DAY 110: REBOOT, May 14, 2010

7am

INTRO

Hi.

All I could think for weeks and weeks is that I want to do this perfectly. I’m grieving over all the experiences I’ve had in the last two months or so that I’ll never remember, and never know.

That’s the bitch about being sick; about being an addict,;about being a half willing participant in your own cycles of destruction…you lose time.

But I don’ t want to talk about any of that right now. It’s 7am, and I’m awake…something is obviously wrong.

JULIAN

I had a dream about Julian.

I’ve been grieving for him for a couple of years now; his funeral is what started me going back to therapy for all of my death issues.

I had dated him briefly, but I was lucky to have a warm, jovial, supportive friend in my life.

Last night I dreamt that I was doing more exposure therapy…which is a process of systematically torturing facing your fears, so that the experience becomes less and less intense as you get used to it.

So, as part of this dream exposure therapy, I was reliving the funeral…except this time there was a color theme. Everyone was in black, white and red, and the dresses were something off of project runway…talk about a gay funeral.

Anyway, then I was on the computer googling pictures of his funeral, and pictures of his corpse in his casket. I used to have to do stuff like that in therapy. I’d look at pages and pages of caskets, and then pages and pages of open caskets….godamn “google images.”

And all and all I was doing fine. I’ve been through all this before, I’ve seen his funeral, I’ve googled pages about caskets, and looked at images….

The scary part, the part that made me wake up panting was what happened next in my dream.

I dreamt that I found a picture of Julian in his casket, and next to it was a nother picture of him sitting up in his casket, smiling and alive.

Apparently, in the dream reality, he had gone to a casket store and posed in a casket, like  aa joke, months earlier.

And he was wearing the exact same funeral outfit.

I started hyperventilating…I started panicking, I couldn’t walk. The entire second half of my dream was going hoarse, calling for Hubby, and trying to drag myself downstairs and get some attention.

I was falling apart, I was sobbing, I couldn’t make very much noise….you know those dreams, where you scream and nothing comes out? Horrible.

And that’s it. I woke up moaning in pain, and I am trying to go back to sleep.

REBOOT

This morning is supposed to be the first day back at the gym….well, if I go it’ll be the first day. Otherwise it will be about the 17th day that was SUPPOSED to be the first day that never launched. I’ve been having a lot of those lately.

Yesterday at a running workout, with Mr. Trainer, I was so slow, so pathetic….so pregnant looking…going around the track, plodding, heavy, my stomach looking pregnant, bouncing…as I came around a lap I said, “I’m finally pathetic and pissed enough, I’m going to the gym in the morning.”

I meant it.

Then.

I hope I can mean it when I wake up. I think I do.

But in either case, I do need more sleep right now.

Back to bed. Night.

WELL…WHAT WAS I EXPECTING?

312p

Well, I made my list, had my plans, and was ready to work out…but I had a thought…

What am I going to do with the leftover sugar and fat I have in my fridge? I’m going to have to throw all of that away!

What a waste! Let’s just make today about finishing it off! 4 Hotdogs, 2 bowls of white rice, and 5 bowls of sugared cereal and a bowl of oatmeal with powdered sugar on top (Hubby forgot to lock up the powdered sugar), it’s now 3pm, and I’m stuffed…

Out of the things on my list, I will try to do laundry (hate it more than anything), and get my eyebrows done. Everything else can just wait, I suppose…I DO know that I will do more writing today, and that’s important.

I mean, I am coming out of a whole bunch of self hating, self destructive, overpoweringly strong beliefs and negativity….I can’t just “decide” to put it behind me….it IS me.

Maybe just the fact that I’m writing instead of going to the store for MORE sugar is a small victory I can look at and not feel completely hopeless about…more to come.

END OF DAY

1130p

There is still so much to write about.

I was reading some of my past blogs, and so much has happened.

• I quit the spa working for Mr. Opportunity.
• My birthday party turned out good/awful…LOTS more details about THAT to come.
• I never did jumpstart my working out again…still haven’t…

Just stuff. Stuff and stuff and more stuff.

But for now it’s good. I’m expressing myself again. And the more I can get my feelings OUT,  the less food I have to eat to keep them IN.

I went to a Padres Game tonight with Hubby. It was fun. Sorta. An awful lot of straight people were there….yelling, drinking…girls dressed all slutty and stupid…..like some kind of social experiment…..sporting events are always freaky to me….

But anyway, I will write more tomorrow.

Mwah.

Jayson.

 

 

DAY 88: …Better than a procrastination.

1250p

I’m feeling very overwhelmed right now.

There are a few issues that I just need to write about to get them out of my head.

First of all, I have a crapload of backlogged blogs to write, and I am committed to doing them, because this is a very useful tool for me.

So this blog today won’t see the light of day until I catch up the others because I want to keep things chronological. Of course, the old blogs will go faster because there wasn’t a lot to them besides overeating.

I wrote this on Friday, April 23rd, and I’m still working on blogs from the 60′s.

Tonight will be the third night that I will take my bipolar drug…I’ll be writing about that whole experience from a couple of days ago, when I get to it. It’ll make sense to you, because it’ll be chronological.

In any case, I feel crazy, and scared, and most of all I hope it helps.

I’m going to make two lists, for brevity.

GOOD THINGS:

1. Training for Triathalon: Been to 2 group tri workouts so far, I’m a good swimmer, and I just got an on sale wetsuit today! Thanks Mr. Trainer!
2. I have  a huge birthday party tomorrow for my 32nd birthday! Around 18 people are coming! I feel like it’s a good assessment of how loving I’ve been that I have all of those people wanting to come celebrate with me!
3. I feel healthy…I have done all myw orkouts this week, I’m missing one cardio thing, but tomorrow morning will kick my ass!
4. My new friend is coming down for the weekend! I’m thrilled! I think the world of this new friend!
5. My food is more normal…I’m a little over 2000 calories, and not quite as strict as before, pre-fog…but it’s better than 2 gallons of ice cream a day!
6. Max is bouncing around…he’s doing SO well on his joint meds and aspirin! I burst into tears yesterday when he suddenly sprinted down the hall! He’s 18 years old, and hasn’t sprinted in a couple of years! His eyes are brighter, and that means he’s not in the same amount of pain anymore!
7. Hubby is coming to accept his Asperger’s Syndrome, and I’m looking at my entire marriage in a different way! He loves me, but is unable to do some of the things that I would like….it’s not that he’s an asshole!
8. My 2 year marriage anniversary is on Monday! The day after my birthday! Woo hoo! A little freaked out that I don’t have a gift or plan for him yet…but I still have a little bit of time to work it out. The traditional gift for 2 years is cotton…so I’m thinking about really nice towels, or new bed sheets or something!
9. Oh yeah! And most of all, I’m making MONEY this month! That ad is kicking ass, I have a new picture, people are calling, and I’m BUSY! Woo hoo! I feel SO grown up and filled with a bunch of hope because I foresee a future where I’m valued, good at my job, and successful!

ANXIETY CAUSING THINGS:

1. Hubby has Aspergers…that’s hard to deal with, and more difficult to accept. But I do know that he’s higher functioning that most…we’ll see where this journey takes us.
2. Cleaning the House for the Birthday party and for my friends visit this weekend! There’s too much to do! Where’s my cleaning crew to help me?
3. I had a suicidial friend call me today because he lost his job and his house in one day: Both he and his roommate are moving in on Monday. It’s going to be VERY crowded, and probably a little stressful. And like I told him, “You better not commit suicide…I’m in enough therapy as it is!
4. I feel crazy, ashamed and embarrased that I have to take drugs to treat my bipolar disorder. I’m not used to it, and last night my brain was still racing…I wonder about what positive effects it could have. I apparently won’t feel the effects for a couple of weeks…I’m building up to a full dose. Good? Bad? I can’t decide….but I guess it’s good that it’s being addressed now. I don’t want to lose everything…but still…I’m not in complete acceptance about it yet!
5. Max will die sooner than later. I still have to figure out how I’m going to deal with his body, and get that paid for ahead of time. As long as we’re at it, I’m also not looking forward to continuing my exposure therapy and going to the casket store downtown…but I know that I have to if I want a quality life!
6. Taxes/Money. Will I have enough? Will I succeed? Will I get my dream of a little shop with 3-4 rooms and a solid team?
7. Mr. Opportunity is PISSING me off at the spa! I will probably write about that on the blogs before todays, but as of right now it’s still true.
8. My 2 year marriage anniversary is on Monday! God I’m screwed if I don’t figure out my action plan!
9. And most of all, there’s going to be a shitload of manual labor on Monday/Tuesday and possibly Thursday for the guys moving in. Oh boy…they better help me with my laundry or something. AndI’m thinking about making therapy mandatory for the suicidal one…I want to help, not enable.

Okay, I guess enough of it is out. I gotta blast music and get to work now. “A start” is better than a procrastination. Mwah!

J.

DAY 78: The Fog, Part 11

Weigh in day:

Gained 7 pounds, 1% fat and 1 inch in the waist:

239lbs, 29.9 fat, 44.5 waist

2 massage clients today

Doctor Appointment: He referred me to a psychiatrist.

he says these ups and downs and the huge weight loss and gains can be helped with anti depressants.

I dont’ want to be a weirdo….=(

DAY 77: The Fog, Part 10

Worked at the spa

Binged

Day 76: The Fog, Part 9

Had sex

Did a massage

Binged

DAY 75: The Fog, Part 8

Woke at noon, not in bed until 4am this morning.

Dropped Billy Off at school

Sugar hangover headache, major

2p, haven’t eaten yet…not hungry, feel all out of sorts

Expectation on looks: Meeting new friends, networking, fitting into those pants, working out..

I’m getting ugly again.

Is this a lost week? I Know Monday is going to be a weight gain.

Want to do it all perfectly (Life)

Blogs are piling up like mad. There’s no way I can catch up.

Haircut got  retrimmed. Wasn’t quite right.

Great networking at Supercuts though. Stylists need the work.

Client at 530

Top of the Park at 7…maybe.

Ended up going, met a fantastic new client with local contacts. =)

DAY 74: The Fog, Part 7

Haircut

Photoshoot for new ad

It went great. Photographer said I was super professional, fun, easy to work with, a consumate professional, and a whiz with makeup! He’s never had any other guy do a full face, and not as well or as fast as I did. For an old theatre “has been”  like me, I felt really validated. =)

Home Depot argument: Hubby says that if I don’t remember, it’s the same as not listening. Felt really hurt.

Bad conflict resolutions. We need help.

Wanted Hubby to validate me when I recounted the photo shoot experience. He sucks ass

I’m a mess anyway, hung out with Billy instead.

Met possible new friends.

Bought vegetables…and a Gallon of ice cream, again…

I’ve been going through 1-2 gallons a day lately.

DAY 73: The Fog, Part 6

Woke at 11a

Client massage

Did the Guys, Games and Grub Event…moderately successful.

But I can’t fit into my nice khakis anymore…wore gym shorts.

Looked like a whore.

Took leftover pizzas to give to the homeless guys by my office.

They weren’t there. I ate all of it.

Scared to go home, can’t talk through conflicts with Hubby.

Bed at 3a

DAY 72: The Fog, Part 5

 

day a waste, I suppose…can’t remember

had sex

woo

DAY 71: The Fog, Part 4

Weigh In Day

No picture. Didn’t feel like it.

Gained 4 pounds.

Gained .009% fat.

Lost .5″ in the waist?

Free License to eat whatever I want.

I’m gone.

DAY 70: The Fog, Part 3

Dim Sum for breakfast. Binged.

Saw Legally Blonde the Musical-good.

Buffet for Lunch. Binged.

Massage client

Easter Sunday.

Binged.

DAY 69: The Fog, Part 2

Good client this morning

Did a Heavy Workout

15 min. of Incline Cardio

Spent time being silly with friends.

DAY 68: The Fog, Part 1

Hung over.

The worst gas.

Long shower.

Chair massage now.

My boss at the spa has disappointed me with his lack of ethics.

Tues., April 20, 1130pm

Okay.

Here I am.

I wrote.

I had a slump.

3 weeks, no exercise, gained back 19 pounds or so…the logs kept piling up, finally it overwhelmed me.

I want to do everything perfectly. I don’t even know what day this is.

Today I went to work out and felt great.

Today the chemicals in my head flipped and allowed me to come back.

I have so much to write about. Not sure what form it’s going to take the second time around, but we’ll just call it my “Blue Period,” like I’m an artist or something.

More later.

Mwah.

Jayson.

DAY 67: Where have I been…?

(Written 4.9.10, about 4.1.10)

I woke up and figured out my calories for today.

Because of my nighttime noshing last night, and combining that with the sushi I had, I ate about 2700 calories yesterday!

That means that for the rest of the week, I need to do 1307 for the next 4 days to even the week out.

Why did I do this? Why do I eat at night?

I see a negative pattern re-emerging…

IF I had gone to bed, I wouldn’t have overeaten. I personally think it’s the white rice.

White rice is a starch, like corn or potatoes, and it spikes my blood sugar and gives me cravings…

I hope I don’t have to give up Sushi, but if it messes me up every single time…

Anyway, I’m learning how to do a Salt Scrub today, at the spa.

This was one of the reasons I took this job, for the mentorship, and for the training. =)

And this morning, I did my finances…I paid ALL my bills, and for dinner last night (that felt good), and I STILL have some money left over! Yea!!

A couple of days ago, I also paid for my groceries….I like feeling competent. =)

So, the salt treatment training was fun. I got to work with a former classmate of mine, who remembered lots about me!

I apologized immediately when she informed me she had been in school with me. She just laughed.

She then recounted, to the horror of the rest of the staff, how she remembers me making an instructor cry…

Is it MY fault if the instructor was incompetent? Honestly!

Anyway, I had one of the strangest and embarrassing things happen today:

• I got a call from a new client who saw my ad, and wanted a massage.
• He talked about his neck bothering him, and he told me the specific landmarks C4-C6.
• I explained about neuromuscular therapy, and how the specific work can help him.
• He came in.
• I handed him a clipboard to fill out some basic information, and he says he’s cancelling.
• He practically ran out of the office…he said it was too clinical for him, and not what he was expecting.
• This all happened right in front of Jim.
• I never felt so stupid…or confused!
• Jim says it’s obvious he wanted sex…
• But I’m totally confused, because our phone conversation was SO legit!

Well, as Jim says, “That’s what we sometimes get for working with the public. You never know who’s going to walk through that door.”

I know I didn’t do anything wrong…so why do I still feel so dirty?

After that I had some energy to burn, so I hit the gym.

I had just eaten a veggie max sandwich from Subway…I was on my way home from the Salt training, when the client called, and I was hungry, but hadn’t packed any food.

So, I grabbed food from Subway on my way to the office.

And it turns out, Subway fueled my workout pretty darn well. I didn’t run out of energy at all!

It was a really good, glowin’ 42 minutes.

Today was my “Light day,” and I kept up a really good pace!

When I got home, I took the puppies for a walk, and rested.

And then I drove down to see my good friend “Candy Cane” and his roommate “

I always have great conversations with Candy Cane. I love that guy. I also borrowed some more movies, because he has the world’s biggest DVD collection.

When I got home there was a note upset about the dogs barking…hmm…I’ll have to figure that out.

Anyway, like I said about night time eating…it calls to me, and tonight was no different.

I ate an entire box of Corn Flakes….eww…

Well who wants to blog about bingeing? I thought I’d avoid blogging until the next day, but here it is 8 days later, and I’m just now writing the blogs for the last 9 days.

This is the first blog I’m working on to catch up…what happened? Was it the sushi? The subway? Where have I been for over  a week?

Oh boy.

Anyway, I had a chair massage gig “tomorrow morning”, and I’ll go write about how that went now.Didn’t blog. Avoid responsibility until tomorrow.

Oh, and if I remember correctly, Hubby was in a good mood today, and money was okay. And I remember being excited about the Guys, Games and Grub event coming up next Wednesday.

Night.

J.

DAY 66: That’s why men sleep with secretaries.

835p

I woke up rather late today: 11a. It was nice to get 9 ½ hours sleep.

I think I really needed it, and I wanted to make sure I was stacking the cards correctly for my Heavy Workout this morning.

So what should I talk about first? The workout or the guy I flirted with?

So the workout was really good. It was only 42 minutes.

I went through the mat work 2 times, instead of 3, so I’d have some energy left…and I kept all the same reps…that’s just body weight stuff.

When I got over to the squats, I did 12 reps of 90 lb. squats like normal, and then remembered this is my heavy day….

I wasn’t sure how much I could squat, but I know the rule is to go really heavy.

So I doubled it. =)

OMG. I died….I could barely hold it, but I did it! That was fun!

When I got to the deadlifts I normally do 50, 60 and then 70 lbs.

This time I started with 70, then did 80, and then I said “Oh to hell with it, let’s push.”

And I did 100!

50 lb. dumbbells in each hand! I could barely hold them!

6 reps later, I was Toast!

But that’s how it’s supposed to be. =)

I felt like a champion! I had overcome! I was God!

Well, a hot, sweaty and very sore God…

Now onto the guy.

He’s adorable, slender, has the face of an angel, and is very nice.

Oh, and he has a Spanish accent…that’s always sexy.

I met him last week when he was doing these torturous, fast, mini crunches for an entire 5 minutes!

I complimented him, he complimented me…we complimented each other….

His name, for purposes of this blog, shall be “Loverboy.”

Hey, we all have our fantasies. =)

The thing that I liked about him, besides his physique and accent, was that when I said “Your ab work is insane, “ I meant it as a compliment.

But he thought maybe I was criticizing him, and said, “Am I doing it wrong? Are you sure? Oh, okay…”

Do you see? He saw me as someone who knew more than him, and he said he looked up to in a way….he was blown away by my mat work. =)

He doesn’t see me as the fat guy….he sees me in a new way…that’s VERY attractive.

He views me as I am now, he doesn’t see my baggage, he sees my accomplishments right in front of him, and takes it at face value. =)

That’s why men sleep with secretaries.

At home a man may be seen as the slouch who never lives up to his wife’s expectations…but at work he’s the powerful, successful man who is a winner, as viewed through the secretaries eyes…it’s all ego.

Men just follow the most flattering reflection…

Oh, and Loverboy wears Aeropostale (the gayest brand in the world, especially the way he was wearing it…), so I know he’s a very gay cutie patootie!

After the gym, I stopped by the grocery store and got some protein. I’m tired of beans.

I picked up Salmon, egg whites, cottage cheese and some strawberries…yummy!

Then I went home, played online for a little bit and took my dogs for a walk. =)

Then it was errand time….I copied my office keys, picked up a paycheck, then came home and cleaned the house.

And when I showered, I took Max with me. I now have a very clean doggie running around. =)

I just got back from going out with some new friends to get Sushi, and I’m about to look up the calories….it’s going to go over my daily allotment a bit….so I’ll be minusing that out from the rest of the week.

And have I mentioned yet that I was horny all day?

I’m like a bus stop…even though you just saw the bus leave, another one arrives right behind it. My libido has just been nonstop!

I’m glad…I guess….and I know it will eventually fade, as everything must…so, enjoy it now I say.

Why couldn’t I have had more of this health when I was in my 20’s?

Well…I suppose I gave up healthy feelings for chocolate….not a HORRIBLE trade I suppose…at least I got SOMETHING out of my bargain with the devil.

Nice day, nice night.

But I can’t wait for next Wednesday!

That’s the event at “The Center” for my business!

Night for now. =)

Mwah!
Jayson!

PS. Max has been acting so much more energetic since I started him on the aspirin.

I heard a podcast all about how stoic dogs are, and the way you assess pain is by the things they used to do that they don’t do anymore…I feel bad now.

I didn’t know what a simple fix it was to help him to be more active again…I just thought “Oh, he’s getting old, that’s normal.”

But pain isn’t normal…and I’m human…for 3 bucks, I can go to the store and get rid of a lot of his pain!

Well, I’m doing something about it NOW, and it’s really making a difference. 

So if you have a dog who is “just old” and doesn’t move as much anymore, try some children’s aspirin based on the dog’s weight, and you may be surprised what your dog WASN’T telling you about their pain. =(

DAY 65: …apparently, I turn myself on now.

937p

Okay, let’s chat.

It was a slow/busy day.

I made a lot of phone calls, got a lot of little things done, and up until 730p, I would have said it was all about clerical stuff and organization…not a lot of manual labor.

But I had a new client call last minute (from my ad!), and I raced to the office to do a massage. (Yea! Money!)

So, here I am again, typing in the office, late at night…

So here’s what I remember about my day:

I took my babies to get their nails done at Petsmart…it was so cute.

I think I’ve written that it’s the best money spent for under $20, to watch the groomers try to clip Leo’s nails!

He squirms and claws, and twists, and shakes….I almost wet myself watching it again! I’d feel guilty if I wasn’t laughing so hard!

But Max, surprisingly, was an absolute Angel! He’s part Chow and doesn’t like stuff in his face or his feet touched….but this woman had the knack!

There he was, unrestrained, spinning buffer in his face, getting all his nails done…he was SO calm!

I think that maybe that by constantly picking him up and holding him, he’s just gotten used to being handled like that…and he’s learned to  practically fall asleep when I pick him up now.

Awww….big fluffy face!

I’ll bring a camera next time! (If he lives long enough for a next time…)

Money stuff: I have money! But it takes almost a week for it to actually come through! Oy vey. And here it is, practically the start of the month, and I have a bunch of money tied up in red tape.

I hate banks.

Anyway, I socialized online today some more. That was fun.

After I gave myself that talking to last week, I’ve begun to use computer time appropriately. I’m not up at all hours of the night anymore. Now it’s just a nice thing here and there.

It’s just so easy to live vicariously…I used to do that with “The Sims” as well…

And I DID plan to clean! I was going to do it this morning, but I’m REALLY sore from yesterday…all those squats I did? My legs are killing me!

So, I put off cleaning for tonight…

That’s also why I put off jogging…I just can’t imagine running THROUGH this pain…but unfortunately, I know that I CAN run through the pain, and not only that…it actually HELPS.

But I mean, come on now…ouch!

And that brings me to cheese. Last week when I went to the Food Bank, they gave me a huge block of government cheese. And it’s been sitting in the fridge, looking kinda gross ever since.

But being the compulsive food addict I am, I whipped it out today, threw it over some rice, and went to town.

Eeeewwwww……..

Not only did I feel awful (and get lots of gas), but I used up ALL of my calories for the rest of the day….in one bowl! (70 cal/oz!)

That’s the thing about eating shit: You can have about a quarter as much quantity as the healthy stuff, for the exact same calories.

It’s like: Would you like 5 salads today with all sorts of veggie, tofu, seasoning goodness? Or would you like this 4 ounces of Oreos, or whatever…?

So now, here I am in the office, I just did manual labor, and I’m very hungry.

Well, at least I have a plan. I talked to my Food Issues Friend, and I committed that IF I really thought I needed it, I would have an orange when I got home after jogging.

I think I’m going to take myself up on my offer. =)

(Of course, the calories come out of tomorrow…I’m still responsible)

And the massage went well right now too.

He’s an out-of-towner…but he’s back almost every month.

(Also, Dreads, let’s talk shop about this one…I think I handled a potential situation really well.)

So, as I said above…it’s jogging time.

Of course, it’s the last thing I want to do, but I have no one to blame except for myself that it’s late at night, and I still haven’t exercised. Right?

Besides, once I get out there, the jogging is really easy now. But it’s still important to do it.

I think that because I’m feeling so good, I want to slack off, but then I remember…I don’t just want to feel good…I want to hit the NEXT level!

And can I have a few graphic paragraphs, please? My body is starting to feel really sexy. I mean, solidly!

My new workout has these side plank dips for the transverse abdominals, and my love handles are tightening up….I can FEEL the flat hardness of my core just under my skin….it’s like, wow!

And here’s the graphic part, skip to the next paragraph if you’re uncomfortable with adult material. Okay here goes: Now I’m serious, I’m going to be graphic, so skip ahead right now, this is your last chance! Don’t say you weren’t warned, but feeling my core tighten and clench and sweat and be strong is becoming the thing that most revs my motor during all of my sexual experiences. Yes, you heard right…apparently, I turn myself on now. Running a hand in amazement over my abs, and feeling all the power I have to thrust my hips, and everything else…it’s quite something, and I’ve never experienced this before…I feel….alive! Dirty! Sexual! Raw power kind of thing….you know, like I imagine macho straight guys feel all the time.  Frankly, it’s empowering. =)

Okay, so it wasn’t that bad, but I really wanted to express my feelings….it’s a little embarrassing for me, but it is such an unexpected part of this journey!

And it had to do with my body, my progress, how I see myself, my relationships…everything…so I felt justified “going there.”

Okay… I’m starving here.

Time to go jog and eat my orange.

Night!

Mwah,

Jayson!

DAY 64: …for the record, Bob & Jillian are gay.

1122a

It’s MONDAY!

Time for my “weigh in!”

Here are the results for the end of my 9th Week:

 

WEIGHT: 227.8 lbs. (-11lbs, -37 Total)

WAIST: 44″ (-1″, -7″ Total)

FAT %:  28.7% (-1.6%, -4.4% Total)

My new daily Calorie Goal is 1589. =)

It’s DOABLE, but I’ll have to be VERY conscientious!

Yea!

Now, the 11 pounds isn’t quite as impressive as it seems.

If you’ll recall, I GAINED 6 pounds last week because of my crazy “giving up on myself” crap, and the week before I was sick and didn’t gain OR lose anything!

Whenever you go from eating crap to eating well, you get rid of a lot of excess waste products, inflammation and water weight.

That’s why the first week of this entire adventure I lost 12 pounds.

My body has just readjusted back into the flow of things. I’ll be impressed with myself if I can score a big number THIS week! =)

It’s time for me to eat breakfast, and then after waiting for 90 minutes I’ll hit the gym. Remember? This is  my new experiment.

Jillian Michaels says “Fuel up before your workouts”, and Bill Phillips says “Work out on an empty stomach to burn fat.”

And so on my heavy workout days I was fueling up, and on my light workout days I was leaving my stomach empty.

But then last week I had that sluggish, awful morning at the gym….and my stomach was empty.

So, now I’m going to try fueling up before both of those different workouts, and see if it will keep my focused, with enough power and energy to do them well. =)

This morning at the gym I’m going to move on to the next workout that my trainer has for me…I could do another week of workout number 2…but I want to feel something new and different, or at least more challenging! =)

I’ve discovered the joy of feeling like a burning GOD when I push myself to the next level!

Wish me luck!

908p

Evening Ya’ll!

I’m all done with my massage client. This is the guy that I got locked out of the office with last week. =( He came back! Woo hoo!

I gave him a buttload of money off for the inconvenience. And that’s what he gave me…hmm….ever hear of a tip, Mister?

Whatev.

The gym was a BITCH today. OMG.

It was a new workout, and out of the 30 something sets of exercises, I finished, like, 24 of them or something…

It was 63 minutes in, and I was like, “Okay, I’m stopping.”

I’ve heard about the dangers of working out for more than an hour…I probably just gave myself a “Get out of jail free card”, but I saw no point in torturing myself with bad form.

The workout was VERY challenging.

It started with a shorter, faster floormat set. All of those dumbbell plank rows are gone…whew!

That was actually awesome! The whole floorset was GREAT!

And my muscles were generally strong enough that even the new HARD moves were doable on the FIRST try!

But this workout has more serious squats, and heavy weights on the machines.

I found myself WINDED from all these new weighted exercises by the time I’m 3/4 through my entire workout.

Hmm…I wonder if it’s time for supplements or something….or sipping caffeine throughout or something.

Once upon a time I was on this “NoExplode” stuff, and it kept me really focused and feeling no pain.

But it also deleted my libido.

Or maybe it didn’t. I’m not sure.

I just went through that whole “deleted libido” thing over the last 3 weeks, but now that problem has bit the dust…and I wasn’t using ANY supplements this time.

Hmm….maybe it’s just an “exercise adjustment period.”

In anycase…I look forward to mastering this new workout. Although I do think one of the moves is just too damn hard.

Bar at waist level, pullups with front and reversed grips, 12 reps, 2 sets each.

Ouch.

And it’s with legs straight, toes facing the sky….I’m allowed to use one bent leg if I need to, but even at that I can’t even DO the exercise….depressing.

What else happened today?

Not a whole hell of a lot.

I didn’t get to the house cleaning…I’m sure Hubby loves that…but I did take the dogs for a walk!

I’ve also started Max on children’s aspirin….I’m trying to figure out how to get him to eat grape flavored liquid.

Hmm….

After the workout I just couldn’t move. It was like I was TOTALLY wiped. Ya know?

Just sitting on the couch felt like an overwhelming burden…I was almost too tired to breathe!

I wonder how I’ll feel tomorrow?

But I watched just about the best episode of “Biggest Loser” ever! Have you seen it this week?

The contestants got to go home for a week, and they rode a marathon length workout on a stationary bike against one another….

That show always does such a good job capturing the real human emotion, and the DOUBT that these people transform into Confidence…that’s MY journey too. =)

Oh, and for the record, Bob & Jillian are gay.

As in” homosexual”, not as an insult.

(Quite the compliment, actually, if I do say so myself.)

Okay…anything else to report? I swore there was more…

Oh! Ricky Martin came out today! About damn time!

I’m very proud of him. =)

He’s from a culture that REALLY gives him crap about that stuff. You go boy. =)

Of course, it’s been an open secret for years….when I used to be on tour as a dancer, we were following his tour for a while.

We would get into towns he’d just played, and often stayed at the same hotels…all the desk staff were always abuzz about his GORGEOUS male companion, who never left his side….

So, now that I’m sitting in a dark office, tired, very hungry (eaten 1000 of my 1500 calories so far…and many  hours ago) and massaged out, what am I going to do?

I’m going to go for a jog of course! Half hour in Balboa Park!

If you read this in the next 2 minutes, and you’re in San Diego, come join me. =P

This should be a good week, and like I said, I’m motivated to put up a solid, REAL number this week!

I’m shooting for 5-7 pounds!

Night for now!

Jayson!

PS. I finished writing this at 922p, but it won’t get posted until much later because I want to add the pictures from my weigh in…

PPS. Oh, I guess that means that no one is going to come jog with me….hehehhe…

PPPS. Well, seriously, if you’re in SD, I love jogging with people! So, please, lemme know if you’re interested!

DAY 63: …strange little freak of nature!

1046p

I’m tired (what else is new).

I want to make this the shortest blog in the history of blogdom.

It probably won’t happen, but I’ll try.

When I woke up this morning my body felt pretty darn good. My sides keep getting tighter.

I had a lot of massage work this weekend, so I missed one of my cardios…I just didn’t have the energy to bounce around an additional 30 minutes. Let’s hope all my massage labor counts.

My “weigh in” is in the morning…and I’m sitting here wanting to binge.

That’s what happens when I eat a small bite of  a movie theatre pretzel…

We saw “How To Train Your Dragon,” and it was really funny, entertaining, and satisfying. =) I highly recommend it!

Dreamworks usually sucks (Madagascrap)….Universal is in the middle (Horton Hears a Who), and Pixar is on top. (Up) =)

Anyway, I went to the spa, did my first client…and it went very well. Lovely lady, very receptive.

I came home, watched some TV, had some lunch, and then went back for my last client.

This guy was only a 25 minute massage to fix his lower back…poor guy.

But a strange thing happened. I absolutely hated him! He was crass, vulgar, unappreciative, unreceptive…I don’t know….something was just “off.”

In talking about his health challenges, he cussed a lot, blamed a lot of other people for his conditions, and angrily described a particular experience where he was disoriented and “fumbling to pull my dick out to piss.”

I’ve all ready talked too much about this client, but his negative energy kind of threw me off my game.

It’s VERY rare that I react like this to someone.

I think that he just reminded me of the “in your face”, direct, rude, crass bully that I have been in the past.

Sigh…

Anyway, I got home, and Hubby and I had a very serious talk. This is too personal to share in a blog, so I will just be sharing the gist of what happened:

There is a mutual friend of ours who became very destructive to our relationship.

• He was henceforth banished, but it’s bothered Hubby ever since.
• Hubby misses this friend, and yet agrees that he’s destructive.
• And today, after resigning myself to letting go of that which I can’t control, I have decided to not stand in the way of these two being friends any longer.

It turns my stomach to make this decision, but frankly, it turns my stomach even more to hang onto the paranoia, fear, insecurity, and stress which accompany trying to treat a grown man, whom I love and trust, like a 2^nd grader.

So…enough said about that matter; it is a major turning point for me, and I do believe that it’s the best decision…because it ultimately aligns me with the universal principles of life (that we know of.)

I may have to talk more about this later, but if I do so it will be in a password protected blog to protect you from the new and fascinating curse words I would use.

What else happened today?

Oh…the last thing of note: Hubby and I took the dogs to Fiesta Island!

I was so sad about missing it yesterday, he wanted me to go with him this time!

And it was even MORE beautiful than I remember!

The fields of flowers are in full bloom, the sunset is divine, and Leonardo goes ABSOLUTELY INSANE running in and out of the water, sometimes up to his neck, and then rolling in the mud!

Apparently my Terrier (meaning terra, or “Earth Dog” because of his burrowing and digging) is a WATER dog! Go figure…..strange little freak of nature!

Max also did a decent job of keeping up…although it was a REALLY long walk for him.

I ended up carrying him about half the way…I need to get a cart or something….where he can still be low to the ground, and still see everything.

And when I was carrying him, he completely relaxed…no snarls or attitude this time…he appreciated getting off his feet.

I will go get some baby aspirin tomorrow…that will make him a little more comfortable I should think, and help with the inflammation.

(Did I mention I discovered the dogs like tomatoes today? Add that to Brocoli and Carrots….weird…)

There was a 4 minutes period where I couldn’t find Max…he had fallen behind a thorny bush on a embankment…and was sitting very still, scared to move. The thorns were sticking him, and he wasn’t strong enough to stand….

Okay, that ripped my heart out, and I was guilt ridden…but otherwise, it was a wonderful trip!

Max would wade out into the water up to his elbows trying to chase after Leo, who was doggie paddling all around the ocean like a retarded fish….crazy puppies! I love my babies…

I was dressed in my beautiful new (old, but they fit again) plaid shorts, a size large shirt, and with lungs healthy enough to chase after Leo!

I held a leash in one hand, held hands with my Hubby with my other hand, kissed him in the middle of a field of flowers (where we shot our engagement photo!), and felt validated in my relationship….surrounded by our furry children…sighh…

That’s enough for now. You get the gist. Good day, good love, good personal growth and one weird client.

Eh. It could be worse.

Mwah!

Jayson!

DAY 62: …and I’m squirting blood everywhere…

It’s Saturday, and I woke up at 745a. That’s just criminal….

And I woke up with Hubby jumping up and down on me….joking with me….tickling me….wanting sex, sex, sex.

No, no, no.

I’m very tired…I haven’t been sleeping enough. Sorry Hubby.

After being locked out of my office last night, I have to have Hubby drop me off so I can pick up all my stuff, get the keys to my car, and load it up with everything I need for the special event this morning!

I’m going to go to some gay Flag Football League games! Isn’t that cool?

I hope it pays off.

Well, we all hopped in Hubby’s car, with the dogs in tow, and everything went according to plan.

Jim was very forgiving…he’s locked himself out before, too.

I got to the event, employed some good Samaritans to help me with my stuff, and set up my tent!

My tent goes up and down SO easily…it’s kind of a miracle of modern engineering to me.

Anyway, it was HOT, and I think I need some sunblock next time…even under the tent, you still feel burned somehow. Hmm..

And although I was turning a whole bunch the heads of a whole bunch of sweaty, scar ridden, cute, football playing athletes…everyone was being “massage shy”…

I only did a couple people…maybe this wasn’t a good idea?

UNTIL I realized that I got there in the middle of 2 games. Everyone is busy watching the game or playing the game.

When the NEXT team started showing up to warm up for THEIR game, my table got really busy! People like being warmed up by a pro.

But here are some lessons I learned:

• I NEED a sign that says “FREE 5 MINUTE MASSAGES.” A lot of people were scared of being charged.
• I can NOT forget my SIX FOOT BANNER again! I lost out on a LOT of eyes seeing my business logo!
• I need to get there early so that I’m in the MIDDLE of all the action, not at the very end of the row.
• I need to bring a tip jar. Nobody tipped me anything…but I did hand out some cards and get some (generally) good exposure…I think.

Just like with the advertising, I think that these marketing efforts have a very delayed reaction. I may see clients from this event in 2 or 3 months, if I keep it up.

And I was only there about 2 hours…I got a call from a client who wanted a same day appointment (seems to be a universal thing), and I couldn’t take it because I all ready had the event, and then two other sessions lined up.

But I called him back when I thought I was going to be slow, got him to come on down, and left the field earlier than I would have.

I had a really fun time at the game, and even though it was a rough start with a learning curve, I will have to come back on a day when I have time to market. Any block of hours that I have on a Saturday, I think it’s worth it to go.

And I’ll bring Leonardo Vandersnatch!

Only bad thing that really happened is that I got a bloody gash on my chin….I riled up a bull terrier (Spuds McKenzie?), and he gave me an enthusiastic kiss which knocked me on my ass. =)

Next thing I know people are looking in horror and I’m squirting blood everywhere….it was a LOT. But this is a football game; I had a Band-Aid on my chin in 30 seconds flat!

Speaking of dogs, Hubby sent me these AMAZING pictures of him and the dogs at Fiesta Island, frolicking in fields of flowers, running in the ocean, and generally having a beautiful time!

I’m SO jealous! I want to spend time like that….it looks like heaven on Earth…awwww!!! SO CUTE!

Anyway, I got to the office, set up, and had 3 clients back-to-back.

And everything went really well. This must be what it feels like to be in demand, busy, and valued!

I have to respect client confidentiality, but I will just say that I was tipped well, and that there was something genuinely interesting and enjoyable about each of my clients today! I had fun.

Sometimes you don’t click with a client as much, and you just grin and bear it…but today was EASY. =)

And my clients raved about me today! That’s not new…but now they’re coming BACK to see ME, not some spa! It’s MY earnings! =)

I also got 2 more calls while I was in session…yea!

And of the 3 clients I had today, 2 were brand new, and I had 2 of the 3 reschedule.

The client who didn’t reschedule was the MOST enthusiastic about my work, and will make me a part of their travel plans whenever they come to San Diego!

Also, the out-of-towners are referring their local friends to me!

I got home, sore, took a shower, and found a very grumpy Hubby. Eh….

But grumpy isn’t any match against “Red Lobster’s Lobsterfest!’

I’ve been there before on my new food awareness plan, and I came prepared: A scale, a food journal, a pen, and my calorie sheet.

Also, Red Lobster actually lists all of its calories in a little menu on the table! Thanks!

Did you know that one of those biscuits is 150 calories? And that a POUND of snow crab legs is only 120?

I had to go outside and vent to Dreads about Hubby being a temperamental bitch for a moment….but other than that bit of negativity, the rest of the night went well.

We went to a bookstore after dinner, and I found the most amazing book ever.

It’s called, “The Art of Racing In the Rain.” It’s about a dog’s life with a family, and it’s written from the dog’s perspective…

I was sobbing in the first chapter, laughing in the third chapter, and touched by the philosophy in the eighth chapter. This book is amazing…please, go check it out. It’s a bestseller for a reason.

Did I mention that I got checked out on the way back from my vent, at Red Lobster? Yea….go me!

I discovered two more books I really wanted:

• “Thinking in Pictures” by Temple Grandin.
• “My life in France” by Julia Child.

I got home and ordered all three books on Amazon, used, for $24, shipping included. =)

I’m starting to feel good about myself…liked…validated. Being a busy, utilized massage professional feels vastly different from being a gifted by un-validated, ignored, wasted massage professional.

I can’t wait until the Guys, Games and Grub night….that will be the icing on the cake, and another awesome kickstart marketing opportunity!

Before bed, I worked for almost 2 hours updating client records, and to do lists…etc….

It’s now almost 1a, as I finish writing these notes…you know what? I’m going to type up the blog tomorrow…it’s just too damn late. =)

(Note: This blog is being written from notes, at 1030p the next night)

But I’m feeling very good. I’ll soak in an Epsom salt bath sometime tomorrow…I did a lot of labor today and I’m sore.

Tomorrow is just about the spa: I have 1 booked so far, but more could be booked last minute. =)

Night!

Jayson!

DAY 61: I died. Absolutely died.

1045p

It’s been a really, really long day, and I haven’t taken any notes…and if I did take any notes, I couldn’t get to them anyway…

I’ll explain later on.

So I woke up, and I still felt tired.

On one hand, I felt good, but I was just a bit sluggish still…like I was reading a book in a window seat sipping tea…not like I had just woken up energized and ready to take on the day!

And with THAT energy, I went to the gym first thing.

Ehhh…..the gym didn’t go very well.

I worked out for about 45 minutes…and it was a “Light day,” which means I do more reps at lower weights…

But I didn’t have the energy for more reps…I felt so sluggish!

So, I focused instead on just moving from exercise to exercise, as fast as I could…even if I had to do fewer reps and stuff…

It was okay I guess…and I’m glad I went, but wow, I just felt like some couch potato…like I haven’t been working out at all lately!

I guess some days are just what they are I guess.

But on the other hand, maybe Jillian Michaels is right…even on the “light days” I should fuel my body about 90 minutes before my workout.

I’ll try that next time, and see if it makes an energy difference…because even though it’s a “light day” it’s still a LOT of high energy work!

After the gym, I rushed somewhere….where did I go? Oh gosh….it’s been a REALLY long day, please forgive me….

Oh, I remember now! I got my eyebrows done on the way home, because I’m going to be networking tonight. They look good. =)

And then I went to another “Food Issues” meeting at Noon.

It was okay.

I didn’t want to get as upset as I got yesterday, so I brought some coloring books and crayons and just colored in the back of the room for the whole hour….

I was still there, and I heard what everyone said, and I shared what I had to share.

I shared about finding my grit and realizing my potential…and the difference between being “powerless” over certain things, and “helpless.” There’s a huge difference.

But I was still disconnected enough from the meeting that it was bearable.

Half of the reason I colored is because it helped with my resistance to being there, and the other half is probably just my ADHD.

Some people take medication, some people use coloring books…I prefer the coloring books.

Although I’ve never tried medication…hmm…does anyone know if it actually makes life easier? Aren’t there side effects?

After the meeting, I went to the Spa to do a massage.

That was the easy part of the day. =) I’m good at massage, and everything is pretty much set up all ready. The client loved it and tipped me $40!

She kept telling me how “weird” I am….isn’t that funny? I guess I give “weird” massages. But she told the esthetician that I was “phenomenal!”

I guess weird is a good thing.

I made my phone calls, sent my emails, and had a meal.

The calories have worked out just fine for today.

From 5-6p was my cardio time. I was very tired, and I didn’t go to the track workout yesterday….so that means that I need to do an hour today.

And it wasn’t the perfect workout. The first 15 minutes of it were done horizontally, but I figured that it counted still….I worked up a light sweat, just like I do when I jog.

Again, I’m not trying to be gross…but the facts are the facts. And it cheered up Hubby anyway…he’s still a guy, even if he’s sick.

And the last 45 minutes were done with Leonardo as we jogged around the neighborhood. I felt very light on my feet, and the jog was easy…but I didn’t make it the full hour.

Once again, it was like my energy was just draining…like when a car just starts coasting, and there’s no more gas…and you realize…oh crap, I’m gonna be stranded!

So I went home.

I took a quick shower, and then tried to get my second wind, so I could go network at Top of the Park!

The second wind never came, but I went out to network anyway. What an exhausting thought…

But it went well. =)

I was tired, so I took a different approach this time.

Instead of being a social butterfly/busybody who talks to as many people as possible, I just struck up more intimate conversations with people and leaned against rails, stood by the doors, whatever….

Making sure that the back of my shirt (with the bright orange letters spelling out my website) was facing a huge crowd at all times. =)

It was fun.

I handed out some cards, and I actually booked a massage for tomorrow right on the spot. =)

Wee!

I could only stay an hour because I was rushing down to a massage at 830p.

This was the second guy to call from my ad in the GLT! I guess the ad DOES work…but it takes a couple of months for people to call. Isn’t that the weirdest thing ever?

So, I got there, set up my entire office, turned on all the lights, made it all perfect and pretty…and then I went out to help him find exactly what building I was in. It can be confusing at night, if you haven’t been there before.

So, I greeted my client, said, “Come on in, everything is ready for you, and thanks for coming in so late.”

But the office door didn’t re-open.

I had locked myself out.

And I didn’t have the keys.

My entire night just ends right there.

I died.

Absolutely died.

Not much else to say…my client left, and said he’d “call me” to reschedule….oh geezzz……

It’s like God doesn’t want me to have any clients from the GLT, ha!

Everything was in the office…my bag, my car keys, my wallet, the notes that I took for my blog….all the lights were on, music is playing….

Shit.

Thank God I had my phone in my hand, and that it was charged! Besides my clothes, my phone was all I had!

But Hubby didn’t answer his phone…so eventually Dreads came over and got me. Thanks Dreads…I owe ya one. =)

Tomorrow morning is about getting up at 745a, throwing some stuff together, and getting Hubby to drop me off at my office to wait for Jim to open the door….totally humiliating…

Then I’ll throw my table in the car, recharge the electric candles that have been burning all night, apologize like mad to Jim, and get over to the Football event.

Well, I’m going to bed, ya’ll. It’s 11:35p, and I need my beauty sleep.

After a day like today, I NEED some sleep to recover! After all, tomorrow IS another day! (Reference #1)

Jayson.

PS. I ate to within 2 calories of my goal today!

PPS. But I was hungry at Top of the Park….and I had a taquito.

PPPS. Those are just 2 calories, right? If I eat it in only 2 bites?

PPPPS. Eh….no perfection, right? Night.

DAY 60: My cute plaid shorts fit again!

1140a

I woke up 2 hours early…took one look at the alarm clock, and went back to sleep.

A cough came over me last night….uh oh…did I just pick that up from Hubby? He’s still coughing up a storm…I think I’m feeling better overall, but something is still lingerin…

First thing I did this morning was go to the Food Bank. I wanted to see what it was like, and quite frankly, I needed some food.

I went to the church in Old Town, San Diego about 10a. The window for the food bank is 9a-11a, so it was right in the middle.

And nobody was in line?? I thought there was more need in San Diego…

Anyway, the guy who ran it was very nice, asked if I needed groceries, asked how many people were in my household, and handed me a bag of preselected groceries.

It was a very humbling experience, but helpful.

There was whole grain pasta (!), canned tomatoes, cereal, and among other things, a block of cheese.

Government cheese? I thought that was a joke.

Hmm…guess not.

So, I’m in a great mood. I came home, and had a “fried chicken bowl” for breakfast! Let’s just say that it was a choice.

A very good tasting choice.

And I enjoyed the choice, a lot…but I don’t have a lot of calories left to play with today because of it.

Fried chicken is 73 calories/ounce!

My body REALLY wants to go to the gym and lift weights again…I’m still on a high from my workout yesterday. But I need to save up most of my calories and my energy for tonight’s track workout. Today is just a cardio day.

Regarding these “Triathlon Training” night…I don’t quite get it.

I show up to swim or run, and I can’t do the drills they’re doing, because I’m not in shape enough, and I haven’t trained enough.

But I can’t do the drills to train to get better because I’m not in shape enough…it’s kind of like “You need a job, to GET a job.” Very frustrating.

I guess the only people who do Triathlons are the people who can all ready do them.

Eh, I’m probably being pessimistic, but it’s not a good feeling to continually realize what a low level I am compared to everyone else…

Frankly, it’s pissing me off. =(

On the other hand, I’m feeling REALLY tight and even “skinny” once in a while!

My workouts are really tightening up my abs and my chest, and my body is changing!

Just 15-20 more pounds, and I’ll actually be able to see my muscles that are hiding under this layer of fat!

How quickly the world changes when I put in the work. =)

I’m going to a “Food Issues Meeting” at Noon…sigh…I really don’t want to go. I’m sure that I’ll be writing about that later!

4p

I’m back from my meeting, and I wrote a “Food Issues Meeting Vent,” that I posted all ready.

If you’re a regular reader, and you want the password to that posting, email me at jaysonleem@hotmail.com.

But I warn you, it’s pretty vicious…I was NOT on my best behavior when I wrote it…and I cussed a lot.

I make a LOT of good points, but it’s mainly just group dynamics/politics and philosophical arguments…

MOVING ON

120a (Next morning)

So after the meeting, I came home, and vented to Hubby. He had come home early from work and was sitting in bed blowing his nose and looking miserable…

I know that wasn’t the perfect time to vent, but I was like, “Hubby, sorry you’re sick, now as long as you’re sitting there, listen to what just happened!”

hehehe

Hubby was very nice to listen.

Afterwards, I talked over all the issues I had with my Food Issue Friend, and he helped me to feel a “little” better. Not much, but a little.

But here’s another topic I want to discuss.

I think that I’m using the internet to validate myself, and it’s starting to affect my life.

I’m stay up until 1a-3a, because I get caught up in these fun chats with people.

And while there’s nothing wrong with that per se…it’s preventing me from having a good nights’ sleep for several days now!

I think that my newfound ego and confidence is having a field day, but I need to recognize that computer relationships can’t take such dominance, or keep me up so late that I neglect my REAL life!

So, I hate to bring it up, and I hate to confront it….because I like the praise and attention I get online…but I recognize that it’s been a bit overboard.

And between Chatting and Zuma, I can tack on 4 more hours to my night, when I’m supposed to be sleeping! Just ridiculous…

Changing subjects:

My cute plaid shorts fit again!

I don’t have to wear the same old Adidas gym shorts anymore!

Or my sweatpants!

Or my sweat shorts!

Or anything else with an elastic band around the waist!

I can fit into regular size 38 waist shorts! And they’re adorable!

Fat People: You know what I’m talking about, right? The same 2 shorts or shirts that are worn EVERY DAY for MONTHS because that’s all we fit into?….yeah….I know.

Oh, and I also had sex with Hubby today! I felt so empowered and sexy!

Obesity stops testosterone production, or so I’ve heard…and now that I’m getting in shape again, my libido is returning!

I don’t wish to be crass….but it is such a blessing that I can feel 31 again, instead of 50!

I’m SUPPOSED to have a sex life! It’s HEALTHY! =)

Tomorrow is all planned out…I have a very busy day…this planning and writing stuff down on a schedule thing…it helps a lot.

I’m still nervous about business, but hey, I’m still working on it.

And I hate to report that I overate at the end of night again…

I used the fact that I’m upset about the Food Issues Group to have extra food.

So now I’ve dipped into tomorrow, so I only have 1370 calories left for tomorrow…it should be fine, but I’ve got to stop using my planned calories like a credit card. =(

Night.

Jayson!

Protected: FOOD ISSUES MEETING VENT 3.25.10

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DAY 59: …some hot, sweaty, fun and honest work!

1111p

I slept beautifully last night. I woke up feeling very slender, and my abs were a little sore!

I like when my abs are a little bit sore…I can actually feel the muscles in my stomach and my whole body just feels tighter and sleeker. I even walk differently!

Anyway, I woke up at 915a, a definite improvement. I’m going to attempt to sleep at midnight and wake at 830a tonight!

My sleep cycle is getting back to where it needs to be. =)

So I was awake and ready for the gym this morning! I really wanted to go!

It’s a heavy weights day, so that means some hot, sweaty, fun and honest work!

I wasn’t even out of bed yet, when I heard my phone ringing…to my surprise, my legs leapt out of bed, and got to the phone on the 3^rd ring!

And it was a new client on the phone! Did my ad finally work?!! Nope. It was a referral from another therapist…=(

But hey, a new client is a new client.

I had to finagle my day around to take the client last minute, but that’s okay…it’s work!

My entire day was planned out on paper before I left the condo…every half hour until 7p was planned out!

I also packed my meals for the day and the calories accounted for before I got on my way! I was proud of myself!

Strawberries with Beans, and Oranges with egg whites….mmmmm!

So as for the details of the day, I made my phone calls, ran some errands, did the laundry wrote several emails…

I was productive, in other words. =)

As for the workout, it was amazing! I really pushed myself!

I did more high quality reps on my mat workout (even though it’s not required on my heavy days), For example, the double pike crunches with perfectly straight legs and back…

And I used a 30lb. dumbbell for my plank rows and twisting plank rows!

I don’t know if you know how hard that is…but I even got a compliment from someone who was watching me! He said “Wow! I dug your mat workout…you can’t go wrong with a workout like that!”

That’s the third compliment I’ve received in the last 3 weeks about my workout. =)

And when I got to the Jump Squat Shoulder Presses, I used 40’s, 50’s and then 80’s! The 80’s were FUN!

Well…fun in a “oh my God I’m going to die, but holy shit!, am I really lifting this?!” kind of way.

It’s nice to know that I am hitting intensity hard enough to impress others. =) I think I need to show off a little, ya know?

I need that kind of validation…hence the blog.

I’m starting to feel so different about myself. I’m standing taller, easier, walking faster…and feeling much sexier! =)

And during my massage today, I had another TWO calls from interested parties! Including my FIRST call from my GLT ad!

It’s about damn time! And you know what? He wanted same day…and I couldn’t do it!

I’ve waited for 2 months, and spent over $345 for THAT phone call, and I couldn’t do it!

Oh please New Client person! PLEASE call back and reschedule like you said you might!!! PULEEEZE!?!

But here’s something I’m totally psyched about:

• The huge marketing opportunity I was talking about at “The Center” is a go!
• I’ll have a captive audience, and do massage for 3 hours in front of my target demographic!
• With a 6 foot banner, baby!

Another funny thing that happened today was that the “Litter Robot” broke.

• It’s a $329 miracle, and has made living with 2 cats absolutely EFFORTLESS! (http://www.litter-robot.com/)
• It also pays for itself quickly, considering the plastic tray refills that other machines need!
• Anyway…Hubby wanted to buy a new one right away…at least 4 phone conversations were had debating it…
• I was like, “Wait a couple days, let’s look at it…it might be fixable with a 2 dollar Radio Shack part or something!”
• And he was like, “I don’t want to be without it! I can get a new base for only $240, and we just got the tax return.”
• I prevailed…well, long enough for me to get home and realize that the ON/OFF switch had been hit.
• Can you imagine if he’d ordered right away? Silly Hubby…

After my day was done, my gal pal Lady Boobies came over to hang out with her temporary charge, a boxer named Boomer!

Leonardo kind of hated Boomer at first…he’s used to fighting with the boxer in our condo complex…but Boomer was a big innocent, 9 month old sweetheart. =)

So Lady Boobies and I went to sushi down the street and  chatted about love, life and men…it was very nice. =)

The rest of my night has been nice and calm. I did some spreadsheet stuff, took care of business, got flirted with a little bit online, and wrote my blog.

I have also been helping Hubby with food water and medicine…poor guy. He’s still hacking.

The last thing I’m going to do is look up the calories on the two sushi rolls I had, and figure out where I stand for tomorrow.

I had 657 calories left for the day, and sushi isn’t too calorie heavy.

Plus, all my specific food category quotas were met for the day.

I suspect I’ll be just fine, calorie-wise. But I’m still going to do my homework on what I ate. =)

Thanks for being here on my good days and on my bad days…The commitment I have to this blog is one of the big reasons I was able to pull myself out “Loserfest 2010” last week. =)

Isn’t it amazing how when my perspective improves, everything else seems to improve?  My Food Issues friend is glad for me. =)

I’ve had my shit together for a whole day (Monday), and suddenly Tuesday just goes through the roof in every category: Health, Business, Relationship, Friends…

Wow.

(Just watch, my Mom will die tomorrow or something…)

Mwah!
Jayson!

DAY 58: …like Lady Gaga, but not.

815p

I woke up at 1015a, not bad…at least it’s not noon or something…

I got to sleep a little later than I wanted to last night. I’m still not back on a healthy sleep schedule.

Tonight SHOULD change that. I plan to be in bed by 1130p. Wish me luck!

So, after my first healthy day back, I feel a little bit better this morning…I’m not feeling as “stuffed.”

Today is a “light workout” day, so that’s the first thing I did!

It was 55 minutes, and quite challenging. The challenging part wasn’t the weights, or the actual exercises…the challenge was the non-stop pace and the nearly hour duration!

I was FEELING the burn!

I hope that I can get off that 6 lbs. I put on last week…I felt very motivated when I saw the progress chart.

After 8 weeks, to have all my numbers go UP for the first time….nope…not a good thing.

When I got home, I finished the two remaining past due blogs from my week of “Loserfest,” and took some notes about today.

The blogs took me at least a couple of hours to write, (Day 56 was a HUGE blog for me), and I’d occasionally step out on the deck and take a break.

OMG, it’s GORGEOUS out there!

San Diego is warming up, the purple flowers in the planters are exploding open with SO much color.

It’s all just so beautiful!

I like when San Diego warms up…it feels like everything is going to be all right for the next 6 months. =)

I also ate surprisingly well today…at one point I thought to myself, “Damn, I’m eating too much!” But I wasn’t.

I actually ate 10 calories LESS than I should have today. I added those onto tomorrow.

Anyway, my legs are so SORE today…My butt, and my left hamstring and calf are just killing me!

I’ve been holding onto the railing going up and down my staircase…it’s quite comical looking, actually!

I guess that not doing cardio for a couple of weeks really knocked me off my game. 

Last week was just “Loserfest”, a celebration of indulging all traits within me that are “Loserish.”

But the week before that I was sick, and genuinely couldn’t work out very well!

With all the hacking and coughing, I could barely breathe, let alone huff and puff!

So here’s looking forward to getting back into shape this week. =)

I had an appointment today…but she rescheduled for Saturday. She is SO signing my new Cancellation Policy!

 That’s what happens, and I’ve now learned this lesson thoroughly! Clients will get flaky sometimes, if they aren’t held accountable.

From now on, every new client I ever make until I die will be signing one of these agreements, along with a credit card. =)

Hahahaa!! (Evil laugh)

Tomorrow should be a very productive day: I have a massage with my favorite client, the one who was very fragile last time and I led her through a guided visualization?

So, I’m looking forward to seeing if she’s gotten any better…

And then tomorrow night, my best (and ONLY) gal pal, “Lady Boobies”, is going to come over for some socializing!

She’s giggly, and funny, and very sweet, but flighty…and she has quite the blessing. Two of them.

We joke about her gigantic chest all the time.

To my female readership (all 2 of you): Please don’t be offended by her alias. It’s just a gay humor thing.

She’s like Lady Gaga, but not. =P

In any case, I’ve had a very good day…if only for the fact that I don’t have to do laundry until tomorrow! That’s the good part about clients rescheduling.

And now it’s just back downstairs to hang out with Hubby, and to get to bed at a decent time tonight.

Hubby isn’t feeling too well…poor guy.

And just a note about Hubby: Things have been a lot better.

It’s amazing how just a month ago, I was on the verge of saying “Good Riddance,” and now that he’s decided to have a positive attitude toward me, things are better again.

I want to state Loud and Clear: I don’t tolerate abuse, neglect or bullshit from anyone. Hubby included.

That said…he’s really been nice, caring, funny and genuinely sweet over the last couple of weeks.

That he sometimes has stress about all of the problems he shields me from…and wishes I was more of a help…that doesn’t make him a monster, that makes him a very good husband for shielding me in the first place.

And I want to be successful even MORE than he wishes. So, that’s the update regarding Hubby. =)

Speaking of success, let’s chat about the successes today!

• I caught up with all my blogs
• I ate what I’m supposed to eat
• I’ve worked out today, both weights and cardio (in front of the TV)
• I called my Food Issues friend
• I cleaned the house, did the dishes, etc.
• I confirmed my massage appointment for tomorrow

Tomorrow about the massage and Lady Boobies, but I also get to pick up my first spa check!

I also have to make two very important phone calls:

• “Top of the Park”: Ask about my massage chair for Friday nights. I don’t expect them to say yes, but it would be a GOLD MINE if they do!
• “The Center”: Make sure I can get my massage table into the “Guys Games & Grub” nights…that is another potential gold mine for my business!

Oh, and I also have to drop off more gift certificates for the GLT trade this week….not that they deserve them…

I still haven’t got a single F&$*#ing call for my $165 a month! More thoughts on that later…

Have a great night, and I love you all!

Mwah!

Jayson!

PS. I had a dream that I had a massive fight with my Mom, and things actually got better! Hmm….therapy might be in order again…

Night.

DAY 57: …Yeah…I’m insane. =)

NEW START: DAY 1

Well, the “Loserfest” week is over and done with.

It was a nice event, I’m glad I had it, I suppose, but this is a new week now.

Today is Monday, so let’s see how much weight I’ve gained!

 

Measurements:

• 239 lbs. (+6 lbs. -26 lbs. Total)
• 30.3% Fat (+.06%, -2.7% Total)
• 45” Waist (+1”, -6” Total)

Okay, there it is. I gained 6 pounds and an inch in the waist.

Wee.

Today I’m planning to do my light workout at the gym, and swim tonight at the Triathlon training with Mr. Trainer.

Although I scared myself, because this morning I took it easy…it was rough getting started…

And I had to ask myself: AM I going to get back on track today and do what I’m supposed to do?

CAN I get back on track, just by deciding to?

We’ll see.

First up, I picked up my friend Queen Junoria, and took him to the spa, where I learned how to do Hot Stone Massage!

It was fun. And Queenie loved it! I dropped him off at school afterwards, and thought to myself, “Self, now is the time to go to the gym.”

 So I went!

And as it turned out, I decided to do my HEAVY weight day. I worked HARD!

The workout was SHORT and sweet. Only 31 minutes…but the weights were VERY heavy for me!

I had that “heat shield” drop over my entire body about 5 minutes into the workout, I felt like I was in a broiler. And it didn’t let up for at least an hour…do you know what I’m talking about?

You get a heated layer of sweat that covers every inch of you, and your heartbeat accelerates? You know that BURN you get when you work out really well? Yeah. I got that. =)

After the workout, I hopped across the street to go shopping at Food 4 Less. I spent about $63 dollars, and I should be set for the week.

I was in the middle of preparing the food (chopping, dicing, etc.), when Hubby got home and said he wanted to go to the park with Leonardo Vandersnatch.

So, I left a message for Mr. Trainer that I wasn’t going to go swimming (he cancels all the time, so can I), and we went to the park!

Hubby wasn’t feeling too hot, so he just walked.

And as he walked, I bounded, sprinted, leapt, jumped, pranced, and otherwise ran circles around him (literally), to get my cardio in!

It was hysterical! (To me, anyway…although I did detect a smirk or two when Hubby didn’t think I was looking!)

The bridge that goes over the freeway into Balboa Park (Laurel St.) was especially fun! I took Leonardo at a gallop across the bridge, touched a light pole on the other side and then ran back to Hubby!

I got within 3 feet of Hubby, as he was walking, planted my feet, tagged him on the chest as I changed directions, and took off, laughing, back over the bridge again!

I was able to run back and forth between the light pole and Hubby about 7 times before he reached the other side…and it got faster and faster and faster as he got closer and closer… =P

Yeah…I’m insane. =)

But can I help you to understand how much JOY I had, being my old, obnoxious, high energy, positive self?! Whew!

Anyway, after the awesome workout at the park…it was just a really calm, nice night after that.

We got home, I finished the food prep, and then I went upstairs and wrote 6 blogs back to back!

Boy…I really let this last week slip. =(

Onto another day of doing better tomorrow!

Mwah!
Jayson!

PS. I still got to bed too late…around 130a….I’ll have to work on that. It’s hard changing your sleeping patterns overnight. =(

DAY 56: …how convenient! A Buffet!

THE LOST WEEK: DAY 6

Today was an especially long day, so I titled the different chapters, for your skimming purposes.

START OF DAY

I woke up today in a positive, but calm mood.

I know that today is going to be VERY long and VERY emotional…with LOTS of driving.

Hubby made me a rice and broccoli bowl with fried bologna…it was very sweet of him.

(Fried meat and rice is like a religion to Filipinos…hehe)

DRIVE TO ORANGE COUNTY

First order of the day was to drive to the OC with the dogs, to see the Karaoke Gang.

Max hates being in the car, he gets car sick…so we stopped often to let him get out and stretch his legs and stuff.

Leo on the other hand acts like he’s on crack in the car! He’s SO excited! At all times!

I got to spend some real quality time with Hubby in the car…I surprised him with a new karaoke version of “Under the Sea” on the iPod. That’s his favorite song. =)

And then he introduced a new game where we went through the alphabet naming animals for each letter.

He won A, I won B through E, and then he started kicking my ass! By the time we got to V, I knew he had won…

My secret weapon was my Dog Encyclopedia…but it was no match against his Fish Index….there are a Hell of a lot more fish than dogs! But it was fun anyway!

When Q came up, he said Quail, and I couldn’t think of a single other animal…but either could he! For next time I’ve come up with “Quarter Horse” and “Queensland Heeler.”

There were positive, loving vibes the entire trip today…I felt very close to Hubby…which is nice when it happens.

DEN OF THE KARAOKE GANG

We arrived in OC, I overate some white rice (sugar rush), and fried shrimp (See? More fried meat), and we spent some time saying Happy Birthday to his Godson. Also, Chiva and Pavarti were there. =)

I kind of kept to myself, and whipped out the construction paper and crayons I had brought…I was getting more and more upset because I know that Simi Valley and my dying Godfather are the next stop.

My Mother-in-Law asked me what I was doing, and I fell apart.

It was a little embarrassing. I was trying to create a page that told my Godfather what he meant to me, for the book that is being put together at his party.

My Mother-in-Law was actually very compassionate, and tried to comfort me…I guess Hubby’s parents aren’t completely evil…just mortified that I “ruined their son by turning him gay.”

Wow. I turned him gay? I must be good at this whole gay thing…apparently I have super powers now. =P

MY GODFATHER’S HOUSE IN SIMI VALLEY

I was still a mess when we left for our long trip up to Simi Valley, so Hubby drove.

We arrived and parked down the street from the house, and I was pretty shut down. I just wasn’t ready to be in a party mood…

But as we’re walking up the street to the house (at the top of a cul-de-sac), I look behind me, and there’s a dog playing in a yard, half a block down.

I spun on my heels and headed straight for the dog. Hubby was like, “Where are you going?”

A minute later, I was chatting with the owner of the dog, and petting my new friend, and getting some doggy love. I must have spent 5 minutes there just charging up my battery…I love dogs for how they can do that!

And then I saw my Godfather.

He seems okay I guess…but he is very tired now. The radiation and chemo are taking a toll. Plus, he’s 75 now…

I felt so yucky from the long drive, I went upstairs and changed into my party clothes and freshened up…anything to get away from the party people.

When I finally did come back down, I needed to cope somehow…

And how convenient! A Buffet!

• Super sugary meatballs in a bbq kind of sauce
• Mini turkey sandwiches with lots of mayonnaise
• Chocolate chip cookies
• Cheese soufflé casserole with strawberry jam
• Bowls of M&M’s sitting around…

The only thing missing were more Fudge Rounds.

Hubby was kind about my obvious bingeing…I guess he figured I all ready knew what I was doing. And he was right.

My Godfather was sitting away from the party, in the living room…and 2-3 people at a time would come and spend 5 minutes or so with him throughout the event.

I tried to tell him, during our 5 minutes, everything he’s meant to me…and he said that he was amazed at how I seem to be typical of the people in his life who value him.

He pointed out a prestigious lifetime achievement award and other honors, and the more than 100 people who came to the party to see him…

It was interesting. I thought we’d get all teary…but instead he was just marveling at how lucky he was.

It was as if he were saying, “I’m ready to die, if that’s what is in the cards…I’m luckier than anyone I know for all the love in my life.”

I didn’t really have anything to say to him after that. I guess he all ready knew what I wanted to say.

So, before I left, I worked on the book that everyone was making for him.

Hubby cut out the letters of my Godfather’s name from construction paper, and I worked on filling the page with all that I wanted him to know.

I put it all down in there…I suppose that’s closure, right?

DOWN MEMORY LANE IN L.A.

Then came the drive back to OC to pick up the dogs.

On the way, we drove through LA, and Hubby showed me his old house, his old school…all the places where he remembers growing up.

I felt very close to him, seeing all of his childhood memories.

And we took a picture of Hubby under a tree that he planted when it was only 12 inches high, and is now over 30 feet high!

It was a beautiful thing, really. And a once in a lifetime experience.

And then, I called my parents and got the address of the apartments where MY first memories of growing up were….and it was only 3 blocks from Hubby’s childhood home!

And boy was my old apartment crap! NOT a good neighborhood.

And to tell the truth I was disappointed, because it’s not really like I remembered it…

Also, we had to do the entire experience twice, because I had taken pictures, told Hubby about my memories, got back on the freeway and realized the address was wrong! So, we went BACK, found the right one, and retook the pictures. =( Embarassing!

But hell, I’m glad I got these emotional experiences out of the way and done with.

PSYCHOANALYSIS AND PURPOSE OF THE BLOG

I’ve thought about those first apartments of mine for a long time now…years…I think I’m the kind of person who hangs onto things.

Like, the other day when I was talking about the fudge rounds, I felt like I was back in that Jr. Hell schoolyard. I remembered the cliques, and how I didn’t have one.

I remembered when I actually approached the theatre clique and was welcome to observe, but not really participate.

I thought to myself that past experiences either build up confidence, or teach a person why they’re NOT cool. A person carries those lessons around with them the rest of their life unless they’re addressed and relearned.

That’s what this whole process is about, this whole weight loss journey.

That’s why my blog is so weird, and why I talk about almost everything except what my weight loss “plan” is….

Because my weight is just a side effect of how I’m living my life, and how I feel about myself.

I overeat because I have lagged behind in the lessons on how to properly deal with, face up to, accept and hang tough through all of my negative emotions.

And if I haven’t learned how to handle the negative emotions, that means I never really learned my lessons…so I haven’t really grown up!

I’d like to say that in some ways I’m around 23, mentally…and that when it comes to my eating addiction, I’m right around 19 right now. Those are both better than they used to be, though.

The 23 year old in me is just learning how to start supporting himself, how to begin to take responsibility for things, and is recognizing the consequences of his actions.

The 19 year old addict in me has a lot of enthusiasm, and is getting a lot of knowledge about how to change…but is still flighty, temperamental, and waffles back and forth between playing the “I’m all grown up now, Mom” card, and the “Someone save me, I’m still a kid!” card.

That’s what this entire journey is about. That’s why I’m so thankful that I have this blog to go through everything with.

Just the writing, itself, is a channel of change for me.

I get to challenge all of my old beliefs about myself, and finally express all of the emotions that keep me overeating again and again and again…

Thank you for being here with me. =)

FISH TANK SAGA

We finally made it back home to San Diego, and boy was it a long drive…

The first thing that happened was that Hubby had to deal with his secondary fishtank going through some cataclysmic chemical event!

All his fish are either dead or dying.

He was very upset.

But I felt good that I was able to catch the little baby fish that Hubby couldn’t get to.

We transferred all the survivors over to the other, bigger and healthier tank…

Just more thinking about life and death…as if I need to think MORE about that today.

A LOVELY FIGHT

Well, anyway, the loss of his fishtank got Hubby in a mood, so the fighting started.

He just vented about money stress, and how I’m not doing enough…he got really negative and “martyish”…but I can’t honestly say that I blame him very much.

I wanted to leave, but I just sat there and took it. I weighed it out, and talked about both sides.

For example, I should make more money, on the other hand, my business IS building, I have a temporary spa job now that should help, and things are moving in the right direction.

I went through all of his points, step by step, analyzing them and talking frankly about what I’m doing, and how I can or can’t help more.

He seemed quite appreciative that I was able to listen objectively to him…I really do feel bad that I’m not more successful yet.

But then I told him that even though I agree with many of his points, I have to choose positivity for myself. I have to believe I can do it, let his vent flow right off my back, and keep going.

I talked about being in relapse this week, and how I’m not taking care of myself at all…well, a big part of that is because of having a bad attitude about myself.

It’s about much more than money or jobs…I have to believe in myself…I have to get to work…I have to keep going until I make it! In all areas: Health, Money, Behavior, Emotional Health….I need to be healthy.

So while I do agree with him here and there, and see his points, I can’t THINK about myself that way…or I’ll never move from where I am, and I’ll only get worse.

If I think of myself as some loser, then I’ll only lose everything in my life that’s important to me…including him.

He totally agreed, apologized for his negativity (did hell just freeze over?), and we moved on! =)

But after such a positive day,  it was still a rough way to end the day.

CONCLUSION

The rest of the night was just about Zuma, and I was in bed around 1am.

But that pep talk I gave to Hubby about what I have to do for myself…my experience with beating myself up this week…and the obvious weight gain I’ve gone through…they have all lit a fire under my butt.

So, before I went to bed I came up with a plan for tomorrow.

Tomorrow I’m going to:

• Commit to go to the gym.
• Shop for my healthy food (Hubby says he’ll pay for it.)
• Call my Food Support Group friend on time
• Get back on track…one lost week is quite long enough, thank you very much.

Let’s see if I can do it.

Night,

Jayson.

DAY 55: …Fudge Rounds MUST cross the blood brain barrier…

THE LOST WEEK: DAY 5

After NOT sleeping very well, I got up at 6am to take Billy to the airport for a trip to New York!

Glad to help, but 6am? Oy vey.

He was Bitchy…and burning through our “friendship currency” like mad this morning…but he has the currency to burn, so go for it…hehe

I got back home and cleaned the house for an hour. Chiva and Pavarti are arriving soon! (My brother in law and his husband)

I did a massage at 930a, and it was wonderful.

From beginning to end it was a great experience: My client showed up on time, was happy to see me, enjoyed the work, paid me well, and rescheduled!

I LOVE my clients! I treat them like gold…I mean, they are my living. I just need MORE of them is all…

(To remind you, Chiva is my brother in law, and Pavarti is his Husband. Aliases, of course)

Hubby, Chiva, Pavarti and I all went to Dimsum, and it was good.

A little too good.

I ate a lot. But I wanted to help my headache…it’s going on day 2 now…

SOMETHING in those Fudge Rounds MUST cross the blood brain barrier and hijack my chemicals pretty directly, because my head feels like it has a construction crew living inside of it!

Anyway, Leo looked cute today…I put one of his GAP polos on, for my in-laws visit. Awww…

We all went to La Jolla to see the tide pools, then to the aquarium, and then to SoupPlantation where I again overate, and snuck 3-4 chocolate chip brownies…)

Anyway, their visit was a success, and tonight was just about playing on the computer.

Oh, and our downstairs storage closet kind of flooded…that was fun.

The storage unit next to us REALLY flooded…so we helped our cute neighbor to move his stuff out.

Tomorrow is the big trip to see Hubby’s family in the OC, then to Simi Valley to see my Godfather who’s dying of cancer, and then all the way home to San Diego.

I’m worried about my Godfather. He’s going through radiation and chemotherapy…I hope he’s not in a lot of pain.

So to recap the part that you’ve been waiting for, namely “How the hell does all this apply to a blog about weight loss”, here it is:

• I am in complete meltdown regarding my health
• I’m going on a road trip with no food plan
• I’ll be going to my Father in-laws house, who generally hates me
• Then I’ll see my dying Godfather, whom I love very much

Um…yeah. The emotional eating, stress and bad planning should all come together tomorrow for a beautiful day.

Night for now.
Jayson.

DAY 54:…that gargantuan poop looks better than I feel!

THE LOST WEEK: DAY 4

I woke up sick, lethargic, moody and awful feeling.

I’m talking LOTS of diarrhea and dizziness all day.

And that did NOT put me in a good mood today.

And the dogs shit on the deck like a horse today!

Poor Max! I can’t believe that came out of him! And let me tell you…that gargantuan poop looks better than I feel!

I don’t know how I’m going to go, but tonight is “Top of the Park,” where I do a lot of networking…

Seriously, I have been sick and nauseous all day. And I have a splitting headache.

In an attempt to balance out the effect of the Fudge Rounds last night (and the last four I slammed in this morning), I ate some rice and chicken.

It didn’t help. The Fudge Rounds are too strong.

WHY did I eat 4 more if I felt like this, you ask? Well isn’t it obvious? If I was having a sugar withdrawal, it’s only natural to think that putting more sugar in might help……um, yeah….

I had a conversation with my food friend. Nothing new, I was just honest about what I was doing.

Through my headache I was still able to get some office work done. That’s good. I created a client database spreadsheet. I needed one of those.

But by the time “Top of the Park” came…I cancelled. I’m in no condition to stand, let alone sparkle.

Hubby was in a good mood tonight. And I’m excited about my Brother in law visiting tomorrow…sorta.

To tell the truth, I am so high on sugar that I can’t feel much emotion, good or bad right now.

I guess that’s the point of “numbing out,” right?

Although I can feel the BAD emotions through the sugar…like all this anxiety about the small possibility that Jim is somehow plotting to kick  me out of the office. =(   (I’m overreacting)
Well, anyway, I went to bed at midnight.

I felt so horrible today I just want to die for a couple of days…but then again, I’ve sort of all ready done that, right?

We’re going to Dimsum in the morning…but we’ll see.

Night.
Jayson. 

DAY 53: …it was the Fudge Rounds that stole my heart…

THE LOST WEEK: DAY 3

I woke up at 11a.

And to tell you the truth, that was still a little early for me.

My 1p massage appointment cancelled (people don’t value “trades” as much as when they have to pay)

It was Mr. Trainer…well, hey…he’s a busy guy…but I might have to have a chat with him. He does this a lot.

Anyway, the food is calling to me still.

Billy is trying to be supportive…but he’s also very busy.

I had a disturbing run in with a little slut boy today. I won’t say much about it, just that I was treated in a way that was very against my nature. He made a lot of assumptions about me, and threw himself at me…(I’m glad I’m attractive to someone I guess…)

But the point is, I was very sad today, because I’m lost this week. Had I been healthy, this person of bad character would never have got past my guard. It’s amazing, isn’t it?

Some people are like maggots…if you let a wound fester, if you don’t take care of yourself, if you are feeling bad or entertaining thoughts of worthlessness, the abusers just move right in for the kill!

Anyway, I dealt with him.

I had a good second massage today though! At least today has one saving grace!

I met a new client, gave an amazing massage, and created a new client who is hooked on my style and has rescheduled! Wee!

Now I just need 10 more of him.

Tonight was about yet more depressed thoughts, which meant Jack In the Box.

Sourdough Burger, Small Fry, Oreo Shake, Chicken Sandwich and 4 Tacos.

During the tacos, I actually became ILL. They were obviously OLD taco shells, and WAY over-fried…it was like eating cardboard dipped in grease.

Although come to think of it, cardboard dipped in grease may have been healthier than those tacos.

But did I stop eating? Oh no. I was a trooper and finished all 3 bags worth of shit.

And then, just because I figured I was all ready screwed, I went to another fine Food establishment.

Wal-Mart.

And for only $2.50, I was able to throw my pathetic carcass at my old enemy: Fudge Rounds.

Out of the 12, I ate 8 in a row right before bed: 2400 calories of sugar and fat in 20 minutes.

But you have to understand the emotional pull of these treats…it is DEEPLY ingrained in me to commit Fudge Round suicide!

Everytime I’m in trouble in my life, the Fudge Rounds are there…I can’t even count how many I ate when I was on tour…every city, every Wal-Mart I could find…

Fudge Rounds were LITERALLY my only friends in Junior High. EVERY lunch period, I would DASH to the front of the snack bar line, with my 50 cents or dollar, and get my fudge rounds.

For almost the entire two years of Junior High, I wouldn’t even eat any “real food.” Just my Fudge Rounds.

(Although Burgers, Fries and Burritos shouldn’t count as real food either….God, there is Crap in our schools!)

And as long as we’re at it, the gas stations would fill me up on my way home, after school. Three Musketeers, Reeses, Kit Kats & M&M’s.

The M&M’s were good when you didn’t care about flavor, just getting as much sugar in as quickly as possible.

But it was the Fudge Rounds that stole my heart…

I mean, they were always there! Always comforting! And cheap!

After Junior High, I searched for YEARS for them…I didn’t know where to get them for the longest time, these sympathetic, loving friends of mine…

Well, they were just sitting there. Waiting for me to come find them again.

Thanks Fudge Rounds! Thanks for being there!

I can’t wait to see how I’m going to feel in the morning! =)

Jayson.

DAY 52:…”Hooters for Hair.”

THE LOST WEEK: DAY 2

I was a Failure all day. And I knew it.

I didn’t move a single muscle I didn’t have to…thank God I had an appointment I had to go to.

I went to the Spa and learned how to do a “Mud Wrap.”

People pay for this. To be wrapped in mud…weird.

In an attempt to not be so pathetic, I thought up a new strategy for my massage business: Work for cheap, exclusively for the thousands of neighbors who live in the dozen condo complexes up and down my street!

It’s an idea…the problem is, how do I reach that audience? And once again I have to say that in order to get clients, I have to touch them. Once someone experiences what I do, they are hooked.

But I can’t go door to door touching all of my neighbors within a half mile….massage is weird. Everyone is very personal about it. Would YOU call a flyer dropped off at your door for massage?

So this requires some more thought.

Billy tried to cheer me up by spending some time with me. I drove him over to get a haircut.

The haircut is located in the Costco/Ikea center. I forget what it’s called…some kind of sports thing, but it SHOULD be called “Hooters for Hair.”

This place is FREAKY!

Blonde women with large breasts, giggling and bouncing around, but with scissors…

I was thoroughly disgusted with Billy for taking me there…but he was tickled that I was so disgusted.

And the men walking in there were all these “buffed out surfer dudes in trucks” and stuff…

I said to Billy, “Aren’t they embarrassed that they’re all such stereotypes, and patronizing a place that sells them yet another stereotype of what they’re supposed to like?”

He said “No. They think it’s normal.”

I mean, really? Normal? Don’t straight people have ANY self awareness? I was embarassed for all parties involved…but maybe I’m just being a prude?

Straight guys….sigh…..

Anyway…I spent some time with Hubby tonight…that felt really nice.

I enjoy spending time with him, he’s usually so busy.

And I noticed that my torso still feels slim. I generally feel fine today. I guess it’s only been a day since I’ve begun slipping.

But later on in the night I thought I needed some more comfort, so I went to Wendy’s.

Burger, Fries, Ice Cream Shake, Chicken Sandwich…I didn’t sleep until 3am.

With all the calories I ate (around 2000 in that one meal), I just stayed up and played Zuma.

Is anyone else addicted to that game?

I felt a lot of depression, anger, and defiance against a healthy, restrictive schedule…

And then just to make my life better, I got an email from Jim, whom I rent the office from.

He basically said that I’ve made a very bad impression on him, I have to stop acting like I own the space instead of sharing it, and that we have to have some talks…

I took FULL responsibility for the perceptions I caused, explained some of the miscommunications, and moved on…but that HURT me tonight.

I felt like I was kicked in the head when I was all ready down.

All I know is that everything is slipping, stopping, falling. My Workouts, Bloggin, Meetings, Friendships, Health, Food, Positive Outlook…everything.

Well, onto Day 53 for some more self-destruction.

Jayson.

DAY 51: …The workout never did happen.

THE LOST WEEK: DAY 1

I woke up at 1pm this day. I had stayed up really late, which is something I do when I’m being a loser.

Anyway, this morning I dealt with the GLT magazine regarding the advertising for my business…still not thrilled with it.

I haven’t got a SINGLE call from my ad! NOTHING. That’s a VERY expensive “nothing” to be paying for…damnit.

Anyway, I did some more computer stuff, and watched Wonder Woman, Season 2.

I wasn’t very productive today.

Although I DID call the Food Bank. I’m poor. I need food, and so I did what I had to do.

Billy and Hubby didn’t like the thought of me going to a Food Bank very much…but then again, I don’t like the thought of feeling guilty by spending Hubby’s money.

We’re struggling…that what food banks are for. =(

Well, as you can tell, today is all about Depression. Yesterday I wrote a blog about how I want to be “graduated” from all the things I have to do every day, and I don’t want to do anymore work…

I don’t know if I’m feeling this way because I’ve been sick, or because I was sick and allowed myself to wallow and get into a bad mental state.

I bet it’s the second one. I should have kept going. I should have moved, I should have kept up some semblance of taking care of myself…

I’m the kind of person that can’t afford to take a day off. Like I said on Day 50, I’m fighting myself. Well, I’m with myself every day, so therefore, I can’t take a day off…

This blog, just like the rest of the blogs this week, are being written on Day 57, because every positive opportunity I had for the next 6 days was totally wasted.

Although I did warn you about this, didn’t I? I talked about this all the way back in the first couple of days.

I said Week 6 is when I typically crash…I wonder if that’s something true, or if that was just a decision I had made…like a contract with my body or something.

You know how you will sometimes wake up a minute before your alarm goes off?

What if when I said “Week 6 is as far as I think I’m going to make it”, my body started the countdown?

What if Week 6 ended, and my body went, “Okay, time to stop now. That’s the contract we had. We fulfilled our part. EAT!”

…Great…

Of course I had Puppy time today. No matter what mood I’m in, my babies are always welcome. Dogs are great you know…they don’t care if you’re fat or not…although when I’m healthy, I treat them better, and they go on more walks…

I originally wrote in my notes that I was planning on working out tonight. But that’s only because I had planned to work out this morning, and that didn’t happen.

The workout never did happen.

All that happened was that I got overwhelmed by my business action page…there is too much to do, and I’m not having very many successes. I’m frustrated.

During the dog walk at 640p, I just had a full emotional stop. I’m FILLED with self doubt/hatred, and absolutely NO confidence in myself.

Writing about it now…I can identify that this was the moment that led to the “Loserfest” that was my last week.

So of course the rest of the night was about playing Zuma, doing nothing productive, and going to bed at an insane hour.

Onto Day 52.

Jayson.

Introduction to “The Lost Week”

Well folks…here I am. I’m back. I’m behind by 6 past due blogs, plus one more for today.

My entire week has passed, and it was a total Loserfest.

I didn’t work out AT ALL. I didn’t blog, I didn’t go to meetings, I didn’t care either.

I wanted to know where my brain was, so I re-read Day 50, the last day I was actually semi conscious…and well, it wasn’t pretty.

Day 50 is all about bitching about life. I “allowed myself to be lazy today”, and boy was that a bad idea.

The only thing I HAVE done is take notes on each day.

I’ll tell you how much weight I’ve gained when I blog about it on Day 57. In the meantime, it’s all ready late, and I have 7 blogs to write!

They’re going to be as brief as I can make them, without sacrificing the true story.

Here we go.
Jayson.

Don’t Root for the Witch, 3.15.10

This following special blog post is from a Blog on my Blogroll called “Diary of a Morbidly Obese and Changing.”   

Because I was in quite a funk today, I was more passionate than usual in my reply to her…and of course, I was talking mainly to myself, rather than the Author.   

I identified with her, ya know? She triggered things in my own thinking that I had to talk about, and I wanted to share it with you all.   

With my apologies and praise to the original Author, I wanted to share the entire moving experience that I had with her writing today, because it really affected me, and helped me to see my own state of mind clearer today.   

The first part is, once again, HER writing…and then the response is mine…followed by her response, followed by my response.   

It’s self explanatory. =)   

===============================================   

The Original Post from Kitty, Author of “Morbidly Obese and Changing.”   

===============================================  

Day 21: Screw Snow White and her cute little dwarfs

March 15, 2010

I have heard exercise is supposed to improve your mood.  I was hoping I’d hit the gym, get on the treadmill and be all happy like freakin’ Snow White;  doves landing on my finger, Bambi and Thumper running along side of me and little sparrows tying bows in my hair.  I got squat.  Where are the endorphins?   

   

I am feeling very frail emotionally as my 23-year-old son, who’s had 2 brain surgeries since October, is having another this Thursday AND I CAN’T GO THIS TIME.  I am very frustrated, depressed, scared.. you name the emotion and I am feeling it.  So going to the gym today wasn’t a party.  I found it challenging to go in, challenging to stay on the 40 minutes, challenging to do the incline and challenging to not let my mind constantly be on my son.  I turned Lady Gaga up in my ear, hoping to drown out last nights nightmares, and it didn’t work…  all that happened is my ears are now ringing.   

I admit I feel better in the simple fact that I didn’t sit on the couch in a nervous snit, I keep thinking I will be thankful a month from now I kept it up when I didn’t feel like it, but, I was hoping a good serotonin/endorphin rush would kick in.  I guess hoping exercising was a magical fix all is expecting too much.  Just a hard day.   

Screw Snow White, I’m cheering for the witch today.   

===============================================   

MY RESPONSE:   

===============================================

Jayson! Says:  Dear Kitty,  

I apologize in advance for the harsh tone of my response. I don’t mean to be harsh at all…I just want to talk plain and without any nonsense, because that’s how life is.  

  And I figure you’ll get enough “Oh, I’m so sorry for you” responses. For the record, I AM sorry for you…but that’s not going to help you with anything, right?

So here’s my perspective:  As an obese food addict, I always live in my fantasy world; It’s “my way or the highway”….but life doesn’t care what I think. No.   

Life is cruel, matter of fact, vicious & without any apologies to anybody. And it’s not even personal.   

Millions of deserving, wonderful, bright, hopeful, young, happy, loving people die every single year. And lots of bastards get to live a while longer.   

If life were fair, or controllable, we might be happier, but I can’t control life. I can only control me…and only partially at that.   

By sulking, because exercise didn’t make you feel wonderful and magical today, you are robbing yourself of a perspective that can help you.   

You DID exercise today, and you helped yourself to be stronger, healthier, and you stood up to what life threw at you. As life goes, you have a fair amount of stress today. More than some, less than others.   

But today, you claimed your power and said “Life, you suck, and I’m unhappy about my kid, but you know what? I’m still important, and I still did what I had to do. You haven’t stopped me today.”   

And that’s no small deal. That is a big change from how you probably used to deal with your problems, right?   

Having a sick child isn’t fair, but life doesn’t care about that. No matter what you do, your child will get better or get worse. There’s very little you can control (which sucks, I know.)   

But if you focus on the fear, you can’t be present and appreciate all the things that you DO have. If you get wrapped up in your own mental mess, you won’t be any good to anybody, including yourself, your son or your family. Right?   

When I’m upset and feeling sorry for myself, I find it VERY useful to write a gratitude list. Write at least 40 things you’re grateful for…and then say “Thank you” in a tiny little prayer.   

(And who cares if God even exists or not? The attitude shift will work wonders whether he exists or not.)   

Even if you’re mad or think you have nothing to be grateful for, just try it. But I warn you, you WILL feel better afterwards, so be careful. Most people just want to stay mad.   

A huge part of evolving out of my compulsive overeating was to learn how to “grow up”, which means dealing with life as life is, not as I would have it be.   

You may not be able to fix your kids brain, or lose 100 pounds by tomorrow, but you can have a good attitude, take care of yourself, not give into despair and take practical, every day steps that will give you more peace, happiness, strength, and inspire others. You can choose to be powerful.   

So no wimping out, Kitty.   

No whining.   

No rooting for the witch.   

That bitch got what she had coming to her.   

Decide to be DONE with letting negativity in, because that’s always what starts the cycle of overeating and depression. Right?   

I’m proud of you. You did what you had to do today…and even though the reward may not seem instant, it IS.   

You’ve proven to yourself that you don’t have to have things your way. You’ve proven that you’re tough enough to live in the real world, take one thing at a time, and still keep going, no matter what happens.   

And it gets easier every time you repeat it.   

I don’t know about you, but I used to be the kind of person who got stopped by every negative thought, by every little emotion, by every doubt…but now I’m different. And nothing is going to stop me today.   

THAT’S the reward you get every day.   

Real, evolving change. Genuine growth.   

That’s no small deal. Right?   

Jayson.   

===============================================

  KITTY’S RESPONSE  

  ==============================================   

Kitty Says:   

WOW.   

I think you need to be sitting on a mountain top somewhere in the Himalayas in an orange robe milking a goat. That was pure genius insight! Thank you for not playing the sympathy card, but for reminding me of the good and the strength.   

You are right, before I would have dealt with this very differently, I would have turned to food. Something big, cheesy and REALLY not good for me. I am trying very hard to make a conscious effort to avoid that behavior.   

Thank you Jayson, for being such a sensitive yet tough friend! And, thank you for reminding me of all that you did. It was not only inspiring, but refreshing.   

Also, for the record, I very much believe in God. I know he is in control of it all anyway, so why we continue to worry is beyond me, just human I suppose.   

================================================   

MY FINAL RESPONSE   

================================================   

Jayson! Says:

Mmmmm…..”big and cheesy”……are you sure that Food isn’t God?   

lol…that would explain a lot…like why I used to worship it. =P   

Mwah!   

J   

DAY 50: …he deserves the food more than I do.

1205a (Next morning)

Let’s chat.

I woke up at 9a, then slept til 10a, then decided to just lay there until I felt like getting up…it was 1105a by the time that happened.

I allowed myself to act lazy today. I only jog 5 days a week, and only work out 4…I have no massages, no commitments, no anything today…

It’s the first day of the week, time for my weigh in…and yet the last couple of days haven’t been anything I’m anticipating to see on the scale.

For the record, I didn’t gain or lose anything. Except perhaps a little in the waist…I think I’m down an inch or so in the waist….HOW is beyond me.

I’m not even going to bother taking a picture this week. The scale said there’s no change.

I only worked out with weights 3 times last week, once with Mr. Trainer, once heavy, and once light.

I did no cardio at all…I was too sick. Bleh.

In any case, I’m fighting against Me today.

I’m fighting my wanting to be done and graduated with my physical recovery.

I’m tired.

I’m exhausted.

I don’t want to:

• Work out
• Eat in a specific way (although I actually DO want to feel good.)
• Keep a food journal
• Weigh and measure food
• Sweat
• Continue to pour more time, talent or money into a business that’s going nowhere…
• Wake up early in the morning
• Go to sleep earlier at night
• Go to any damn Food Issue meetings
• Do any emotional/mental work

In short, I don’t even want to have any problems that need to be dealt with.

Unfortunately, that will never be a reality…so I’m going to either decide to deal with my problems starting tomorrow morning, or I’m going to slide back into a crazy, ineffective way of living.

And to tell the truth, I’m not sure I can even GO back, if I wanted to.

I’m getting too good at living effectively, damnit.

I spent a lot of time organizing my Business Action Page this morning…it felt very overwhelming.

There are 53 Actions I can take in 9 different categories that I can do to help my business.

Of course, some of them take money, so I can only do about 30 of them right now…but it any case…I’m losing hope that I’ll make it, business wise. I don’t like that feeling.

I’m overqualified, and I’m pouting about it now:

• I do good work
• I’m professional
• I have all my licensing
• I have major advertising
• I have a mission statement
• A killer website
• Pictures
• An awesome personality
• A professional office I’m paying rent on
• Free parking

…all I need are the customers!

Well…my food went a little crazy today because of this slippery mental slope I’m on. All I could do is to feel sorry for myself.

And I spent all the rest of my money on Max’s expensive dog food. I have less than $10 in either of my accounts. =(

But that’s okay…I’ll get by somehow. Hubby won’t let me go hungry…

And Max needed that $80 worth of medicated food and glucosamine chonjointant, so that he can walk. He’s 18 and has arthritis….he deserves the food more than I do.

I love that dog more than anything in the world. He’s just an innocent baby who still wants to be involved in the world around him. =)

Even if he does have trouble standing…siggh….why do we have to age? =(

Anyway, I still called my food issue friend at the prescribed time…even though nothing is happening and I’m throwing a mental temper tantrum today.

I cleaned the house before Hubby got home today…he said thank you. I’m just in a funk.

I want the vision that I wrote about yesterday. I want the success, and I’m willing to do the work…I just feel powerless to do much more than I all ready am.

But I’ve got to keep going, keep persevering, keep “at it” until I’m a success.

This seems to be the building phase of my business where I’ll either get worn down, or win.

Damnit.

So, tomorrow I’m planning on going to the gym for a heavy workout in the morning. And I’ve modified my calories for the rest of the week.

200 less over the next 6 days will make up for my stupid, joyless mini binge today.

I hope the mini binge isn’t just something I’m going to do every Monday after my weigh in.

Oh, and I want a lot of sex. My body is ready to go.

See? That’s the problem, or at least part of it….I feel like most of my health problems are gone, I have my sex drive back, and I’m fitting into my size 38 pants…normally!

I FEEL like I should graduate now…but it’s only one small step up a graduated hill of fitness that will continue to get steeper the rest of my life…

Or to put it more humorously, as Billy said to me, “See? You’re in good enough shape that you want people again. Now keep working out until other people want YOU.”

Mwah.

Jayson.

DAY 49: …jiggling, playground of a man…

I woke up, looked at my schedule and saw that I had booked up for the spa.

I got there in 20 minutes flat, and did a massage. Wee.

There’s no traffic on Sundays…it was very calm.

Oh! My pants! I didn’t want to wear my baggy clown pants anymore…so I went through all my old pairs, and I fit into my 38 waist khakis!! They look fabulous, and they were comfortable!

I am looking Very sexy and small! I love my butt now! (So does Hubby!)

I went back home for 2 hours, saw Hubby hard at work on his fish tanks, had some fun sex (inspired by my new (old) pants), and went back to work where I did 2 more easy massages, and then came home!

There is another therapist at the spa who is very nice…let’s call her “Triangle.”

Triangle is very groovy, and into energy, and astrology, and Eastern Bodywork theories…kinda out there…hence the name “Triangle.”

Anyway, she said my eyebrows were divine.=) Aww…thanks! My sister liked them too. Yes, yes…my eyebrows are divine…thank you everybody. =)

After getting home from the massages, I met Hubby out front and hopped in the car with two very happy, very tired dogs who had just gone and ran around Fiesta Island! (Off-leash doggie paradise!)

I also called up and dragged Billy along with us, and we went to Petsmart!

The sun was out, I had made easy money, I was surrounded by a nice Hubby, my Best Buddy Billy and my two furry babies…it was awesome. =)

Billy had to go home after a little while, so we dropped him off, and got Sushi.

I love sushi.

It was Sunday, I’ve been sick…and I wasn’t really worrying about calories. It tasted good.

And the waitresses brought the doggies water in Styrofoam soup bowls. =)

Why are Asian women so scared of dogs? It seems to be a true stereotype…hmm…            

I dropped by Billy’s place and watched him vocally coach a young, jiggling, filled out, playground of  a man…showing bikini underwear lines through his thin stretchy sweats…yeah, I didn’t move from my chair until he was good and done…very distracting…=)

I made sure to leave them alone after a while…go get em Billy Boy!

Anyway, I wrote my invoice for the spa, didn’t worry about much else the rest of the night, and slept by midnight. =)

Hubby played some video games, and talked about his plans for the fish tanks…one dayof domestic peace…ahh…

Mwah!

Jayson!

DAY 48: …what my perfect future looks like…

940p

(Remember to set your clocks ahead an hour tonight!)

It was quite the interesting day.

It had most of the same themes as the last couple of days:

• I’m not feeling well
• I’m not working out very much this week, because of being sick
• Hubby is being nice to me, and it’s freaking me out
• I gotta get my business off the ground…

This morning started with going to a chair massage gig…that, long story short, was a complete and total dud. So I left.

And I drove to Los Angeles! While still sick!

My sister had really wanted me to go up to the book signing with RuPaul…and I just thought “To hell with it! I can’t sit around waiting for my phone to ring with invisible clients that never call!”

(And no one HAS called me today, btw)

So, I wrote down 4-5 things I knew I’d need to pack, hopped in the car, and drove 2 ½ hours up there!

I surprised my sister, met RuPaul (very sweet voiced…exactly as he seems to be from his reality show), and I told him that between Madonna and Him, I was almost cool when I came out in High School in 1994.

He was very calm and focused on my sister who actually had the book being signed, but he smiled and stuff. I’m sure he’s heard that he has changed many lives before.

How cool would that be? To be practically bored hearing about how inspirational you’ve been? Hehe

Anyway, I saw my sister’s house…it’s a cute little place. =)

I took a shower because I wasn’t feeling well, and then I drove home after an hour.

I REALLY hate LA. I always say how awful it is, and this trip did nothing to change my mind.

LA just gets smaller and smaller, and the more you drive, the more trapped you feel. It’s like everything is closing in on you!

The streets are small, the cars are big, the people are aggressive, and the traffic is never ending…you can’t even stretch your arms out the window for fear that someone will take your arm off at 80 mph!

Got home, went to Red Lobster with Hubby, and I paid for my part of the meal. I’m glad I could help…I have just a few dollars left in my bank account.

The main thing that I want to talk about is that I had 5 hours in the car to think, pray, reflect and EMPTY my brain of a ton of details.

These details are everything I think about my business, my vision for the future, and the foreseeable steps to get there….and all of that will be done (written out on a prioritized list anyway) tomorrow! =)

It’s amazing how much thinkingI did, and how large the goals seem, and how many steps there are to get where I want.

Do you want to see my final vision? Do you want to see what my perfect future looks like?

My Dream Future Vision:

1. I get up in the morning (always a good way to start)
2. I do my workout with my new Bowflex Selectech dumbbells in my living room (expensive suckers)
3. I pack some good food for the day (I’m a skinny bitch)
4. I grab my athletic, sweetheart of a doggie 
5. We get into my Electric Blue & White Volkswagen Bus, painted w/ my Business Logos on the sides
6. We drive to my small Massage building that I am renting (3-4 rooms/other therapists)
7. I do a couple hours of office work with my pooch sleeping calmly on his doggie bed
8. I greet my regular clients and do 1-2 massages…my work is known now!
9. After I’m done, the puppy and I go jogging in the park, with some friends
10. We get home, I’ve made money, the house is clean, and then Hubby gets home!
11. He’s not stressed…and if he is, it’s NOT my fault! (I really like that part, don’t you?)
12. We head over to the beach with the puppy, and picnic out of my bus and watch the sunset… awww!!
13. Hubby says he’s proud of me, I say I am too, and I feel like I’m finally grown up!

And you know what? This future is completely achievable. =) It’s NOT wishing for the impossible! This is San Diego!

I can totally do this….I just have to keep going until I do.

I was supposed to do my heavy workout today, but I’m just not feeling very well, and I chose not to push myself…especially since I drove for 5 hours, and that was exhausting in and of itself.

I’m not expecting to have lost any weight come Monday…I’m over on my calories today because of the lack of food planning. Being impromptu is not the friend of calorie counting.

I haven’t done any cardio, and my weight workouts will be behind for the week…But I’m fine.

I’m not panicked, I don’t think I’m slipping, I just think life happened this week. And I think next week can and should be amazing!

Believe it or not, I think that’s the end of my blog for today.

That’s where I am, who I am, what I want, and all of the thought themes I’ve had today.

Thanks for being here.

Jayson.

PS. Tomorrow I only have one massage scheduled for the spa…so I’ll get to spend some time with Hubby. He’s been very nice the last couple of days.

(I swear, spas charge too much…for the price that lady is paying tomorrow, she could get TWO massages from me!)

PPS. Hubby asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

I told him “Your Lover’s Oath, Your Allegiance, Your Husbandry Mission Statement, Your Declaration of Faith in Me, and Your Pride.”

That’s not too tall an order, is it?

PPPS. My birthday is April 25th in case you’re wondering. Go Taureans!

DAY 47: …the Death Star IS fully operational…

1130p

It’s going to be a very short, simple blog today…and that’s okay. Because I’m smart enough, I’m pretty enough, and Gosh darn it, not every day has to be “One Life To Live.”

So this morning I got up, and I went to the gym without eating for my light workout. I did it in 55 minutes!

I did approximately 20 reps per exercise, where I would normally do 8-12. I focused on speed, short intervals and on good enough form that I didn’t hurt myself.

It was a whole different kind of feeling from the heavy days. I was burning slow and hot the whole hour…like when I did the cardio shredding with Jillian. =) Cool.

After the gym, I took Billy to my office and he got a massage, which he really liked, and then I dropped him off at school! Yea!

Oh…here’s one fact about Best Buddy Billy that was really funny, but I wasn’t sure if I should write it in here…but last night he turned me on! Can you believe that?

He was all joking and bending over the kitchen counter (as gay men joke frequently), but when I played back, I reacted!

I stopped IMMEDATELY (he’s like my sister for God sake), but do you know what this means? I have libido again! OMG!

When you’re tremendously fat, your libido, testosterone production and everything else that’s necessary to have a normal, healthy sex life is inhibited!

Grabbing Billy’s bony hips made a electrical signal jump to my brain that sent another chemical someplace else and said “Playtime!”

I’m still in shock….but I’m happy! I guess this means that the Death Star IS fully operational after all! Watch out Alderaan! (Reference #1)

Anyway…I got home after dropping off Billy at school, and I’m a little dizzy and hungry. I gotta recoup, because I’m supposed to go out to “Top of the Park” tonight and do more networking!

I talked to my sister about tomorrow…I’m not going to be able to hang out with her when she meets RuPaul at the book signing…I got a gig in the morning doing chair massage samples! But I miss my sister.

I didn’t end up going to a Food Issue Meeting today…I gotta go, but there were no convenient times…I’ll work on it.

Anyway, I did end up going to “TOTP” tonight and I felt kind of awkward. It wasn’t as easy as last week…I’m not sure why.

I felt kind of pretentious because of my business shirt with my website on it, and I was dressed for the cold with 3 layered shirts…

I wasn’t as pretty as last week, and I had on a giant scarf.

Everyone said I was smart for having the scarf in the cold air, but I looked like some sort of Winter Ken doll, and I wasn’t as approachable…I don’t know…nothing to do but to go back next week and try again.

What would be REALLY nice is if I could get an official massage chair in there….I don’t think the hotel is going to go for it, but there’s nothing to do except to ask.

The good part about tonight was that I spent time with Dreads! He came along, offered all sorts of support and chuckles, and then I got to show him my office afterwards! He also showed me a great shop for the professional massage therapist. =)

Overall, my health has felt better today, and I’m only getting stronger. I DID stay warm enough at the event…I was always wrapped in the scarf, or under a heater…so, good!

But the best news today is that Hubby seems to have come around. =)

Although, now I find myself thinking just like he was…just waiting for him to go back to his old habits. I’m not sure I trust him to be supportive, nice or present anymore….hmm….he turns on and off like a switch.

But long story short: He’s invited me out to dinner tomorrow night, gently touching my face, smiling, leaving nice phone messages and generally acting like he actually likes me….where has he been? I missed him.

Well, that’s all the news for now. I will keep you abreast (hehehehe) of any developing developments should they develop.

Night.

Jayson!

PS. I mean, like full on head resting on his chest, as he strokes my forehead and says “How was your day, honey?”  What is going on?

Just when I’m used to him being a bastard….SCARY! Well….wish me luck.

PPS. In case you didn’t glean it from the above, today was a “Get better from being sick, take it easy, and go network tonight” kind of day.

And the cherry on the top was that Hubby is acting like a loving guy…sorry there wasn’t anything more exciting to report, but I could get used to these kind of easy days. =)

DAY 46: …he’s mourning me before I’ve even left.

1236p

I was out of it this morning. I just couldn’t get my eyes to open…..woozy!  I slept in, but I slept WELL. I can breathe finally!

I had a pretty chill morning and then I went over to the spa to train with Mr. Opportunity. Breakfast was fine, and I did some snuggles with my puppies….ahhh…I love me some puppies!

My new ad came out today….wish me luck! It has a picture! That’s gotta get people to call now….damn it!

After training with Mr. Opportunity (none of it Rocket Science, and it’s starting to sink in after a few days now.) I came home, watched “Tinkerbell: The Lost Treasure” and took a nap.

Wow. Rough day.                                   

I guess I should also mention that I was hacking, coughing, swooning and falling all over the place…I was REALLY dizzy today, although my lungs are feeling SO much better! I was medicated pretty heavily.

Before I went out for my spa training, I ended up taking:

1. My prednisone
2. A cough drop because my throat was really sore
3. Used the nettipot up my nose
4. Used the medicated nasal spray
5. Took 4 fish oil caplets
6. 2 multivitamins
7. Had a puff on my inhaler
8. And got a shot of Dayquil in me right before I left

Yeah. I felt a lot better after all of that. =) I was almost human.

I woke from my nap at 6pm, and had a good long talk with my Food Issues Group friend. I told him all of my concerns about not wanting to go to anymore meetings. In a nutshell, my arguments were:

• It seems the problem for us may not be all chemical; it’s more stunted emotional growth; we’re children.
• I’ve found my grit; I don’t procrastinate anymore.
• I’ve grown up. My problem is largely solved.
• I don’t find anyone there at my own level or higher to learn from or be inspired by.
• In fact, I feel more in danger of being dragged down.
• I don’t react to stimulus the same way anymore.
• I got through my binge with flying colors…and it felt more like a choice instead of a drive.
• I’ve improved all around, and I don’t identify with those whiny babies in those rooms anymore…

I realized how dangerous these thoughts and feelings could be for someone with food issues, like me. The group has helped me SO much….but what if I’ve outgrown it?

I don’t want to be stupid and think I have solved everything permanently…but at the same time, I feel proper credit is due to the immense accomplishments I’ve had. Hmm…

My friend seemed to understand and said that to continue growing I need to be uncomfortable, so go to the meetings, and stay humble. Learn from the principles; pray for the rest of the members I feel aren’t going to make it this time around.

Anyway, it was a good conversation.

Next I tackled the house and gave it a really good scrub down. =) Hubby appreciated it.

The night was about making one more calorie counted, healthy meal; while Hubby made a gourmet “Julia Child Cheese Soufflé” and a “Tomato Bisque” (bitch.)

I actually ended up having a couple of bites. No perfection, right? 2 bites isn’t going to damn me to hell…and I won’t be going into the trashcan for the rest of it. Sigh…those days are over. =)

Billy came over for some food, and we went to the spa and chatted.

There is still an immense sadness within my marriage, and I really hope it improves. Hubby has every reason to be optimistic and happy…but maybe he’s just tired of hoping.

It’s like instead of being optimistic, he’s only telling himself that he’s been stupid for long enough…I don’t know where he is.

I just know that he’s not in the same room with me…even when he says he’s right there. No. He’s far, far away…divorced, figuring out his next battle plan…

The more I hold him, the more alone he seems…he’s mourning me before I’ve even left.

And I’m trying to resuscitate a zombie.

Well…I gave my “I will survive” speech to Billy in the spa…he’s heard it, but it was nice to say it out loud again.

And it was nice to see Billy so completely gaga over someone…he’s still going pitter pat like mad…it’s sweet.

I’m going to write him song lyrics regarding his new situation. He wants to create something.

Speaking of which, I need to write the lyrics for my Godfather too. But the task seems so big, so insurmountable. I haven’t found the proper hook yet…the real core of it.

So far I’ve brainstormed all of his behaviors and how stable he is…but nothing that really communicate HOW that stability affected me yet…hmm…

Well, it’s 1am. I have an early morning work out (I’m gonna just go for it, and see how I do.), and I have a massage for Billy after that, and then I’ll drive him to school and then continue to recoup. Tomorrow is a “light” workout, so I won’t be eating first, just going straight to the gym!

Speaking of which, I haven’t done ANY cardio this week. I have 2 hours, total to do for the week…so three more days to get it in…if I can.

So tomorrow is about a busy morning, 2 OA meetings, and cardio. We’ll see how much of it I can get through…and I’ll be kind to myself. This week may not be the biggest weight loss week, but I will take care of myself first.

Tomorrow evening is just ” Top of the Park.” As far as I know, I’m going alone…but we’ll see how that works out. I’m going to bundle up this time, and bring double the stack of cards I did last time.

Why not? Go for it, Baby!

Night.

And thanks for spending some time with me.

Jayson.

PS. I heard Hubby coughing downstairs…uh oh….I guess it’s his turn to be sick now. =(

DAY: 45 …my “Fat Boy” disease.

626p (Typed next day based on my notes)

I slept in this morning…ahh….a little too much though. It was hard waking up!

And the moment I woke up, it was onto stressing out over my brand new Massage Ad!

Technically it was all supposed to be done yesterday, and my account manager had no trouble reminding me of that! Eek!

I need to eat first thing this morning, absorb my food for about 90 minutes, and then go to the gym.

In  my conversation with Mr. Trainer we’re going to try eating 90 minutes before my heavy workout, and NOT eating before my lighter workouts.

It’s Bill Phillips “Body for Life” philosophy vs. Jillian Michaels, Goddess of all things Sweaty and Sexy philosophy….God I love her.

My nose seems a little clearer this morning, but I’m really dizzy, and my ears are still clogged like mad…oh, and I’m wheezing really bad too. I used to have Asthma, and I guess sickness makes it pop up time to time.

I always think of ashthma as my “Fat Boy” disease. Fun.

So I’ve been taking  a puff on my inhaler about every half hour…I’m having trouble keeping my airways open. I feel liquid in my lungs, like I’m drowning.

Oh! Leo is so cute! When I’m in the office in the morning, he’ll scratch at the door, and I’ll let him out on the deck…he runs back and forth in the patch of sun, and then FLOP! Yup, he’s out there sunbathing, stretched out…aww…

I finished watching Temple Grandin, that really is the best movie ever…PLEASE watch it if you haven’t yet. It’s on HBO this month. I got some food, and I’m gonna do my workout at 2pm.

I just popped more drugs, and I’m bringing  along tissue. Wee!

Oh! My Ad was just sent to me all redone and BEAUTIFUL! We’re going to make the deadline after all! But now my account manager at the newspaper is annoyed at me.

I’m going to offer to bring in my chair and do some massage next week. They’re all very stressed, and will probably appreciate it!

Last night Hubby tells me again that he’s just not sure we’re right for each other. I wrote about it yesterday, so feel free to read it…but it’s got me a little sad…I don’t want to lose him. Well, I’ll take out all my emotions in my workout.

4p

Well, I’m back, and I died during the workout. I got dizzy, nauseous, dizzy and the workout was SO slow and laborious. I finished all but two exercises on the New workout…I stopped at the hour point.

Today was a heavy day, so I did less reps with MUCH heavier weights. Workout #2 is very similar to Workout #1…but it’s still a bit harder.

But for all of that, I just kept breathing, took my time getting from exercise to exercise, and I worked VERy hard. I’m proud of myself. =)

I met Kyle and Andrew, muscle bros who work out there regularly….it was kind of scary when they each walked over to me and introduced themselves.

Apparently, they were very impressed with me. That felt good! They said they see me there all the time, and they asked what supplements I’m taking to get such quick results!

They seemed pretty disappointed when I told them that my weight loss was just diet and exercise…maybe they were looking for a magic pill….but can you imagine?

Two “stereotypical straight guys” with muscles a-bulging came over to ME, with my balletic mat-work form and my Mickey Mouse fanny pack, and said they admired MY work out! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Anyway,  I’m feeling a lot better in my general body, if only I could get this sickness out of my head. It’s like having a big heavy cloak over my face, but everything else is generally fine…except for my lungs, but even those feel a little better after my workout

Now that I’m home again it’s time for an Epsom salt bath and to eat my protein!

Oh, and I finally watched “The Boy in the Striped Pajamas”…that’s a real “pick me up.” Sigh…it always takes a while to get myself in the mood for another Holocaust film…but it was good.

During my bath I had a bad streak of hardly being able to breathe. The phlegm is just getting worse, so I’m on my way to an urgent care. Maybe they can do something for me there.

(Author Note:)

(I was in Urgent care with Hubby until 11p. I called him from the bathtub and he came home from work to get me. I received a breathing treatment, Prednisone (a steroid to open my lungs up), a new inhaler, and was told to also get Afrin nasal spray. Woo! I am breathing SO much better. =) But I was in no condition to write…sorry! So I slept! It was nice to actually be able to sleep and breathe at the same time.)

 J.

DAY 44: Oohh…that hurt…

358p

I couldn’t sleep very well last night…I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t breathe, I was snot filled all night, there is a rattling constricted thing going on with every wheezing, labored breath I take….I swear to God, I’m right out of some death scene in a movie!

I’m all for a good death scene, I mean, I got one coming up at some point…but I’d rather not do it right now if it’s all the same to you.

First thing I did when I got up this morning was to pat myself on the back  for working out really hard yesterday and for swimming last night!

Oh! I almost forgot! Mr. Trainer complimented me TWICE about how hard I worked too! He’s seen the attitude shift! I told him, “I’ve learned GRIT, if nothing else!”

I don’t think that the cold outdoor night swimming hurt me that much last night…I mean, once I was in the water I felt REALLY warm…that water WAS warm compared to the air!

And I’m sure that the circulation that exercising created in my body was beneficial to me.

Plus, swimming is really relaxing to the entire body, so I probably slept better than I would have, had I not.

So after saying “Good job, Jayson”, I wrote the blog for yesterday. I just wasn’t feeling up to it last night, and I needed to go to bed.

And between 10a and now (6 hrs.), it’s all been about my Business:

Promotionally, I have:

1. Created a Mock Up of my ad for the graphic designer
2. Created detailed instructions for the graphic designer to create my ad (I have to go through a middle man at the magazine)
3. Created two versions of the new picture, cropped and uncropped
4. Attached two different past ads for reference
5. Attached my logo
6. Wrote and emailed my account manager new text for an additional ad in the back of the newspaper
7. Wrote and emailed the spa my new custom written bio for their website, along with my photo
8. Called my account manager and asked for an extension of my payment this week
9. Conducted a blast email poll to decide between the two new headshots
10. Scheduled future marketing opportunities on upcoming Saturdays
11. Answered the phone and dealt with a sleazy guy asking for “Gentlemen massages” from a female therapist
12. Scheduled another massage for Mr. Trainer’s wife
13. Updated Logs: Mileage, Money Spent, Money Earned & Client Birthdays
14. Emailed the signage company regarding adding my logo to the A-frame outside my office
15. Updated and saved new spa information that I need to know to work there
16. Scheduled additional training for the spa, to learn some more specifics

Chore wise, I have:

1. Dropped off a check to Billy for my Costco groceries
2. Checked my bank accounts, made financial decisions
3. Brushed the dogs & cats
4. Picked up the dog stuff on the deck
5. Emailed my trainer the new workout, for his review

At this point, I think it’s okay to be tired. I have been really productive today.

And while I’m at it, I think it’s okay to lay in bed the rest of the day and get some rest…I need to get better. I may practically be able to still move and think, but I’m pretty slow right now.

I’ve done a lot of work, and my job is to get well. If I rest today, I can do an hour of cardio tomorrow along with my Heavy day of weights. It’ll probably feel GOOD by tomorrow to move around like that.

For now, I’d like to work on some song lyrics for my Godfather’s Birthday (I’m writing a song for him, with Billy).

Or perhaps I’ll watch a movie, or just lie down, relax and TRY to keep all the contents of my nose OUT of my mouth….

ACHOO!

Oohh…that hurt…

757p

Yo. Well, I watched some of “Temple Grandin” again…what an awesome movie. I really like how she says “Different, not less.”

I always feel “Different” and I always used to feel “less.” Now I know there is a difference.

The end of my nose is red and raw and I still sound like I’m trying to breathe through a snorkel that’s way too small…

I have done 2 more revisions, another poll, and weathered at least 4-5 really critical responses to my possible ad. You gotta have a tough skin to be a business owner and to put your picture out there.

CRITICISMS:

• My eyebrows are too thick
• My eyebrows are freakishly dark
• My eyebrows are terrible
• The picture is too much of a close up, and so it doesn’t show how handsome my face is….(oxymoron??)
• The graphics and pictures in the ad are nice, but too busy. Move some stuff around.
• I use way too many “!” and it looks unprofessional. (Happy is unprofessional? Enthusiastic is unprofessional? Hmm….)

REBUTTALS/ACCEPTANCE:

• Yes, my makeup was heavy
• Yes, the makeup HAD to be heavy for the Black and White shoot and the amount of light that was on me
• Yes, my eyebrows do look rather manicured and perfectly strong: However, at actual ad size, they look well defined, not freakish like they do at full size.
• I think the close up is what is needed to look into my eyes and say “I trust that guy to give me a massage.”
• The graphics were too busy, and it’s getting fixed as we speak.
• If people don’t like the amount of “!’s” that I use, who needs ‘em? I am obnoxiously hyper, happy. It’s me. If clients don’t like the “!’s”, they won’t like me anyway!

Well, I guess that’s it. Hubby got home, I went downstairs and asked him if he was going to be nice and supportive, sympathetic and compassionate…because when I called him a little while ago he answered the phone by saying “What?!”

I didn’t know how to respond to that…so I just said “Sorry for bothering you,” and hung up.

So I, in my sick state, threw a pity party and cussed at him. Great.

But frankly, if I didn’t have his support before, I wasn’t going to get it now, so screw him.

I’ll take care of my own damn self…even if I’m sick.

Is it the infection talking, or am I just tired of Hubby acting like a selfish F#&$*r everytime he feels like it, and not putting me first when I really need him?

Eh, probably both.

It just got to me, because he was sick a couple of weeks ago, and I took his temperature every 2 hours, and fed him pills, and made him breakfast, and fetched his water….

HE comes home today and it’s MY turn to be sick: He doesn’t even say hello, and when I say “I really need you to be nice and compassionate…you hurt my feelings when you answered the phone all rough earlier…he turns mute and ignores me.

Ignores me! I can handle anything but to be ignored! Tell me you love me, hate me, get out, come here, not now, be right with you, give me a second….but to ignore me? F*#$ YOU!

Pardon my French. I REALLY don’t like cussing…it’s SO who I USED to be….and when I have these moments, I can still go back there…

My Mom used to do that…you’d know she’s angry because she’d cuss up a storm….but I don’t want to be like that!

However, I’m SO not putting up with any BS from Hubby tonight. Help me, or stay out of my way…

Well, there I am. Completly imperfect, petty, insecure and still sick as a dog. But I’m trying.

Night.

Jayson!

1241a

I hate to add this late note…but things are a little sad for me.

Hubby’s attitude problem is not new, nor is the source of it.

Hubby seems to feel that no matter how much I improve, the other shoe is eventually going to drop…and he’s counting the minutes and hours until it does.

He’s just waiting for me to mess up…he doesn’t believe in me. It’s as simple as that.

We’ve talked about this before, and here it is again. What can I do when I’m married to someone who doesn’t have any faith in me?

I know he’s been through my addiction cycles before, I know that he’s felt abused, neglected, smothered and then abandoned….but not for the last 8 weeks.

I’m on Week 8! This isn’t some “Baby, I promise I’m GONNA change, you’ll see!”

This is a “I’m am changing exponentially! Why can’t you see that and be happy with me?”

In the past he’s said he’s very supportive, we’ve discussed triathlons, and healthy living, and he’s given me cooking lessons…things were positive…

But now, just as I’m finally growing up and throwing off the yoke of childish behavior and low self expectations…this is where he thinks about throwing the towel in?

I just don’t understand. If you’ve been through all the bad, don’t you want to experience the good?

What did you hang onto through all the bad, if not the hope that things will get better, and that growth will happen? Isn’t that what he wanted? For me to grow up?

Well, it’s no mystery what I said to him. I said:

 ”I’m worth hanging onto! Feel what you need to feel, but use your Grit! I am learning how to be gritty with financial stuff, and practical follow through…use yours to Believe in your marriage!”

The rest is up to him. I’m just going to keep on doing what I’m doing, growing, improving, networking, working hard, and NEVER giving up on myself again.

Because you know what? I’m the only one who can choose to believe in me all the time. And I’m the only one who can save me.

Night.

J.

DAY 43: …sneezy, coughy, yucky…

  

WEIGHT: 233 (-5 lbs., -32  lbs.Total)

WAIST: 35” (-.5”, -6” Total)

FAT %: 29% (-1%, -4% Total)

=========================================================

(Written next day based on my notes)

10a

Dog shit.

That’s how my morning started.

Dog shit.

A hysterical Hubby tapped me awake after only 6 hours of sleep…and  frantically told me that the dogs had pooped everywhere.

He wasn’t kidding. It was a LOT of dog shit.

Great.

So I vacuumed and scooped, he steam cleaned, and the moment I could, I fell back into bed  for another hour…I need my sleep because this morning is my new training session with Mr. Trainer.

And before I knew it, there I was: With Mr. Trainer. I brought along my food journal, progress chart and workout for his review. He was VERY impressed with my 5 lb. weight loss this last week.

I am happy with the weight loss too…it could have been more, it also could have EASILY been less….so, yea! But for HIM to be impressed with it…that changes my perspective.

Mr. Trainer explained to me that the 5 lbs. was of pure fat. Based on how I’m exercising, and looking at what I’m eating he was like, “Yup. That’s REAL weight loss! Good job Jayson!”

Mr. Trainer ran me through an hour tune up, and gave me a bunch of different exercises to do…I didn’t write them down, he didn’t want me to, he was just getting to know my body again. I really pushed, and he was impressed with my attitude (if not my aptitude.)

He WAS impressed with my “perma-hover” sit up that I talked about yesterday though…=)

Mr. Trainers final recommendations:

• Continue on to the second workout he gave me
• Cut it down to only 4 days
• Do 2 days where I exaggerate the workout “light” with a lot of reps
• Do 2 days where I exaggerate the workout “heavy” with only 4-6 reps

That’s gonna be killer, but it’ll be fun to shake my body up a bit!

Also, before I left his gym, I met the new manager of the building, and made marketing plans to come back on Saturday for a breakfast event the building is having! I didn’t know that my office was SO close to the building! Wow! I’ll be milking THAT opportunity!

I had a regular client come into my new office for the first time, for her massage, and she loved it! I LOVE my regular clients…it’s really like a friendship, except without the messy expectations. Anyway….Mwah! Money and camaraderie!

After the appointment I sat down and wrote up the blog from yesterday, and then swung by the spa to pick up my very own key, so I’m never locked out again.

The key is BRIGHT teal with palm trees and an orange sunset on it!

Mr. Opportunity said he picked out the colorful key to match my energy, and he thought I’d like it! =) Awwww……that made my day!

Even though I was coughing and hacking and all phlegm-ified during my workout with Mr. Trainer, he said I should still come swim tonight with his triathlon  group….ooookkkaaayyyy….

I’m back up to 1600 calories! No more 1400 a day because of some binge! Food is good right now. I feel great about it.

And as the day progressed, I really got more sneezy, coughy, yucky….I’m wheezing with every single breath….ick! How am I going to go to “Top of the Park” again on Friday?

I’m going to HAVE to wear a coat, hat, gloves, etc….how will people see my shirt? I guess I’ll just have to be doubly outgoing since I don’t have a shirt to make me look official or to help advertise me. =(

Hey Dreads, wanna come along?

But in the good column, I whipped out a photo shoot in my bathroom today, and now I have a new headshot for my GLT ad! I actually have two to choose from (out of over 300!)

My poor little bathroom was SO crowded with crap everywhere!

• Butcher paper taped up to the shower curtain for my back drop
• 4 different lamps from upstairs, the living room and the bedroom all with covers off, bent over chairs, tied to robe hooks and otherwise positioned so that they were leaning down only 2 feet from where my face would be
• Hubby’s music stand where I’d set the camera with the automatic timer piled between all the lights
• Powder spilled all over the counter with the rest of my make up supplies…because of this shot being in black and white, and because of all the heavy lighting, I had on a TON of makeup! I looked like a clown…until I saw the actual pictures, and then I looked normal.

It took me an hour and a half to set up the room, another hour of shooting, and then Billy called, and I had him come up and take some more shots.

But it was worth it, because I got two shots that work! That’s the important thing! It was all worth it to have relatively good quality shots without paying someone $2-300 bucks!

Here are the two I need to choose from (they’ll be cropped, of course):

  

The moment the photo shoot was over, I RACED to the Triathlon swim training. And it was COLD! The first thing I did was to get into the bathroom, out of the night air, and scrub my face…I still had on all of my clown makeup. The next thing I did was to hack up a lung which caused the other swimmers alarm.

“Are you sure you should be swimming?” was the gist of their comments.

But the water was WARM (compared to the air)…it was practically hot actually! And it was an Olympic sized pool! Wow! That thing is big!

A coach gave me some drills to work on, which I generally hated, they were hard! He told me I swim flat, and I’m not twisting like I should be….why twist if you don’t have to? Seems silly to me, but he’s the coach. Hmm….

But overall, I had a really good workout, and I was the last one out of the pool. Mr. Trainer said I looked pretty good too.

Oh….but it had been so long since I’d gone swimming, my Speedo had two problems that I didn’t realize:

• The string to tie it was missing!        
• It’s too big! It’s falling off of me! =)

So, I grabbed one hip, and tied it up in a little ball, like when girls tie their shirts up and look really slutty….as if Speedos weren’t all ready gay enough!

I got home, and proceeded to die the rest of the night. (Oh, and clean up the bathroom before Hubby had a coronary.)

The entire night, all through my sleep and even this moment as I’m typing at 10a the next morning, every single breath has a push and a wheeze in it…it’s like I’m only getting sicker. I’m thoroughly clogged, and dizzy and just all over bad.

Well, time to whip out the heavier meds I guess. I gotta get over this ickiness.

Thanks for stopping by!

Jayson!

DAY 42: …but if you ain’t got no polish…

123p (written next day based on notes from 1230a)

I was hoping to write a quick blog last night, but I thought that I should wait and write a quality blog today instead. I prefer to write my blogs fresh at the end of the day, or better yet, throughout the day…but sometimes things don’t work out that way.

So, yesterday:

I woke up feeling very tired…I had an early morning massage to get to, and I didn’t want to be late. It’s my first shift at the overpriced (but nice) spa I work at on Sundays.

And it was the same theme this morning as it was yesterday….my first massage was a bust! =(

Except this time, the client DID show up….in fact BOTH of us were standing outside the locked doors to the spa, in the rain, miserable, for at least 30 minutes.

For whatever reason, the receptionist thought (or rather, didn’t do anything thinking) that I had my own key and that I knew how to open shop, etc. She was wrong.

It was MORTIFYING! I was SO embarrassed, standing out there chatting….locked out on my first day, with my FIRST client! I didn’t even have any gel in my hair!

Anyway…I went home, and came back for my next massages, and it worked out better from then on because the receptionist was there (flustered), and I booked an extra massage last minute.

I’m glad I booked one more massage, because that was the worst part of being locked out…I didn’t make any money! Although I’m thinking about charging for my wasted time anyway…

Did I mention that I don’t much care for the receptionist? She has no polish. She’s not put together, has nothing ethereal about her (and that’s what this spa is going for), she doesn’t smile, has very little customer service skills, just blah!

No sparkle, ya know?

I can forgive a mistake, I can overlook an “off day”, I will even get over the occasional sparkly top or banana clip accessory….but if you ain’t got no polish…..giirrrllll!

I worked a full day of massages (they went well, this will be a fine gig for a little while), and I was hungry. So I ate!

(To the tune of “Happy Birthday” ahem, ahem….)

“Salmon burgers are good, Salmon burgers are good! I LOVE my salmon, and salmon loooovvesss Meee!”

I went over my calories for the day by about 30 calories. I didn’t stress about it. I was AWARE of it, oh yes…but I let it slide.

I made a math mistake with the calories and it went a little over…oops.

But only 30 calories over for the entire week? Especially considering that I started last Monday off by eating 3200 calories during a pity party binge?

Yeah, I can live with only 30 calories over for the week!

Hubby is horny. I’m not. Hmm…yeah, I think I’m a girl. Actually it’s weird, because it seems that since I’ve started working out, I’m just not in the mood anymore.

I mean, I can talk myself into it, I have the occasional thought, as if I’m remembering something I used to enjoy…and biomechanically I’m fine…but the initial drive isn’t there.

Plus, Hubby hasn’t been particularly romantic lately. I need romance darnit! I need emotional effort, vulnerability and just a hint of desperation…come on ladies…anyone with me on this one?

I want him to want ME…I want him to be swept away in my magnificence….is that so much to ask? Get swept, baby…get swept.

We ended our night seeing “Alice in Wonderland,” and it was REALLY good. It was thoroughly interesting, the story was REALLY good, and I cared about Alice and the rest of the characters.

Tim Burton falls into the trap quite often where the it’s visually stunning and weird, but it has no heart. See “Coraline” and “Willy Wonka” if you have any doubts about what I’m saying. And “Alice” has that problem built into it…she’s just not interesting, she doesn’t grow, learn, strive, or want anything…

But “Alice in Wonderland” was SO well done, AND visually stunning. It was the perfect blend of both style AND substance. And my fears about Johnny Depp running off with the entire movie were for naught. He actually UNDERPLAYS quite a lot, and it his performance was so haunting…

One more note about “Alice”…I couldn’t afford to go. I wanted to go, I was excited to go, Hubby didn’t even want to go…and then after deciding I couldn’t go, Hubby stepped in and took me. =)

Okay….Hubby definitely has his moments. =)

So, tomorrow morning is my weigh in! Ahh!!

I hope the results show up on the scale…I’ve REALLY worked hard this week!

Also, starting Monday, I will start calling my Food Group friend tomorrow. I didn’t call all last week because I didn’t want to deal with the fact that I wasn’t going to any meetings….is it time to make a decision? Am I a part of the group anymore or not?

Overall it hasn’t been a bad day…I just wish that money was more instant. I owe the GLT money on Tuesday for my ad, and it will be a close squeeze.

I have money coming to me, both from the spa and from sessions…but banks take FOREVER to give it to me.

And another shout out to Hubby who was really nice last night…and on the way home from the movie he listened to me, and I just talked and talked and talked and talked….about calories and weigh ins, and my new workout from Mr. Trainer tomorrow, and about money and how nervous I am, and about networking, and how things are starting to move and about Everything!

And he listened to the whole thing…and even gave me some eye contact. =) Thanks Hubby!

And one more shout out to “Dreads”, who is always so supportive and writes funny comments on my blogs. It’s nice to know I’m not just boring everyone to death. =)

Thanks Dreads! You’re awesome! Now get to writing another blog yourself…surely you have SOMETHING to be loud about?

Night!

Jayson!

DAY 41: I did my eyebrows and everything!

O-Kaaaayy……this morning SUCKED. I’m Tired!

Because of Rich’s, I got to bed at 2a and woke up at 730a. That’s only 5.5 hrs… NOT enough.

My first appointment was at 9am, so I got to the office early today…and he was a NO SHOW! Can you believe that?

I did my eyebrows and everything!

However, I did not lose the lesson in the moment. Even though I was embarrassed in front of Jim (if you don’t know who Jim is, you’ve got some catching up to do), he asked me about my Cancellation Policy!

What cancellation policy? I don’t have one….until an hour later when my next client walked in and signed my newly written cancellation policy!

See Jayson? You’re learning!

My 2nd appointment was from Top of the Park, and he is a very nice guy. He seemed to LOVE his massage, and he’s coming back in 2 weeks….gotta keep my clients, gotta keep my clients, gotta keep my clients….

I had some clerical trouble with printing and processing his credit card and all, but I finally worked my way through it all.

I still have a workout coming up later in the day…my last workout of Level One. Mr. Trainer is going to “rock my world” with all new stuff on Monday! Ahh! I’m scared!

I look at the crazy things some of these guys do to themselves in the gym…rolling pushups on giant barbells…Serpentine pushup sequences….Scary stuff!

I think I said it in the last blog, but I am SO excited for Monday’s “Weigh In!” I know I started out the week a little rough by pouting over my small weight loss and overeating, but I’ve taken responsibility, corrected my mistake, and worked REALLY hard!

And I can feel my body changing really fast! Woo hoo! Dare I hope for a decent number this week?

As for the jog, I went over to Balboa Park and ran the new trail again! It was a very scenic hour of sweating, and just when I thought I saw all of trail #5, I discovered an entirely new branch that goes off into the distance…I’ll be exploring that this coming week, I’m sure!

My right knee though….not happy with me. Hmm…

I originally wrote in my notes today that I was going to take a nap…somehow that never ended up happening. =(

But I did get my grocery shopping done! Billy took me to Costco, and I have enough vegetables to feed a neighborhood for at least a month.

I can NOT believe how much fruit and veggies I eat in a week! Everyone was looking at my cart and what I was buying, and then looking back at me…it was weird today.

Without making eye contact, I saw people doing a lot of head nodding as they sized me up in Costco. They obviously thought “Oh, he seems in shape…yup, he’s buying broccoli.” LOL

After 40 minutes of chopping my veggies and storing stuff, I had to stop and go to the gym. I have more chopping to do tomorrow, but it’s enough for one day.

My groceries completely dominate the bulk of the fridge…Hubby is not happy about that, per se, but he’s being very nice about it…thank you Hubby!

I threw some cottage cheese and blueberries in a bowl and went to work out!

The Gym: Awesome! 44 minutes of pure Hell, but I had that fire in my pants again. As Hubby says, “Oh, you’re one of THOSE guys, huh?”

Yup, I’m one of “those guys.”

Today I couldn’t help it…I counted out loud, yelled, grunted, and otherwise was a loud, obnoxious, dramatic freak!

But I DID it!

I did a REALLY good workout, and that’s what counts! It’s not easy to do the workout at night…most of my energy is all ready gone, and I didn’t even start out with any energy today!

Oh, and the V crunches (double pikes) were burning and sore…but I NEVER reached my max out! During the final reps I just held that airborne position for maybe 30 seconds…while staring amazed at my own body, mouth agape!

I kept waiting to cramp up, to max out, to collapse back to the ground, but my abs weren’t having any of it! They were like, “Godamn it! Fine! You insist on doing this move, then HERE! DO IT THEN!” eheheh….it was AWESOME!

The rest of the night was nice and relaxing. Just had dinner with Hubby and then came home to blog. And here’s the cool thing: I had dinner at Red Lobster!

Hubby wanted to have dinner “someplace nice”…as he says when he’s feeling neglected. And I expressed concerns about only having 297 calories left to eat, as well as not being able to eat smart in restaurants…afterall, I haven’t BEEN to a restaurant in nearly 6 weeks!

While showering, I was planning on doing all this work online just so I could figure out what I was going to eat…and when I came out Hubby had all ready solved it.

There’s this .99 cent iPhone app with all the calories for over 70 restaurants! Wow! Hubby totally just jumped in and helped solve a problem without being asked! Yea!!! Way to go Hubby!

It wasn’t the smoothest dinner planning ever, but it all worked out. I have to remember this was my first time using this application, and I’ll get faster in the future.

And with advanced notice, I’ll be able to preplan meals out and actually eat with Hubby once in a while!

My Dinner:

• A small green salad (with lemon sprayed on top as my dressing…thanks for the suggesion, Waitress person)
• A double portion of broccoli with Lemon and Old Bay seasoning…(Jayson has a new “flavor of the month!”)
• And the flakiest, hottest, most delightfully lightly grilled Salmon steak I’ve ever had! I nearly died.

Of course, eating out is also MUCH more expensive…$16 for 400 calories? That’s 4 cents a calorie! Wow!

If I phrase it like that to Hubby, I’m sure we’ll never eat at a restaurant again!

I did go over todays calorie goal by about 100 calories, but it’s coming out of tomorrow’s calorie budget.

Oh, and tomorrow is my first day at the Spa, where people pay WAY more than I charge, for a shorter amount of time with me….whatever. It’ll be good to have a guaranteed busy day once a week for the next 12 months!

And besides the massages, I don’t have anything else planned. It’s my day OFF from all fitness! (So I don’t need as many calories anyway)

Well, that’s it ya’ll. I love you and thank you profoundly for your support/half-hearted amusement, or any other attention you feel like throwing my direction.

I know I talk about a lot of random, personal, gay stuff….but that’s my life. And the ONLY way for me to not slide face first into a bathtub full of “Fudge Rounds” is to “talk out” everything!

I didn’t used to overeat because I was dum, I overate because I was lonely and felt that no one heard me.

I had no voice, and no hope that people would listen if I did speak…and I’ve finally outgrown that, and I’m growing up. =)

 Thank you again. =)

Mwah!

Jayson!

DAY 40: …a Massive Success!

(Written next day based on notes)

I woke up. Woo hoo! I’m not dead!

But I AM hungry! OMG I’m hungry, like seriously…oh well…gym comes first.

Did I all ready argue with myself about this? I’ll recap if I haven’t all ready mentioned it:

• Jillian Michaels says eat some protein and slow burning stuff first so you have energy for the workout.
• Bill Phillips of “Body for Life” says workout on an empty stomach and then wait an hour after for fat loss.
• I’m going with Bill, because I’m going for fat loss…but I wonder about Jillian’s approach.

Any words of wisdom? Dad?

So I got the dogs fed, and headed off to the gym.

My workout was a lot slower today: 51 minutes….I added 10 minutes to my best time. My workout felt like I was stronger, and I had recovered from my day off yesterday…but I also felt heavier, and groggier.

Hmm…I wasn’t in as much pain, I had the strength to move….but the fire just wasn’t in my pants today.

But I did it. And that’s what matters. I also felt VERY calm and wonderful afterwards. And the shower is very helpful for putting me in a good mood…I feel all clean, sexy and pretty! =)

I got back to the house for a breakfast of brown rice with sautéed onions and carrots, and 8 ounces of egg whites! Woo hoo!

Onions and carrots were all that I had left and I used the rest of them up on this breakfast…I need to go shopping.

The middle of my afternoon was about training to do the clerical stuff at the new spa. My first actual massages will be on Sunday. Today made me glad I was out of retail. I remember pushing F2, and finding forms, and creating invoices and stuff….ick.

I felt kind of resentful because I’m an independent contractor…I didn’t get paid for today. And not only did I train on how to use the equipment, but then the receptionist left for her break, and I covered her….UNPAID. I was not thrilled about that feeling….reasonable or not.

But then Mr. Opportunity (My boss’s new nickname) showed up and asked me how I was doing. He  is very masculine and beautiful….I kind of just got flustered. Oh dear.

I had a question about a screen that I was on, and as I was facing him talking, he moved the mouse and solved the problem.

I said “Oh, what did you do?” and he said, “You weren’t paying attention?”, and I said “I was paying attention, just not to the screen.”  

I was looking right at him, 4 inches from his face… behind this cramped little desk…you could hear a pin drop.

With a slight smile, but without looking at me he says, “I’ll show you again.” And so we moved on…but it was a nice moment while it lasted. =P

Hubby called and wants to go to a club tonight after I go to “Top of the Park,” to network. I guess I can go out to a club, people like looking at me now.

Speaking of which: Top of the Park was a massive success! At least for me.

Best Buddy Billy disappeared into a corner, and texted a lot on his phone…he was completely bored and felt out of place.

He said he wasn’t mad at me or anything because he knew I was going to network, but he wants to bring a friend he can hang out with next time.

Top of the Park is insane. It’s six million, generally older, gay men crowded onto a top floor ballroom/lighted deck, on the top of the Park Manor hotel across from Balboa Park. It’s just a few blocks from my office, and they are the PERFECT demographic for my business!

I did 3 of the most active, exhausting hours of networking I’ve ever done! I handed out at least 50 cards, and booked an appointment for tomorrow morning! Crazy!

All of the guys had a blast meeting me, and I liked meeting them! I like being so outgoing lately, it’s just like when I was in High School!

And this event was just like the board party night, where I was half social, and half business….well, maybe a little more business, but they didn’t care because that meant that I got to point out knots and give out samples!

Everyone loves a good massage!

I’ll definitely be doing this every Friday, it was insanely productive!

I got LOTS of suggestions from one nice lady, met a guy who is looking for an in-house massage service for his hotel, and I interacted with a Gay Flag Football team who wants me on the sidelines during game days!

The Flag Football team is both GOOD and BAD:

• The good part is potential new clients who are huge, muscled, and always sore. I specialize in beating up big guys!
• The good part is there are a TON of these guys, so I’ll have a better chance booking SOMEONE…I’ll take it one step at a time, and see how it works.
• The bad part is that if they’re anything like the wrestling team, they’ll be appointment shy, but love the freebies.
• The bad part is I was severely GROPED…several times by several of the members….NOT cool.

Although being groped wasn’t as bad as the woman who said she’d come see me for a massage if she could masturbate with her vibrator simultaneously….eewww!!! Girls at these gay events can be just as bad as the men!

On my way to this event, I kept wondering how I’d get into any conversations…I wondered what my “in” was…but it turned out I didn’t need to worry. Everyone here is SO nice!

And I found my way “into” the conversations…my smile! Everyone loved it! Yea! I’d just stick out my hand and say “I’m Jayson! What do you do for a living?”

Of course, after they were done telling me what they do for a living, they ask me what I do…and then I tell them…and I tell them how close my office is!

That strategy worked rather nicely. Did I mention I handed out a heavy STACK of cards? Wow. I’ve never handed out that many before…probably not even at my booths.

I felt a little “man-whorish” wearing my business shirt with my logo all over it…and I did get a few unwelcomed bitchy looks, but whatever. I achieved what I came to do!

And I booked a full on massage for the following morning! It was all about the samples I gave out. I told you, if I can get my hands on someone, I win!

And I didn’t even need a massage chair for the samples…any chair will work…and I did end up doing about 5 or 6 guys. It captured the entire rooms attention. =)

Look, this is what I need to do…I need to get out there, and practice shameless self-promotion and get known as THE Massage Guy! My looks stop ‘em cold, so great! Once they’re stopped, give them a business card and my elevator pitch!

Whatever it takes!  I’ve got overhead baby….I gotta make it!

Tomorrow is about groceries, and hour of cardio (todays schedule was too tight to do my 30 minutes), and those 2 massages in the morning!

By the way, if I ever want to go out to Rich’s dance club again, will someone PLEASE stop me?

I was all ready tired after T.O.P., but I went anyway, and fell asleep on a bench, resenting Hubby dancing and everyone around me drinking and carrying on like it was a fun place….

Yeah, I’m kind of a stick in the mud. Although I DID hand out about 10 more cards, and really got chummy with this woman who thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread! I’ll think the same of her if she gets a massage from me!

I really rolled well with my food today: I had a big breakfast, a couple snacks throughout the day, and then a decent size dinner. My carrots were finished right around 1030p, right before I went out to Rich’s! Can you believe that?

It seems the less food I have, the longer I can stretch it out! For only 1240 calories today, it lasted ALL day! That’s also because I used a low calorie protein: egg whites!

I REALLY want my hard work to show up on the scale on Monday! These past two days have been great, I can really feel my whole midsection and sides shrinking dramatically! Well….have a good one ya’ll.

Sorry today’s entry was so dry…is it any wonder I had to type it up the next day though? I just went from one thing to the other, and got to bed around 2p. Sucks! I have to get up really early in the morning…

Mwah!
Jayson!

DAY 39: …I need to get a tazer or something. =)

1225p

I woke up this morning feeling extremely rested at 1030a. I know it’s a later morning than I’d like to have, but I’m not going to shortchange my sleep…there was a show just yesterday on Dr. Oz about the importance of sleep for weight loss and health.

In any case, I also felt a tremendous sense of RELIEF, because I realized I did NOT have to go to the gym! I only have to do my cardio today! Albeit I have to do an hour, instead of 30 minutes…but that’s okay by me. =)

This one day off and the sense of rest and pleasure I get from not having to push every single second is great! I’m at my massage office because Mr. Trainer is coming in for a massage, and after we’re done I’m going to go jogging in the park!

I haven’t decided if I’ll jog for 30 or 60 minutes yet…I can either get the whole thing done now, or split it up into two sessions. If I can handle the hour, I think I’ll go for it. Earlier is usually better. =)

And I’m thrilled that Mr. Trainer is coming in today. He’s such a great guy, and his energy is just the kind of light, happy, positive energy that I need. He seems like the most balanced, happy individual I’ve ever met…probably all those endorphins!

“Exercise releases endorphins, and happy people just don’t kill people!” (Name the Reference #1)

And I’m still glowing from last nights success, and looking forward to networking even more next month, with a bigger presence! I told you that I’m going to bring my massage table to the massive event and do free samples all night, right? A room full of a captive audience…just what I need to jumpstart my business!

So, Mr. Trainer is here, and I gots to go! I’ll write more later! =)

140p

Well, that was a wonderful massage session! I love when I can really help someone. Now I’m gonna reset my room, and get over to the park for my jogging!

I’ve scheduled a check-in with Mr. Trainer on Monday…he says he has a whole new load of stuff to throw at me. Scary!

I kind of just wanted to stick to the routines I’m used to for a couple of months…but he’s not having any of it. He says that I can hit my goals faster now because I’m a lot more serious than I used to be, I know about intensity now, and my form and function have matured.

How do you argue with someone when they’re saying “I believe in you more than you do, and you can do it!” ??? That’s awfully sneaky of him! =P

After I go jogging, which is ME time, I’ll have to start picking away at my massive “To Do” list. So, by the time I next write, I should be feeling rather accomplished, but tired from all the work

There’s just one more thing I want to say in this segment: I’m really proud of myself for taking care of business, and for being back committed to myself and my health.

Even this blog is being written in stages today, because I’m committed to grab a few minutes here, and a few minutes there to get it done throughout the day.

I realize that I don’t always feel like reviewing, processing and writing about my day every single night…so this is a better strategy sometimes. =)

And the benefit of writing in small chunks is, I get to see my progress in perspective, and process things AS they happen, instead of hold onto garbage all day and then explode. =)

Until the next chapter! =)

5p

I had the most magnificent jog ever! I went down to Juniper street and followed it into the park, but I wasn’t sure where the trails were…Mr. Trainer had said they started at Juniper. Just then, I saw a park ranger in a pick up truck, so I jog over to him and ask him where the trails are.

He pointed me in the right direction, down this steep stair bank, and onto trail number 5: What a magnificent trail!

I’ve not seen national Geographic rainforest pictures that had as much beauty as the grass covered hills and streams I ran through…with flower exploding everywhere! It was a very long trail, and gorgeous, and very, very private!

He said it was a safe trail, but I don’t know…if I were to get mugged out in the middle of nowhere, nobody around could hear me…I need to get a tazer or something. =)

Anyway….I did the entire hour, and I feel amazing now. I got my eyebrows done on the way home, and life is good.

Oh! I almost forgot…I was driving home and I stopped at the corner of University and 6th, about to get on the freeway…this couple was crossing the street in front of me, and then the guy looked over at me.

He was tall and lanky with a gorgeous uniform tan, maybe Indian, maybe middle Eastern…not sure…but his eyes were the sharpest, most brilliant, and all of his features, from his wild curly brown hair, to his elegant cheekbones, and the high arch of his thick but very tailored eyebrows…everything in that moment was SO beautiful!

And then he turns and looks at me in another 5 feet, and then another 10 feet…and then he says something to the girl with him and she pats his back like “There, there”.

We make eye contact once more, and I’m smiling ear to ear…and then he waves goodbye and disappears from sight….sighh…..

And here’s the thing: Not only was he a GORGEOUS, seemingly very sweet and nice guy…not only did we have a passing connection, and not only did we both spin every single fantasy in our head of what the other person is like…but it occurred to me that I wasn’t just looking at him. The other half of this equation is that he kept looking at ME!

At me! Can you imagine? Fat ole me? Nerdy, obese, man boobs me? He was acting all girly, all smitten…because all he could see in my car was my face and my eyes, and MY cheekbones….He found me beautiful!

I know it’s not the “end all-be all” of important values in the world…but I find Beauty to be fantastically valuable and universal in this world.

Beauty says a lot…young or old, male or female…and I don’t think you ever lose all of your beauty. Kindness is beautiful, sincerity adds beauty, charity is very beautiful, and deep feelings often enhance those they possess with immense beauty…vulnerability as well. Those are the aesthetic principles that I love.

I sound like Anne Rice and her “Savage Garden” analogy. Anyway…I got checked out! =)

Oh, and one more thing: I had an interaction on WordPress that just blew my entire world up with joy today!

It’s about Karl from the “Ripple Effect Training” blog (in my blogroll)…I left a comment on his blog about Planning ahead for success, and making all your food ahead of time and stuff…if you haven’t read it, go read it, it’s a really well done article.

Anyway…I said that he was an awesome role model, and that I would have loved to have a Dad like him when I was growing up. All my parents taught me how to do with food was how to best abuse it.

But anyway…he totally thanks me for the positivity (which he totally earned), and then said that he was glad to be my “honorary Dad!” Stuff like that just Lights Me Up!!

I think it’s the same theme as the beautiful guy who looked at me today: I was validated. You know?

I was validated TWICE now, in one day (and last night at the Guys, Games & Grub too)…people LIKE me! Why does that feel so odd to me?

“I didn’t really feel it the first time, but this time…I can’t deny the fact that you like me!” (Reference #2)

Between Karl being my new Dad and the “San Diego Anti-Blob Blog (check my blogroll)” author being my honorary Mom, I have SO much support here!

How I WISH I had that kind of positive, functional, head-screwed-on-the-right-way kind of upbringing….I wish I had learned about my own value, I wish I had been challenged and guided to grow and to meet goals, and to dream big for myself!

But my parents couldn’t give me what they didn’t themselves possess. =( 

But this isn’t about blame, because they were hurt too, and they didn’t know any better.

So let me say that I’m officially ending the cycle of low self esteem with me. =) Well….not sure about my sister yet, but I’m sure she’ll find her own way through….

And to my NEW parents: “Thanks Mom! Thanks Dad! (Have you two even met? lol)…I’ll make you both proud, and be positive, and continue to grow and treat myself and everyone else around me with the utmost integrity and enthusiasm!”

1030p

The rest of the night was calm.

Billy, Hubby & the spa. =)

Off to watch a movie with Billy now, and walk the dogs!

Mwah!

Jayson!

PS. I’m losing weight…I can feel it again! Whew!

DAY 38: Talk about feeling manly…

1245a 

I woke up tired this morning because I was up til 2am. It’s all good stuff, and I got a LOT of work done…but still.

I feel really good about all the business stuff being set in motion. It’s all dealt with. And anything that isn’t dealt with is on a list and prioritized, and on the calendar if there’s a deadline. And….breathe!

I dove right in and worked on my business stuff all morning…I am getting so much done!

Like I said, creating the infrastructure is where all the effort is, but I’ve done that for other companies and then it all runs beautifully after that.

I reorganized the fine jewelry department at Macy’s, and it was still highly effective and sparkly 8 months after I had left!

I reorganized the stock room at The Limited, and it ran like a well oiled machine…even if it took me 9 days to get it done in the first place.

I’m GOOD at setting up the systems; might as well benefit from my own skill. The trick will be to keep up the consistency of USING the systems…and that’s what YOU’RE here for, right? To keep me accountable? =)

I watched “The Biggest Loser” today. I love that show. It really gets to the heart of what matters. Today was a bit heavy on the “Game play” part, but it still had plenty of emotion, and people who are transforming.

I didn’t even feel guilty watching it; I committed to watching it top to bottom…it’s like school for me. I was on FIRE to do my work out after watching it! =)

And I had a really, really tight schedule today. I only had a couple hours to fit everything in before I had a massage appointment.  

First on my priority list was to get my new business tax license, because it expires today! I RUSH downtown, park, charm the lady behind the counter…and it turns out I had another MONTH to get it done! What??!

Well, okay… but at least it’s done. Early! WHO AM I?

The Gym felt crunched…and I delivered it…in 41 minutes! That’s the fastest yet!

Every breath I exhaled had a big, messy spray of liquid mist shooting a foot out from my body! It came from all of the sweat on my face being caught up in my exhale! Talk about feeling manly! (A unique occurrence for moi)

Tomorrow is all about cardio. No weights tomorrow. And since I was really rushed today and didn’t get my cardio in, tomorrow will be double cardio to compensate. =) That’s always fun.

I got to my massage appointment, and ended up not charging her anything. It was highly personal and highly moving…but this client has been my regular for years now, and she was having a REALLY bad week. What she needed more than anything was to be centered, and to breathe.

I didn’t even do a single massage move. I just led her through an hour guided visualization, and helped her back to some comfort…I really needed the money, but I turned it down at the end. It just felt right.

Anyway, after the session, it was off to “Guys, Games & Grub” at The Center, in Hillcrest! What a fun night! And it’s run by an advertising entity that I am a part of, and my business is represented on their website!

I was half social/half networking, and it went beautifully! I was wearing my shirt with my website on the back in big bright letters, I handed out no less than 20 cards, and I gave out some free massage samples to at least 5 guys…I did the best I could without a table or even a massage chair. It seems I stll converted some people over!

It was like some magic switch was switched on, and I was a perfect blend of charming, fun, nice & sincere friend + committed, competent, confident, welcoming business man!

Everyone seemed to love me….is it me? Is it my confidence? Is it my 27 pounds?…hmm….Yes. It was ALL of those things. =)

My new friend Eddie showed up…but it seems lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice. We were friendly, and I was glad to see him, but we didn’t have the amazing conversation we had the first time we met. =(

But it was a very different environment because there were TONS of people to talk to. The last time we hung out, it was just the two of us surrounded by a bunch of people we wanted to ignore.

I’ll be interested to see if we can hit it off better by hanging out just the two of us. I’ll let you know how that goes when we do it. =)

Oh, and the best news about this event? I talked to the guy who runs it, and I’m going to have my Massage Table IN the room next time, and give 5 minute sessions during the event next month. All I have to do is get approval from an administrator for The Center!

Sounds like a good idea to me! It’s basically like when I had my booth at Cityfest or Aids Walk or Pride…but FREE! =)

Well, that’s it. I worked really hard today, got a lot accomplished, including sharpening my networking skills…and the rest of the night was just about these 3 blogs that I wrote, and taking care of the basics of life and business.

I scanned a couple more documents, sent a couple more emails, added a few more things to my list….but it’s all finally out of my head and organized to be dealt with tomorrow. =)

I ate exactly what I was supposed to eat today (as well as yesterday, btw), and I’m on track to continue losing weight this week. Fast or slow, I don’t care, as long as it continues to go down.

Time for bed…it’s gonna be 2a, before I get to bed again…but it was for a good cause, these blogs! I’m back on track now!

Night, and hey, really…thanks for being there.

Jayson! 

PS. Two days out from my “binge”…and I’m doing better than ever…I am SO grateful. =*)

DAY 37: I want to do my own work…

(Written the next day, based on my notes)

 I woke up this morning and my body said “I WANNA GO TO THE GYM!”

 So I went.

 Wow. What’s that about? Aren’t I supposed to slow down since I messed up last night? Hmm…nobody told that to my body I guess!

 The workout went great! I worked hard and finished in 47 minutes like I did yesterday!

 I got back home and I just started dealing with a to do list of all my grown up problems: Bank Balances, Kinko’s, Emails, Phone calls, Faxing, Photocopy, Errands, Dropping things off, Graphs to track gift certificates, Receipt recording systems, confirmation numbers, checks dropped off, Printing, Scanning, etc.

This is boring, monotonous, annoying, difficult, time consuming S#*t…zzzzZZZZZzz. I worked in my upstairs office, and Max was at my feet on his bed, fast asleep. =) I love that dog.

Mid day comes and boy, do I feel amazing. =) I’ve taken care of myself. Totally!

Something weird happened, and I took all the actions necessary to pull myself out of my funk, and face my stresses. Where is this coming from, and who am I?

My friend Dreads is an amazing pep talker. It’s SO helpful to be believed in, ya know? I’ll always be grateful to my friends for being there for me…and to you for reading my blog. =)

I went over to the magazine I advertise with, and met the associate publisher, and strategized with my account manager…they have such great energy over there! 

They were helpful and friendly, and I feel some hope in my heart…I’ll do a new ad, picture, and they even gave me a free classified text ad, since I’m hesitant about that section.

The publisher was so helpful, and was a genuine, down to Earth and energetic guy. Thanks fellas, I needed that morale boost! I can do this!

So, here’s what I figured out with the calories for the week: I went 1560 calories over yesterday for a total of 3226 calories instead of the 1666 I was supposed to have!

That was 1560 over, and almost doubled my day.  So now I’m taking the excess and dividing it among the remaining 6 days. My new daily calorie gaol is 1406 for the next 6 days, and all of those extra calories I ate will even out! =)

I don’t want to be “punitive”, but I DO want to be Accountable. I pay for my mistakes, and do my best to correct them. =) Being responsible for myself also gives me a way to DO something about my bad behavior. =)

And as for the 4 lbs.; this little plateau I may have hit…it’s all about intensity, right? Just keep working out Jayson. Not all weeks are going to be stellar! Keep the faith…keep it up!

As long as I was dealing with all my problems today, I also wrote Hubby an apology letter. He carries me a lot, and it’s not fair.

In the letter I let him know that I want to be successful and to feel good about myself and my accomplishments. I want to grow into this business owner mold, and to earn my place in the world. He said that he was glad I felt that way.

I don’t want my success to be built on HIS back. I want to do my own work, I’m capable. =)

I will learn about finances. I don’t like finances, but I can do it!

Best Buddy Billy is totally twitterpated this week. How fun! “Ah, Mi Amor!” (Name the reference, if you’re gay enough!)

Because Billy is a musician, he’s writing music for what he’s feeling, and I’m going to do the lyrics…I can’t wait!

Hubby made Roast Beef, and I had none (ha!), but Billy did.

Billy and I went to the spa and chatted, and then hung out with Hubby for a little bit. It’s nice to see Hubby at the end of a long day. I love him…and I can do something about this stress of his! Sigh…

After the spa it was back to LOTS of work that dominated the rest of the night: Graphs, charts, upkeep, taxes, etc.

Once I have the systems in place to keep my business life running smoothly, it’ll be easy. But I need to create the system first. And that takes a crapload of work!

I went to bed near  2am….AND I have to write 3 blogs tomorrow! Am I slipping? Yup, a little anyway.

I’m not going to meetings, not writing, and my food slipped yesterday…well, let’s see what happens. I have every tool I need to choose the right path. Can I? Will I?

People are going to die, marriages are going to break up, money is going to go away: Life happens. I need a system in place that can stand up to the wear and tear of life.

If I can live with taking notes and then writing 2 blogs the next day, fine. If 16 days worth of notes piles up suddenly…that’s a problem.

 If I can skip cardio and add it to the next day here and there, fine. If I have to workout for 6 hours on Sunday to get all my workouts in for the week…that’s a problem.

 Let’s keep an eye on it, huh?

Night for now, and thanks you for being there.

Jayson

DAY 36: “Lite Spam”

 

(Written 2 days later based on my notes)

Okay…here it is: MONDAY! Time for my weigh in!

And I lost 4 lbs…that’s it, just 4 lbs. My fat percentage is the same, my waist is the same…what did I do wrong this week?

Well, you know what though? I feel my entire upper body slimming out. My pictures look almost identical to last week. The only difference I can see is a tiny bit in the angle between the fat of my torso, and the fat of my tummy.

Well, I went to the gym today and worked really hard. Sweat everywhere! I’m really feeling good about my workouts, I mean, I really give it my all. =)

Today turned out to be another day of procrastination and stress. Great.

I still haven’t looked at my bank accounts. I don’t know how far behind I’m going to be for the month and it’s eating away at me slowly…like some kind of sadistic disease that wants you die slowly.

I can’t seem to do anything besides watch TV and sleep…I’m just too upset to deal with the world right now. I work out, and I eat what I’m supposed to…isn’t that good enough?

I had a conversation with my ad guy, and he thinks that it’s a good idea to redo my ad, include a picture, and to move it to the back with all of the Classifieds….only problem is, this is a gay rag, and the back is where all the whores are.

You know, the guys who say they’re a Masseuse, and they do “Sensual” bodywork? Oy vey….whores!

Max couldn’t help himself today and pooped all over the carpet…right in front of me. He felt bad afterwards…he couldn’t look at me. But I just scooped him up in my arms, and held him until he felt better.

It’s not his fault that he’s ancient, and that I was overfeeding him with fiber! Carrots really move right through you!

Later on, we walked around all the planters and stuff, starting at the dog run and walking all the way around the entire complex! I think Max likes to pretend he’s a wolf in the wild or something…he sniffs EVERYTHING, and tries to disappear into the bushes!

Laundry, Dishes, weee.

I am so not dealing with my pressures head on. I’m avoiding. I’m procrastinating. I’m going back to old habits it seems. Day 36, and sliding…just like I said I would…uh oh.

And speaking of old habits…I ATE. A lot.

It all started with a 2 oz. slice off of some leftover “Lite Spam” from Hubby’s breakfast…and then it just kept piling on.

It wasn’t much food from a bigger perspective…it was white rice, spam, eggs, and mayonnaise for the most part. No Sugar (except in the mayo), No candy or ice cream or anything like that…because I outsmarted myself!

All the good stuff is locked up in Hubby’s Pantry…and only he has the key! Ahh! Foiled by my good twin again! Drats! lol

In the end, I had around 3300 calories for the day, over by about 1400! I practically doubled my day in 15 minutes of eating!

Do you know what though? What I ate was relatively “small” compared to how I used to eat! Looking back now, I MUST have been doing 8-10,000 calories on some days! I mean, 4 lb. bags of M&M’s, 2 Gallons of ice cream, 3 Large Pizzas, etc., etc. etc……Wow.

But let me tell you about this binge: I felt different. Yes, I felt sad, and yes, I was medicating myself…but it was a conscious choice this time.

I didn’t feel driven, even in the middle of doing it. I felt grateful that I had the food to eat, and that I had the power to overeat if I wanted to. Is that weird? Do you know what I mean?

I mean, I wasn’t making the best choices, but I was glad that I could do something to get rid of the awful feelings, even temporarily. Sad, I know…

And I know that I’m going to work out tomorrow…that’ll be fun. I mean, there’s no doubt in my mind that I’m working out. I am still planning for it, even looking forward to it. I just wonder how sick I’ll be.

I won’t go to the gym in the morning. I will be kind to myself. I should probably take the morning and regroup,  do some other work…I’ll be too “hung over” from these extra calories to workout first thing!

I’ll be getting to bed about 130a tonight.

Let me tell you about the rest of the night. My friend Jerry came over and we hung out and played chess! I had originally invited him over to jog and to see the house. You know what though? We DID go jogging!

This isn’t like any binge I used to have! I would NEVER have gone jogging on a binged out stomach, but that’s exactly what I did. I did a good job too, if I say so myself.

I kept moving, pushed myself occasionally, and did a great big loop in a solid half hour. Good job Jayson!

See what I mean about this being a weird binge? No sooner had I finished overeating and suddenly I’m entertaining a guest, and then I go exercise. Happily too!

Speaking of happy, Leo was ecstatic to get out again…I think I’ve created a jogging monster!

But moving forward, I really need to deal with the sadness and the stress I feel I’m under. Phone, Parking Ticket, Monthly Ad Fee, Groceries, Gas, Office Rent, Household contribution, Business License, Added insurance, repay a friend…oh boy.

And to top it off…maybe it was the 4 lb. weight loss that gave me the excuse. I sure felt like I was pouting in disappointment over such a small number. =(

Remember 5 weeks is about where I told you to expect my resolve to suddenly go missing? It hasn’t left completely yet, but it has a history of doing so. If I get through this relatively unscathed, I will be very confused…

Oh, and I haven’t spoken with my food issues friend recently…I’ve been dodging the calls because I lied and said I’ve been to a meeting. I don’t want to lose his mentorship, but I’m also not willing to go to a meeting right now. What am I going to do about that?

Am I getting too big for my head, too ego driven? Am I messing up beyond repair, or will I be able to decide to get out of this situation?

Who knows?

Jayson

PS. In the plus column, my first Sunday shift at the Spa is starting to get booked. =)

DAY 35: I want to share this passion with everyone!

1224a (up late…)

Okay, let’s talk about today. A lot has happened for not having a lot happen.

First I woke up. And it was nice. I slept like a rock last night because of that fantastic bit of exercise! Remember how I described it? An hour workout in 40 minutes? OMG, it just knocked me out!

Anyway…the first thing to be done this morning was to go see “Valentine’s Day.” What a cute movie! I know it’s had some criticism, but Gary Marshall always has critics…like he says “It’s a Gary Marshall movie, nobody is going to die.”

Awww….go see it if you got someone to cuddle with. =)

But there is this moment when the gay character has a little scene near the end where his character gets resolved, and his mystery boyfriend walks in and brushes his cheek with some roses…what a cute ending for his story! Except for two things:

1. They are the only couple that don’t get a kiss.
2. The reason they didn’t get a kiss was because of audience members like the group of women behind us who said “Oh, SICK!”…and they said that just based on the two guys LOOKING at one another.

You know what? SHE’S SICK. She’s the one who made sure that my husband and I felt attacked and hated while we were watching a romantic movie and holding hands.

She’s the one who didn’t get the POINT of the movie. Sometimes I really hate people. I was burned up after this. I wanted to say something to that group of groaners…

I almost followed them to their car afterwards…I had so much hatred in me…I just wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t expecting to feel that rejected, hated or disgusting while watching a romantic comedy on a beautiful Sunday morning.

I was sad for her and everything she represents in my life this morning.

GAY RIGHTS RANT:

And just for the record (Addressing this to those opposed to gay marriage): All this “Don’t allow Gays to marry, protect Marriage”…it’s all Bullshit! The only thing it has to do with is other peoples comfort zones!

You do NOTHING to protect your own marriages, you ONLY destroy MY life. You’re not protecting YOUR family, you’re ripping MINE apart!

Gays adopt kids. A LOT of kids…and mostly the disabled ones…in HUGE percentages. ALL you do by opposing gays the right to marry is to show us that you’re disgusted, and in my opinion, disgustING.

END OF GAY RIGHTS RANT

Oh, I had a moment of playing Prince Charming!

Outside of the theatre, Hubby realized he left his murse inside with his wallet, phone, etc! In 45 seconds flat, I had run inside, past the ticket guy, down two escalators, past a dozen theatre goers who were balancing sodas and popcorn, down a LONG hallway, and retrieved his bag! It was IN my hand! I rescued it!

“Do-do-do-dooo!!” (Just picture a butter commercial with a crown on my head!…oy, that ages me!)

Anyway, after I did that, he was VERY relieved, and he just kept thanking me. =) He felt good about me racing in there and doing that for him. =) heheheh…

And  I had a nice time hanging out with Hubby after that…and I started joking with him about being the perfect husband, and I agreed with EVERYTHING he said, and told him all sorts of things to parody my usual pet peeves.

Although, as funny as it was, it was actually a great exercise in loosening up my hard stance on everything! I mean, just by saying “Oh honey! Let’s go do (name something I hate)!” or “Let’s call up So and So (who I hate), and go to lunch!” it actually started to soften me up.

Like, even though I knew I was kidding, by saying the words the words out loud I actually started to feel like, “Why not change?”

“Fake it til you make it”, that’s the phrase, right?

But the funny thing is, Hubby got really uncomfortable and started acting all scared. He said I was freaking him out!

Typical! Complain when I’m negative, AND complain when I’m positive….hehehe

IKEA CAFÉ SECTION:

IKEA was cool. Let’s chat calories: I asked for and received the chance to look through a binder with all of their nutritional information in it! So, when I ordered the Caesar salad, I knew it was 400 calories!

And the minestrone was 80 calories! Cool, huh? It wasn’t a biggie.

Beside calories, I also have to get a certain number of vegetables, whole wheat grains and lean proteins in…but on my day off from the gym, and for the sake of socializing with Hubby and being a little freer today, I didn’t worry about that.

Although, later in the day, in the kitchen, I still worked out how to get all of my basic category quotas met. =) So, it was the best of both worlds. (Eat your heart out Hannah Montana!)

And the salad was really good. =) Well, it tasted good. 400 calories for this little salad! And enough salt to kill a horse! That’s like, more than double my daily intake of salt JUST in the dressing! No wonder it was flavorful! And 29 grams of fat! 29!

Plus, when I make a 400 calorie salad, I have to eat it from a giant mixing bowl because it’s so filled up with vegetables, and various other whole foods!

But this salad…not as good…and tiny! The only thing special about it was that it was cracked out with flavor stuff so that my tongue wants more.

But…overall, not a bad experience. The soup wasn’t that bad…but what’s up with all this salt? Are we donkeys? Do we really need to have salt licks whenever we eat at a restaurant? Ridiculous…

END IKEA CAFÉ SECTION

Next up, Hubby and I went to La Jolla Shores and walked around the tidal pools! We totally lucked out and got there at low tide…I’ve never seen LJ at low tide, it’s amazing!

All of the rocks are exposed…I’ve swam and sat and climbed up onto these rocks for many Summers…but I’ve never actually seen them! They’re amazing! Now I’ll know exactly where to step next time, because I know the whole layout now!

Anyway, I pet like a dozen different dogs, and had a dozen different conversations with people…met a dog that’s a Havanese…from Havana! Crazy!

We also went through the Wyland gallery, which is moving…hmm….I couldn’t afford those paintings when they were $4000, but now they’re just teasing me by marking everything half off! Even at half off, I STILL can’t afford it! =(

And we talked about fantasy homes…there is this real estate magazine with all of the pictures of the local mansions in it…WOW. I’m going to try to build one of them in Sims 2…Gorgeous homes being advertised in La Jolla; millions of dollars of course.

But my point about all of this is that I felt really close to Hubby, and I was sure we’d have a romantic, wonderful night….sigh…

In general, it was a great day off, not a lot of stress, no massages…on a Sunday……damnit….

But, for what it was, I had a great time, and just one more day away from the reality of money and demands.

I knew it couldn’t last.

After church, Hubby went to get some things at the store. I called him and asked him to get some Epsom salt for my leg, some zip loc bags and some cooking spray. He came home on a rampage.

Like I’ve said before, I wish that Hubby’s attitude were different, I wish that he handled stress differently…but I also don’t know the amount of stress he’s under, and he doesn’t have the same tools as I do…

I’m not trying to justify his poor behavior, but honestly, he behaved rather civil. Just by asking him to pick up those things for me, I added about $15 to his bill…and it retriggered all of his resentments. By the time he got home, all he was thinking about was how I don’t pay for anything…it was eating him up…

He said he needed to cool down, he asked me to please leave him alone for a while…he thanked me for cleaning up the house…but the closeness that we had earlier in the day was gone. =(

The real surprising thing to me though was how much it upset me too. This IS bullshit…I have an office now! I have cards, and an ad that isn’t pulling anyone in! I am VERY talented at what I do, and I’m still feeling ashamed and lazy!

I only have one more month of a lowered rent in my space…I HAVE to do something to make this work, and get some people on my table, or I’m going to have to close up shop, and just go back to working for other people again!

My future clients may have to pay ridiculous prices (MORE than I charge!), and I will see only $15-$20 of it per massage again! Ridiculous! Come on people…Call me! I mean, seriously…I’m that good! But how do I get the word out there?? That’s the business world for you…

Maybe I’ll start a separate business blog about the massage world, stretches and techniques. It’ll be all free info…I just need to get the word out there about me. Hmm….

And I gotta win this month. It’s IMPORTANT to me. This is the venue I’ve chosen to grow up, and produce, and have a life that I’m proud of. I want to share this passion with everyone! I want to be of use, and create amazing friendships, and HELP people. =)

More on that later…but long story short: I’m not judging Hubby too hard for being upset. I’m upset at my lack of performance too. =(

Speaking of working for someone else, I have my first training this Friday, and first shift on Sunday at the Spa I’m starting at. At least I’ve only agreed to one day a week for now.

Not a whole lot left to say…my left calf was KILLING ME today because of all the jogging, but now that I’ve been in the spa with Hubby and Best Buddy Billy, it’s all better. =) Hot water, and Epsom Salt are real miracle workers!

Other than that, wish me luck for the morning! When I wake up, it shall begin Day 36, and it’ll be my WEEK 5 “WEIGH IN!”

I know I’ve worked hard, but this new workout routine and taking days off is new to me, and I’m nervous. I don’t feel that I’ve lost more than 1 or 2 pounds…and I don’t think my waist has gone down by much…maybe a quarter inch…although my UPPER chest seems flatter somehow…hmm…

As long as ONE of my numbers goes down, I’ll be happy I suppose.

If I don’t lose a lot of weight, I hope my waist is slimmer. If my waist is the same, I hope my fat percentage goes down a point….as long as I’m changing or reshaping SOMEHOW, I’ll be satisfied.

Not happy…but satisfied, I guess…..geez…..

Well Jayson, let it go. There’s only so much you control, and you’ve done a VERY decent job this week!

Go to sleep, drink plenty of water, and face reality in the morning!

Night!
Jayson!

PS. I made some Whole Wheat pasta finally! The box has been sitting up there for 2 months now! Turns out that calorically, it’s exactly the same as brown rice! 33 calories an ounce! Go figure! It was good. =)

DAY 34: SHAME!!!!!

620p

(Editor Admission: Written next day from my notes)

This morning was nice…I woke up two minutes before my alarm went off, and I felt pretty darn good. A good nights sleep is a wonderful thing!

I immediately started getting ready for the gym, because it’s the last day this week that I have to do both Cardio & Weights!

Hubby is all ready awake and in the living room watching TV, and I tell him I’ll be back in one hour, forty five minutes (approximately).

He says, “Um…No. We have lunch with the Karaoke Gang (Accurate alias for my in-laws) at noon, and it’s a 90 minute drive!”

Hmm…..well, the bad part of the situation was that I felt really scared and lazy and awful that I can’t get my gym workout in during the morning! I have ALWAYS got my workouts in during the morning for the entire past month! The morning is when I have enough energy!

The good part of the situation is that it proved that as uncomfortable as it is, my workout is flexible around the rest of my life, and it gave my Hubby a chance to rise to the occasion.

At first he didn’t understand why I was so upset over “just a workout”, but when I explained that these workouts represented my commitment to myself to do whatever it takes, every single morning, for my health….then he became a lot more sensitive.

Hubby said that it’s just like church. He’s a “Silly Filly”, so he goes to church every single Sunday, no matter what. But this one time we were on vacation on Catalina Island…and the last ferry left before he could get to it…and the one church on the island was closed after 9am…he checked.

Hubby said that he definitely goes to church every single Sunday; it’s VERY important to him…but that God understands when he gets trapped on an island! That helped me to think about my workout a little bit differently, and to not feel so guilty for having to postpone it.

So, the Karaoke Gang lives in Orange County…it was a long trip in the rain…and we hydroplaned left and right…it was a little bit stressful…but the dogs were snoring in the back seat, they didn’t care.

That got me thinking about kids….I’d be a really good parent…I can’t wait! =)

Anyway…we finally got to the Karaoke Gang’s Hideout, and Hubby immediately dove into the Cantonese Chinese Buffet that was on the table! EVERY holiday, no matter what the occasion, (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Birthdays, Graduations, Funerals…et al.), the Karaoke Gang orders Chinese take out!

Weird…and Greasy!

And while Hubby was shoving in the fried noodles, fried fish, fried chicken and white bread, I pulled out my brown rice and cottage cheese, and my apple/orange slices.

The Karaoke Gang used to eye me with suspicion that I would bring my vegetarian food, or my calorie counted food….now they just roll their eyes and sigh….”Are you SURE you don’t want any wok fried seafood???”

They think I’m insane. =(

Cultural differences….

Here are some examples:

American:

• Vegetarianism
• Direct communication
• Secularism
• Achieving your dreams!

Filipino:

• Fried meat salad
• Gossiping through your children
• CATHOLICISM
• Bringing SHAME to the family if you don’t measure up to their standards!

SHAME!!!!!

Um….yeah…..not saying that the way he was raised excuses ALL of Hubby’s faults…but because I know his parents, Hubby does get a few “Get out of Jail Free” cards…”

And let’s just say that the Karaoke Gang were the sweetest, loveliest and most accepting parents in the whooolle wiiide world when Hubby brought ME home for the first time! (cough)…

I should probably start an entirely new blog about this….(grumble, grumble…)

Moving on!

Hubby’s older brother, “Shiva”, was there…along with his husband, “Parvati.” (“Shiva” has repeatedly referred to himself as “Shiva, the God of destruction!” So, that’s his alias on my blog. And Parvati is the name of that Gods wife, historically)

Don’t ask me why Hubby’s brother wants to be evil…but he seems to have always played the role of scapegoat in his family dynamic; whereas Hubby plays the role of the “Perfect or Hero Child” in the family.

Click these links for more archetypes (this was REALLY helpful understanding Hubby, btw):

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/family/2009/09/addiction-and-family-roles/

http://www.thechildrensplaceprogram.org/indentified_roles_of_children_of_alcoholics.php

TMI, I know..sorry.

But Parvati is a really nice guy, and we always have a lot of fun talking, and gossiping, and being our gay little selves over in the corner discussing fashion, music & how long it’s going to take the Filipinos to get over us…

But the BEST part of the visit came when I said, “Enough is enough! I got Cardio and the Gym to do, and I’m going to take care of myself…RIGHT NOW!”

So, I changed into my jogging shorts, hooked up a certain hyperventilating terrier and OFF we went!

It was a new neighborhood, and I remember at the start of this blog talking about how you can work out wherever you are if you’re committed enough to be a little bit strange!

Thirty minutes later I came bursting back in the door, sweaty, smelly, disgusting & GLOWING! Leo was Exhausted too! We discovered some really nice neighborhoods! Anyway, I ran upstairs, asked for a towel, and hopped in the shower!

The odd looks continued from the Karaoke Gang until we left…but I consider the trip a HUGE success!

Oh, and Hubby had one more really helpful suggestion: There is an LA Fitness about a mile from the Karaoke Gang’s Hideout! Next time, I’ll just head over there for all of my running, lifting and showering needs!

It will do THREE things:

1. I’ll always be able to get my workout in, no matter what
2. I’ll be able to spend LESS time in a very uncomfortable situation
3. I’ll be able to get out all of the AGGRESSION that I feel for having to see the Karaoke Gang in the first place!

That sounds like a Win, Win, Win situation to me!

The whole rest of the night was just about driving home in the rain, and then having to go to the gym for my weight workout…and as expected, it was harder to workout in the afternoon than it is in the morning.

But here’s something that made my workout even HARDER than usual! When I first started my workout it was 715p…my workout (as you know) is always about an hour…but the gym CLOSES at 8p on the weekends! Ahh!!

And you know what? I DID IT! I cut off 20 MINUTES from my workout; a THIRD of the time! I did it in 40 minutes FLAT!

Do you have any idea how hard that was?!?!? O-M-G…I PUSHED!

There were NO breaks in between any sets…I just kept going and going and going….not perfectly, not ideally…but at the same time, I wasn’t sloppy, and I still had decent form…

With all the pushing, and the rushing…it was like 40 minutes of the hardest cardio I’ve ever felt! The lactic acid that built up in my body was BURNING the entire time, and I was sweating as if it were my first workout ever!

Talk about raising the intensity! I was DRENCHED!

And then for the rest of the night…I was GOD! AARRRGGHH!!! =P

I had a great dinner, played some Sims 2 (Fun game!), and got to bed on time! I like sleeping at the end of a long, hard day! Sunday morning is all about seeing “Valentine’s Day”, the new Gary Marshall movie…it looks good!

Night!
Jayson!

DAY 33: It’s nice to feel appreciated…

1122p

Howdy! Well, here it is, almost 1130p, I gotta get to sleep by midnight tonight! I just gotta! Last nights blog took me 80 minutes to write, and that’s quite typical…so I will be skimming just a bit.

The morning started with making breakfast for Hubby…well, rearranging breakfast anyway. I made him SPAM fried rice yesterday, because he’s a crazy Filipino and that cheered him up….but due to the Filipinoness, he’s also Catholic, and today is Friday.

That means that he can’t eat SPAM today….so I spent 25 minutes picking out every single piece of spam from his rice so that he could have it for breakfast.

Crazy? Subservient? Weird? You know what…I love the guy. If spending a half hour picking processed meat out of fried rice doesn’t prove that, then I don’t know what does.

After that I was getting ready to go jogging with my friend, and “Best Friend Billy” pops up and asks for a ride to school!

It was nice to see him. It’s been almost a week since I’ve seen him because whenever his brothers visit, he gets kidnapped for the duration of their stay.

Well, let’s talk about jogging now! First of all, we need to talk about who my friend is! For purposes of my blog, he shall be named “Queen Junoria!”

He wanted to be called “Latin Factor”, but Queen Junoria fits him a lot better. He’s a very nice guy, but boy does he get neurotic about things! He’s kind of touchy, and particular…and he absolutely cracks me up! And he has a little doggy named London, who is exactly the same!

London is the cutest long haired Chihuahua, and he looks like a squirrel, with a big fluffy curved tail over his back. He’s scared of everything under the sun, and that includes other dogs….neurooottiicc!!! =) Poor baby.

Queen Junoria had agreed to go jogging with me yesterday, and yet, he hates jogging and exercising, so he complained about it practically nonstop! He doesn’t eat breakfast as a rule, but then he wanted to go get food at a food stand in the park…mid jog!…hmm…very interesting….(and amusing!)

But the jog was really fun! We went all through the park, past museums, through gardens…it was beautiful! And Leonardo was in top form, and outran all of us, and London did really well too!

At first I think London was shocked at being asked to exercise…but after about ten minutes this amazing wild, running energy came flowing out of her, and she kept up just fine the rest of the time!

And then, because Queen Junoria doesn’t have a car, I took him and the dogs (Leonardo included) to the mall to get an outfit for his birthday party tonight!

I won’t detail here all of the humor that Queen Junoria showed while trying to pick out a simple shirt and tie combo….but it was another fascinating character study, and a scene that I’ll never be able to forget! =P

We were totally like Paris and Brittney, carrying around our pups through the stores. =) How posh! I totally expected the sales associates to kick us out, but they just came over and pet the dogs like crazy! =)

So, after all that excitement, Leonardo and I went home and zonked out! We had ourselves a nice 3 hour doggie nap! It felt WONDERFUL!

Like I said yesterday, today was just about that cardio! No weights today! But tomorrow is BOTH.

I’m getting to bed by midnight so I can be up by 8a, and get my weights and jogging done to start my day off right!

I thought that I was going to go buy an outfit for tonight, because it’s  a black and white theme, and I didn’t have any clothes that fit me in those colors…but I ended up just wearing my black V Neck T Shirt that I jogged in, and my khaki pants!

Well actually, it wasn’t my size 46 waist pants…those seemed so huge for some reason…so I looked through my drawer and ended up wearing my size 42 waist pants! Isn’t that cool?!

I’ve lost 5.5” in the waist, so I guess it shouldn’t be any surprise, but it still was! And my black belt fit again too! I’ve been wearing the super long brown belt because it’s the only one that fit anymore (on the very last notch)…I’m so thrilled! I have a nice outfit back!

Anyway…I’m glad I looked nice tonight. Between the cheekbones and the black shirt, I was looking pretty good. I’m a “Winter” you know, because of my coloring. So, my best colors are:

• Black & White, (They look too severe on others)
• True Blues and Reds, (No Pastels)
• And Fuschia, (Don’t ask why, but it’s true.)

And the party was fine tonight. I only went for a couple of hours, but I’m glad I did. Oh, and of course, I didn’t eat anything, and I didn’t even care! What is happening to me?!?!

It was at Lei Lounge…which has to be one of the top two pretentious spots in all of San Diego. I’m not even going to bother describing it here, but basically, it reminded me of LA, and I hate LA…but you knew that all ready, right?

What I DO want to talk about is meeting “Eddie”, (Chosen in honor of his favorite show, Ab Fab!)

Eddie was amazing. He’s bright, interesting, caring, well spoken, supportive, stylish, independent, sincere, cuddly and most importantly, interested in being my friend! =) I may have just met a very good future friend, but we shall see.

So many times I think I’ve met someone who can actually hold their own in a reciprocal, mature and supportive friendship only to be continually disappointed…but if Eddie half the man he seemed to be, then I’ve found a friend who will believe in me, and be there to talk to. I told him that I offer those things too, and he liked that.

I just feel alone sometimes. I don’t feel as alone as I used to, ever since this blog, and practicing reaching out…but I still feel alone when I realize that I only have 2 or 3 people in my entire address book that I feel like I can talk to…ya know?

Well anyway, Eddie and I have a ton of things in common, and our topics ranged from capital punishment, religion, politics, sex, geography, healthcare & various other aspects of the human condition.

His only downside? He smokes. Eh, nobody is perfect. So, I’m excited to see where this new friendship will lead to.

It’s been a long time since I’ve met anyone who’s really peaked my interest like Eddie has. He said that I have a lot of substance, and that I’m really sweet and nice…and I like that he valued those things, because those are the things that I value too.

He said that his friends and him all enjoy mutually supportive relationships, and cheer each other on, and are appreciative of one another’s differences…that sounded wonderful!

Oh, and he finds me beautiful too! It’s nice to feel appreciated. =)

And then (unprompted by me) he talked about his parents ideal relationship, and how they are always respectful and wonderful to one another, and how that is what he  is looking for from the people in his life.

It was a dream come true that someone else out there thinks that a respectful and mature relationship is achievable, because I do too!

It’s now 1204a…gotta go to bed now; gym in the morning…I’m gonna hit it hard!

Anyway, if it falls apart in a week, I’ll look silly for having been excited, but it’s more the concepts he represented than him personally….because I don’t know him that well yet. But I’m looking forward to hanging out and getting to know him better; wish me luck! =)

Jayson!

PS. I feel Fat, by the way. I’ve had a couple of mornings where I wake up feeling fat…that’s not supposed to happen. I usually wake up feeling slimmer…if my weight loss isn’t progressing on this new workout routine, Hubby made a great suggestion.

He said that I don’t have to exercise a lot MORE or cut my calories drastically, I just have to raise the INTENSITY of my cardio, and shock my body into working harder and force it to adjust!

For example, jogging is now pretty easy for me, so I may have to start plyometrics, or adding more bad ballet while I jog…that was hard!

Or even better, I can borrow the PS90X DVD from a friend of mine…apparently those routines are AWESOME, and I’ve been wanting to try them! But if I do something that challenging, I should only use it for 2 out of the 5 days of cardio, to start with. I don’t want to go overboard and burn out, or injure myself! =)

Oh, and wouldn’t you know it? Eddie says he jogs a lot too! =) Cool! A new friend to exercise with! Night!

DAY 32:…always walk through the next door…

1039p

All right, let’s shake this mother and get through this blog…I feel overwhelmed because I have so many notes taken about my day…I don’t want to be writing for an hour…but I understand that this is a committment that is helping me a lot, so I will do a good job on this post, I promise.

Wasn’t that first paragraph the best run on sentence ever? Run on sentences really bug me, as a matter of fact, but now that I’m blogging and all of the writing is a stream of conscious kind of thing…those three dots really come in handy…you know what I mean…I mean, it’s a period… it’s a comma…its mysterious…it’s a breath in the brain…it’s  a dramatic pause…it’s unpredictable…you never quite know what to expect next with those darn dots…or DO you…hmm…(raise an eyebrow)…lol…

So because I stayed up til 1am watching the ice skating and playing ZUMA on the computer (any fans of the marble spitting frog out there?), I didn’t get up until 10a. But I still got to the gym and started my workout at 1045a.

The workout was just under an hour, and it was really good! I did a good job today! It really felt amazing, for the most part. And the intervals between the floor work were a lot shorter too, which means I’m getting stronger. (I’m only on day 2, and all ready I’m adapting!)

Although I can still see how my cycle is a little off because of the late-to-bed-late-to-rise-thing. On the way back from the gym I stopped by Yoshinoya and got a big combo bowl for Hubby, who’s still an Asian under the weather. Poor baby! Yoshinoya cheers him up. It’s like McDonalds for white people.

And you know…it was really disturbing to me that I wasn’t disturbed by the Yoshinoya sitting there on the seat next to me. The entire car smelled like Yoshinoya…it was past noon, I had just worked out…I was hungry in theory…that should have bothered me.

I swear, I think while I slept, sometime over the last couple weeks, the Pod People came down and replaced my body with an alien clone, and transplanted my brain somehow…it’s like I’m not even me anymore…strange.

I was watching myself last night on television. There’s this program called “Half Ton Teens: Facing Addiction.” These teens are 5-800 pounds…awful. And they act just like I used to.

They were whining, selfish, flippant, taking NO responsibility, unable to handle any stress or realities, making empty promise after empty promise, feeling persecuted, alone, scared and picked on…

But the most moronic thing to me was the way that the “support systems” around them handled the whole thing. “You need to eat less. Do you want to kill yourself? We’ll make a contract about what you promise to eat. What will it take for you to take this seriously?” Oh please.

These kids aren’t getting what they need from the “professionals.” Fat people don’t lack knowledge. It’s not rocket science: Eat less, exercise more! We’ve been on EVERY f*#%ing diet! We have too MUCH knowledge.

What we need is emotional help. We need routines that lead to self esteem. We need to be heard, and we need to take every emotion out of our stomachs and put it out into the world where they can be seen and felt. That’s what we really need.

Only those experiences of being heard, and finding our own self worth are ever going to stop someone from taking in the only comfort they have in life: FOOD. Only by growing up will we ever be free.

Obese people are children. It’s true. So the answer is to grow up. And you can’t just say “Grow up.” You actually have to go through the process, and find for yourself why you need to grow up, and what the amazing rewards are if you choose to.

I don’t think I’m free of all compulsion surrounding food anymore…but I think I have found some real truths finally. And it’s about time, because I’ve been working really hard. I haven’t been perfect, but I’ve never stopped trying, never stopped analyzing, looking, searching for the right answer, the best answer…

I feel grateful that I’ve found this much of an answer for myself. It’s more of an answer than most addicts have for themselves.

Wow. That was a tangent.

Anyway, Hubby has been kind to me all day, and I really enjoy caring for him when he’s not feel well. He’s generally appreciative of me, and I feel like I can be super kind too, and not be laughed at. He seems to be doing a lot better than yesterday, health-wise, I’m glad.

Anyway, I still have a couple of meetings I need to go to for my Food Support Group. I still don’t want to go. Unless the people in those rooms can start off from where I am (We’re children, and these are the ways that we propose to grow up now…), I don’t see how they have anything to offer me. But I’ve said I’ll go…so I suppose I will.

It was a beautiful day today! And the dogs were wonderful. =) I love my Maxibear!

I still have to get insurance for the new spa I’m going to work at, and I have money issues to figure out. But never put off today what you can put off tomorrow.

Here’s another thing about waking up so late. When I finally got to breakfast, it was around 1100 calories. I felt WAY too full.

I shouldn’t do that many calories at once. But at 130p in the afternoon, I only have so many hours to get in all the calories for the day.

Having 3-400 calories for dinner works well for me; it’s not a lot, so I sleep easier. And I’ve been having my last meal by about 6p, 7p at the latest. But spacing out my food a little more, helps me to sleep better.

Today was also laundry day.  Godamnit. But guess what? I survived another day without doing it! (This would be a perfect example of how I am still a child, avoiding responsibilities. Strange to be aware of it, huh?)

I watched an incredible movie called “Temple Gradin.” It’s about an autistic genius who revolutionized cattle processing, and it’s a true story. But it’s about more than just that.

Temple Gradin is about her overcoming her challenges, and watching her choose to always walk through the next door in life…and you know what? If she can do it, so can I. It was amazingly inspiring. Please, watch it! It’s on HBO this month.

It was 930p before I was able to convince myself to go do my cardio…so I grabbed a VERY happy Leo, and went for a walk. He just LIVES for going wild outdoors!

And when I say walk…well, it was a fast walk…well, that felt too easy, so it was more of a light jog…except that jogging felt too easy, so I pushed myself…and then that kind of gave way to another jog/run/ice capades kind of thing…

Yeah…I had another flame out moment! This time I was listening to some awesome music that I heard from the ice skaters at the Olympics, and I remembered seeing them warming up on the side of the ice, doing their jumps and spins in sneakers….

Well, I was wearing sneakers! So, there I was: double lutzing, toe looping, and doing the occasional axle! (Oh so badly!)

It was hysterical! And TIRING! OMG! If anyone is having trouble getting their heart rate up, just leap into a ridiculous ballet aerial movement every time there’s an explosion in the music! I was on FIRE! And I was working hard too.

Every time a car drove by, I dared myself to leap into the air with ballet arms, and throw my head back (while running UP hill)…it was HARD! I mean, I was embarrassed! But after 2 cars, I found this amazing release, and just went for it! Once again, I found the JOY of being Free! It was utterly ridiculous, and utterly FUN!

Oh! And get “Zorba the Greek!” That is a REALLY fun song to jog to! I’m partial to “Sirtaki (from Zorba the Greek)” by Andre Rieu , from the album “Andre Rieu at the Movies.”

It’s on iTunes. I recommend it for any manic workout. =) It’s only .99 cents.

On the not so positive side, I could feel my fatty skin slapping up and down on my lower back during the jog today…wee! Anyone identify with that? Fat slapping?

I’m a little bit worried about my resistance to go to these Food Issue meetings. By making a judgmental statement about the effectiveness of the meeting, aren’t I saying that I know best?

And even if I’m right, doing things my way hasn’t helped me in the past. But then…what if I am right, and it’s a waste of time? Deep thoughts…and surprisingly, no instant answer jumps out.

Speaking of answers jumping out: I found the angle of my autobiographical show…I wasn’t listened to. My Mom was too emotionally selfish with her own issues to be there for me, and dad was too in his head.

Mom couldn’t handle anything extra or very many of my emotional needs because she had enough issues of her own, and Dad was always feeding me answers to everything…discussing but not HEARING me.

I feel guilty for taking such a simplistic tact…but the emotional truth rings true to me. Even if my perspective is completely wrong, it is still what it felt like growing up. But you know who was always there? The fridge.

I feel a little guilty about discovering my take on my life, and feeling like I’m blaming my parents…but I’m not blaming, I’m just reflecting how I felt. It may not even be true…but it IS the basis of a lot of my desire to be in theatre, and to be so damn special all the time.

So the “weigh in” is on Monday. I feel a little nervous about the change in my workout program. As you know, instead of working out 6-7 days a week, I’m only working out 5 times, for cardio and weights, each.

I mean, what if I don’t lose enough weight? What if I’m not working hard enough? It’s all basically just me scared of reverting back to being lazy.

I don’t want to lose this tremendous mental change where I look forward to pushing myself! I feel different, I feel “Biggest Loser-ish”, I feel strong. I am not used to planning days off! The last 30 days got me accustomed to always pushing!

Well, hubby brought up a good point: By taking days off, I’m essentially training my body in intervals, and we all know how effective THAT is. (Seriously, it’s very effective.)

Thanks Hubby, that perspective helped. I don’t want to get anymore compulsive about my healthy habits than I do about my old unhealthy habits.

Hubby helps my brain to slow down sometimes. As long as he allows me my exuberance, I’m willing to take some of his suggestions to be more balanced.

Balance is one of the gifts that he has more abundance of, compared to me. And my exuberance is one gift that I can give to him…although he never seems to want it…how sad for him. (frown)

Well, for now I’m just glad that I’m not alone. I still feel you there, I know I’m being heard now, and I know that everything I could possibly think or feel has been thought and felt before. TRILLIONS of people have lived and died on this planet since humans were first around…think about it. It’s mind boggling! And almost EVERY SINGLE ONE has been in love, struggled, lived and then died!

There is absolutely NOTHING unique about you or me, only the combination of things may be rarer…and even at that, we’re not so special. Thank “God!”

Tomorrow morning, I’m doing Cardio with a friend in Balboa Park! It feels wonderful to combine my new life with spending time with friends!

Tomorrow is a day off from my weight routine, so after Balboa Park, I’m off the hook for the rest of the day! I’ll bring Leonardo Vandersnatch! He LOVES Balboa Park!

Nighty night for now, and thanks again for being here. Without you listening, I couldn’t be heard. Although…you know what? It’s refreshing enough to hear myself sometimes. I don’t listen enough to myself…I mean, I listen, but I don’t sit with my feelings very often…it’s nice to blog for that very reason.

Night,

Jayson.

DAY 31: Only Prince Charming gets sex…

220p (Next Day: Notes taken yesterday)

I woke up this morning, and boy do I feel skinny. My sides are tighter, my stomach is flatter, and I swear I can see some muscle starting to form in my chest!

Today was the first day going to the Gym instead of working out with Jillian Michaels “30 Day Shred.” I can’t believe I finished that whole program! I did it pretty well too. My form was really good at the end.

And I think that really set me up well for my first gym work out. First of all, it took me an hour to walk around the house, feed the dogs, get water, use the restroom, pack my gym bag, print up the workouts…etc.

I was kind of nervous about going back to the gym after all this time…but it turned out that I did really well. My workout was 55 minutes…as long as I keep it under an hour, I’m fine.

When I get really good at these workouts, they take 45-50 minutes.

The first workout I do from Mr. Trainer (there are 4 levels) is done on the mat with a weight and a ball, for at least the first 25 minutes. We’re talking basics: Ab work, Plank work & Arm work….ouch!

The toughest part is hitting each exercise as hard as I can, and getting through all 10 exercises, and then having to go back to the beginning, and doing the whole thing 2 more times!

My intervals got longer and longer in between the sets.

But after it was all over, and I realized how strong my plank work was because of Jillian, I felt great all day long. I was hot and glowing, felt awesome, and my body was alive. Tired, but alive.

Hubby was home sick today. Poor guy. But you know, he’s still being really kind to me. I don’t know what changed his attitude, and made him see that not everything in life was awful…but whatever it is, I hope it stays.

I went and got him food today. He was really appreciative.

There was more walking of dogs today, and I had an extra long cuddle session with my baby.

Max’s full name, just for the record, is: Maximillian Arturo Tristan Worf (Family Last name) the First, Imperial dog of the (Family Last Name) Empire, Regent of Dogonia, Prince of all Puppies, Defender of the Faith; Methuselah, Maxencious, Ancient One, Puppybear.

Hubby named him. See? He’s crazy too.

I watched the Olympics today…the skating was just beautiful.

And I am not redesigning my ad right away, because I missed the deadline for the new magazine issue. So, I have 2 weeks to get the new ad in for my massage business, and I’m scouring the world for the right slogan.

As for money: I THINK I’m okay…hopefully…I have to sit down and crunch numbers today or tomorrow…just so I know how screwed I am, or by how little I scraped by this month…I don’t want to make a habit of this.

I want to start a new habit, where every month I am confident that I can pay my expenses, and I feel like a competent adult who is wonderful at what he does, and has loyal clients who have their lives changed for the better because of what I do.

Sound good?

Cardio is still in the cards for me today…until I realized something. I’m onto a NEW workout week now. Jillian was still the first two days, and I did cardio on both of those days.

But now that I’m doing the new workout, the week consists of 5 days of cardio, and 5 days of weights. So, I sat down with my calendar and planned what days I do what. It was nice!

So, WHEW! First day in a month of cardio, I’m NOT doing cardio today! I feel slightly lazy I guess, but I know how hard I worked out this morning! I was awesome! Cardio will happen Thurs-Sat, and then Sunday will be off.

Same deal with the weight workouts: Jillian M-T, Weights W,Th & Saturday. I have Friday and Sunday off from full workouts!

I think this is something I can live with….let’s hope that working hard like this still reflects on the scale on Mondays….we shall see.

Well, I feel scared: Money, Office, Marketing, Relationship. That’s it. No need to expand, it’s all the same shit.

Oh, and I’m working on some Rules for Hubby. These are solid, written things that I expect from Hubby in our relationship.

I also have rules that I have to abide by. I’m not thinking these rules will magically fix everything, but before when we were in therapy, writing down our wish lists was a really positive step, and things improved for a while. It’s a step in the right direction, and toward communicating better.

I’m making three categories:

Prince Charming, Prince Cordial & Prince Tolerable. Each will have a set of behaviors and philosophies that correlate to a certain set of rewards.

Prince Tolerable is the basic stuff and the bare minimums.

Prince Cordial includes everything in the Prince Tolerable category, plus a few additional courtesies and nice things.

Prince Charming is going above and beyond, and truly acting caring, considerate and kind.

Only Prince Charming gets sex. =P

So, anyway, I didn’t have to do Cardio, and I was exhausted, so I went to sleep early! I didn’t even stay up to blog! I just took notes, and decided I could type it up tomorrow (which I’m doing right now).

I came in and out of sleep for a while, spent time cuddled up with Hubby who was still sick, miserable and unable to sleep, and finally crashed for the rest of the night around 1am…which is really way too late for me.

My bedtime goal is between 11 and Midnight.

The only thing I really have to do, that I said I was going to do, and that I did NOT do, is to go to a support group meeting.

Like I’ve said, I hate them, but I will try. So, I have an extra meeting to make up for missing it today.

Ciao for now, and thanks for reading my blog.

Jayson!

DAY 30: …I suppose it’s possible.

715p

Howdy! Well, the day started off with a really nice call from a new client! Finally! Proof that my ad is working! We set up an appointment for today at 5pm! Wee!

And then she tells me that she has a card of mine from two years ago, when I went to her work and gave chair massage….so she’s NOT calling because of the ad.

Well, that’s it! That ad is getting redesigned tomorrow! And I’ll be doing all the stuff I said I was going to do: Headshot, Styles, Tagline, Lic. Number, and maybe Credit Card Symbols.

Anyway…DAY THIRTY HAS ARRIVED! And here it is 715p, and I still haven’t come up with the plan for tomorrow.

Of course, I guess I’ve said the plan about a half dozen times all ready, so there IS a plan in my head…but I need to sit down and SCHEDULE it.

A plan in my head is just an idea. A plan that’s SCHEDULED is a COMMITTMENT. Ahhh….grasshopper! I have learned something in my old age….!

I woke up at 10a, and took 2 hours to get to Jillian #3. LAST DAY OF JILLIAN!

It wasn’t that exciting.

But I’ll tell you what, I did an excellent job. It wasn’t “easy”, but I was fully in control of all of those moves. =) It gives me a lot of hope about starting my new workouts tomorrow, because they have a lot of Plank stuff too!

So, my future plan: 5 days a week cardio and 5 days a week weights. They don’t have to be the same days, although of course they will overlap most of the time.

I haven’t been to another support group meeting for my food issues. It just feels like I have more issues with the support group than I do with food anymore.

But I have to go….darnit. See? I have the thought in my head, but I haven’t scheduled it. That’s why it hasn’t happened. I haven’t committed to it! Ah ha! There is the answer! As long as I don’t schedule it, I can keep avoiding it! =) (jk…sorta)

I watched the Olympic Ice Dancing today. I really liked the team that did the dance inspired by India; today they did a dance to The Phantom of the Opera. And I know it was an excellent dance because I actually found myself thinking “I wish I could see that show again.” And that takes a lot of convincing…ehhehee

The Canadian team got the gold, who did the Bolero yesterday, and then they did this brilliantly beautiful number today all in white. It truly was breathtaking! So, I’m not that upset. It’s just that the other team has a guy with really, really gay fabulous hair. =)

Oh, and I took out the dogs for a walk, and Leo’s arch nemesis (Louis Vuitton) ran up from the dog run and attacked him. Leo is fine…but one of these days that giant, muscled boxer is going to kill Leo.

Watching those two alpha males, one as big as a wolf, and Leo as big as a toaster, is so disturbing. I really should just complain about that other mutt and get him banned. Everyone hates that dog.

So, once again I’m sitting here blogging in the office, and I just finished giving a massage to a new client, and she loved it! She’s scheduled to come back in a month! Come on people…keep it up, keep calling me…

Oh, and Hubby came home sick today, poor guy. He’s under the weather a lot…he was the “runt of the litter” in his family. He gets sick easily, and illnesses hit him harder than other people. Not sure why, but he’s been like that since he was a kid apparently.

Just like yesterday, I will be going jogging in the park, as soon as I’m done blogging…I felt really good jogging yesterday, and my friend is really good and fast at it, even though he’s a shorter stockier fellow who you wouldn’t expect it of.

And just overall, I’m feeling more Optimism today. One part of it is knowing that my ad will be redesigned, the other is a creeping suspicion that Oprah is right about her freaking “Secret.”

Ever since I put my ad out there, people have been calling in record numbers… not from the ad, but… Is it possible that the Universe knows my intention to be a full time massage therapist, and clients are just being drawn toward my energy?

Well, I’m not going that far…but I suppose it’s possible. =)

After I jog, I’m going to have my last serving of whole grains of the day, and do some oatmeal with an apple. The apple will probably put my over by about 40 calories, but I’m not going to freak about it; I’ll just take it out of tomorrow’s calories. =)

My COMMITMENT for tomorrow: I will be awake by 9a, and I will be at the gym by 10a, possibly earlier. I will do my first workout, and I will schedule the rest of the week from there.

I have 4 different levels of workouts that I can work through…I’m wondering, how many times should I do each workout? I want to master each level that Mr. Trainer Man has given me, but at the same time, I don’t want my body to get too used to them.

You know what sounds like a good idea to me? I’ll do the same thing I did with Jillian. I will do each workout for 10 days, before moving onto the next level. And with only 5 workouts a week, that means that each workout will be in place for 2 weeks.

Therefore, I’ll be ready for completely new workouts in 8 weeks, or 2 months. =) That’s a good pace. That also means that I’ll have another 2 months from there to train specifically for the Triathalon at the end of June (and to walk shirtless in the SD Pride Parade! Eeek!)

Okay ya’ll, off to jog now, thanks!

Jayson!

PS. Oh no! I just realized…tomorrow is Day 31! Ahhh!!! (Looking around nervously…aren’t I supposed to be falling apart about now?)

PPS. A friend of mine, “Dreads”, sent me an amazing email card congratulating me on my 30 days…awww! THANKS “DREADS!” You totally made my day, and it’s my new desktop picture now! =) MWAH!

PPPS. Is it possible to feel “empowered” at day 30? To feel like I’ve accomplished something, and to have MOMENTUM, instead of doubt?….vedy vedy interesting….hmm…..

DAY 29: Swung on each other like monkeys…

 

145p

Today has been going okay so far. And I’m actually kind of proud of myself for getting some business too! =)

Let’s start at the very beginning; a very good place to start. (Name the reference #1) I woke up at 10a, and got to my “Weigh In” measurements

Weight: 242 (-1 lb., -23 Total)

Waist: 46.5″ (-2″ , -5.5″ Total)

Body Fat: 30% (Unchanged, -3% Total)

So…there it is, I lost one pound, but my waist is 2″ smaller….hmm….

Well, it’s okay. As long as it keeps going down. And it seems to fit the pattern of Big Week/ Small Week. Here are the weeks results so far: -12,-2,-8,-1.

According to that formula, next week I will lose around 5 lbs., and the next week I won’t lose anything, but my waist will still go down. =)

I just want it to be over…but there is that “30 Day Mentality” I was talking about.

Speaking of the “30 Day Mentality”, can we talk? (Reference #2)

I didn’t get to Jillian until 2 hours after I woke up. It was nearly 1230 by the time I finished her! Two hours! I just didn’t want to do it. I was tired. I didn’t want to work that hard. I didn’t want to sweat…and I used the fact that the water was turned off in the condo complex as an excuse not to work out.

But that’s not a good excuse. I work out all the time, and often don’t shower until much later. I don’t sweat THAT much (anymore), and I kind of like feeling worked out…as a matter of fact, when I finally DID get to the workout, the water was all ready back on…and I didn’t even shower afterwards.

But there it is. My honest bad behavior. Eventually my hand just reached out and pushed the power on the DVD because I KNEW I had to be honest about what I was doing. It wasn’t even about being accountable to anyone else (such as you), but it was more about knowing that I have to write about my thoughts and feelings on here.

I feel that knowing that I have to write my thoughts and feelings IS a great motivator for me, because it helps me to think and feel about what I’m doing in the moment, and not have to wait until later to do so. I KNEW I had to work out, I knew I was going to at some point, and I knew that if I didn’t, it would cause a whole lot of bullshit writing, and that I am absolutely committed to writing until everything is dealt with…I chose the easier path, and just got to work.

And now about the workout: It was good. =) I’m not struggling with almost anything now. I did everything full out except for the jumping squats, and the last plyometric cardio circuit. I did my jump rope move, and some butt kicks, and some knee up jogs…but the double butt kicks and jump squats are still too much for my knees.

I probably COULD have done the plyometrics, but I didn’t want to put any pressure on my knees…I mean, I AM getting older, and I want to use my knees for a long time to come.

Ooh! Speaking of getting older, my back totally flipped out the other day! I fell to the ground howling because I had bent down the wrong way, and my back pinched like mad! I had that happen before, but especially to the muscles of my sides (Trapz, intercostals, transverse abdominis, etc.)

In any case, I find it interesting because on one hand I’m getting more in shape, and that helps my muscles, but on the other hand, I’m asking my muscles to do things they haven’t done since the Senior Prom. (Reference #3)

It all gets better in time….well, until you die. Well, no, before that, beause you slip downhill and prematurely decompose first…but you know what I mean. Muscles can get stronger in this phase of my lifespan.

So, I’m over here at my Massage Studio typing because I was supposed to meet the person who shares my room and chat about decor, tables, supplies, and the best ways to share the space. Her appointment was at 230p. Well, I walk in at 135p, and she’s all ready in the room. I don’t know what’s she’s using, if she was mad, how she likes it, or hates it…everything is completely in a different place, rearranged, set up different, I added lights, heaters, curtains, etc….

But it’s her own damn fault if she is mad, because she didn’t call me to change our meeting time. If anything, I should be mad that I came all the way down here, and am now sitting around for an hour, waiting for her to get out for the sake of diplomacy and harmony. We had a confirmed meeting time, and she totally blew it off! So, any disappointment she feels is totally her fault.

To be positive, let’s assume she loves all the changes! I’ll find out soon enough, I imagine.

But the really good news is that I had a new client call about a massage a couple of days ago (which I wrote about), and I called and left a message today, and he called me back! He’s coming in tonight! I’m proud of myself because in the past I would have taken his not calling me back over the weekend as a sign that he wasn’t interested and totally would have wimped out of calling him back.

But because I did follow through, I have another $70 or so coming in tonight! (Which I really, really need)

And btw, he didn’t call from the ad. It was a referral from an esthetician. Thanks guy!

Well, that’s all for now, I’ll check in later. I’m going to go surf the web and see how many stories I can find about those ridiculous Russian Ice Dancers who dressed like tribal retards and pulled each other’s hair, and swung on each other like monkeys, and totally pissed off the Aboriginals last night. =P

652p

What am I feeling right now? I’m feeling stirred up. I just spoke to my sister, and she always has an opinion about stuff I think. She asked about Hubby and me, and I said that he was being very nice to me the last couple of days, and that it was wonderful!

Well, of course, she has to say that it doesn’t sound like I’ve really fixed anything, and do I want to be just like our Mom and not deal with anything? And that it’s kind of disheartening to hear that I’m giving in to some kind of un-closure compromise where nothing is truly settled, and I’m a big pussy of sorts….hmm…

I know she didn’t mean it all like that. Not completely. But just when I thought I was feeling good…

To be fair, I often enjoy her perspectives (okay, I’m lying), but I DO usually understand she’s just trying to be helpful. And that’s what family is: Annoying people who are just trying to help you in spite of the fact that you’re doing everything wrong. =)

My client will be here shortly, and I’m excited. It’s a new client, and I have a chance to create a regular person who will come back every month and give me money for awesome body work.

I’ve also decided that I need to rework my ad. I’m going to ad: My picture, name styles, my lic. number, and a wonderful sounding slogan. =) I GOTTA get some customers! There is no reason for my first little office space to be a failure. If I need to, I will stand on the sidewalk and twirl a big arrow with GRAND OPENING on it. I just gotta! AAAHH!!!

I’ll check in again later. Wish moi luck, ya’ll!

905p

The massage went awesome! I really like my new client, and he’s coming back next week. What a tipper! See? The moment I actually touch someone, they’re sold! But he’s moving to Alaska in 3 months! Godamnit! Why can’t I have a regular client who lives and stays in San Diego?

Well, my friend is here, and we’re going to go to Balboa Park and go jogging right now!

I’ve pretty much said most of what needs to be said, and I’m looking forward to sweating my giant fat filled ass off, right now!

And like I all ready said, I LOVE Balboa Park at night! It’s gorgeous, and pretty! And you can hear strangers grunting in the bushes…eewwwww!!!!

Chat tomorrow!

Jayson!

DAY 28: Quantum mechanics would explain that…

1206a (Next day)

Today has been like heaven, if heaven were free. I mean, movies, polite husband, friends, happiness, dogs, food shopping & beautiful rain!

No money made today, no calls about my ad, no lessening of the stress which is coming on the first of the month when I’ll be up shit creek…but a nice Sunday anyway. =)

This morning I sat down and typed up my blog notes from the night before…and I put off doing Jillian #3 as long as possible. Eventually I went down and did it. Oy vey…I’m on day 28, which means that when I wake up it will be Day 29.

Day 29 is important for a couple of reasons. First of all, it’s a “Weigh-In” day, so I am a little bit apprehensive about that. But Day 29 is also one day away from Day 30. So tomorrow is all about planning what I am going to do on Day 31, and making a plan of attack.

Day 30 is a bitch. The only good thing about it will be that it is the last day of Jillian #3. I will be moving into other, more comprehensive workouts after the first 30 days. And I will also be doing Cardio & Weights only 5 days a week/each, instead of 6 or 7.

But Day 30 isn’t difficult because of a routine change. Oh no…it’s much more insidious than that. Day 30 is a milestone.

Day 30 is a marker that says “Do this 11 more times, and you’ll reach your goal.” Day 30 says, “You’ve made it an entire month, you’ve graduated. Time to slow down buddy, you deserve it.”

Day 30 has always been awful, no matter what I have done, it’s been a sense of letting myself down that moves into my brain. Day 30 has traditionally been the end of me.

Of course, I haven’t blogged about Day 30 before…and now I have that tool, which I DO believe will make all the difference.

On Dr. Oz the other day, there was a guy who lost over 100 pounds, and he talked about how he blogs every day to help his weight loss. He says that the blog keeps him accountable for his recovery, and it has helped him a lot, and has given him a lot of support from other people.

It was amazing. I heard myself right there, on National Television. Dr. Oz asked if he’d be willing to blog for Dr. Oz.com. I haven’t looked for him yet, but it was great to see him at the end of his journey talking about blogging. If it worked for him, it can work for me!

I’m not jealous! Shut up….jealous…what-ev-er!

Well, like I said, today was a great day. I hung out with best friend Billy…he’s going through kidney stones….so he’s on a LOT of Vicadin. Wee! We went grocery shopping, and he also wanted to go to Costco. So, I ended up going grocery shopping at Costco.

I’ll repeat myself: I went grocery shopping at Costco! AHH!!!!

It was cool. I mean, BOY did I get a lot of oranges, and celery, and carrots, and tomatoes, and apples, and a thing of Cottage cheese that is as big as my HEAD! LOL….I spent less than usual, and really did well…

I want to write about how overboard I feel, and how out of control I am…and then I want to talk about how all of this baking that Hubby is doing is driving me crazy, because he’s making all this white bread and biscuits and stuff.

But I can’t write something that isn’t true.

I’m shocked, I’m worried, I’m concerned and confused…but I’m not having a hard time with all of this food. I feel fine. I feel…dare I say? Normal.

I don’t want the warm, white bread rolls that Hubby toasted in the oven today and then put butter all over. It’s even my favorite bread (one of them) called “Pan de sol”; it’s Filipino bread.

And all of the food in my refrigerator gives me a nice feeling because I know I’m set for a while, but I don’t want to dive nose first into all of the good stuff…I’m not having my normal fantasies about bingeing on all the food I bought today.

It feels like I am cringing, bent over, because I’ve just been shot at point blank range…but then I realize I’m not dead, so I stand up, and start looking for bullet holes…but there are none.

Another gunshot, and Ah! But then again, I stand up, smooth out my shirt, and think “What the hell?” Either this dude is a lousy shot, or I’m suddenly bullet proof?

My emotions are evened out, I have constant energy (mostly), I am losing weight, sleeping well, not sweating for no reason, becoming a little “loosened up” all around, and smiling a lot.

I’m scared mentally, that I’m not emotionally scared at all….not even of the fact that I’m not mentally scared really, I just have to say I am, because I’m aware of this immense oddity that is my relative saneness.

I know I’ve done an awful job capturing this feeling I’m having, but it’s very important for me to try. My entire identity, in the past, has hinged on my addicted behavior, and my emotional swings. To be without my old crutches is a miracle to me, and yet not unexpected.

I have been in “food recovery” before. I know that whatever I’m doing to myself chemically, by eating the right things in the right amounts (No white flour, sugar, red meat, poultry, egg yolks or processed foods (except some soy products), always works.

But it has never been so easy.

And that brings me back to Day 30. This is the gate at which whatever system I’m using at the moment fails. Day 30, in the past, would be where I say “Enough of this restricted eating crap! I want peanut butter jelly waffle sandwiches and mayonnaise/ketchup/cheese white rice bowls topped with burnt ground beef by the pound!”

And yes, that made my mouth water. But only the thought of foods like that are attractive. The emotional memory is what is still pulling at me here and there. If it were in front of me, I feel like my body would say, “Hmm…smells good. I don’t need it though, thanks anyway. I feel amazing without that crap.”

Oh, I saw the movie “Frost/Nixon” tonight. It was pretty good. It’s raining outside, so I just looked at the clock while I was watching the movie, and I jogged in place for 30 minutes in front of the TV. It was amazing because the first 10 minutes went by so slowly! But then the next 5 minutes went faster.

After 15 minutes, getting to 20 minutes was only 5 minutes away, and then I only had 10 minutes left! That’s 2/3rds done! And the next 8 minutes just flew by like nothing! Those last 2 minutes were the slowest 2 minutes of my life though…isn’t that amazing?

There’s something in quantum mechanics that would explain that I’m sure.

Well, I don’t want to stop typing, because if I do, I have to face going to bed at some point, and that will only lead to waking up tomorrow morning, which I don’t want to do because that will only lead to more worry, stress, and another tough workout that I’m becoming testy about.

But I suppose I must do what I must do. Thanks for allowing me to rant and vent on here.

And for once my ranting wasn’t about my marriage! Imagine that!

Well…perhaps I’ll go crazy after Day 30, and stir up a whole bunch of drama in my life…but let’s hope not. I don’t need it or want it.

The doggies are doing well…Max keeps having accidents on the carpet. He doesn’t want to climb up the stairs anymore…he’s visibly slowed down yet again…I may be doing a lot more writing on here soon, if he dies or worse yet, is put down.

Hubby thinks that if his back legs go, we should put him down…(lump in throat.) That’s a whole other topic to be avoided until the last possible moment, I suppose. I’m certainly not going to deal with it right now…just putting it out there.

Anything else to say about today? Oh…well, I guess I should chat about my perceived week of weight loss. I think I did pretty good. I’m feeling slimmer every day. I wish I was at my goal all ready, but that’s nothing new.

I feel like I’ve lost weight, and I’m guessing 3-4 pounds perhaps. I’d be absolutely thrilled with 6 or more. I never know how to slim down the hours before my weigh in. Should I drink less water? More water? Not eat for 12 hours before weigh in? Exercise harder?

Well…I went with the moderate approach today. I simply did my Jillian, ate my calories (up til 7p), and did moderate cardio. I figure that any genuine weight loss will reflect over the weeks anyway.

The only weird thing about today was my 2 hour nap after breakfast. I’m not sure what caused it…I was just out like a light, and felt groggy and awful for several hours afterwar……..ds……….I KNOW WHAT DID IT! I took a Zyrtec! That’s what did it! It has to be! I took that allergy pill, and 20 minutes later I HAD to sleep!

How weird! I never noticed that throw me before…but I’ve been all pure and pristine for almost a month now, no pills or additives, etc., so no wonder! Hmm…okay, that’s a good thing to realize about medication and me.

Well, that’s enough blabbering for one day.

Nighty night ya’ll!

Jayson.

DAY 27: …how Catholic, and gay.

1025a (Next Day)

So, day 27 wasn’t bad. =)

The day started off with Jillian #3, and I did pretty good. I’m getting stronger, although every time I start this particular workout, I get a sense of dread because I know it’s going to be hard.

Since I’m writing this journal entry a day later (I took the notes yesterday though), I’m actually choosing to write this journal entry right now to postpone Jillian again. She’s tough, and my body is protesting.

Back to day 27: Hubby went off to the gym, and I stayed home and watched my Olympic Ice Skating and cuddled the doggies. It was a good morning.

And you know what else was really nice? My nice, polite Hubby! He was a doll today. Either he’s evolving, he wants something, or he’s been possessed. I’ll take any of those options.

I had a nice big breakfast, and it was around half my calories for the day, but it worked out just fine. I had Oatmeal with my Fuji apple and cinnamon, as well as a bowl of cottage cheese with grilled veggies and brown rice! Yummy!

These first 30 days my menu has been really simple. And as long as I don’t get sick of it, I’ll keep doing it. I just mince things up and put them together in different combinations, and add some flavor on top. =)

And if I do get sick of it, I’ll just come up with some new options. No biggie. =)

I’m like Prince Naveen: I mince! And come to think of it, Hubby is a lot like Tiana, always pushing and never satisfied with anything.

I also ate 56 calories less today to make up for going over yesterday. It worked out fine.

Later in the afternoon, Hubby and I went to our friend’s house and watched movies and played video games and stuff. We thought we might also go out to dinner, but that didn’t end up happening.

I didn’t plan on eating at the restaurant anyway, I came prepared and I had packed all my own food. I finished off a bowl of apple slices, some cottage cheese and fruit, and a big portion of brown rice and beans. The rest of the group just picked at Doritos….which I was tempted by until I saw that it was 140 calories for one ounce. Are you kidding me?

Oh, and Hubby was helpful and brought back the “nutritional” information from Yoshinoya…well, if I’m ever starving to death, all I have to do is scrounge up $5 to get around 1000 calories in one of those bowls! I couldn’t believe how calorie heavy they are! And most of the calories are from pure fat!

I got a call about a massage today…and I’m still trying to decide if it was a good call or not. You can always tell the sleazoids when they start with “What KIND of massage do you do?” But then he talked about needing deep tissue and sounded really sincere…but he didn’t call back to schedule. Hmm…

Well, if I don’t get a sincere call this week, I’m mixing up my ad for the next printing. I’m talking head shot, and a less formal ad; I just have to compete! I need the business; I got overhead baby!

It was really fun hanging out with our friends last night…they all played a new PS3 game called “Dante’s Inferno,” and Hubby liked it because it’s about a super powerful ninja priest who kicks demon ass….how Catholic, and gay. =P

When we got home, I watched some more Olympics…well, I actually just fast forwarded through 8 hours of Olympics, but I stopped to look at all the crashes (big face plants in the snow!), and cute butts in spandex; half because I like the booties, and half because I kept imagining myself in spandex, and I was trying to pick out the kind of bootie I wanted to get in the future.

Sleep came around 130a, and I gladly accepted it. It was a nice day overall. I hope that Day 28 is just as nice. =)

Jayson.

DAY 26: While holding up my invisible skirt!

1050p

Today was a nice day. I woke up at 1030a, and that’s always a nice way to start, and then I marched on over to the living room and did Jillian #3. I’m feelin pretty good about this workout now. I even did that scissor abs exercise (flutterkick) justice today! It’s nice to sweat first thing in the morning.

Though I’m still feeling sad and stressed about money. And marriage. Money and marriage. Those are popular topics to feel sad about.

I wish there were easy answers, or at least a thorough support system, and indoctrinated relationship training in school age children; that way by the time we all grow up and get into relationships, we’d all have the same training. Anyone with me on that one?

Breakfast was good. I don’t remember what I had, but these 1701 calories feels like I just eat all day long. Every week my calorie goal goes down, and every week it still seems like plenty of food. Cool.

One more time for those of you who are just popping in, here’s the formula from “The Biggest Loser”: Your Weight x 7 calories= Your Daily intake goal. Weigh once a week.

Throughout the afternoon I had a general sense of lethargy, hopelessness and depression. Wee. I need business, but as I said yesterday, I’m pretty intimidated by the actions in front of me, and the huge amount of energy it’s going to take to get started.

Starting a business is like launching into space…you have to have a LOT of energy to break the Earth’s gravitational field…most of the time you just get dragged screaming back to Earth where your hair lights on fire from the friction and you plummet to your violent splattering death onto a large rock or something.

Once you actually break through the atmosphere and do all the foot work, then you can use less energy to stay in orbit, where you want to be. Just keep it going is all you need to do at that point. Well, I’m still trying to figure out which rocket will get me up there…where people are paying for massages in this economy.

Did I mention how amazing my work is? As soon as I get my hands on people, I win…but how do I do that?

Well, I didn’t want to think about it today, so I walked the dogs. They loved it. Especially Max, who rarely has the energy to get out anymore. I love that dog. It was a pretty day. We just walked down at the dog run, and then followed the plants around the parking lot, peeing on everything in sight.

My ears wanted to listen to sad, romantic, pretty music to accompany my melancholy…and I indulged it. Then I cried for a while. Are my chemicals changing? Am I just buckling under life’s stress? Was it just time to cry? Is there cognitive behavioral work I can do? Eh.

I allowed myself to cry, and it was fine. It’s been a long time since I’ve cried. It takes a lot of energy to be positive all the time. In any case, it felt good, and I didn’t push happy on myself today, so it’s been a calm day, but a positive one all around.

I saw Richard Simmons on Dr. Oz today. He’s half inspirational and half embarrassing.

The good half is that he’s a hyper active gay guy who put his special brand of sparkle on the workout world, and has helped millions of people to lose weight.

The embarrassing half is that he’s a balding, obnoxious, saggy, effeminate, flaming stereotype, wearing “sparkly grandma” shirts with oily chest hair.

Well, bless his heart, I’m glad he’s still relevant to some people. I just can’t wait for the new breed of gay to get mainstream attention. And it’s not Jack McFarland.

So I’m looking forward to the weekend. Hubby and me are going to hang out with a friend tomorrow. Probably have lunch…I don’t know how that’s going to work with my calories. I’ll probably pack all of my food. I pretty much don’t care if I ever eat in a restaurant again.

Now that I understand that most plates served at a restaurant have massive calorie loads, I just prefer to eat the little bit of food allotted to me.

It’s like, if I can have as much food as I want I don’t enjoy it and it hurts me. But if I have a weight loss calorie goal, my meals stretch out all day, and I feel full and wonderful all day. Crazy, huh?

Did I all ready say how emotionally yucky today was? The two thoughts in my head were Gotta work/Gotta produce. Gotta work/Gotta produce. Boy do I feel stuck. Whatever magic answer I thought advertising would be turned out wrong.

Here are some thoughts on that:

• I have only had my ad run one time so far. It SHOULD eventually pick up a little!
• With the exception of one other ad on that page, the other 7 ads have faces showing. Maybe I SHOULD add a head shot into my ad…I hate going there, but maybe it would make my future clients more comfortable?
• The world is ending, just shoot me now! I’m a failure!
• (That last thought isn’t very productive, is it?)

I had a phone chat with Mom today. She’s concerned about my marriage. Her motto is that I need to stick like glue and work things out no matter what.

I say this at great risk that I’m going to forget I wrote this and my parents will one day find out about this blog and read the next line….

It is an opinion shared by some of those closest, myself included, that my parents should have got a divorce a long time ago.

Their relationship appears very unhealthy, and their bad habits have only grown worse with their isolating themselves from life.

Over the years, Mom is acting increasingly manipulative, abusive and victimized, and Dad is acting like an enabling, depressed doormat.

I only say that, because it is with this perspective that I have to take any advice my Mom gives me about my marriage with a very large grain of salt.

Maybe I should ask my sister if she’s forwarded the link to my blog to my parents….I hope not. Nothing hurts so much as something that is true ya know. 

It’s only my intention to be truthful, not hurtful.

So, the advice my Mom gave me was roughly this:

“Shut up, stop talking, give him more sex, don’t give up on him even if he gives up on you, he deserves to be a little abusive towards you considering what you’ve put him through, you’ve worn him out, have pity on him and tough it out all ready, no matter what it costs you.”

I’m sure you can imagine what I thought of that.

But this is what I said:

 “I’m trying, I will continue to try, and to be reasonable, and to show a great deal of respect and compassion…he IS a wonderful man, with a lot of great qualities, and I LOVE those about him! However I need some improvement and some basics from him, and I’ll leave if I have to, although it also appears things may be improving…which is a good thing.”

She was absolutely flabbergasted that I am “willing” to leave to keep myself emotionally healthy, if need be. She kept asking me who would pay for stuff like rent. I guess she sees Hubby as my meal ticket. (Or at least recognizes that he has been in a lot of ways. Again, thank you Hubby.)

I told her that I would find a way to support myself if I needed to, and that all I’m asking for is respect, manners & recognition. I want our relationship to grow in a positive way! I’m ready for that to change! And when Mom said that all he needs is to see the action, and to witness me changing for the better…I agreed. I hope that he starts to see that change in me. =)

I told her I’m changing for the better, and that this change is more important than staying stuck in abusive patterns, (abusive to Hubby and especially to myself.)

Well…anyway…it was an interesting conversation.

8p came, and I went out to exercise for an hour; 30 minutes for yesterday, and 30 minutes for today. Leo was begging to go…I didn’t want to tire him out, but he kept insisting….okay Leo, you asked for it! The walk was cool, the jogging was moderate, but the music was awesome!

I listened to classical music the whole time. It was refreshing, different, and felt fun. Some of those songs make you move FAST!

At one point the “Can Can” came on! That was an interesting 3 minutes of exercise as I alternated between jumping around kicking my legs and screaming “Yeow!” and hopping down the sidewalk on one leg, twirling my leg at the knee…while holding up my invisible skirt!

I was laughing VERY hard at the end of that song and felt absolutely ridiculous! What a release! LOL!

Leo looked at me in a rather concerned way…

And No! It was dark and late, so NOBODY pointed and laughed at me this time! (That I know of)

We also got back to the condo just in time, because it started to sprinkle. I LOVE the rain. I love nature, and especially trees! But the one thing I love more than nature, rain or trees is walking IN nature, UNDER a tree WHILE it’s Raining!

I never pretended to be anything but the dork I am. Sue me.

Well, Hubby seems in okay spirits, and he’s being polite to me tonight. He’s going through that religious thing where you eat a McFish Sandwich every Friday for a while, and then you go to New Orleans and flash your breasts at people at the end of it.

Oh, and the taxes just got done tonight! Wee! (That was a bitch; thank goodness I’ve started a new filing system for this year!)

Oh, and Hubby did all the work on that…yup, he does a lot of the things I”m awful at. Right now he’s printing up the entire congressional library…I’m not sure why…but these tax forms are a BILLION pages long!

Night for now, I’m going to go attempt to have some sex, just like my Momma told me. (Weeeiirrrdd!!)

Jayson!

PS. I am feeling VERY slender today! I still can’t see my genitalia without sucking in my stomach…but I’m getting there. =)

DAY 25: Like Jack Skellington having a seizure!

1232a (2.19.10)

So last night I stayed up late reading Harry Potter. I really like those books. I feel like I identify with the characters in the books a little bit. But of course, that’s why everyone likes any kind of art: because we identify. So, I woke up a little bit later, around 10a.

This blog is going to be interesting, and may have some typos and stuff..I am not looking at my fingers while I type, I’m watching the Men’s Figure Skating finals. I hope that anyone besides Peshanko wins. (Or whatever his name is…you know, the dude who jumps quads great but is an ugly, arrogant asshole?)

Anyway, I invited best friend Billy over to do Jillian #3 this morning, and he did! He hasn’t worked out with me since about day 5 of Jillian #1. So, he came over, and he tried it out! And he got about 5 minutes in and said “I’m not moving anymore.” heheh…he wants to borrow Jillian after I’m done with her, because he felt all out of shape and stuff. =P Poor guy.

So the next thing I did was to go to the new spa I’m going to be working at, and talked over contracts and paperwork. I like the guy who runs the place, that’s why I’m going there. I really want to have a friend and a mentor in the business, and this guy has everything that I want. So this job will be a good place to learn a whole new set of skills in marketing, and such.

What do I need to do to get clients in the door? I feel embarassed…I mean, the shameless, continuous, obnoxious self-promotion is what is required of me to get clients…and I don’t want to do it. I wanted to have an ad in a paper do all of the work for me….turns out that’s not going to work.

I could always give in and put my picture in the ad like everyone else…I’m a good looking guy (believe it or not)…sigh…I don’t know if that’s a direction I even want to lean in though.

So, I’m going to have to commit to doing that which I don’t want to do. I’m going to have to hand out coupons, discount (I’m all ready discounted considering the level of the work that I do.)

I’m going to have to do chair massage, chat with strangers walking by in lobbies and parks…just whatever it’s going to take…I have monthly costs for rent and advertising now….either get to work or die of the financial stress I’m going to be under very shortly.

And where is the money in my bank account that was supposed to be there from my credit card transaction 3 business days ago? Hmm…I need to make another call tomorrow to my financial peeps. Why does it take so long to get money in your account? Oy vey!

I chatted with my Sister about Sex, Men & Love today. We’re both very passionate, and have extremely strong views. It can either be amazing chats, or beat your head against the wall chats. I liked the chat today. Everything she says comes out of love, and it’s also interesting, because so much of what her perspective is, is similar to what I think Hubby thinks about things.

In any case, moving on.

I have to go to more meetings for my support group for food issues. I am doing excellent on my own, and I hate those meetings, but my friend says that I must. Okay, fine. =)

My friend from the support group talked with me today, and we have decided that the largest thing going on with my marriage right now is that the whole dynamic is changing every since I’ve been becoming healthier and saner in the head.

When Hubby and I first got together, we had a very different dynamic. Very different. I was volatile, over emotional, abusive, desperate, etc….why the hell did he want me? I was exciting though…I’ll tell ya that.

Now that I’m becoming healthy, I think he’s truly happy for me…but when one person changes, it does throw the entire relationship dynamic off. I hope it will readjust. I hope Hubby knows that I need him just as much, but in a different way. I don’t need a savior anymore, I need a friend, and a cheerleader.

So, Shawn White, Olympic snowboarder….he won the gold medal on his very first run (you get to do two), and on his second run, he pulled out this bonus move that he’s been working on for four years! I mean, it was nice that he won, and he deserved to, but it’s a little disappointing to me that all of that hard work he put into moving the sport forward and improving was unecessary. Nobody could match him just doing the simple stuff, let alone match this awesome new move! How great for him, but how sad for him too.

He premiered his bonus fantastic new move when it wasn’t even needed. Why did that upset me so much? Upset is the wrong word….all right, no it isn’t. I’m upset. It feels like his second gold medal was WAY too easy.

I know what it feels like to earn something…it’s what my entire life is becoming based on: the feeling of earning, the feeling of well deserved self esteem. The Olympics is supposed to be where you give everything you have, and are amazed that you won!  Just a little disappointing.

Oh, the main moderator dude on the Figure skating Review Preview show was wearing this amazing sweater with a satin piped hoodie! Awesome! (Random)

I love Max. He’s slowing down. He’s going to die relatively soon. I love him. I’m going to miss him. Please hang on a while longer, Max. =)

So, I haven’t jogged today. I will have to do an hour of cardio tomorrow. But food was perfect today. Down to the exact calorie! =)

I went and saw Billy’s show tonight. It was good. I got a $40 ticket on my car for being dumb.

Well, money, money, money…that’s what the end of my day is all about. The feeling of slowly crushing pressure with office fees (even for trades where I don’t make any money! Bullshit!), and watching my phone for new clients to call.

Well, that’s for me to face directly tomorrow. I don’t have a choice. I have to produce. I’m an adult business owner now…=( Not sure how I feel about that now. It was a big step for me….time to grow into it.

Well, Evan Lysachek (typo?) won the Gold. I don’t like him. He’s oddly skinny, his hair is ugly, he’s got awful costumes, and he does this kick to his head thing that is truly bizarre…like Jack Skellington having a seizure. Well..what did I want? I wanted Takahashi to win, I guess. Whatever. Good job Evan. =)

Johnny Weir woulda been cool too…he’s like a sassy gay superhero. =)

All right…nothing to do but to feel a little odd tonight. A little off. That’s okay, I can’t feel fantastic every single moment.

There is a way, a technique, a style, a protocol…something is out there, a path that would enable me to have lots of clients, I just have to start exploring those paths and be shameless until one of them works. I suppose that means I need to get some rest. Okay, goodnight.

Thanks for checking in with me today. I’ll be more inspiring and poignant tomorrow. =)

Jayson!

DAY 24: Bring it on Daddy!

1115p

Jillian #3…ahhh…how I missed you since yesterday. Well…not really. But knowing that Mr. Trainer’s workouts are coming up in just 7 days, I think I’ll appreciate how relatively easy Jillian was!

When I saw him yesterday, he told me that all of the workouts that he gave me were the beginners stuff. Oh! I can’t wait for the advanced stuff! When I met him, I thought he was a male Jessica Rabbit! All biceps and pecs, and no waist! If anyone knows how to whip me in shape, he’ll know how! Exciiitting! =)

Today, I went to Kinkos to make a couple gift certificates for my business. By the way, I hate the Fed ExKinkos new name..I think it’s going to be FedEx Office now…ick! Kinko’s was a HUGE name. Everybody knew it! Why change to a name that’s worse? At least FedEx Kinkos still had the Kinkos in it! But I digress..

The Gift Certificates are pretty. Although, I don’t think I’ll use more than one or two. I’m going to change to sending them out through email. I came up with a great numbering system, and I can just fill in the fields, and email it right over. No printing, no mailing, no envelopes…none of it. =) But it was still neat having the newly designed gift certificates in my hand.

If I ever DO want to continue mailing out gift certificates, I have a great design now! It was actually a design that the GLT magazine created from my logo to fit a different space.

Oh! Found the COOLEST song today! I discovered it on Season 8 of “Dancing with the Stars” that Shawn Johnson danced to for the finale free dance. It’s called “Move Your Thing” by Basement Jaxx. It’s now in all of my workout lists, and happy stuff!

If you read the lyrics to “Move Your Thing” it’s actually about sex..it’s quite obvious…but it’s the BOUNCIEST sex ever! Like, go have sex in a inflated jumping house, with all of the plastic balls when you play this song! So happy! =)

I spent a lot of time on the phone with my financial peeps who run all of the credit card processing from my business…and we went through the whole virtual terminal thing, and how to check batches, and how to approve things…basically just how to make sure the money ends up in my bank account as quick as possible. I’m still no computer program genius, but I think I understand the basics now!

I also talked to Jim about more advertising stuff to do at the office space….it doesn’t cost anything except money.

So, today is Ash Wednesday and Hubby came home early because he went to church and got the ashes smudged on his forehead. I came downstairs, and said “Heya!”, and then I cleaned up for him. I had meant to clean up all day, and I had said that I would…so it was only fair.

In any case, he was happy that I cleaned up, and I was very positive about him. At this point we still hadn’t solved anything about yesterday (if you missed it, it’s worth the read), but I was keeping a positive voice, because really, what’s the pont of being a bitch? Ya know?

So, long story short, apologies were had, quietly, and somewhat reservedly…but it is what it is. I apologized for eating his chicken, and he apologized for the abuse. But that’s not the end of it.

I don’t want to report every single little detail of my relationship on here (I lie), but I just want to say that tonight was a little bit challenging because Hubby is sad. He’s not sure about us, or about things working out. My main point was that anything is possible, and all it takes is deciding to see it through with a good attitude!

I don’t have a guarantee that we’re both up to it, or that I’m right. I don’t know what’s going to happen in a month, or six…but I know that there’s hope with a good attitude. Hubby has trouble with that. I hope he comes around. I really do. But I can understand the mood that’s in the air, and how easy it is to feel like the negative vibes are never going to end. A lot of people in relationships feel like that. =(

So, I made some points, tried to help him as best I could…he said that a few of the practical things I said helped…I’m glad. So, I’m going to leave the rest of it alone for now. It will either improve or it won’t. But in either case, magnifying the worst in one another won’t help anything. I’m committed to looking toward the positive in hopes that it will grow!

“Ready! Okay!” I went Joggin with Leo! Awesome! He was ready for it! He remembers the joggin…it’s been a couple of weeks I imagine, since our last venture out. Well, he was sprinting out in front of me the entire 30 minutes! It was like “Bring it on Daddy!” And I was very proud of him!

On the way up the massive hill that I live on top of, that’s the only place he faltered a bit…he was tired. But I started shouting more and more, “You can do it Leo! Come on! Push! Push! Push! Push! Left, Right! Left, Right! Let’s go Soldier! Come on BABY! YOU CAN MAKE IT! AAAHH!!!”

I had originally just been using quieter language…but I realized that since I was embarassed when someone overheard me talking to him, there was nowhere to go except through that stupid fear! So, I just let loose, and many people in their cars and such were pointing and laughing! Those of you familiar with this blog know that I’m not jogging correctly unless I’m being pointed at and laughed at! LOL

And my encouragement didn’t just help Leo! Nope! I got up that hill in record time! I was like “Let loose my inner Jillian Michaels!”, and it worked!

I found a new way of running, btw. I think I mentioned it on here before, but tonight was the first time I did it for the entire thirty minutes! I’m now running from my midsole, and I’m finding it much easier on my knees. I read about how most people do the whole “heel strike” thing, and how shoes are now designed for that…but that it’s amazingly hard on the body.

So, I’m committed to trying to run on my midsole, and to lessen the impact up and down my spine. Maybe I’ll even learn how to run without shoes at all. Many of the greatest marathon runners have done that, especially those from the African countries.

Funny story about that: This one famous African runner was endorsed by Nike or something…but he doesn’t wear shoes. So they just hung around his neck for the entire race! (He won too!) Ha!

I found that I was much lighter, bouncier, and had more energy in my joints somehow, because it was a smoother experience all around. I felt like that “Flashdance” chick, when she does those leg beats really fast in one spot. I actually did that move a lot. I didn’t have to run as fast, because my knees were coming up so high, and I was really working my cardio and burnin, like a smooth, frictionless love machine! (Oh shut up…I’m allowed some fantasies)

Speaking of being a love machine though….well, like I said I’m not going to tell every single detail of my marriage. I’m just going to allude to it, and pretend that I’m modest. Oh! Shocking!

But I will say this: Nobody is perfect. I think that people do the best that they can in every moment, and that the learning curve is littered with people who gave up on themselves. Well I’m not giving up on Hubby until he tells me to, and I’m not giving up on myself either. It’s HARD to change, and I can understand how challening and scary it can feel.

That doesn’t mean, however, that  I’m going to stand for anymore bullshit abuse, and I haven’t….but a solid effort to move forward and save the good things in my marriage is worth the effort.

If my marriage can be saved I’ll be quite happy, because that will mean that the positive things will be at the forefront, and the positive things are magnified. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll be sad, but also relieved I suppose. Because that will mean that the negative won out, and there wasn’t much of a choice except misery by staying.

And like I said…everyone is human. I hope that I improve in the ways Hubby needs me to, and I hope that he does the same for me.

So tonight (it’s almost midnight now) I’m feeling healthy, hydrated, alive and happy…you could almost say I’m glowing! Well, to coin a new expression that I used tonight “Happy is a choice.” And tonight I’ve chosen it. 

Wish me luck, and I’ll write more tomorrow! “To infinity and beyond!” (Name it)

Did I mention how stoked I am about the triathalon? Me doing a triathalon? I LOVE seeing myself in that light! Capable….shocking!

Mwah!

Jayson!

PS. I’ve stolen the idea from that amazing show starring Glen Close, “Damages”, and I’m naming my daily blogs after a selected quote contained within it. =)

DAY 23: Momentum can be tricky…

930p

I woke up and did Jillian #3. Well, I should say first that I slept in a bit. I got up at 930a or so…I stayed up watching the Olympic pair figure skating competition last night. I’m glad the ancient asian couple won…they’ve been together 18  years, are married, been through 4 Olympics…they deserved it. Just wish they didn’t mess up so bad during their performance (they still won.) Anyway…like I said, I did Jillian #3.

But it took a while to convince myself to start the workout. I just felt like, “eh.” On the other hand, I didn’t have any doubt that I WOULD do it, just wasn’t sure when I was going to get around to it. I felt my mind starting to slip into the gray zone of apathy, so I got up, turned on the Playstation 2 and started the DVD. (Scared ya, huh? I wasn’t going to play video games; we use the PS2 to play our regular DVDs)

Anyway, it was fine. I did a good job. I still did jumpropes at the end of the workout instead of the heavy plyometrics…but it felt good. I did a few of the moves more fully, such as the “Mountain Climber.” I was having trouble feeling that one in my abs like I was supposed to. But I found out how to make it work for me today.

“Mountain Climber” is a plyometric plank move…Jillian is fond of those plank combos in workout 3. And actually it’s starting to pay off, I can pretty much eat lunch up there, I’m getting so strong at holding myself now! So, back to the move. You hold yourself in plank pose, and then with your legs you basically do jump squats. First one foot is front, and the other is back, and then you switch. And you switch back and forth quickly, while holding your plank.

The first day I did the easier modification where you just bring one foot up at a time, and then put it back before moving the other foot. Yesterday I followed the “Hard Version” girl in the DVD,  who is the person to follow if you want to challenge yourself. Her name is Natalie, and she’s stupid. She has no technique, she’s sloppy, she’s unexacting, she’s lazy, her form is bad, and she’s ugly. Other than that, I have no problem with her. Did I just totally go off about a girl in a workout video? Sorry.

As long as I’m at it, “Anita” , who does the modified versions to make the exercises easier, is fantastic. She’s ripped, she has perfect form, and she’s in control of every single movement. Natalie and Anita should really switch places…but the funny thing is, Jillian jokes and talks with Natalie during all the workouts…and totally ignores poor little Anita, except to compliment her abs, once.

I think Jillian has a thing for Natalie. She’s all ready said that she’s bisexual…hmm…maybe that’s how that cow Natalie made it onto the video in the first place…sleeping with the boss! Shocking!

Now, where was I? You really have to stop me when I start going all “Dallas”…it’s fun, but ultimately serves no purpose except to show how amazingly gay I am. Which is redundant anyway. Siighh….

So, “Mountain Climbers”: Natalie (cow) brings up her knees, but doesn’t put her foot down. I wasn’t feeling anything that way. Anita is doing a move that’s now too easy for me, and Jillian was finally the one I followed today. She lands both of the squats, and has to push off to lift her butt up into the A frame every single time she switches. Get it? By just moving the knee up and not putting it down, Cowface holds her perfect A frame and therefore doesn’t work her abs.

In any case, it kicked my ass (abs), and felt a lot better. Whew! =)

Moving on with my day, I didn’t move on with my day. I had a great big list of stuff to do, and I completely ignored it. I didn’t clean the house, I didn’t take care of business stuff, I didn’t do anything.

I just worked out! Wasn’t that good enough? I lost 8 pounds! Doesn’t that deserve a reward? My ad is out and I had some clients yesterday! I didn’t make enough yet, but it was a good start! Surely I can take just today off! Laundry? No fun!

Well, today showed me that momentum can be tricky…On one hand, it’s fabulous that I’m doing so well, but on the other hand, by “rewarding” myself, I totally stopped my momentum, and really punished myself. I mean, damn! How many times do I have to learn the same lesson?

 And to be honest, it’s not like I really didn’t know what I was doing. I just knew that I wasn’t going to be productive. I took care of what was important to me: I worked out.

I ate my food, and my “rewarding” myself even went further…now don’t get scared, I’ve actually undereaten today by about 150 calories…but I did have a little splurge. I LOVE Hubby’s fried chicken, and there were a couple of pieces left over from last night.

Altogether it was only about 4 ounces for both pieces, and thank God for that! Do you know how many calories are in an ounce of fried chicken? I do. I looked it up: 72! That’s right, 72 calories in ONE OUNCE of fried chicken! My calories keep shrinking every week, so basically I ate the chicken and not much else today.

I meant to call Hubby and thank him for the food. In the past I’ve been guilty of eating “his food”, the stuff that he prepares for himself…but this was only 4 oz…so it kind of slipped my mind to tell him that it was so good that I didn’t even mind that I spent the majority of my calories on it today! Well, thanks Hubby! I promise not to get into the habit…fried chicken isn’t the best for me anyway, but it was a lovely treat.

The next productive thing I did was go to the dentist. It was time for my quarterly cleaning. Nothing special happened except that at one point I had 5 dental assistants clamoring around me as I was feverishly handing out my business cards to them! I had gotten into a conversation about my office that I just opened right down the street, and told them all about various things I do and stuff.

So, there I was talking to my dental hygenist about her shoulders and arms and stuff…I “touched in” on her, poked a spot here, and a spot there…showing her the things that were causing her symptoms, and BAM! Just like that, she had called over everybody, and they all wanted me to do to them what I had just done to her!

She was testifying up and down, “He’s really good! He knew exactly where that pain was! I felt it all the way up in my eye! Oh my God! You have to try this! Do that thing you just did to me to them! Girls, you have to experience this! He knows exactly what we were talking about today!”

It was kind of surreal! lol…I felt like a lab experiment, with everyone being so amazed that I could point out their tight muscles! It’s like, come on people, it’s called education! Although, I don’t blame them…the usual impression people have about massage therapists involve seeing that stupid ass towel on your head, and all that smooth rubbing on your back crap.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I incorporate that vibe sometimes, and it’s in my repertoire…but come on! My whole philosophy about massage is that it’s supposed to be transformative! You’re SUPPOSED to feel brand new, like you’ve just been changed for the better. That’s the kind of work that got me interested in massage therapy in the first place.

I went to IPSB, which is the best school in San Diego…most therapists go to one of those fly by night shops where you can be a X Ray technician, finish your high school diploma, become a paralegal, or a massage therapist. Those places suck. Those are the people you find at “Massage Envy”. The only thing I’m envious about is that I didn’t think of that first. It’s the “Wal-Marting” of massage. Cheap crap that the public thinks defines what massage is. Great. (I only worked there for 2 months….shut up!) =P

After the dentist, I came down the street to my office and set up for another appointment. Don’t get excited: I wasn’t paid money for this one. This was my personal trainer colleague, who I trade sessions with and who adores my work, and often recommends new clients to me. He’s excellent at what he does, and so it’s an honor that he thinks so highly of my work and says so to his clients.

Well, before he came for his appointment, I bit the bullet, and decided to go jogging in Balboa Park! It was all ready dark, but I have to say, it was really, really beautiful! Balboa Park at night is all lit up with these softly lit yellow lightpoles. It’s gorgeous.

Going over the bridge toward the “Museum of Man”, with the bright white strands all over it was just about the most magical sight I’ve ever seen! There were a lot of people out exercising too! I had no idea that other people actually exercise at this time of night. I thought I was going to be alone. Nope!

Even the Old Globe theatre was busy, on a Monday no less! I jogged in and around all of the velvet clad elderly people, and even jogged in place to ask one of the couples what plays were going on. They were a little taken aback…like I was asking for money or something. (I don’t think you’re actually supposed to TALK to rich people, it shocks them)…in any case, “Whisper House” and “Lost in Yonkers” were the shows. I’ve seen the first one advertised…I’m sure it’s good. The Old Globe always does fantastic productions.

So, I sweat my ass off, and I finished my jog.  Along the way, I found a new bridge that goes over Park Ave. and into these pretty rose gardens, and I explored the inner court yards of some of the spanish style mansion places too…all gorgeous! =)

The moderate cold helped me a lot too. I never felt too hot, and because I was exercising, I never felt too cold either.

When I got back to the office, right before my massage, I listened to a message that Hubby had left for me on my phone while I was running.

It was disgusting.

He started by yelling at me “HOW DARE YOU!” as loud as he could, and proceeded to then tell me how awful I was, how I don’t do ANYTHING to help, how the house is a mess, how he’s used to my abuse but he’s now “DONE WITH IT”, and blamed me for his general misery and stress and for his “STARVING TO DEATH!” He told me “DON’T EVEN BOTHER APOLOGIZING, I’M SICK OF YOUR PROMISES!”, and said I was lucky I wasn’t there, because he would beat the crap out of me.

Where did this onslaught of hatred come from? I ate his chicken.

I was really shaken, and didn’t know what to think, really. Not sure that there was anything TO think. I took a breath, put the issue aside, and went and set up my room for my client. The last thing I want to do is pass that kind of energy onto my clients. And I also didn’t want to rob myself for the accomplishment I had just had at the park, where I felt so motivated, safe & proud of myself! I did a GOOD job jogging, and I knew that I was feeling love for myself!

The last thing I needed was to see myself in the shameful way that Hubby described to me. That’s the kind of shit I used to go binge over…

So now that I’m sitting at the office after the massage, purposefully NOT going home, and reflecting on the day, what DO I think about what he said to me? Well, I think that he has fair points to be upset over. I ate food that he was looking forward to, that took time to prepare, and I didn’t ask permission before I ate it.

I felt a little bingey when I ate it…I shouldn’t have eaten it, and I can promise that I’m going to ask more in the future…I have gotten into that habit anyway nowadays. I generally ask Hubby if I can have some of the stuff he makes before I have it, especially if it’s the last of it.

He called me shortly after he left that message, before my appointment got here…he told me he was calming down, and begged me to explain why I had done what I did. I explained. Then he gave me a litany of his woes today, from financial stress to almost breaking his phone. I told him I had to go, and he said okay.

I’m glad he was calming down, but that doesn’t change the fact that what he said to me was horrendous. And it’s just more of the same from him. He has no control over his emotions when they’ve built up, and from time to time you’ll get blasted. If one thing goes wrong, it can ruin his day. He ALLOWS it to ruin his day. He doesn’t know that he has the choice.

I’ve showed him different perspectives, tools, techniques on how to choose who you are; how to hate the situation, but not let it control you. I’ve tried to get him to stop going crazy over circumstances…but he has yet to show any interest in learning anything from me.

As was discussed previously, he doesn’t see that I really offer anything to the relationship, let alone to his personal growth. I’m just a parasite, sucking all of the life out of him, causing him stress and messing up. Yeah, that’s how you feel, huh? Fuck you!  

Just because you think you don’t have anything to learn about pulling your emotional shit together, and you decide to view me as beneath you, does NOT give you license to talk to me the way that you did. Ever.

It was disgusting, and it’s beneath you. That was NOT kindness, that was NOT love, that was NOT what I want, need or expect from you. That’s called going backwards. We’ve decided to grow forward, or at least to try…and what you showed me today is that with the smallest justification you’ll turn off your conditional love and respect and behave monstrously.

We all have our moments. We all make mistakes. We all let emotion get the best of us sometimes. And we all have the opportunity to grow & learn from those times.

I used to be an erratic food addict. I cussed at Hubby, I threw things, I blamed him for everything. I was moody, grumpy, off kilter….in fact, he’s done nothing worse today than all of the times that I’ve behaved like that.

But I’m NOT that person today. I take responsibility for who I am today, and I strive very hard to put love and respect FIRST in my marriage. I prioritize apologies when they’re due, and have learned to freely check my ego at the door. Hubby, you’re not me. I don’t expect you to improve over night. I do, however, expect you to try.

Final words on this topic? I’m just extremely disappointed in him. And I won’t be forgetting this anytime soon. I know I didn’t deserve the magnitude of disrespect and violence he gave me. I know my value and my worth and how I deserve to be treated. This anger is HIS problem. This destruction and turmoil is in HIS heart. I’m just sad for him, and extremely disappointed. siighh…

Now about the massage! It went really well. My personal trainer is amazing, and I love him. He’s got the coolest body to work on too. Every muscle of his is developed, so it’s like working on an anatomy map or something. You can actually see every single muscle, where it’s coming from and where it connects. And, without getting unprofessional, it’s a joy working on such a beautiful body. 

He is very motivational to me, which is his job. I can see myself in that kind of awesome shape, and I can imagine I’m feeling my own back or my own calf. I can picture the kinds of things that he’s going to have me doing in my training, and realize that he did those things to get what he has. It’s pretty cool all around!

And…in talking about fitness goals, and weight loss (he’s very proud of me!), he’s determined that my first triathalon will be at the end of June! Just 4 months away! Aaahh!! We’ll see…I told him I’d still be too fat by that time, but he’s having none of it….oh dear. I mean, I wanted future fitness goals, but this is just scary! And soon! A triathalon? Me? He told me that it’ll give me something to write about on here. Ha! He’s got that right!

He also asked me about my relationship, and how it affects my health. I was honest. And he was happy to hear that I’m aware of the drain that negativity can be, and that I’m not going to let relationship problems stop my progress.

You know the coolest thing about Mr. Trainer? He believes in me. He knows I can do it, even if I don’t. He sees me as part of his team. He is on my side, and I’m still not exactly sure why. I keep thinking “Doesn’t he know I’m gay? Doesn’t he know I’m fat? Doesn’t he know I was never popular in High School, or anywhere for that matter?”

All of those old tapes about who I am, and how I measure up lower than everybody else keep trying to get back in my head…and I’m not letting them. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t realize that they’re there.

And I’m still in awe that a genuinely nice, beautiful, successful, motivational, helpful, fitness expert is on my side and thinks I’m worth the effort. =) I mean, did I die and go to heaven? What did I do to deserve his support? I give an amazing massage, but still…

I betcha it’s that “good heart” speech again. Remember that from my earlier blog? Everyone keeps telling me what a good heart I have. I’m embarasssed a little, but also grateful, because I know that they’re seeing what is inside of me. I mean, you know how you always think, as a kid, that someone is going to “discover” you? Make you a star? Uncover your amazing talent, and mentor you? That never happened when I was a kid.

But this whole journey of writing, growing, making new choices…all of this; this is like that chance I never had. And I am amazed at all of the people who are in my corner. People who stand by me and say “I believe in you, Jayson.” And why are they doing that?

Because I said it first. Standing up for yourself lets other people stand up for you too. I do have a good heart. I am nice. I am kind. I am loving. I have a lot to give, and I can achieve whatever my heart wants to achieve! I’m just in shock because for the first time I’m seeing that someone like Mr. Trainer agrees. And so do most of the people who read this blog. Isn’t that amazing?

But this really isn’t about me. Even writing about my life isn’t really about me, it’s about us. I’m just lining myself up with the truths that are out there. Through this blog, and through processing things in this way, I come closer and closer to the principles of truth that run through our universe. (God I sound new agey! ick!)

People read this blog, watch an inspirational movie, listen to heroic news stories…all these things just show us that we can ALL fly. And we’re inspired by those who believe in themselves. I find it amazing to say that I’m becoming one of those people. I’m becoming one of the leaders, one of the aware…who truly understands now that I’m the final say on who I am, and what my life is going to be.

(Cue the John Tesh music now)

I hope you’ve enjoyed my soap box speech. I rather enjoyed it myself! I enjoyed getting it out, and reminding myself that I’m only as limited as I think I am. I’m only as lowly and undeserving as I think I am. And that truth has awesome power to change my life for the better.

Thanks for taking the time to read my massive blog today.

Night,

Jayson!

PS. You better have enjoyed this…it took over 2 hours to write! Eat your heart out Hemingway!

DAY 22: Success! Did I win yet?

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Hey ya’ll! I’ve had a pretty good day all around. It was surreal, because it wasn’t typical, but it was also encouraging, because I’d like to have more days like this.

WEIGH IN RESULTS: WEEK 3

243 lbs (-8 lbs. this week/-22 Total Tally)

30% Fat (-2%)

47.5” Waist (-0”) gggrrrr….

The day started with Jillian #3 (shocking, I know…no sex this morning!) I am slowly getting used to this workout. This was only day 2 out of 10, but all ready I knew where the tough parts were, and how to pace myself.

The scissor abs move still killed me, and the travelling pushups are directly from Satan. Other than that, I did okay. At the end of the workout when all that plyometric (jump training) stuff happens, I just did my jumproping moves. It was a little lower impact, but I did what I had to do. If you’d like to talk to my knees about it, I wish you luck.

I was very happy this morning, because immediately after working out and breakfast, I had a massage appointment; my first official PAID professional office visit! The client was from the wrestling tournament, and I’ve known him for a couple of years. Nice guy, and the session went very well. He tipped me $20, so I guess he liked my work. =)

(Lou Dawg, talk to me about this session, I want to discuss proper form about a certain move.)

After that, I was off to a good start for the day, and I went home and cuddled the dogs, and watched Olympic figure skating, and ate some more food. The sum total of my calories were eaten by around 530p. Not bad. I’m on 1701 calories this week. (Review: 7 calories x 243 lbs./my weight=weight loss calorie goal)

As I’m writing this, I’m actually at the massage office, on the office computer, and I’ve just finished a second massage that I also booked from the wrestling tournament. It feels good! He was appreciative as well, and tipped me $15! =)

People like using credit cards…I’m glad I take them. I also think that it’s kind of fun to be the person ringing them up…because I think the tip is higher than if they paid through a secretary.  I just worked on them, they’re handing me their card, and I’m looking right at them and saying “Would you like to add a tip?” But hey, sometimes people can’t, and that’s okay too. I charge enough that I’m not resentful if they can’t afford a tip.

Oh, something else really random, and kind of neat happened! My websites gift certificate function was used for the first time, because I’m set up to take credit card orders through there too! A woman called me and is buying a massage for her boyfriend. She seems nice enough…I’ll pull out all the stops to keep them as clients.

But darnit! She didn’t hear about me through my new ad! She just found me through google! When am I going to get a call from my ad in the GLT? Hmm…

So, today was a great day for me because it was exactly the kind of life I would love to have! I had a couple of appointments, and the rest of the day I got to spend quality time with my animals, and I have the time for kids (eventually), chores, errands, and to work out. I really feel that a high strung person like me needs a lot of time to stay balanced and do all of the things that will keep me healthy. Now, all I need is 60 more regular clients a month, and I’m set!

And so how am I going to get those clients? Oy vey…I thought I could canvas the area with some flyers, set up events with local restaurants or coffee houses, branch out to all of my friends who might have more contacts for me, and look in the paper for events.

I have a lot of success at special events where I set up a chair or a table and give 5 minute massages.  Even working for tips at those events is usually worth it. In fact, I remember doing this particularly cool “3 day special event” once that enabled me to buy my $400 massage chair & pay for massage school  2 months in advance!

I also need to rewrite the Massage Intake Form because people are missing the “Birthday question”, and the “How did you hear about us?” question.

Let’s talk about the “weigh in” today. First the good news: I lost 8 pounds and 2% of fatness. Yeaaa!! Did I win yet? That’s the bad news…I want to graduate now. It’s just an honest feeling…I mean, I’ve worked hard. On “weigh in” days, it feels like I’ve crossed a finish line, a due date, a marker…and I have. But it’s not “over”.

And how does a person lose 8 pounds, and 2% of their fat and not lose any waist line? Hmmmm….well, judge the picture yourself. You’ll notice a jawline at least. =)

Although I imagine when I get to maintenance, the “weigh in” days will just be about staying where I am…so in that sense, maintaining good health will be my “graduation.” But that’s not today. Oh no. That’s far, far away…oh so faarrrr…

I didn’t do my cardio today. I’m a bastard. Well, no, not really. I just didn’t plan it. I need to plan out when I’m going to go do my cardio. Jillian’s workouts get done because I know that I do that first thing in the morning. And even on mornings when I have other things to do, I “back time” when I work out so that Jillian makes it in there…I don’t do that with cardio. Cardio is left up to when I feel like it…and surprise, surprise, there have been days when I didn’t feel like it.

So, okay, I need to plan my cardio. I’m not going to beat myself up for missing cardio today. I worked 2 massages, and so it’s not like I just sat around. But I commit to doing 6 days of cardio in a row now. Last week I did 5 days of cardio, and I lost 8 pounds…but I’m not at maintenance yet, and if I break promises to myself this early it’s just a slippery gray slope to the bottom.

Now, since Jillian is only 20 minutes, and sinceher workouts are cardio, abs & very light weights/body weight in 3 minute chunks, I need to do cardio 6-7 times a week, I think. I don’t believe I’m working as hard as I could be without the additional half hour of calorie burning cardio.

On day 31 when I am done with Jillian, I’m going to start level 1 of my personal trainer’s workout that was designed for me. That workout series involves a lot of heavy lifting, and full out, tough as bricks kind of stuff. They are also 40 minutes to an hour depending on how “on fire” I am.

When I start with those workouts 5 days a week, I feel that 5 days of cardio is fair. There are going to be days when I am just exhausted and need to recover. Plus, the time commitment is greater due to the length of the workout and the extra time it takes to actually go to “the gym” which is 20 minutes away. Also, by having 2 days off, each week, for both cardio & the weight workouts, I can be more flexible on weeks when I have to travel, or when something unexpected comes up. =)

I feel good when I have a plan and I say it out loud and it sounds reasonably sane. =)

Well folks….tomorrow is back to real life: No appointments, no money, and lots of work to do as far as figuring out what the next steps are to get business in the door. I need to get some ideas rolling, because I may be excellent, but not enough people know that yet!

Oh, and I was talking to a colleague who says that a friend of hers in finance predicts the recession is going to worsen again…lovely.

Nighty night. Hubby called me and wants me to come home…it’s been a long time since I’ve received a call like that from him…=) Chat tomorrow.

Jayson!

PS. I’m re-reading “Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows” for the third time…what an awesome final book! Any “Potterheads” out there? Anyone been to the Harry Potter theme park that opened in Florida?!? =)

DAY 21: Busy, Busy, Busy!

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1.  Another rush job at the end of the night. I apologize folks…just living my life too much and not writing about it enough, I suppose. There are 14 things to tell you, I’m going to go fast, so fasten your seatbelts.
2.  Woke up, had sex. Again. What the hell is getting into me? (Bad choice of words…oh dear)
3.  Did Jillian #3! Here’s my quick review: Good, but too much jumping for us fatties with bad knees. The plank stuff wasn’t hard, in fact most of it was fine…even easier than the other stuff…just the jumping was bad for me. I didn’t work out as hard as I could have because I didn’t want to hurt myself.
4.  Oh, the evil move of the workout though?….scissor abs. You lay on your back, take your heels 2 inches off the ground, and then just cross right over left, left over right, over and over and over and over…my uterus almost fell out! Oy vey!
5.  Went to Ikea with Hubby, and had a great time! You know the best part, actually? The best part was feeling worked out, slightly sweaty with glowing skin and a sense of health and cardio still pumping through me, and walking out to the car with my cottage cheese and fuji apples in a bowl! I was eating healthy (and for the first time that morning)…I just felt FINALLY amazing and right!
6.  Like this feeling is going to be the regular feeling from now on. I’m going to walk around feeling toned and energetic, and eating wonderful healthy food, and it was sunny, and did I mention I’m getting prettier by the day? Whew! There’s my snapshot of that moment.
7.  Watched some figure skating Olympic stuff when I got home. That was nice.
8.  Went to a wrestling tournament with my massage table in the afternoon, and didn’t get very many takers…but I made a few bucks from the ones that tipped me! Wee! Gas money! Hubby used to belong to the group, and so I go whenever they have a tournament, and the guys always ask if I’m going to be there!
9.  Then I took a nap. Yes, there is still a God.
10.  I went to the Wrestling Party tonight, and had a blast. I worked on about 20 more people, 5-8 minutes each, made some more tips, which I REALLY need, and even booked two full massages for tomorrow! That’s cool! Of course, they’re from out of town, so they won’t be back until next year….damnit!
11.  Because the first appointment is in the morning, I had to get over to the office tonight, and put all the stuff back. That’s the reason I’m up so damn late. It’s four minutes to midnight, and I have to wake up at 8am. That means I have about 3 ½ minutes to get to sleep. Yeah, right!
12.  Hubby INSISTED that, on the way to the office to drop off my stuff, he needed to stop off at a sit down restaurant and eat, because he hadn’t eaten all day. I sat there and watched him eat right in front of me. All my food was gone by 5pm, and I have worked all night. Weigh in is in the morning, and I am not going to go over my calories….it was absolute torture. Not only that, but while we sat there with the clock ticking away, I could have gone to my office and put everything back, and come back and picked him up….I was a little annoyed tonight. He’s not evil, he just didn’t want to eat alone. Then again, I may have to stand up for myself next time. That was NOT fun sitting there smelling everything around me.
13.  So, I’m generally feeling good, I can’t WAIT to lose the rest of the weight…my face is pretty, so now I just gotta keep going on the rest of me!
14.  Oh, NO CARDIO today! Godamnit! I really wanted to get the Last Chance workout in today! That means that I have done 5 days of cardio out of 7! I compromised yesterday about doing 6…but 5? I am NOT at maintenance yet! I don’t have the luxury of taking TWO days off from cardio a week! AAAHHHHH!!! And with the “weigh in” just hours away! Well, wish me luck.

 In any case, that’s my day, it’s midnight, I gotta go to sleep now. Tomorrow’s schedule:

• 8am-Wake up/weigh myself
• 830-Workout
• 9-Shower/Eat
• 930-Drive
• 10-Massage

 Jayson.

DAY 20: Smart or Lazy?

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Sex ruled the morning. I just decided that the best way to move forward and start fresh is to be unpredictable, and to break old habits. As a rule I hate sex in the morning. Well, I broke that mold. Nothing magical changed in the universe, but it was certainly a fresh start to the day.

As soon as I was able I did my last day of Jillian #2! Jillian #3 tomorrow! Well, todays workout was bitter sweet because I went really easy on myself. My knee is just killing me, and I didn’t want to injure myself. I know that Jillian #3 is going to require everything I have tomorrow, and I wanted to be smart so that I have something left to give.

Because of my fatigued joint, I also decided that 6 days of cardio is reasonable, and that I don’t need to make up yesterday. On one side of the issue, I’m proud of myself for not being a perfectionist, for listening to my body and for being flexible. On the other side of the issue, I’m seeing this as the first sign in my cracking resolve (along with not writing yesterday!) to follow through, and I’ve all ready imagined my decline back into hopelessness and an early death. Which one is right? My god, I hope it’s the first one!

I ran errands with Hubby after breakfast, and I packed a big container of brown rice and black beans to take with me. It was cool! Beans and rice are very filling, taste great and are very hardy; they don’t really need refridgeration if you eat them within a few hours.

We went to Home Depot to stare at a bunch of home improvement stuff we can’t afford, and then we went to Bed Bath & Beyond to stare at a bunch of decorating things we can’t afford. Hubby ended up getting me some “light blocking” drapery for my massage office,  because I took half our drapes from the living room, and he wants them back. Hubby couldn’t afford it, but you know what? He made it work. I love him.

Oh, some more good news (besides all the PDA’s we had!): We made friends with a really nice gay couple. I just cold called it and bam, it worked! I was a little nervous, because it’s kind of awkward when you see another couple…long story short, I was brave and it paid off! I hope that we’ll last as friends. Hubby and I need more friends, and a gay couple is just awesome! Oh, and they’re animal lovers too!

After that, Hubby returned something to WalMart, and I went grocery shopping. This time I didn’t spend Hubby’s money! I spent my parents money, wee! I am SO not proud of this. However, I do believe that I’ll be able to change my entire life around in the near future; I’m taking many steps to create financial success with the ad, the office space, the website, the cards, the outgoing conversations wherever I go…it’s gotta just be a matter of time now.

When we got home, Hubby went off to comfort a friend, and I did the EA Active. Again, my knees weren’t having any of it, but I did the best I could. I wasn’t POURING sweat, but it was plentiful all the same. Only one more day tomorrow before the weigh in….Oh gosh, I hope it’s been a productive week. I know that I FEEL different…we’ll see just how different I really am on Monday!

A little later in the day, a previously unmentioned friend, “Super Asian” and his husband “Doctor Man” had Hubby and I over to their place. I had called earlier in the day, and asked if ”SuperAsian” could please give me a haircut. I am really poor (Still have the same $12 I had in my account a few days ago, nothing has changed), and I couldn’t afford a haircut. But I feel like I’m changing, and I feel that I’m ready to look a little bit sharper. Oh, did I mention that Hubby paid for my eyebrows to be done today? See what I mean? He provides…that’s how he shows his affection…how did I not see that before?

In any case, with the eyebrows and ESPECIALLY with the haircut, I look gorgeous. I mean, I look absolutely F&$#able! My cheekbones are back, my eyebrows are done, my hair is short, spiky & awesome! I felt SO much better! I’ll take a head shot tomorrow with my new body shots…you’ll say “Ooohhh, pretty!”

It was interesting seeing SuperAsian and Doctor Man interact with eachother tonight…they’re so much like Hubby and me! They were fighting tonight and it was really sad to see. SuperAsian was very dismissive and negative toward Doctor Man and yet Doctor Man just kept going back for more…trying to squeeze blood out of a stone. One was determined not to give anything, and the other was determined to make the other one give something. What a familiar game they were playing. That’s the same game that Hubby and I play, but seeing it in front of me was rough…that’s not what I want for Hubby and me. Our future relationship has GOT to be mutual…let’s hope we can grow that way. =(

Oh, btw, I call my friend SuperAsian, because he is. He’s beautiful, sculpted, educated, smart, sexy, and just a typical overachieving Asian in almost every way. He’s like some kind of Asian Ken doll…and yet, just like Hubby, he could still grow more. He has multiple degrees, multiple talents, and while I don’t know him very well, I know that he pushes himself harder than anyone else. You don’t get those credentials without being hard on yourself. And if he’s anything like Hubby (which he is), he’s never satisfied with anything he does either. He’s a perfectionist. So, SuperAsian it is. It’s not derogatory, or it’s not meant to be anyway…it’s just accurate.

Last 5 minutes of typing here:

On the way to a bookstore, Hubby and I hit a snag and had a little argument; I was upset because I didn’t think that Hubby noticed my hair cut induced, traffic stopping beauty sufficiently enough. What’s a girl gotta do to get some attention around here? I was jealous that he was paying attention to everyone else but me at our friends house…sigh…

In any case, I used this situation as a perfect example of what to do when we argue, and how to use words and a genuinely caring voice to help us get over little stupid arguments like this. I knew I was being a little ridiculous, so this was the perfect kind of argument to practice with! Yesterday he said he was willing to grow and learn new skills to help our relationship, but tonight he didn’t show very much genuine effort. I tried to give him some basic techniques for being polite, and resolving conflicts, but he barely made an effort. Although it was more effort than he’s shown recently.

I don’t know what Hubby is so afraid of. Talking and being poilte and communicating are essential skills in life….let’s see if he will step up to the plate soon. I hope he finds the motivation.

Lastly, I have to confess that it was 9pm when we got home. I was very hungry because I had finished all my food by 4pm today. I ate two veggie patties for a total of 200 calories or 190 calories over my goal for today. But at least my stomach is no longer in pain. I justified it in my mind because I was around 600 calories short yesterday…so for the week it will be okay. Also, I was in pain, but an apple woulda been okay too. Then again, it’s only 100 more calories…apples are around 100  calories…oh, it is what it is. No perfectionism, but be accountable. =)

Tomorrow is the last day. Tomorrow is when my week needs to come together, and I need to do what I can for Monday mornings “weigh in.” I will schedule my food if I need to, so that I am not done eating by 4pm. I will exercise to Jillian #3, and I will do a half hour of cardio as well. I will drink a lot of water, and I will not eat past 6pm. I will eat my goal of 1757 calories as close as I can, and not worry about being 200 over today, or 600 short a few days ago…I’m still fine.

Tomorrow is the time to focus, get back on track, commit to writing about my day EVERY DAY, and to observe, try my best, and treat myself well.

Sorry for the uncontrolled mess of a blog today. Even this blog wasn’t very good today. A laundry list isn’t very exciting…but I trust that looking back on this day will give me more perspective and lessons than trying to see the big picture while I’m still in the middle of it. Night.

Jayson.

DAY 19: Humble Pie…Yummm!

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(Editor’s Note: I saved a draft of  bullet point notes on Day 19, but I’m flushing them out on Day 20.)

(Note to self: Just write them next time, this is too much work.)

Okay, so first thing I need to write about is about what happened with Hubby on Day 18, when I came back home. I’m going to give it to you fast and dirty, and unapologetic. I’ve learned a lot, and I’ve had to be very humble…there are always two sides to every story, and though I sometimes wish that weren’t true, it is. What can I do about that? I mean, really?

Hubby’s Original Perspective: He didn’t miss me. He felt a lot calmer, better in fact. He doesn’t see that I contribute anything to the relationship, and a divorce is just fine with him.

My Rebuttal: We have a lot going for us, I’ll divorce you if that’s what needs to happen, but let’s make sure we’ve tried everything else first. I’ve felt the same way; that it was easier without you. And I had fantasies about being single, and empowered. But let me give you my vision of our future life together, and see if it’s something you want? (I describe an emotionally supportive, mutually beneficial life where our priorities are one another, not superficial garbage.) Hubby agrees that’s a great vision.

Hubby’s Rebuttal: That vision is NOT where our life is headed. In fact, he wonders if it can ever go that direction. He carries me financially, and he didn’t sign up for that. I act like a kid, and he picks up all the slack. I complain, I feel entitled, I demand, I am a pain in the ass.

My Rebuttal: You’re right.

His Rebuttal: I am?

My Rebuttal: Yup. You’re right. I’ve been blogging about coming into my own, being independent, and if you read my blog, I’m talking more and more about how it’s not fair to expect a paragon of support from you when you’re so burdened down by my faults. I expect you to take the brunt of almost everything throws at us, and to be tougher. That’s what you’ve always done. And that’s what I always assumed you’d do…but it didn’t occur to me how resentful you were about that. I don’t want you to feel that way!

And it’s so difficult for me to know that’s how you’re feeling because you never share your feelings, you just bottle them up. That’s what I was talking about when I said that being the strong, silent rock was what attracted me to you, but at the same time, those same qualities are lso working against you now.

What I learned & what happened: I took responsibility for really causing Hubby a great deal of anxiety, making him feel abandoned with all of the stress of the world on his back, and putting him in the position to constantly protect me from the harsher realities of life. But I’m done using him like a shield from life. In return, he’s going to try to be nicer, and to appreciate what I DO bring to the relationship.

The conversation wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t a Hallmark card…but we’ve agreed to give it one more shot, now that we really have nothing else to lose. And you know what? I’m glad.

It’s going to be so difficult to really grow up, and produce an earning, and to understand that taking care of me really is his way of showing affection, and also is something that I’ve always taken for granted.

But it’s going to be equally difficult for him to get out of his negative head space, and open up, and adjust his personality for those of us who constantly want validation from someone who’s never been in the habit of giving it.

We’ll see where this goes…and if all else fails, fine: divorce. I’m not scared of divorce, I’m only scared of missing the lesson that is in this situation. Every bad situation has a lesson to be learned, and my job isn’t to stick to my own perspective and beat others into seeing thigns my way. My job is to say “Where have I been wrong and how can I improve?” If I don’t look for the lessons, I’ll only repeat my mistakes again.

I accept full responsibility for how I’ve come across to him. I need to grow more. (So does he, but my responisbility is to take my own inventory, not his.) In any case, it’s kind of a relief that some of this situation is my fault. If it’s my fault, I can affect it, I can change it, and I can make it better. By being my fault, it actually improves the situation. I said to Hubby, “What say you give me another chance? You’ve given me 50 chances or so before, why not one more? Especially when this time there’s actually a chance that it’s going to work?”

Oh, and the make up sex was fun! But speaking of make up sex, I’m glad this happened now instead of 2 weeks ago, because my cardio is much better, and all that plank position stuff really comes in handy when you can hold up your own body weight! Oh, and reduced fat increases your testosterone! I’m just beginning to get some sex drive back! (Which really helped!)

So, I’m going to be writing up some solid things that I need from him and asking him for solid things that needs from me. With concrete actions explained and expected, evaluating if we are improving won’t be emotional or vague. It will be a “check yes or no” kind of thing. Once again, we’ll see how it goes. Wish us luck.

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I dillian #2 this morning…only one more day to go until Jillian #3! Today went fine…although my knee is really bothering me. I ended up not doing my cardio today…I’ll do an hour tomorrow!

I spent a lot of time at my new massage office. I brought a friend along who laid on the table, and we tried a bunch of different furniture arrangements, and finally found the whole room set up that works the best. =) My next door neighbor was there again: She’s still a bitch.

And can I say that this whole “working in a professional office instead of my home studio” thing makes me feel really guilty over the time I’m not spending with my doggies? I trust that life and work will balance out? How do new mothers go back to work? It’s insane!

Well, my office is all ready, but I haven’t got any calls yet. I mean, my new ad has been out for a whole day…come on people!

I have decided that I’m going to go around to the local businesses within a 10 block radius and hand out flyers and coupons for massages. Wee. That should help with business. Also when I give the magazine those coupons for trade, that should bring some clients in too! Oh, and Hubby reminded me that the SD Gay Wrestling league is gonna have their tournament this weekend. That always gives me a few bucks, and it’ll be good advertising.

Valentines Day on Sunday….damnit.

J.

DAY 18: I’m Baaacckk!

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Run away to my parent’s house in Claremont, or stay and duke it out with Hubby? Stay with more friends, or go home after 3 days and face Hubby? What was best? What should I have done? What would be healthy? Well….I decided that whatever happened, I could handle it. The break was nice, but it was time to get back to my life, and figure out what’s happening in it. So I woke up, thanked my pal for taking me in, packed up my temporary room, and went home.

Hubby was getting ready for work and didn’t hear me come in, and was surprised I was home. There was no gushy reunion, no sorrys, no I love yous, no tears….just a very reserved politeness. Well, I didn’t expect anything more. Besides, maybe Hubby was just shaken by the whole situation. I mean, I made a pretty strong statement.

It goes without saying that I’ll be taking a break again if I need to. It goes without saying that I’m willing to get divorced if need be….the person holding the gun doesn’t have to wave it around and scream…ya know what I mean? Just holding the gun is enough of a message…no need to march back home and enforce “my point.”  (And besides, I’ll take “polite”, because in a marriage, both people have the gun. Even if one of the guns is bigger than the other one.)

I asked him if he understood what I wanted. I asked if he could be polite, and kind, and thoughtful, and grow with me? He said he wasn’t sure. I said “If you don’t, we’ll be divorced.” He said “I know.” And that was that. As he was leaving he said he wasn’t sure if he could change. I respect that, but one thought came to me at the last second, so I said “Ya know…everybody can TRY.” He nodded.

So, I don’t know what will happen. And why should I? I’m not God. I’m not in charge of him or even all the way in charge of me. Just go with the flow, Jayson. And whatever is supposed to happen, will happen. But I have learned a lot about myself these last days. I’m going to keep growing and I’m happy about that.

Still, my growth changes what I need from Hubby. I need an upstanding, strong, nice partner, who is a team member…Hubby doesn’t do well on teams. He gives the orders…but that’s most men, right? So, don’t worry, personalities dictate that there will be future drama to write about. Besides, what’s a story without any challenges? Boring.

Moving onto the midmorning, I relaunched a completely spruced up version of my massage business website, and it’s gorgeous! Hubby texted me that it looked wonderful, and said congratulations! That’s some encouragement. He actually validated me…=) A sign? I hope so.

I called him once or twice, he’s being reserved with me…you know the signs…not saying “I love you” back, just saying “Okay. Bye.” But you know the awesome part of it? His behavior is not my problem, nor is it my responsibility. It’s his problem and his responsibility. It’s only up to me to decide if I’m liking how I’m being treated, and then to do something about it. There’s no fighting anymore, just decisions.

Okay, okay…enough Hubby talk. It’s just that I’ve been away for 3 days/3 nights…I had to use a couple paragraphs for the transition back.

I did Jillian #2 this morning…it was nice. I have to take little 5 second rests sometimes, but then I always tack on an extra move or two at the end to make up for it. (The bitch is inside of my head now!)

Remember when I told you about all the plank  moves? I keep forgetting to talk about some details I experience every morning…they’re kind of graphic, so make sure the kids are out of the room.

Here goes: When I’m doing jumping jacks on my toes from a plank position, and especially when I’m doing the plank squats, where your toes jump forward and back, I am so aware of my fatness.

There is this feeling of thick, slapping skin that’s moving on the outside of my body, and it hits me in the back of the neck sometimes. I can feel it jolt and move all over my body, my lovely back fat…as if I’m wearing loose cow hide pajamas, and I’m kind of just jumping around in it.

And during plank jacks, I look down toward my toes, and I can see my entire torso jiggle… my abs are tight, and it doesn’t hang down as far anymore…but to see man boobs swinging and jiggling…to see my stomach rippling side to side, as my gut flaps in the wind…it’s not exactly an uplifting experience, ya know?

It’s a damn MOTIVATIONAL experience though, I’ll tell you that!

So today was all about moving into my new office in Banker’s Hill, right across from Balboa Park! There are so many details that I don’t want to get into…but let’s just say that it was a “fun” 4 hours, and I’m glad it’s over. I’m as moved in as I can be…it’s a tiny little room, but I’ve made it my own. Just loading the car was a religious experience (cause I said “Godamn” a lot. lol.)

When I was all done, Jim said it looked really good. I also met the woman who has the room next to me. She has no sensitivity.

She’s smart, she’s a very smart asian perfectionist who acts like all of Lucy Liu’s characters: Cold. I was proudly showing my room’s transformations to Jim when she came over, gave 6 critiques and then said, “And that’s my opinion.” She didn’t have one nice thing to say. Not one! (Her room is a pigsty! Go figure)

And you know…I think she was probably right about almost all of her critiques. She was like, 90% right. That doesn’t mean she was nice though. Mind you, I’d known her for less than 10 minutes. Wow.

Talk about strong first impressions. What’s so funny is that I was the same way for a long, long time, and can still be that way. But it doesn’t feel good receiving that kind of treatment. What a good reminder she was for me today. Whew!

So, I survived! I moved in to this dinky little office space, and I’m waiting for my phone to ring now….all the gays who read GLT should be perusing the paper about now, sitting down to eat dinner…I haven’t seen my ad in there yet…but I’ll pick up a paper tomorrow!

(I’ve been typing for 45 minutes now…I’m gonna skim the rest of my day, okay?)

After the exhausting move, I went jogging in Balboa Park. Basically my goal was to keep moving. That was my goal. I aimed to do an hour of cardio, since I skipped yesterday. It was cardio. It was an hour. I can’t lay any great claim to quality, however. I had to keep stopping because of my right knee. It felt like it was going to tear out of my leg…wee!

But I did it. I went ALL the way….weakly perhaps…I did long side to side step touches for the last 4 minutes. I mean, come on! But I just couldn’t handle anymore jumping or bouncing. I think tomorrow needs to be a Pool day, so that’s the plan. That will give my knees a chance to recover a little bit. So now I’m just dead tired. I’m going to sleep well.

After that, I went and hung out with a friend who just went through a LTR breakup. And it was messy, nasty, yucky, icky! Throwing things, name calling, vicious words…I don’t want that in my life. We just sympathized with one another…poor guy. We’ll hang out more.

I gladly came home, and hubby arrived shortly afterwards. He seems to be opening up a little more tonight, and it certainly helps that I’m feeling so much better about myself. Like I said, we’re going to talk, and I’m open to trying to get close again, so wish me luck.

And don’t think I’m being stupid. I’m not. And I’m not taking a single ounce of bullshit anymore, that’s for sure. But I didn’t marry him because he’s an asshole. I married him because he’s a great guy, overall.

So, his challenge: See if he’ll bring that out, and bring his best behavior to the table. Because THAT’S the man I want. Wish us luck.

Thank you for all the support, phone calls, and comments lately. I really do appreciate it, and I will say again that it’s the best gift to not feel alone anymore. I have My support, and I have Your support. Thanks!

Yours,
Jayson!

DAY 17: Gosh, I’m feeling skinny!

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 Today has been a hell of a day. I woke up this morning feeling rather rested (my friend’s daybed isn’t as comfortable as my Easter King with the foam topper, but it does its job) and gosh, I’m feeling skinny! My belly is starting to go down a little more everyday. I feel toned, and tight, and my T-shirts are all starting to fit just a little bit better!

I spent a couple minutes in Wal-Mart this morning, so that I wouldn’t cross paths with Hubby (I still drove by him in the parking lot though), and the first thing I did when I walked into my condo was to hit it with Jillian! Woo! This #2 workout is still making me work! It’s not quite flooring me anymore, but I don’t think it will ever be “easy!”

I have to share this, because those of you who workout will understand: Planks are just about the most evil things in the world, and Jillian has planks for everything: Strength, Cardio & Abs!

The first plank move in this workout is called a Plank Jack. You go into plank position (a fully extended pushup), and from there you do jumping jacks on your toes, moving your legs out and then together. Out and then together. Woo, that burns!

The second plank move is called Plank Squats. You go into plank position, and then you hop both of your feet up toward your hands, and then back out to starting position. Fast. Over and over. Talk about intense!

And finally, there are Plank Twists. You go into plank position and then take one knee and cross it under your body to the opposite side, and then go back to starting position. Repeat with the other knee crossing to the other side of your body, and then go back to starting position. This specifically works your transverse abdominals…as well as everything else!

If there is a special level of hell for the obese, those poor souls see Jillian Michaels with horns on, I guarantee it.

After that, I felt pretty good though, and I spent some time with my puppies! Aww…puppies!

I spent a LOT of time finishing up giving directions to my web designer to make sure that the site is ready for my big ad launch tomorrow. There are endless notes, and things to fix…and a bunch of new things to fix from when he fixed the other things. I love the guy, but learn how to spell, darlin!

I paid my phone bill, paid Jim (the guy I’m leasing my office room from), and (drum roll please………..) picked up my VERY OWN KEY! I have a key! To an OFFICE! A PROFESSIONAL OFFICE SPACE! Woo hoo! I’m so excited! I wish I could share this moment with Hubby. =) I would, if I thought he’d feel happy for me.

Oh, except for one thing…it wasn’t for the room that I thought I was getting…it’s for the tiny one that’s next to the big office. You know what? It didn’t even phase me, I just thought “We all start small. And I’m gonna grow into the bigger space! I’m still going to succeed!”

I have a floor plan drawn up of exactly how I’m going to use the space and everything. I’m writing up a pack list as we speak. I have a lot of things to move! Yes, I’m disappointed, but it was a totally honest mistake on Jims part…he’s a nice guy, he just didn’t catch that I kept walking into the big space and talking about it, instead of the small space.

Well, it is what it is. Here I am using my magical abilities to accept the things I can not change, and to think that it’s all how it’s supposed to be. Who cares if that’s true or not; if I’m more serene about disappointment, what the hell does it matter if it’s true or not? Giirrrlll!

Anyway…after paying for my phone bill, and giving Jim the down payment on the space, I figured out that I have exactly $11.54 in my personal/business accounts, combined! COMBINED! Holy cow….this ad had better work! All I need is One! Just ONE appointment over the weekend will give me groceries and gas…that’s all I ask. Just one! Please!!!

Well, I did plenty of work today, I’ll tell you that. I spent over 5 hours rewriting my website, making it sharper, clearer, more polished…I even took a new picture of me, and I also took some other pictures for my website, as well as found some cool ones online. It’s all going to look a lot fresher, and more inviting now!

Oh, and I recorded my new phone message too. Now instead of hearing “Hi! It’s Jayson! Leeeaaavvee a message! BEEP!”, they get to hear my business name, and a very calm version of me telling them “Your table is all ready, just give me your name, a couple of times that will work for you, and the best number to call you! Thanks, and we’ll chat soon!”

Best friend Billy has been working on a show this week, and has been incommunicado (that’s French!); I miss him. He doesn’t even know that I haven’t been home all week. And he’s so busy, I don’t want to bother him with my drama. Well, here’s hoping that the drama is almost over, and maybe he’ll never have to know. Besides, I haven’t really “needed” him that much this week.

“You know, I think I learned something today“: (name the reference #1) I can get through tough spots without burdening others with my every trouble (except for you, my blog readers, lol). I mean that once I tell my story, and once I feel heard, I can let a lot of things go.

I don’t know if I was able to take this break from Hubby because I am stronger now, or if I grew stronger because I proved that I could take a break….I just know that I’m stronger now, and that’s a good thing. I don’t believe the negative things I once thought about myself, and I don’t need constant validation…I just need kindness from those who love me. “Is that so wrong?” (name the reference #2)

Well, after a full day of working on website stuff, and doing all these details, I cleaned up the mess I made in the condo, packed the rest of my food for the night (I ate to within 1 calorie under my goal today! Cool!), and got out of the condo before Hubby got home. I love him and I want to fix things…but a break is a break. There’s been no communication at all….a little strange.

I was very happy because I went over to another friends house…let’s call him Rattail. So, Rattail and I played Wii, and chatted about life. I ate my dinner over there, and we waited for Rattail’s husband to get home. (Who I hung out with a couple of nights ago) I was a little bit sad to hear that there is trouble in paradise for them…I know how yucky that feels. But I trust they’ll work it out.

In fact, I really got to thinking about how many people break up, and how that high statistic sucks hardcore! “Sad to be all alone in the world.” (name the reference #3)

I chatted with a good friend and ex boyfriend of mine today, let’s call him “Pookie.” What a great guy. I mean, he’s not perfect, but overall, he’s been giving me a lot of support, and listening to me. I feel so completely heard when he listens to me…now why couldn’t he do that when we were dating? Hehe…in any case, I need to be listened to, and I’m very grateful. (He also reads my blog, so I better stop inflating his ego now.)

I also spoke with my sister today….she’s a trip. She called me right after she got out of meditation class and then all of a sudden she started cussing out the meter maid for a ticket she got….it was loud, it was angry, I told her to breathe, she told me to stick it where the sun don’t shine….she’s in LA. Who can blame her? (I may have exaggerated this story just a little bit…but it’s still funny)

So now I’m about to crash one more night at my friends place. I was so busy today, I wasn’t able to do my half hour of cardio…so I will do an hour tomorrow. =) In fact, I’m kind of looking forward to it. I did think about going to Claremont tomorrow. That’s where I was raised, and I could go visit my parents for a few days if I don’t want to go see Hubby yet…it’s a thought. I could even take the dogs, because my parents have a backyard. My dogs like going there, and they get to be outside whenever they want…that’s a luxury for a condo dog!

On the other hand, my ad comes out tomorrow, and I want to be close by if people call for an appointment. We’re going into Valentines Day Weekend….I mean, come on! Busy time!

And speaking of Valentines Day: What’s going to happen when I see Hubby? Will he be kinder to me? What will we say? Will I want him? Will he want me? Can we turn this around? The answer of course is Yes. We can turn this around….I just hope that he’ll genuinely want to. If he puts in the effort, I want to move forward. If he doesn’t…I don’t know. “I can’t think about this right now…I can’t! I just can’t! I’ll think about it tomorrow.” (name the reference #4)

There’s still so much to do, so much to figure out, to say, to plan….a frequent client reward program for instance….but little details, little details….okay, I gotta rest now. My eyes are tired and achy…but you know, overall, I had a very productive day, and I’m proud of myself. Good job Jayson! =)

Did I mention that I’m also hired at another upscale spa? I know I did…that means that I am going to have a safety net if nobody calls about my ad….that means that I’ll be able to make money and continue to invest in my business until it kicks off! Sigghhhh….how do you sleep the night before giving birth to your baby? Well, I suppose I should try.

Goodnight for now.

Mwah!
Jayson!

DAY 16: If you got it, flaunt it!

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Hey ya’ll, I’ve had a surprisingly good day today. =) It started with waking up at 7a, and being out the door jogging by 715a. Because I’m staying with a friend, I was in a different part of town so I got to run around Balboa Park, and the dog park over here. Several of the dogs ganged up on me and gave chase! They would have got me had their owners not been so alert….that was exciting! I also got a better adrenaline rush because of it, and really pushed myself! =) I”ll have to try that again… 

After that I took a quick shower, and left my friend’s apartment when he went to work. I went to my condo, and waited for Hubby to leave so that I could use the restroom. Unfortunately, I couldn’t hold it, so I went inside. There was no scene, nothing was said, but it was odd. I really do need this break. But nature was calling, what am I supposed to do?

I felt good jogging this morning. It’s like the other day when I talked about life throwing curve balls at me…life is always going to be like that, isn’t it? I’m committed to doing what I have to do to take care of myself. I don’t care where I am, what resources I can use, or what I’m feeling: I will not allow those factors to determine if I take care of myself that day. 

The answer is Yes, I will take care of myself. Yes, I’m sad, yes, I’m compromised, yes, I don’t have any time…but I’m doing it anyway. And surprisingly, that attitude has become my anchor in this little storm I’m going through. I’m becoming my own emotional anchor? What is happening to me?! lol 

And of course bigger storms are on the way. There’s always something brewing, ya know? I mean, there’s always going to be SOMETHING happening; my parents have to die at some point, I’ll statistically be in another car accident…at some point I’ll get a disease…it’s called Life. Just keep goin Jayson! 

After a quick breakfast, I ran over to give a massage audition at the upscale spa I spoke of, where I will get to work with my mentor, and I totally Aced it! He only had one very small note for me about blending my calm styles with my more assertive styles…but overall, he was very impressed!

He said that it was one of the better massages he’s ever had (and he’s owned a massage studio for years!), he said my communication was great, and I gave a lot of really good information, he liked how I counted down the rougher patches of work, and he said that my draping was unsurpassed! 

He said that I was unique, and that my repertoire was extremely impressive, and that clients will want to have longer sessions with me, because I can do so many different and unique things! He liked my table Thai, and then he talked about how he can tell from my entire persona what a sweet guy I am, and that I was very caring, and a good guy, and he felt like I had a really good heart, and that it shows through in everything I do! I mean, WOW! What a compliment! And this from the guy who I look up to so much! 

But what’s up with this good heart stuff? That’s the second time in a month that a virtual stranger has told me that! LOL! I guess I DO wear my heart on my sleeve, and I guess that trying to be kind, loving, calm and kind DOES show through, despite what Hubby has said! I’m glad!

 
It’s just nice to be validated in the way that I want to be. I happen to think that “having a good heart” is the highest praise I can possibly receive…I’m just in shock that I’ve heard it so much lately when it seems that I’m not being appreciated at home. It makes me feel a lot better about myself! 

Come to think of it, my dance captain said that too, when I was on tour a couple years ago…I wonder what it is I do? What do I say? Hmm, I guess I’ll just keep being me, and hope that others feel valued and cared about. That’s all I want. A global mutual admiration society!

 There’s always something to appreciate in others…even those you despise. (Of course, that doesn’t keep me from despising them….I ain’t no Mother Theresa!) In any case, I’ll be working at that spa in a couple of weeks, which will be a nice, steady paycheck to help support me if this whole “starting my own business” thing should hit a snag or two. 

After my interview, I hung out with a really good friend/colleague of mine who is just about the most evolved person I know. He’s kind, loving, sweet, a Buddhist, and completely at peace with almost everything. He’s a comfort to my busy head too. Let’s call him Brawny (and he is). I poked fun at him all day long for being as awesome as he is…I kept saying stuff like “I’ve felt so evolved and calm lately…who do I think I am? Brawny?” He laughed. 

We talked some more, and we threw a Frisbee in the park. It was fun running around more. I am feeling like exercise is often the answer for not feeling very good. So, yeah! I’ve learned a new tool I can use. And may I apologize to Brawny here and now for being such an awful throw? That’s hard! Of course it was easier using my gigantic Nerf Frisbee, instead of his evil little plastic disc! Anyway… 

Brawny was very proud of me for taking the step that I’ve taken in regards to Hubby, and in recognizing that in being willing to let Hubby go, I’m living within the principles of the Universe, and everything will work out exactly as it’s supposed to. Neither of us said anything that was new, but it was nice to have someone listen, who understood, and will like me no matter what I do. He suggested I meditate. Good idea. 

Also, he pointed out that I chose Hubby, and that’s true. And I do take full responsibility not only for choosing him, but for teaching him how to treat me. I have not taken responsibility for a lot of my life, and Hubby has picked up the slack. Don’t you think that a person will feel like you owe them if they’re always picking up after you? Don’t you think they’ll get resentful? Is it any wonder that Hubby isn’t the paragon of support, lately? He all ready feels drained. Fair enough. Fair enough… 

On the other hand, the reasons that I chose him weren’t the right ones, although they seemed to be at the time. I chose him because he was better than me, and I wanted to improve myself. I put myself in a lower position from the beginning. I chose him because he was a solid, unmoving, stable rock of a man. And those are all the things that are now working against him. Go figure. 

And can I say just one more time that I really, really do want things to work out? I love Hubby like mad. I picked him cause he was a great guy, he’s got a great sense of humor, and he has had some periods where he’s been really positive and supportive of me, AND my growth! I don’t know if he’ll choose to do that again, but I hope he does! If he’ll choose to believe in me again, and to commit to growing WITH me, we can work anything else out. =) 

Moving on to what I did next: I spent cuddle time with my puppies! I LOVE those dogs! I took them to the dog run, and picked them up, and held them, and thought “I really missed you guys!”   

I worked out to Jillian #2, and this time she ALMOST kicked my ass, but I’m improving. I did some of the harder moves more completely this time; it was just the NUMBER of reps that got to me sometimes…so I had to modify a little bit. But overall, my body is adapting, and I seem to be having an easier time with it. Almost half way through the ten days of workout #2, and then onto #3!

   
Near the end of the workout, I started chanting “No one is gonna save me but me! I’m gonna save me! I’M gonna save me! I’M gonna save me! I’M GONNA SAVE ME!” I know the neighbors could here, but so what? I felt invincible, and I finished the workout doing the full reps at the hardest level!!!! I don’t think I could have finished like that if I didn’t go crazy! =)   

I weighed/measured and documented my dinner in my food journal, and brought it with me to my friends place. I‘m proud of myself, because I’m within 5 calories of my calorie goal (under slightly) for today!

I’m over here at my friends house now, and it’s raining beautifully outside. I normally love the rain, but this time I feel like the rain is raining to give me a chance to marinate in my feelings…and I just may do that. =(   

I spoke with my friend from the support group, and he’s also very proud of me for looking out for myself. I know that whatever happens with Hubby and the rest of my life, it’s what is meant to happen. And even if you don’t believe in destiny, the fact is: we humans are very adaptable, and I’m going to be fine no matter what. That’s reassuring, because there is another part of me that is still a scared little boy. =(   

My plan for tomorrow is to sleep in a little, and go workout to Jillian first thing in the morning. I didn’t do that this morning because of the job interview, but tomorrow will be a lot smoother. One more night, at least, of being away…I hope it’s long enough…for both of us.   

Oh, did I tell you? I’m going over to my new office to give the guy some money, get a key, learn how to schedule appointments there, etc, etc, etc! I’m SO excited! It’s official, I’ll be working out of a PROFESSIONAL OFFICE now!   

Tomorrow I’m going to take some new pictures, write some new website content, and finish up all the details of my business, because my ad comes out on Thursday, and I want to be completely done and ready to go! I’m gonna be ready! I’m even going to record a new phone message and everything!   

I also fixed bank stuff today: There was a long debacle about a check being held for 3 days and the funds not being available, and it happened at a really bad time, because I had to pay all my business expenses. But it’s all okay! Whew!   

Why do I talk about Hubby in this blog? Why do I share every intimate detail of my life on an online blog? Someone asked me that, and here is my answer:   

• I write because it helps me to feel better and to see things in a clear fashion.
• I share my story because I need to be heard, and to feel valued for who I am.
• I share my story because it keeps me from isolating. We all go through the same things, and by sharing them with others, I learn how supported I really am. I’m not alone.
• I talk about personal things because they affect everything about who I am, who I think I am, and who I am becoming through this transformation. Leaving out thoughts and feelings would not only be dishonest, but it would say that I need to be ashamed of them. And I’m not. I’m proud of them.

You know what they say: “The best policy is to live a life you could have printed on the front page of the newspaper.” I think I’m doing that. And I love myself for that.   

So, what’s left to say? Well, now that I’ve had a day away from Hubby, and I’m back at my friends house, I’m feeling very sad. Brawny said to meditate, and if I do, I know I’m going to cry…well, maybe that’s what I need, ya know? In any case, I’m glad I wrote about all of this, because I know that I’m being as open and honest as I can be. I’m not pulling any punches, or blaming anyone for anything. I’m just being honest with myself, and making decisions based on what I want to get out of my life and who I‘m choosing to be. That’s not a bad place to be at all.   

I’m gonna work out like mad tomorrow! No more losing a measly 2 pounds a week bullshit! Bring it on, Jillian! hehehe….   

Goodnight, and whoever you are, thank you for being a friend.   

Jayson.

DAY 15: P.S.

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Well, here I am, all settled into the guest bedroom of my friend. I got my overnight bag and my plan for tomorrow. I will get up at 7p, jog around the block for a half hour (cool new neighborhood), and then go back to the condo to eat breakfast. I totally forgot to pack my food, both for tonight and for breakfast (I found a can of tuna and a can of refried beans that gave my my final 400 calories…not perfect, but I’m proud of myself anyway.)

I’m off to a bar that’s up the street to hang out with another friend of mine, so I can vent and beat the wall, and feel a little bit better. It’s been a rough night, but also a very freeing night.

I HOPE that Hubby got the message. He seemed to. He was sad and well, maybe this break is just what we need to be nicer to one another. It’s hard enough being my own cheerleader, but when others try to tear you down too….it’s just not gonna work.

If I had any second thoughts about moving out for a few days, they were all dashed when Hubby came home tonight. I was exercising my brains out in the living room to my EA  Active, and doing a really good job…I mean, I was proud of myself!

He comes in, and the only two things he says are “Your Mii (virtual character) is really thin.”

“Thanks for noticing that Hubby,” I said, “He’s not fat enough to represent me. Gotcha. Thanks for the note.”

And then later when I was doing these KILLER jumping squats, he says, “We have downstairs neighbors.” Mind you, it’s only 630p.

I said, “Another negative thing to say? Okay Hubby, whatever!” He says “What?”, so I repeat it much louder, with an extra emphasis on the WhatEVER part….it felt good.

Like water off a duck. Like water off a duck.

All right ya’ll….if anyone in your life is putting you down, or trying to make you feel less than…if you have more energy than you know what to do with, and want to be validated for it; then go find those people who will do that. I have some great friends, and I”m very fortunate.

I write about this, because when your primary support system isn’t there for you, it affects everything. I couldn’t write an honest blog and NOT talk about Hubby. I’m not trying to blame, just to document. You know that writing actually clears the mind a bit. And besides, I have nothing to hide, and I’m not ashamed.

Like I said, Hubby isn’t a bad person, he’s just stressed. I know that. And I love him very much. I also know what I need to be successful, and I’m putting myself first when it comes to my health.

I’ll write more tomorrow. =)

Goodnight,

Jayson.

DAY 15: I WILL SURVIVE

 

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 Good morning!

 Official results for Week 2:

251 lbs (-2 lbs)

32.2% fat (+.1%)

47.5” waist (-1”)

1757 calories: new daily goal

 I did cardio 8 times (1 extra), worked out 7 days and I also blogged every single day!

 The only thing I didn’t do was my autobiographical writing…Which is just a choice at this point. It seems I’m more interested in my current life than digging up my past life, and that’s okay for now.

So how do I feel about this morning’s results? I feel surprised by them, but not ashamed. I worked very hard, and even on “The Biggest Loser”, where they work out 6-8 hours a day, they have weeks like this. I know that I lost an inch in the waist, and that my big weight loss in week one is often mainly water loss.

So….eh, I can breathe. I’m disappointed, but it hasn’t thrown me off track. I have every confidence that by sticking to my reduced calories, following the 30 day shred with Jillian, and doing an additional 30 minutes of cardio every day, I’m going to be in good shape. The number on the scale doesn’t add up to how I’ve been waking up every morning feeling skinnier and skinnier. It may only be an inch around the waist, but it feels like a huge difference to ME. =) I’m going to get there. I’m definitely going to get there… And breathe……aahhh…..

I wonder if my printer is working, it’s been funky lately, and I want to print out a new results sheet for me to check off every day. Well, I’ll check in later  ya’ll. I am going to go do Jillian #2, shower, get breakfast, walk dogs, clean house, and go to the magazine office to officially put my ad in the paper!!! =) It comes out on Thursday! Ciao!

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I forgot to write about doing the “Wii EA Active” last night for my last chance workout! It was pretty fun. It’s a little bit frustrating, because there is a leg strap that keeps popping off (of my giant, muscle, Adonis like legs, of course), and also my knees didn’t like some of the jumping squat stuff…that was some of the best workout part, but if I can’t do it, I can’t do it.

So today was a really, really big day for me! I spent some time on the phone, the internet, printed, signed, scanned, re-emailed, and got all 4 separate contracts over to the GLT, and committed to 7 months of advertising for $165 a month! It’s not a bad deal…everyone that I’ve talked to (I called them from their advertisements) said that it works really well! I’ll have one ad in there on the professionals page starting on Thursday, (that’s the one I pay for), the next week I get a slightly smaller one for free, then I give coupons to my business to pay for the 3^rd week (good deal, because that’ll just get more people to come in!), and the fourth week I don’t have any advertising!

I’m scared outta my mind! Scared, but excited, and thinking “Holy shit! I am really committed to this now! The money is coming out of my bank account every month, if it’s there or not! I’m IN this to win it! (Ala Hillary)”

Doing the math on it is cool though….it’ll only take 26 massages, TOTAL, to pay for 7 months of advertising…so if I get over 26 massage clients out of this, then I’ll have made a really good investment! =) Plus, the 3 weeks out of the month message will be quite repetitive, and should be effective!

My mistake came today when I wanted to share this excitement with Hubby. I know how stressed he is about money. I know that I don’t contribute much, and haven’t contributed anything (essentially), for the last 2 months or so. I feel awful.

So, here I am, taking a great big risk, a step that could pay off and give me my living (It only takes about 40 massages a month to make a VERY good living for me! If I can get 20 regulars, and the rest are just new from word of mouth, or see my ad, or whatever…I mean, the possibility is great here.), and Hubby decides to be negative about it.

First he freaks out about the 7 months….I explained about repeating the exposure, and how advertising works. Then I said “Look, this investment is what is necessary to make my business grow. This is the gamble that could pay off with me working a lot more, and giving you $1000 a month now, and pretty easily!” And as dismissively as he could, he says “uh HUH.”

That’s it. I lost it.

As I change, and as I see myself in a different light, I need those who love and support me to see me differently as well. I took a great big, wonderful, brave step today. I wasn’t supported. I told him he had failed in supporting me, cussed at him and hung up. Smooth move, Jayson.

Here I am, 30, and I’m hanging up like a teenager. But that was the last straw. I’m believing in myself, and that’s what I want to focus on. Look at what I’ve accomplished: -14 lbs. in two weeks, ad in a great big magazine, a deal with an office for my business, doing my own laundry (hey, that’s big for me), working out, eating right, constantly aware and trying to be kind (not always succeeding), and various other things. Oh yeah, forgot to mention the job interview tomorrow morning to work at an upscale spa part time with a mentor of mine (there’s MORE money, Hubby!)

I know what I deserve. I wrote about it last night, in my last blog. I know what I want. I know that I’m worth it, and I deserve some Godamn respect. I’m pissed, and I don’t have to take this shit! So, I’m leaving him.

For a couple of days anyway. I called a friend, and I’ll be sleeping there over the next 3-4 nights. I’ll come back to the house after Hubby has left for work, and be gone by the time he gets home. I’ll take care of the dogs, do the stuff I need to do to take care of myself, but we need a breather. Just a quick break, ya know? Maybe we can talk this weekend.

How sad it will be to get a divorce just as I’m becoming financially independent, and learning about being strong and believing in myself. I WANT my Hubby to be affectionate and proud of me. I WANT my Hubby to show me basic respect: give me eye contact (he doesn’t, it’s an Asian thing I guess), acknowledge when I speak to him, tell me what he needs/how he feels (he goes emotionally mute with regularity), and to be supportive. That means you think about something nice that’s true, and you say it. Generally to the other person.

So, the next 3 days of blogs will be amidst this whole debacle. And you know what? Life is throwing stuff at me, just like I dared it to. So, bring it on! You wanna see if I can care for myself while going through divorce? You wanna see if I can continue to work out even if my heart is breaking? Do your worst. I’m gonna win. =)

Okay, I’m going to go listen to some Gloria Gaynor now, and I’ll check in tomorrow. Oh, btw, I’m doing my EA Active right now for my 30 minutes of cardio! Wish me luck on my job interview tomorrow morning…because I’m not going to be here in the morning, I’ll just go for a jog around the neighborhood that I’m gonna be in, and then go to my job interview. I’ll do Jillian tomorrow afternoon! That’ll be a first.

Mwah!
Jayson!

DAY 14: OMG, REALLY?

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Hey ya’ll! Let’s begin my daily recap of my day. Overall, I’m very proud of the work that I did today, and I think it’s going to pay off nicely for tomorrow’s “weigh in”. I know that I’m not supposed to get obsessed with weight, or think that I can control it, but on the other hand there is a certain amount of normalcy with wanting to see some results when you’ve worked your ass off. I shall try to maintain that balance, but darnit, I’m EXCITED!

So this morning started off with some really beautiful things! I was rockin out to Lady Gaga and Pink. I have only recently discovered them, and OMG, they do some really gorgeous art. Pink’s voice is so amazingly expressive, and Lady Gaga makes my head explode with creativity! They’re both often overlooked as serious singers, but at the same time they are amazing vocalists, as well as artists who bring a completed work to the stage every time. =) .

In particular, I’ve downloaded “Bad Romance”, “Glitter in the Air” and “I don’t believe you”. Breathtaking. They really inspire me to keep pursuing my goals of becoming a functional  human being, free of my caloric crutches who fulfills my desires, creativity and passions witih theatre instead of with bakery products.

So….happy, energetic, bouncy energy this morning! I had some extracurricular cardio before even officially waking up…eh, I’m not sure what’s going on, I just live here. Don’t ask me if things are better or worse, who the hell knows? The only piece of helpful advice that I’ve ever heard for a person in love is “Good luck.”

So, after having a relaxing morning, Hubby and I were off to the Wild Animal Park! We’re big animal fans, and it was a gorgeous day to go. The rain has just come and gone, and all the greens were greener, the sky darker, and the sunlight desperate to come through in glorious rays that warmed up spots, making our gray world glow.

I packed beans and rice, and an orange, and it lasted all the way until 8p tonight, when I ate one final time (just some oatmeal with an apple in it and 1 oz. of cottage cheese); I hit my calorie goal exactly today! (As far as I can tell)

Have ya’ll watched Fantasia 2000? There’s a segment with a flamingo with a yo-yo that really speaks to me. I love that cartoon. I am that cartoon! That kind of unacceptable joy and aliveness is what I felt today…and for the majority of the time at the zoo I was just in amazed gratitude for the immense beauty all around me, and for being a part of it. =)

Oh, btw, I also had about 4 ounces of a steak that Hubby made. I’m not in the habit of eating red meat, but this one was prepared so uniquely…dont’ ask me to explain it; he’s the one with the Julia Child obsession…but it used some kind of brandy sauce, and broiling, and it was divine. I felt a little guilty, because it’s a higher fat meat, and I didn’t want to tempt myself with it…but at the same time I didn’t want to be a perfectionist.

So, anyway, I weighed it, I counted the calories, I ate it, I enjoyed it; yeah I want more, but I am not going to give into my bingeing desires. I can feel bingey and not give into it. It’s called being committed. Plus, I knew I would have to write about it on here if I did…and who has the time for all that damn work?

After the zoo we went to the gym! I had worked it out with Hubby ahead of time, and we both packed our swim stuff. I didn’t feel that I should be jogging again, because my right knee is still bothering me. So, in the pool I went for an hour! Now, it’s been a long time since I’ve swam, and even longer since I’ve reviewed my technique; and like I said yesterday, I’m not sure I could keep up swimming for an hour, it’s quite exhausting!

So except for 2 or 3 laps, I instead grabbed the pool barbells, and just jumped around for an hour! The whole hour! I moved my arms in and around that water in every single direction, toning every arm muscle, and generally doing jump splits in time to the Lady Gaga song was stuck in my head all day! I did lateral lifts, deltoid things, blah blah blah blah! I felt a little like I didn’t do enough, but at the same time, I could feel my heartbeat going quite healthily in my neck, so I know I was burning some good calories by keeping it up for so long! Have you ever seen water barbells? They’re funny looking, but quite effective!

After this typing, I’m going to work out with the “Wii EA Active” for 30 minutes. It’s nice that I did the pool, but I want to get my “last chance workout” in before tomorrow morning. The workout in the pool was amazingly gentle, and so, I didn’t feel as tight or lean as I have in the past. I didn’t feel that relief that comes from intensity, just the calm exhaustion that comes from swimming!

Oh, btw, I forgot to mention that I did Jillian #2 this morning (no Billy). I also played my own music, and I think I liked it better. It seemed to go faster. I’m still half and half with the workout. I am a god on a couple of moves, and the rest of them I modify a little bit so that I can keep up with good form! But I’ve only done 3 days of it, and I have a whole 7 day week to get better on it, and then onto workout 3! Ahh!!

Hubby and I have been on again, off again all day; we’ve been generally nicer, which I really appreciate. You know those old shows where the Mom and Dad are so ridiculously polite to one another, and they call each other pet names, and everyone is so happy? I have never thought of that as silly, I thought of that as what I wanted to create in my life. I know it has to start with me, too…which is the challenge.  If my partner believed in that vision too, there’d be no problem, but he is a bit more negative than that, and couldn’t validate me if his Mother’s life depended on it. So, what do I do with that?

Jillian says that a relationship is just a reflection of what is inside of you. Maybe Hubby represents my inner critic. Maybe he’ll stop when I stop listening to it. Maybe it’s not enough to change my own tune and to reach for the stars. Maybe I have to stop letting his negativity upset me. Maybe I need to let him go. If I let him go, I hope he comes back. But I want the best parts of him to come back.

He’s such a great love in my life. He makes me laugh so much. He’s supportive (practically), and he says he wants so many things that I want…he wants to have more serenity, happiness and love….but he has trouble doing the things that will get those results. His OWN inner critic abuses him, and I can’t get in between them…I know, I’ve tried.

In any case, I can’t be upset with someone for not being what they aren’t. Just because I can see the bigger picture doesn’t mean that either of us can live up to the hypothetically possible goals that I’ve set for us. Did any of that make sense?

It’s so much easier not to take “him being him” personally when I see the big picture. In the same breath though, I know that I need more. I need love and respect and mutual politeness. I need us to see the best in one another, and be filled with joy and pride in one another. And this sense of kindness needs to be something that is natural and comes easily. That is the man that I crave. Can Hubby be that man? I know he’s not right now, but could he be that man? Could he see me for the best that’s in me, and always remind me of it, as I would in him?

Who knows?

But it’s nice to say out loud, and without apology that I know the truth of what it is I want. I’ve been afraid to say it for fear of what it might mean…but one step at a time here; one step at a time.

Bringing it back to me: I see and feel the beauty, the power, the possibilities in myself today. It’s been humbling; humbling to know that this has all come about because I discovered my strength. I discovered that I wasn’t who I thought I was, and I was willing to let that self hatred go.

On the way home from the zoo we stopped by a café because Hubby was hungry and then we went to the gym. He had to spend a certain amount at the bakery he chose in order to use his credit card. He chose to buy his sandwich, two sodas and a full box of chocolate chip cookies. Bitch.

I recoiled, reacted, salivated unconsciously….then I got my head together, heard the movie soundtrack building in my head, and I walked right over to that clear plastic box filled with my old nemesis, picked them up (Hubby’s eyes opened in surprise), and spoke right to them, “I am NOT afraid of you. Just so you know.” Then I went outside and ate my orange.

(Okay, so I was terrified of them, but they didn’t know that.)

Besides, I am choosing a new path, am I not? Dive INTO the wave I say…no sense running from the inevitable. There are temptations everywhere, it’s inevitable that I’ll have run ins with them from time to time, right? If I have to be a little crazy to get through situations, I’m going to do it. Just call me Jayson Gaga. She expresses herself, and now so do I! =) I love her.

Okay ya’ll, that’s the gist of my day. I went grocery shopping and got some things, mainly produce, we stopped by a bookstore, and I read me some Jillian and her whole theory of “Slow, Balanced and Fast Oxidizers”…we can chat about that later, but it has to do with how we metabolize food apparently. I’m a “Fast Oxidizer”, from what the quiz says, and that means my ideal diet is to get 30% high purine proteins, 40% carbs and 30% fat…well, I’m happy about that part. =)

Oh dear….I may be crazy, but at least I’m cute doing it. Did I all ready mention that I got my cheekbones back this week?

Here’s to my last chance workout, and to a good, fulfilled & proud sense of accomplishment at my “weigh in”  tomorrow morning!

Thanks for putting up with me today, I know this was long winded.

Jayson.

DAY 13: RAINY SATURDAY!

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I LOVE the rain! It is so beautiful! I like trees and leaves, and wind & dramatic clouds…it’s all so peaceful to me. =)

Hubby is being stressed today…I will try not to judge that too harshly one way or the other. On one hand he’s completely silly about the amount of stress he’ll put himself under and how upset he chooses to get over stupid stuff….on the other hand, he’s the one burdening all the financial stress, and until I’m in that position, I can’t tell him not to get stressed over it. I mean, I IMAGINE that I could handle it better than he could, but until I’ve done it I’m just talking out of my ass, ya know?

I did Jillian #2 this morning…I did a really good job. No, Billy did not show up…oh well…=(  I’m a little tired, a little empty feeling…but hanging in there. Bill Phillips “Body For LIfe” (which I loved, btw), says not to eat until an hour after you’ve worked out, to obtain maximum fat loss. Jillian said on her radio show to eat first, and then wait for the food to metabolize, so that you have the energy to work out. I’ve been going the B4L way…I hope that’s okay. It’s kind of what I’m used to. Well, anyway…

I’m going to go to the library today, and see if I can pick up one of Jillian’s books. I really respect her whole presentation: especially after listening to many radio podcasts. She seems to know so much helpful information about almost every topic. =) Thanks Jillian! If I were straight, I’d propose. Mwah!

Because of the plyometrics I did yesterday (jump training), my right knee is throwing a tizzy fit this morning. So it’ll either be walking today or swimming…not sure I”ll make it up to the gym though….and not sure what I’d do anyway. I have had basic swim lessons (thanks, Hubby!), but swimming either makes me work TOO hard, or not hard enough. I mean, I can make myself work, but once the burst is over, it’s really, really hard to keep it up long enough to be aerobic…hmm….

I have a thought, I can go be crazy! I can jog, use the water weights, swim a lap, then jump a lap or whatever….I can work up a sweat just moving in place in the water….and have people laugh and point at me again….hehehe….maybe I’ll try it. Although walking in the rain sounds lovely too. =) I don’t ALWAYS have to push myself…I do need to recover sometimes, especially with a sore knee, right? But then again, it’s only 2 days to weigh in!

Speaking of weigh in, I looked at my week, and saw that I technically can add 127 calories to today, because I haven’t eaten enough. There were several days where I fell short, so the fact that I went over 18 calories last night barely even mattered. I went ahead and set the new higher calorie goal for today, keeping in mind that I’m a little paranoid about weigh in being two days away, and that I won’t be working out as hard today (maybe I WILL go to the pool…then I can justify the calories, try something new, AND feel awesome. I LIKE working out with intensity!)….oh, detailed little thoughts.

I’m excited, I’m going to go pick up my paycheck from the massage mill today. =) Yea! Deposit it, and on Monday, I’m going to the magazine office to start my ad cycle! =)

Well, I’ll check in later…but for now, I’m feeling very good. I had cottage cheese and apples, and I am still feeling my skin cooling everywhere, because of the great circulation I have started this morning! I have great circulation because of two things: An awesome workout and turning the shower ICE COLD after I was all clean, and jumping around like a girl screaming in the cold water! Boy, that’s good for your circulation! When Katherine Hepburn was filming “A Lion in Winter” in Europe, she jumped in the nearby lake every morning at 5am! She grew up that way! Crazy, but fun!

I’ll check in later!

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Giving myself 15 minutes to type here. It’s generally been a good day today.

I picked up my paycheck, realized that I will be able to pay for my first business ad this week (!), and still have enough for groceries. I’m very excited to get that started! I went to Sally’s Beauty Supply, and saw what they had in the way of massage cremes, and materials (not a whole lot, but I’m gonna try out their creme and see if it’ll save me some money)…what else? Went to IKEA (VERY HUNGRY) on the way home, because it was next to the library, and I wanted to check out any Jillian books.

I had a veggie wrap, which has made me a bit dizzy. Either I’m super sensitive to the white flour that I assume the green tortilla was made out of, or I’m just a drama queen…or both. I know tortillas are usually about 90 calories, and there weren’t that many veggies, and they were low call anyway….I’m estimating 150 for the whole thing.

Not really hungry anymore, but according to my calories left for the day, I’ll have about 650 left. That’s a lot. Maybe I’ll eat once more, and just go with how I’m feeling tonight. No need to shove food in if I don’t feel like I need it. That’s just as silly as shoving food in when I’m so full I’m gonna burst.

Jillian recommends eating 3 times a day, and having one snack. She said eating 6 times a day comes from body builders who had to get in a lot of calories and couldn’t eat it all in one go. She also said something about digesting all day, and having your insulin going all day can lead to a insulin resistant diabetes. Hubby says she’s full of it. Hmm….why can’t health be simple?

I had a discussion with Hubby about my blog from yesterday that spoke about the Food Support Group, and my thoughts on that. In a nutshell, he says that he finds my attitude worrisome because whenever I speak about empowerment or about NOT being one of “them”, I fall down hard. He says I’m just trying to avoid being powerless over food, and that I have only got results when I’m humble.

To those points I said: You may be 100% right. I don’t think that you are, but it’s quite possible. And the difference between the empowerment speeches I used to give, and the empowerment speech I’m giving now is that now I have discipline. I am practicing holding myself accountable for my actions, and making commitments, whereas before I just let myself off the hook whenever I wanted to. Whether that will last or not will be seen, but I have to say “Yes”, it’s going to last. I have changed. And right now, I can not identify myself as someone who doesn’t have any power over my actions, because I’m doing it. It hasn’t even been a fight, it’s been a joy.

Am I truly changed, or am I royally F&#%ed? Only time will tell.

The other thing he said is that for someone who says they can let go of things, I sure am hanging onto criticizing other people in that group. I said that I can understand why he heard it that way, but that’s not my focus. I’m not judging people because they are bad or stupid or whatever. What they do or don’t do to help themselves, ultimately is their own decision, and only affects them. I may be disappointed in them, but I know that my judgment doesn’t make any difference anyway. The thing that I explained to Hubby is that the reason I talk about the group as a whole, and the group culture, is because these are the people that are supposed to be my buddies as I work through my issues. And THAT makes what they do my concern.

My friend (who suggested I go back and give it a try) may not be happy with my take on this. It just seems to me that if these are supposed to be the people in the boat with me, and we’re all supposed to row in the same direction, then it is fair of me to assess if they have what it takes, and whether or not I want to go where I see the boat pointing. For me, it felt like the boat was going backwards, and I didn’t like that. The whole speech I wrote yesterday has nothing to do with judging them, as it is about me being selfish about wanting to get better.

All right, my 15 minutes are up for now…and once again, I may be completely wrong. But I will work through everything here. This is where I feel safe.

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I hate to be a party pooper at the end of the night, but my mood has completely changed. I feel kind of icky and super bitchy. I ate all 1890 or whatever calories today, which took into account all the calories I had missed during the week. I got within 3 calories of eating it all. In my last skillet meal that I made I had 2 pieces of high fat, processed bologna, because I felt deprived, and frankly I felt bingey. Thats the first time I got a bingey temptation in my head in the last 13 days. So of course, now I feel bad about it. And now I’m thinking about what I’m going to weigh on Monday, and I’m wanting to take it back and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah!

So here’s the deal. I had a “veggie wrap” at IKEA. Did I all ready say that earlier? Well, I did. We were out running errands all day, and I had a really big breakfast. It held me for a long time. But then it was like 5 hours later, I was hungry, so when Hubby stopped at IKEA, (it was my idea because it was by the library), I got a veggie wrap. It was just one tortilla, with some veggies in it, and I think a mild little sauce of some sort, although it might have been bare.

I don’t think that tortilla was whole wheat flour. I think that tortilla is the reason I reached for another item I normally wouldn’t have. So, that weird chemical in my body, added to my friend not being thrilled about my bloggin, and my wandering away from my support group, and added to Hubby giving me such a positive pep talk about how I’m just repeating the past pattern of blowing my ego up and then failing….it all just kind of hung around my neck tonight. I’m seeing myself as the weak loser, who is lost, and is going to inevitably fail.

Okay, so what does the new Jayson do about this? How does the new Jayson take care of himself, stop obsessing over the upcoming “weigh in”, and have an incredible day tomorrow, free from food obsession, or perfectionism? (Oh, btw, I also didn’t do my cardio today…my knee wanted a break, and I gave into it. See? Loser vibe.)

Okay, here’s my action plan, and I will be able to talk about it tomorrow, and follow through:

• 9am: Jillian #2 (Billy SWEARS that this time he’ll try his best to wake up in time! hhehee)
• Grocery Shopping: Apples, Celery, Dressing, Lite Soy Sauce (if I can find it anywhere)
• Website Work, various chores, blah blah blah
• Go to Library between 1p-5p, when it’s open to get a Jillian book.
• Cardio: One hour of jogging to make up for today. =)
• If it’s raining, one hour of EA Active (Wii). Hubby did that tonight, and it looks like a REALLY decent cardio workout. =) Plus, it’ll be different, so it’ll shock the body a bit, and should be effective.
• Another option is an hour in the pool. 15 minutes swimming with good form, 15 minutes of plyometrics & aerobics in the water: Repeat=1 Hour!
• Kick ass, focus on what it is I want, and do more writing.
• Do something nice for myself, like meditating, or lay on my heated massage table. =)

And my action plan for the rest of the night? Play a game, download a song, give myself a break. I am NOT perfect, and I am NOT a loser. I had 2 slices of bologna, and I didn’t really enjoy it. It tasted good, but I don’t feel good. It also caused me emotional problems, and I don’t need them. When I buy apples tomorrow, I can remember for the future to bring one of those with me if I’m going to be away from my kitchen for a while, instead of allowing myself to get super hungry and make poor decisions. Hell, I can bring two! Or an orange. =)

So, a reminder at the end of the night that I’m not perfect, that believing in yourself means that regardless if others “get me” or criticize me or not, that doesn’t throw a confident, competent person. I have no intention of giving in. This was just a test. And frankly, meeting my one year goal on here, and improving my life is the single most important thing in my life, bar none. I’m sad, I’m nervous, I’m scared, I’m embarassed, I’m ashamed….I’ve had all those feelings today. And with or without those feelings, tomorrow at 9am, I’m working out.

Isn’t that great? I love that! I can have any emotion I want, but that doesn’t mean I get to stop. I am working out in the morning because I have committed to it and because I have the power to say that it is going to happen. =)  My saving grace is that it is no longer acceptable for my emotional whims to dictate the actions that I will continue to take. These actions are saving my life!

I’ll write more tomorrow. And I promise here and now that I’m working hard tomorrow. =) I want to be proud of myself come Monday. I want to know that I worked as hard as I could, and within reason, I pushed on the days I could, and didn’t brow beat myself for not being perfect on Saturday. After all, tomorrow is another day! (Name the reference for brownie points!)

Night.

Jayson.

DAY 12: Still Goin!

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Yo.

Got up, exercised! Billy did NOT work out with me, just as I predicted, but that’s okay, I love him anyway. I have had excellent food all day, I have cleaned up doggie diarrhea, I have done laundry, gone to a support group (separate blog on that), and I am looking forward to the karaoke birthday party for a friend tonight.

Business stuff is moving forward, and I still need to do my cardio…I have got to find a way of working that in earlier, but Jillian just tires me out!

What else? Hmm…

Oh! I know what else: I’m looking PRETTY! When I suck in my stomach I can see my penis now! Woo hoo! That’s progress. And you know what? I’m done being ashamed of my descent into hell. It was hell, and I’m through with hell. I’m saving myself now.

There was this interview with a playwright about the challenges of adapting someone’s life into a show, because you have to add a theme, an arc, details that tie it all together, because people don’t really have those things in day to day life. I disagree. I can feel the rhythm in my feet, I can hear the soundtrack in my ears, I know the stage direction, and I sense the themes all around me, every single minute: Redemption, Growth, Growing up. These feelings are always right there, telling me that I’m doing fantastic, and nothing is going to stop me. I love this snapshot of my life right now. =) It feels really good to be so “on my own side.” I’ve spent so long fighting myself…and that’s no fun.

I’ll update again later.

Oh, btw, I felt SO good after Jillian today! I’m improving, and I feel “tight” and “light” and “strong!” Woo hoo! Sexy too!

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Hey ya’ll. Let’s talk about the rest of the day as it unfolded. Well…nevermind, some of it is too personal for an online blog. Let’s just say that I felt a lot better about myself and my body, and I decided to put in some extra cardio. That made hubby happy….although to tell the whole truth, I’m not sure how I felt about it.

Cardio aside, so much of any relationship is about how you feel about yourself, and how you think the other person sees you. I have been very disappointed lately in feeling like my own cheerleader. I don’t have an overwhelming amount of affection for Hubby right now. That’s just a fact, and all marriages have their ups and downs, right? Sometimes you’re there for each other like mad, and sometimes you’re busy and grow apart a little. That’s not to excuse him, btw, he needs to improve in certain ways…but I have a list of things I need to work on as well.

I’m hoping we grow back together, because feeling alone sucks. In any case, this unnamed experience felt like a reintroduction to the fact that there is a side of my life that I used to have, and to let me know that it’s still there if I want it. Question is, do I want it anymore, or am I too pissed at the lack of support I’ve felt? I’m such a woman.

Physical affection is so emotionally based with me. If I feel loved, I may express it physically. If I don’t feel affection, I go through abandonment issues and guilt trips. Though to give myself more credit, I have to say that I have reached a really great spot where I AM my own cheerleader, regardless of other people cheering me on or not…but I still notice when they choose not to. Do you know what I mean? I’m not acting codependent anymore, but at the same time, if someone isn’t into me, I don’t want to waste my time with them. I’m not chasing anyone down and begging them to love me. I deserve much better than that, and I know it.

I want to tell you about my jog now! I was SO bored jogging…I think I need to do some different things…swimming perhaps, maybe Wii Fit…the problem is that nothing else gives me my calorie burn like jogging. I tried walking fast, but no matter how fast I walked, it was still too easy! I guess that’s a good problem.

I found a sort of solution by tying Leo to a tree, and using the benches and steps around an apartment complex to do a kind of “jumping step class!” I went up and down, did high knees, jumping jacks, boxing….and more jumping! Jump training is what Jillian calls it. All of those kind of power moves where you jump 3 feet up with both feet and land on the bench, and then do it again? I just kept going, making stuff up as I went along. It was actually pretty fun. I felt like I was working different muscles. It wasn’t just my calves being annoyed by the constant jog, I was using all of my leg muscles, a lot of my arms, and I started to get drenched with sweat!

I think that when I can afford it, I’ll get the P90X DVDs. I hear those are crazy fun and very much like this, with a whole bunch of mixed up training that gets you burning like mad!

Anyway…I was proud of myself for stopping the jog, committing to this jumping around stuff and not minding all the people walking by pointing and laughing at me….WHY DOES THAT KEEP HAPPENING?!

The karaoke was pretty fun tonight. It kind of wasn’t “my thing”, but now I know what a karaoke bar is, and I KNOW my friend had an awesome birthday! I also met a really nice guy there, and we chatted it up, so I was able to avoid the microphone! =)

Okay ya’ll. Have a good one. I’m off to sleep because Billy has sworn up and down that we are working out at 9am. Tomorrow is Saturday, and I so I’m going to sleep an extra hour.

Jayson!

PS. I had 17 extra calories today, but I’m NOT being perfect about it today. I’ll simply aim for seeing how many calories I”m plus or minus for the week, and make sure I plus or minus tomorrow to get back on track for the week….oooh…only two more days before I weigh again! I’m not expecting 12 pounds, but it’s gonna be SOMETHING! I’m feeling and looking SO much better! Ciao!

DAY 12: SUPPORT GROUP ESSAY

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I need to write a very personal and in depth blog about my feelings regarding a support group for people with food issues that I have attended. I haven’t gone in a very long time, but a friend of mine whom I talk with regularly encouraged me to go again. I didn’t like it very much.

I have a lot of problems with the support group, and it’s really just about the people. I mean, it is about the people, but it isn’t about the people. My problem comes from the people not being able to see past the end of their nose. My problem is the way in which people use the group to stay sick. My problem is about people who really don’t have the will, fight or brains to get well…and how this attitude is encouraged, expected, and valued there.

The principles of the group are fine: Be kind and loving, don’t try to run the world, and let go of things you can’t control. Those principles are in every major religion, a lot of self help programs, and the basis for a lot of really helpful psychology.

This particular group often uses a “god” slant, where they talk about their various faiths, and how that helps them to be strong. For purposes of this writing, I’m going to completely and totally ignore every single theological debate ever thought of; putting all of that aside, I still have a problem with the general tone of the group on this matter. Let me explain.

The point of the principle that is being espoused by “letting go of things to God” is to not try to control that which you have no power over. That’s it.  Simple. Trying to control things you can’t control is not an effective way to live. It’s not rocket science, but people try to make it very complicated. They see miracles everywhere, they see gratitude for the things that come to them, they give all the credit to God and live very serenely…mostly (and only if they’ve done it right).

That approach sounds pretty nice, but when it’s put into actual practice, I don’t think it’s being utilized like it could be in this particular group. The point of “giving things away” isn’t to develop a faith in a God that is going to help you. In fact, that is completely beside the point. And whether there is a God or not is also beside the point. The only point of “God” at all, in practical terms, is to put oneself in perspective to the world. “If there’s a God, I’m not it.”

So, let me reiterate: Giving things away is healthy, because that is a fact, and that is how the world works: We all have a certain size, and we all have a realm of influence. Anything outside of that realm that we try to control is going to lead to problems.

Moving on.

Now for the fatal flaw: Giving credit to “god” for your accomplishments or your life. For all practical purposes, God isn’t there. He never shows up, never approves, never scolds, no matter what.  People go through many phases in their life (belief, denial, rebirth, questioning, etc.), and none of it makes any difference to “god” even if there is one. (Militant agnostic here)

The people in this group need to learn, grow, move, explore, and grow up. They need to find their grit! They need to take the actions instead of staying in those pathetic cycles…and the MORE they credit all the good things to something outside their realm, and continue to identify themselves through their weaknesses, the more they are going to stay stuck!

What I have accomplished, what I have learned is how to keep going. I have found butt loads of self esteem, commitment, empowerment, normalcy (shocking) & physical changes from my obese state. What I have learned is that I need to do the work. There is NO other power that is going to step into my life and do it for me. I’m the only one who is going to save me.

I am the only one who is going to say “I’m sick, sad, feeling awful, and I’m STILL going to eat my calories and work out, because in a day, a week, a month, it’s going to turn around.” That takes ME deciding to do it; the moment I start asking for permission or strength to come from outside of myself, that’s the moment when I cut off my own hand. I can meditate, I can calm myself down, heck-I can even pretend that God is talking to me so that I can find my second wind…but if I take action, it’s me taking it, not “God.”

Now, that’s not to say that the principles aren’t still valid. They are. Stop, look, listen to the world around you, go with the flow, know that it’s going to work out, this too shall pass, be at peace & accept your life, your challenges, and your mortality…let GO of all of the things you can’t control and focus on what you CAN do! Easier said than done, but worth the effort; and it’s not necessary to believe in God to reach a place of serenity with the world.

And let’s say that I haven’t found any real power of my own, for the sake of the argument let’s say that I’m wrong. Even if this current journey I’m on fails miserably; let’s say I stop exercising, and start binge eating next week; I STILL have issues with this group.

When I was going to the group full time, I was so depressed all the time because of the atmosphere there. People are sad, marinating in their own baggage. They are fighting, struggling, hoping and waiting for God to step in and save them, begging for something to happen that will change them and make them happy….(yawn)….where is the Godamn action?! Get off your asses, you losers!

I have been completely shocked by how much harder I can push myself, how many more results I can get if I expect them, and commit to getting them. In the past I would give up when the going got tough, and now I have a path in front of me, this year commitment, where I’m going to learn so much about hanging in there, and proving to myself that I AM capable. =)

Now I’m sure you’re thinking “Why didn’t you do something? Why didn’t you take action or change it?”, and the answer is I tried. I created a meeting format that was bright, happy, optimistic, filled with a TON of readings that spoke of solutions, actions….every instruction you could want on HOW to do what we need to do. People LOVED it! And then people stopped coming. And now it’s only a pathetic shadow of what it once was.

The meetings had a lot of readings in them about Anger management, Hopelessness, Step by step instructions on how to build a solid foundation…this is information that is never normally used. This is all infomation that is routinely ignored at regular gatherings in lieu of taking giant emotional dumps in the middle of the room and being passed a box of kleenex (with pitying looks) instead. Where is the Godamn leadership? Oh that’s right….there is none.

I had a dog walking meeting, a “Monday Jumpstart” format, a “Serenity” format, and a “Balboa Park Nature” format (which was a particular cool idea if I say so myself). They were structured, informational, educational, inspiring, motivating, positive & pushed the agenda of “getting well” forward. They died. Not enough interest.

And people didn’t come, because these particular people, in this particular group, WANT to stay sick. They need it. They BELIEVE all of the things about themselves that I have since thrown off. I was NOT a nerd, I was NOT stupid, I AM not stupid. I am good enough, I am smart enough, and Godamnit, I like myself! All of those beliefs, formed in the mist of childhood formed who I thought I was, and I grew up in chains, stuck within my boundaries, wishing I could escape them, but enjoying the unlimited ice cream within my walls.

I don’t judge people for being sick, I judge them for being complacent about it. If and when I get Cancer, Aids, Dementia, Diabetes…(who knows, SOMETHING has to kill me eventually), I will do everything I can to beat it. And when it comes time to die, I suppose I’ll be practical enough to accept it. But the moment I accept it will be within minutes of my actual death. That’s how I want to go. And even if the case is completely terminal, I can still try to be alert, helpful, kind & wonderful for every second that I’m still here.

Going to this group today was such a step back for me. I felt lazy, complacent, infantile, powerless…and I’m not. If I want to keep moving forward, I need to take what I like from this group, and leave the rest.

And like I said, they are lovely people, and the principles are fantastic…but it’s just not doing what it’s supposed to be doing. Maybe another city, maybe another time, maybe in the future…maybe what I’m looking for has never been actualized before.

Maybe I’m putting my own slant on this whole thing, and it was never designed for that. But you know what? It was. Read the original texts, it’s all right there! I can quote page and verse….only nobody is taking advantage of it, except for me (that I know of.) What good is a shovel if you try to dig a hole with the handle?

Jayson.

DAY 11: Back on Track!

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Hey ya’ll. I had a really good day, and I don’t really want to take a massive amount of time writing about it. So I’ll give myself 15 minutes, tops.

Okay, here goes: Woke up with about 6 hours of sleep. It was actually okay. I prepared my studio, showered, ate, and did my Jillian Workout #2! (The shower came AFTER that workout). She kicked my booty! But it wasn’t that bad.

There are some easier things in it, and some harder things. So, it’s good for me to get shook up. The thing that’s the most challenging is all of the plank position stuff, but I remember getting so good at plank in the past that I practically ate lunch up there. There’s this fabulous strengthening that happens all across your back and arms, and you just feel BAM! Completely locked into position. I’m not there yet…but I bet 10 days of this will get me close to it again!

I’m also beginning to think about what’s coming up. The whole emphasis right now is to finish the 30 day shred, and get to thirty days without sugar or junk food, etc. Cool goal, but what’s coming next? Well, that’s why I’m going to figure out my workout routines, and set health goals, etc, the week before the thirty days is up. It’s on my calendar and everything!

Moving on with my day, the massage went excellent, I have a new client, which is fabulous, and I rushed over to get my acupuncture session. This was my first session, and yes, it hurt a little, but after that it was surprisingly relaxing. I have also now experienced what it is that my pal does, and I can recommend his services.

It was actually quite amazing to see the comprehensive, custom made book that he puts together based on your individual blood chemistry. There are pages about what certain levels of “this” mean and what a deficiency in “that” means, and then he really educates his clients on how to reach their optimum health, not just avoid sickness. I’ll have to get the full workup some time.  For now I just gave him the blood panels I had from my last physical. =)

I took Leo with me, and he ran around the office, never settling down (that was nice of the doc), and so we ran over to Balboa Park and went jogging next! I decided that I needed to make up for yesterdays lack of cardio, so I did an hour here. I’ll just say that it was beautiful, as always. I had a good burn, I felt wonderful, and at the beginning and the end of the hour, we spent 10 minutes in the dog park so that Leo could take a break, drink water, etc, while I continued jogging around.

At the end of the whole hour, I REALLY felt good. I have redeemed myself from yesterday and gotten completely back on track! Oh, and the precut veggies are helping out a ton. =)

There is a good thing and a bad thing that happened.

Good thing: Mike, Bird Department, San Diego Zoo…Grrrr……super friendly, super pretty, and he talked to ME! I’m so happy. It’s not even lust so much as just having “someone like that” talk with me (as I’m bouncing in place…unable to move away from his pretty, pretty eyes). I mean, he was lean, with a great smile, friendly as hell (I’m a sucker for nice guys), and seemed really, really healthy and positive. I just kept thinking “What would it be like to be his friend? I wish I had friends like him.” I was going to kick myself for not giving him my card, but that can get really awkward, and for now I just thought “The memory of this will be enough. If I ever see him again, I’ll go for it.”

Bad Thing: I bit it. Hard. There is this patch of little tree roots that pop up all over the place, and I saw them, I was dodging around them….until I wasn’t anymore. And I was falling, and because of the slope I was on, because of how fast (I guess?) I was going, and because I immediately thought “Roll! Don’t get hurt!”, I tucked at the last second and ended up skidding out for about 15 feet with three very violent full body rolls at the end, landing in a limp heap. Sexy.

My hat flew off, my ipod ripped out, I had dirt all  over me (probably dog shit too), and everyone asked if I was okay. I mean, it was DRAMATIC! But all in all, not a single injury….just a superficially sore hip.

Three minutes left to type.

Great food, great exercise (I’m very proud of Leo!) , and a great day for business. I’ve done a lot of work with the ad that’s going in the paper next week for my massage business, and updating my website, etc. LOTS of exciting things happening in my life.

Oh, btw, did you know that 5 extra pounds on your dog is like 30 extra  pounds on a person? Keep your pets healthy too!

One minute left!

Um….gosh…um…um….I learned from Jillian Michaels that you shouldn’t eat carbs at dinner…it interferes with chemicals you’re supposed to get when you sleep! Old KFI AM 640 podcasts can be found at Mediafly.com. VERY fun listening to those again!

Love you all!

Mwah!

Jayson!

PS. Best friend Billy says he’ll join me for Jillian #2 in the morning….suuurrreeeee….lol

DAY 10: Couldn’t you just melt?

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Heya. Today has been nice and calm. I had a massage this morning, and I have another one tonight. I feel like it’s kind of an easy going day. I have to do my cardio, but I’m tired today. I don’t want to jog. What else can I do for cardio? I can do my Wii Fit for 30 minutes, but the trouble with that is that I won’t burn enough calories. I think something like Wii Fit is great for maintenance…I’m not sure it’s what I need right now. So, fine.

I’m going to take a nap. That’s what I feel like I need. I want to be ready to hit Jillian’s Level 2 tomorrow, and that means I need to be rested. So, here’s my game plan: Nap, Jog, Massage, Rest of my night. =)

I like my doggies, they’re great.

Oh, btw, I’m listening to old Jillian Michaels episodes from her radio show, and I really like her. She is talking exactly at my level. I understand, I get it. I know what she means about making the choice to stop destroying myself. She also says that it’s a huge part of success to understand that you’re capable of it, and to believe you can do it. It’s like, Yes! I finally get that. It’s nice…it took long enough. I can push myself, I can work out. I can work out hard…even if I’m fat. Even if I’m not perfect. I can get the results I want and that I deserve…that show has really changed my life. But it’s also just the cherry on top, because all of the experiences I’ve had have brought me to this point. =)

It’s nice to finally understand.

1211a (next day)

What an odd, odd day. Once I got up from my nap, and did the massage (wonderful experience btw, I LOVE that client!), I headed over to Hillcrest to go to “Guys, Games & Grub”. It’s a board game party once a month. I invited a friend of mine, Jerry, to go with me.

Three things of note happened there:

• I got checked out by the majority of the men in the room, so I MUST be losing weight or something.
• I packed my warm jogging clothes ahead of time so that I could jog around the neighborhood after.
• I didn’t go jogging…it was FREEZING, and I was tired!

I’ll tell you what I DID do that was productive though: I went to Henry’s, and got groceries! I’m so happy! After that awful towing thing, I had $1.40 in my bank account, but do one good massage, and I had enough money for gas, groceries, and half my phone bill!

I really like Henry’s because they have a huge selection of very high quality produce. I mainly go there for the produce, because it’s a little more expensive…but if you’re a vegan, or looking for sugar free, gluten free, whatever free stuff, and/or for people who have read a million books on healthy food and can talk about it intelligently, then Henry’s is your place!

I also stopped by Vons for the egg whites, cottage cheese & brown rice. They are a lot cheaper at a regular store.

When I got home, I spent over 80 minutes chopping, dicing, scrubbing out the fridge (I didn’t take a picture of how dirty it was, because I don’t want you guys to vomit), and I got all ready for the week (even though it’s Wednesday). Cooking takes me so much time, so I thought I’d try precutting everything. We have Tomatoes, Onions, Broccoli, Carrots, Apples & Celery all ready to go! Here’s the fruits of my labor (har har)!

Oh, btw, I didn’t do cardio today…and also, I was so busy, that I went about 6 hours without eating between lunch and dinner. In fact, I just had dinner 30 minutes ago…I underate by about 170 calories today…but I DID get in all my required food groups in their required quantities. Oh, darn, I just realized I didn’t even call my friend to let them know why I missed our conversation time at 6p! I was doing  a massage at the time. Well, tomorrow is another day…I’ll apologize then.

So the plan for tomorrow is to wake up at 8a, which means that I’m not going to get my full 8 hours. When I wake up at 8a, I’m going to do Jillian #2, even though I won’t have enough rest (uh oh), today was wacked with food (uh oh), and I didn’t do my cardio (uh oh!). Wish me luck. There’s no way to jump back on the horse, but by jumping, right? I’ll give it my best try!

Overall, I’m glad I got as much accomplished today, but I did it at the expense of my overall good health plan. I should be in bed 11-1130p, every night. Midnight at the absolute latest, and here it is 1231a….I’m very disappointed. I hope that I will wake up with amazing energy, and take on Jillian, because I’m not stopping. If I need to learn the lessons about flow, accountability, and time management, a couple more nights like this oughta do it. =( But hey, you’re not perfect Jayson, so just know you did your best, and you can do better next time. =)

In the morning, I get up at 8a, give a massage from 9-10a, then receive a treatment 1030-12p. After that, I can recoup. Although, I’ll be right by Balboa Park, so I better bring my jogging stuff, and just get it done tomorrow. I’ve learned over the last 3 days that it does NOT work to put off cardio until later. I only get more tired as the day goes on. When I go to Balboa Park, I’ll do at least 30 minutes, but I should really do 60 to make up for missing today. It just gets added to the week score, doesn’t it?

Oh….well, I’m not going to be perfect, but I’m going to be accountable.

Gotta sleep. Now. Night.

J.

PS. Almost forgot! While walking the doggies this morning, a 60 something, New Jersey grandma neighbor of mine told me that she thought I was very handsome, and had a good heart. Couldn’t you just melt? I was like “Awwww! Thanks!” Someone likes me! See? =)

Day 9: What a day…

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What a day this was. I’m tired, exhausted, emotionally, mentally, physically. The food just keeps coming, but it’s still only 7 out of 10 calories, so I’m losin weight…I don’t feel as raw and energetic, but I know that will come. Just kind of floating around on a cloud of wonderment thinking “What did I get myself into? This is day nine? How will I ever make another 356 days of this?”

It’s bedtime, but I just needed to write once more. I need to feel heard. I need to feel like I matter somehow to the world, I think this blog is a wonderful way of reaching out and not feeling alone. All ready I have someone who razzes me about being a bitch, and someone else who will play the “one up” game with me and be motivated. I have my emotional anchors, and my friends who check in on me, and all in all I feel really secure.

(Oh, by the way, if you haven’t gone back and read todays first journal entry, you should. I did a lot of writing today, because much more happened today than just my first entry. I don’t think this blog sends out emails with the updates, only the initial posting.)

I also want to talk about my family really quick. I haven’t sent this link to my parents or to my sister. I feel like it’s nice to have a place where I can just be me, and not feel like I have to tailor my message or censor myself in any way. My parents would only say something like “That sounds neat. Wow”, anyway. And my sister would probably say something like, “Cool dude, whatever works for you. I gotta go, I’m busy right now.” That’s kind of what my familiy said about my autobiographical writing that I am also working on.

My parents weren’t sure what to say about my personal writing. They saw where I was coming from, seemed glad that I got something out of it, but kept asking me what I wanted them to say? My sister was kind of the same way, but more defensive about it. She says that she was there during my childhood and has kind of moved on, so she doesn’t like how my writings stir things up for her. (She didn’t say that exactly, but I read between the lines.) Both parties were kind of like, “What’s the point?”

The point. Ah…everybody has a point. (Great movie)

The point is, I want to be heard. I’ve felt like I’ve been ignored and neglected. I never believed in my voice before, so it’s a wonderful thing for me to simply express myself. My family doesn’t understand. I don’t have to have a point. I don’t want them to say things out of obligation. I want honest, emotional feedback. Anger, laughter, sadness…whatever. I suppose I want them to like me too, not just as a son or a brother, but to know who I am as a person, outside of those roles.

btw, Hubby is like that too. He’s so overwhelmed by me, in general, the last thing he wants is to read more of it. I feel for the guy, but then again, it’s nice to have a safe place of my own.

Well, that’s all for tonight I guess. Maybe in the future, if I make it past the year, I’ll share what I’m doing with them. Until then I can be selfish. I have created this space online where I can escape and feel valued…I don’t have to share it with anyone who doesn’t want it or doesn’t get it.

I just want to be gotten. Get it? Ah, my fellow bloggers, I bet you DO get it.

Nighty night, last day of Level 1 in the morning.

zzzzZZZZZZZzzzZJZZZZ

DAY 9: My First Struggle

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Today is my first day where I am struggling. I expected it, because it always happens after reaching  a milestone. I spoke about it a little bit yesterday. I have lost 12 pounds, and I’m 3 months away (at 5.8 pounds a week) from being a skinny bitch. That’s almost too easy. My whole body is saying “Enough is enough. Go get Jack In the Box!”

I got up this morning, and I worked out to Jillian. Only one more day on level one, and I’ll be onto Level 2 on Thursday. But I feel TIRED! I am ever so slightly dizzy, I feel like I’m still partially asleep, and my emotions are down and depressed feeling. I’m kind of angry and annoyed, like when you wake someone up at 3am. I didn’t want to work out. I’m absolutely astounded that I did, and I’m waiting for my body to get in tune with what my head is telling me to do.

I am wondering if the whole grit and determination thing works or not. I’m betting that it does work. I have never gone through these feelings before and arrived on the other side; normally I just give into them and stop my progress forward. Well, I have a new weapon: this blog. I get to talk about those feelings, and report on what I ended up choosing to do.

So, like I said, I’m all worked out, and I am going to go jogging right now. Leo is ecstatic because he sees his harness! =) But once again, I want to say that emotionally (which is nothing but chemicals and, theoretically, have nothing to do with committments I’ve made) I’m NOT in the mood. But I’m going to do the work anyway, and see if I can change that feeling.

Oh, and btw, the fewer calories still feels like a million. I’m amazed I can be full on the amount of calories I’m on this week, 1771. Spread out through the day and being made up of 3 servings of protein, 4 servings of fruits and vegetables, 2 servings of whole grain and 200 extra calories; I haven’t really been hungry.

Wish me Happy Jogging, and I’ll report later.

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There’s a wonderful saying that says, “If you think you’ve solved all your issues, go spend a day with your Mother.”

There should be another saying, “If you think you’ve solved all your issues, see how you feel when your car gets towed.”

I forgot to move my car over one spot last night and bam! I realized it was gone. $263 bucks to get it back. Don’t have the money to pay? That’s okay, they can hold it for you for only $39 more a night. If I allow myself only one sentence to express all of the rage, disappointment, pity poor me stuff, I would actually just ask “What the hell do they do with all that money, and why is it so expensive? What are they raising money for? Do the billions of dollars collected annually at least go to help charities or something? Letting a car sit overnight doesn’t cost them ANYTHING? I am Extremely concerned about the monopoly that agencies have when it comes to our cars.”

So the next part of my day was spent dealing with my stupid, stupid mistake.

All those shifts I worked at the spa? Gone.

All those tips I saved up for 2 weeks? Gone.

All the capital I needed to advertise and get out of the massage mill? Gone.

Gas money? Gone.

Food money? Gone.

Money for my phone bill, so people can call me and schedule massages? Gone.

I was SO frustrated, and immediately thought “Hey, I’ll have something to write about now! Here’s my first real challenge, and on the same day that I felt my first emotional challenge!”

I know you may be asking yourself, what does needing money have to do with losing weight? EVERYTHING. It’s called stress eating. And I’m very, very good at it. If I feel hopeless about something I don’t pass go, I don’t collect $200, I just go straight to the fridge, end of story, amen, goodnight, see ya in a few months.

But I didn’t eat over it today. I cussed, I jumped around, I screamed at the Gods, and then I got to work. I needed money, so where was it going to come from? I checked my bank account, I checked my business account, I checked my joint account….all added together I was still about $14 short. (Pathetic, I know)

My paycheck from the massage mill didn’t come through yet, and I didn’t know what I was going to do! I just want to say some very brief words here about Hubby. The other night when I talked to him about what he is doing to support me, and what he is not doing to support me, I asked him to name the ways in which he thinks he is helping me. All of the things he named were based on money. He pays for things. He is my safety net, he carries me, and even though I have great ambitions, I’m not able to pay my own way yet, in a lot of ways.

I told him that I wanted more. I wanted him to show me love in a way that I can understand it. I told him that money doesn’t matter…and do you know what he said? He said that the only reason I say that is because I’ve never been for want of it. I scoffed. Well, scoff no longer. I can’t even tell you the panicky feelings that went through me, and how hard I beat myself up for this dumb mistake that turned a month worth of hard work into “back to square one, start over” scenario.

Hubby may not be very touchy feely, he may not say poetic things, he may just act like a typical married guy, completely clueless about the kind of romance that I say I need…but when the chips are down on the necessities, he comes through every single time. And without me even asking. He really is from Mars, and funny enough, I’m really from Venus. But you knew that all ready, I’m sure.

Long story short, it was his rolled coins that saved me. Enough to cover the deficit. Yes. Money, that commodity I said didn’t matter, was the thing I needed today, and because of his planning, there was money to help me.

 After realizing that every cent I have would be gone, and somehow being at peace with that (I’m smart, I know that there is no pain except through a painful perspective), I thought to myself, “Well, I needed to get my cardio in anyway…and the tow site is a good 4 miles away on a big, industrial, noisy, hot street…I bet I can jog that in about 30 minutes! Oh, Leo!”

And off we went! Leo was so happy…for the first 10 minutes. But realizing that I was dragging a little dog to keep up with a jogging person who’s legs were 6 times longer made me feel sorry for him…so up he went on my shoulder, bouncing away, looking backwards over my shoulder as I held onto his bootie, and he clawed into my clavicle. All the cars zooming past me got to see him staring at them, and all the people at the car wash I passed pointed and laughed. That’s okay, they can laugh…Leo needed a break. Boy, I wish I had  my camera for that one.

Halfway there we passed a busy intersection, and we had to wait at the light for it to turn green. There was a haggard old homeless lady holding up a sign, and her mean looking face turned soft when she saw Leo. He ran right up to her, and she smiled a half toothless smile, and bent down and pet him. As I jogged in place, worrying that she’d give him some disease (horrible, aren’t I?), I thought to myself, “I bet Leo gets better care than she does.” Leo was wearing GAP, after all.

And I thought, “I’m stressed about paying for a car tow, which I somehow managed, for a car that I own, to drive back to my condo, to write about this on my computer…” and the list of all the things I have, and am blessed with just went on and on and on. It kind of put my problems in perspective.

The run started to feel so good, which was completely shocking by the way, that I started talking to myself really loud. I felt so inspired. “You can do this Jayson! You ARE doing it! You can bust through any stupid feeling. Car towed? Fine. Mom dies? Fine. House on fire? Fine.  Bring it on life, throw your worst at me! I will not stop! I’m going to get through today, and I’m going to look back and LAUGH at this. Bring your challenges, I’m up for them. I’m not going to let anything throw me off course this time! I’m on my way to being better, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me! I’m going to WIN!” Boy that felt great to get all of that out!

Unknown to me at the time were the two other jogging women who then passed by me ….they were giggling at me. Ssiiigghh…

23 minutes later, we arrived at the towing place, 7 minutes ahead of time. So, I tied Leo to the fence, and did jumping jacks, jump rope, knees up, butt kicks, ran in place, ran in circles, big bounces, fast bounces…whatever I had to do to burn up that 7 minutes. I was SO warm, just like the other night, I just kept exercising, and exercising, and waved to the cars passing me by who thought I was crazy, smiled at the tow yard guys who were pointing and laughing (there’s a lot of public humiliation in jogging I’ve discovered), and got all the way to my 30 minutes.

 I got my car, after talking to the tow yard lady, (I pity her! She has to deal with upset people all day, every day. She has some stories, let me tell you!), but realized that I shouldn’t have been so cavalier about challenging the universe. In fact, let me just say that it was a bad idea on my part…but what’s done is done.

I’m lycdexic, and I miscalculated the amount of money I had with me. But after speeding home (in my car), and pulling MORE rolled coin, and getting it to the bank, I’ve avoided the overdraft fee….again. That was just life’s way of humbling me, and saying “Glad you’re feeling better, but show some respect buddy.”

I was humbled once more when I spoke with a friend of mine who said that they are concerned about me. They would like me to go to a support group for people with food issues, and I said I’d go. But that is going to open a whole can of worms, emotionally. That’s okay though. That’s just one more challenge, right? I can always talk about my feelings right here, and be heard.

LESSONS LEARNED TODAY:

1. Details matter. One parking space over doesn’t cut it.

2. I can turn bad things into opportunities. (Jogging to tow yard)

3. Don’t get cocky, get grateful.

4. Hubby deserves a lot of credit for being the tremendous shield against life’s harsher realities. He may not love me the way that I want, but he does love me with things that I truly do need.

5. Being tired and “not in the mood” for exercise doesn’t mean I have an excuse, it means I have a challenge. And challenges are what make me strong.

I’m exhausted, but I’m going to go take a shower, look nice, and do something fun with Hubby when he gets home. Things have been too heavy lately. I’m getting healthy so I can enjoy my life…that means I have to strengthen the things in my life that are worth living for. =)

Thank you for being here.

Jayson.

PS. PLEASE DON”T MAKE ME EAT ANYMORE! I’ve been stuffed ALL day! Do you KNOW how MUCH food 1771 calories is when you’re eating beans, vegetables and tofu? OMG! It’s like the number never goes down, no matter how much I eat! I’ve eaten no less than 7 times today, and I STILL have another 167 calories to go tonight! LOL! I’m complaining, right? Holy cow! What is this, the Twilight Zone?

DAY 8: Part 2, The Fire & the Wood

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I have some very heavy things on my mind, and I wanted to talk about them so that I can go to sleep. I find that when I don’t express what’s in my heart, I carry it around in my stomach instead. I feel like the burdens I carry are heavy enough to prevent my happiness, until I remind myself that that is a choice, and I don’t have to give my problems such power. That is often easier said than done.

My Dad told me a story growing up…in fact, he spoke in story and analogy…I’m not sure he ever said a direct thing in his life. Well, nothing important anyway. All of the deep lessons he taught were given like the following:

THE FIREWOOD STORY:

There was a man once who was very cold, and the night was only getting colder. He was sure that he would die from the cold unless he stayed near the campfire. But as the time went by, the fire began to die out, even though the cold grew worse.

So the man picked up the firewood and said to the fire, “I will give you some wood if you’ll first get hotter!” But the fire didn’t listen.

In a little while, the fire grew even weaker, and the man again picked up several sticks of firewood and now commanded the fire “Save me from the cold! And I shall reward you with all the firewood you could ever want!” But the fire didn’t listen.

Then finally, when the fire was almost out completely, the man picked up the firewood and said “This is your last chance!  I demand that you come back to life and warm me up!” But the fire didn’t listen, and so his body had to give in to the cold, and it killed him.

THE MORAL:
My Dad told me that so often when we are in relationships, we demand that others give to us, without considering what their needs are. I can’t expect others to give what they don’t have, or to give when they only have enough for themselves…I have to give first, and give often that which I would receive myself….and I think for the most part that’s true.

I don’t want this to be a 40 minute blog, so I’m going to skim through the rest of the stuff on my mind, but I’m glad that I set the blog up right, because it plays into all the things that are weighing me down tonight.

It’s amazing to me that my ancient dog, Max, can still go up and down stairs, but he can. He doesn’t like to work that hard, but he can go up and down stairs quite competently. And Leo, the young doggie can keep up with me on my jogs, even though my legs are 6 times longer than his…and do you know what magical thing they need to accomplish these feats? Encouragement. They need to be fed, just like the fire.

When Leo is falling behind, I call out, “You can do it Leo! You’re a good boy!” and amazingly he speeds up! When Max is looking at the staircase, and then at me like I’m crazy to ask him, I put my hands on either side of his back legs, and he starts to climb. Depending on the day, I usually don’t even help him at all, but he would never start climbing if my hands weren’t there. He just needs to know that I’m there for him, and that he’s not alone.

It’s amazing to me how human my dogs are. They perfectly represent what it’s like to give and receive love and encouragement. It is literally a psychological switch in their head that makes they think and act differently depending on how emotionally supported they feel.

Hubby is not currently feeding the fire of our relationship. I’m not going to go into it much more than that, because there is a time and a place for everything, but in terms of how that dynamic affects me recovery from food addiction, I have to speak about it as the fact that it is, without shame or blame. Or as I say “Blame and gain.” And I have no intention of carrying negative feelings around with me anymore.

Hubby is my complete opposite. It’s remarkable how completely unalike we are. I’m outgoing, direct, carefree, animated, put feelings & self exploration first, romantic, reach out to others, work best in teams & need and give a lot of praise.

 Hubby is the opposite. He is introverted, indirect, worried, reserved, puts money & dependability first, sexually charged, depends on himself, works best alone & doesn’t need or give any praise…in fact, he seems to thrive on never being good enough.

What I have learned is that he is who he is. And I chose him for a reason. Good reason, bad reason, indifferent reason; it doesn’t matter anymore what the reasons were. What matters now is to understand and accept him. I can no longer harbor negative feelings around not receiving what he is not capable of giving. It’s been a long journey to this spot, but it’s a hard lesson to swallow.

I am completely fascinated by him…he is actually reading a biomedical chemical software engineering programming manual and absorbing it. He was sitting in bed earlier, just devouring that book, like I devour Anne Rice novels! Well…I love him. I don’t know if we are going to last 50 years, but that decision isn’t for here and now. And besides, right now I could see both scenarios.

 On the other side of the coin, moving away from talking about him, and focusing instead on myself; I have learned to feel what my worth is, and to give myself that which I need most. I encourage myself, fight for myself, my value in the world, and in the relationship. I put my own basic needs first, so that I may be a better partner/friend/relative. I don’t do anyone any good by diminishing myself.

I realized something when I went on this walk tonight at 11p…I am committed to saving myself! The strength of my conviction is so much stronger than I have ever known myself to be. It’s calming to know that for once, I am on my side. I always said I was on my side, I thought I was on my side…but to be so sure that I’m going to fight for what I need and deserve is a true gift.

I am all ready long winded, and I need to go to bed. But basically, the theme is about Independence. I am becoming a different person through this experience. I am becoming  a person with grit and determination, and I hope it lasts. I am only on day 8….even though I’ve never felt such strong determination before, I don’t know if it is strong enough to survive another cycle of mine. I always start out strong, and then come 3-4 months (tops), and I’m down in the gutter eating boxes of sugar again.

But here’s one more thought that I have come to recently; I even wrote an essay on it (perhaps I’ll post it here):

In looking back at my life, my childhood and all the thoughts, feelings & experiences that formed my opinion of myself and who I was, I have decided that I was WRONG. I put limitations on myself that weren’t real. I believed that I was the fat, gay nerd. I bought into the identity of a flirty, stupid bimbette. I am the one who shortchanged myself.

If for one day an impression was true, or I made a decision that was stupid or nerdy, then for that moment I was a nerd or even stupid. But in the next moment I get to start all over again. If my parents treated me in a way that made me feel insecure, then in that moment I am insecure. If I say that I’m insecure as an adult because of my past, that’s not true. Every day I have a choice about who I am, and what I will choose to believe. The moment that abuse happens to me, I may be a victim, but if I continue to carry around that abuse every day, and re-inform myself every morning when I wake up that I am a victim, then I’m only abusing myself.

Every single day I have the responsibility and the power to choose who I am, and what I believe about myself. It is an awesome power that I am only beginning to utilize, but it’s all ready paying off.  I’m scared of this truth, because it allows me to be free of all my burdens, all my troubles, all my worries & all of my grandiose stresses that I’ve often defined myself with. No one really wants to be free. It requires a lot of guts just to attempt it. Freedom is the most frightening thing on Earth.

And that is why fat is so comforting. It’s entrapping, it’s a part of me, it’s WHO I am. It says to the world “I have problems, and I eat them. I am deep, brooding, and I’ll take your head off if you get in my way. I’m tortured, special, unique. My badge of honor is this fat that inhibits my functioning in this world…but if you mention it, you’re rude.” Fat is powerful.

But making a true decision to let it go? That is where the real power is.

Enough for now. Thanks for sticking with me.

Jayson.

DAY 8: FIRST WEIGH IN!

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First weigh in!

265 to 253= -12 lbs.

33.1% fat to 32.1% fat= -1% fat

51″ waist to 48.5″ waist= -2.5 “

I did cardio/worked out & blogged 7 days out of 7 days.

The only thing I missed out on was my autobiographical writing that I committed to. I will have to do that this week.

My new daily calorie goal for this week is 1771. Ouch, that sounds small! =(

I’ll live I guess. It scares me, but I bet I can do it! =) I haven’t even tried it yet. And the peanut butter is there anytime I want to go back to it. No one is forcing this on me, I’m choosing it! 

Yes…that speech was more for me than for you.

Once again, the formula to figure out my calories is weight x 7 for weight loss. Each pound of fat takes about 10 calories a day to maintain, so by giving each pound 3 calories less, and then adding exercise, you’ll lose weight.

Allrighty…well, I certainly slept in this morning (1030a), but I needed it. I’m off to workout with Jillian now. I have thought about stopping, and I feel like I could stop, but what is helping me besides my mottos, is looking ahead. I have 3 more workout of Level 1, and then I’m on to Level 2. If I slack off now, I won’t be strong enough for Level 2. And Oatmeal. That’s motivating too. I get to eat after I workout.

Did I mention how much I like cottage cheese? I gotta get more of that. That was wonderful. And Veggie burgers! I love Veggie burgers! All I have today is to do some cleaning, and then I am working with one of my regular massage clients at 6pm. Well…have a great day folks, I’ll recap my day later on. =)

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Heya. Well, it’s been kind of a “lazy” day. Not in a bad way…I haven’t actually been lazy. I’ve just begun to feel that feeling that always gets me down once I accomplish something. I think “Oh good, I made it, I can relax now!” I lost 12 pounds, so I’m all done! Nothing to do but go to graduation now!

Hold the phones, Jayson! You still have a 48.5″ waistline…you’re not done yet.

Oh?

Darnit.

TIM BURTON RANDOM RANT:

I watched “Coraline” today. Another generic Tim Burton movie…everything he does is so much the same now…CAN wait until “Alice in Wonderland” comes out…it’ll probably have the exact same problem that the rest of his films have: I don’t care about the characters.

“Nightmare Before Christmas” was the last good script. You actually cared about Jack Skelington…but I couldn’t care less about Coraline, ya know? Everything after “Nightmare”  has lacked heart. (ESPECIALLY Willy Wonka-There is no comparing the emotions inspired between the original and his remake) It’s weird just to be weird. Come on Burton! I WANT to care about your characters, just give me a good reason! And “in Wonderland”, as a story unto itself,  has that problem to begin with! Nobody ever cares about Alice, she’s just the vehicle to get to all of the other cool characters! So why will I care about her this time?

BACK TO MY DAY:

I gotta do cardio. I don’t think it’s a good idea to wait on Cardio. From now on, I have to get it done as soon as possible in the day. I just get so tired later on.

I have my massage client tonight: It was good. I did one massage and made as much as I did doing 6 yesterday. When you have a private client, you get to keep the money they give you, not give 60% of it away. =(

I have felt STUFFED today, with the food. I mean, I don’t know exactly what happened…but I still have 500 more calories to eat and I feel like I’m going to burst. I think my whole day was just different because I got up so late. Had I gotten up earlier, I would have had to spread out the calories throughout the day instead of having the big breakfast and the big lunch.

So, I suppose this is where some harder work starts…I have to STAY motivated, I have to FINISH what I have started, I have to be CONSISTENT (not my strong suit), and I am going to CHANGE my life for good. =) Thank you for the kind comments, emails and cheers. It really does make a difference to me, and I promise to keep on writing, no matter what happens.

Oh, one cool thing: I did the math, and with 11 weeks to go until my birthday, if I lose 5.7 pounds every week until then, I will be at my goal weight of 190. I know that’s not technically 100 pounds, but we’ll talk when we get there. I feel like an athletic bodyfat percentage (13-15%)  is more what I need to do. I honestly think that 170 would be anorexic on me…but don’t worry: Once I get to wherever I’m going, I’m gonna have the challenge of STAYING there. That’s something else I’ve never done either.

Okay, off to do some light cardio and give my ankle one more day to calm down. I will also run errands, organize my life, and get some more good sleep tonight. I will be hitting my workouts HARD tomorrow. =)

Jayson.

PS. I feel kind of ridiculous admitting this, but I’m starting to feel a little bit sexy here and there. It’s exhilirating, and terrifying, all rolled in one. I may have to work through this issue just as much as anything else. =)

 

 

DAY 7: HOT PROUD MESS

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Way too much to talk about today: My notes are going to be a little bit hectic. But I suppose that’s okay on the account of actually living my life, and not just focusing on writing about it. (Although truth be told, I would rather just write about it sometimes…life is exhausting!)

First of all, OW! My left medial malleolis (ankle) is killing me! It must be from the jogging; same thing with my lower back.  It’s a lot of impact…but I decided I would push through the pain a little bit. My ankle isn’t even swollen, just annoyed and bitching at me. I made sure to warm up my ankle before I went jogging tonight, though!

 

BEFORE WORK: BUT AFTER JILLIAN!

Let’s go to that topic next: I didn’t have a chance to jog this morning, because I was working ALL day, and I didn’t get a single session off.  Just back to back massages from 9a-5p. Ouch! I was so looking forward to running by the beach again, and multitasking my day. But instead, I had to wait until late tonight.

AFTER WORK: 6 MASSAGES IN A ROW

I had packed my food for all day, and it worked out great. I did have a lot of low energy, and I’m not sure why. I ate between every massage. One thought is that I can’t eat a little bit every hour, because perhaps that makes me always digesting, which is tiring. I need to wait 2-3 hours until I’m hungry again. Scratch that. I think the right theory is that I was working my ass off, and I didn’t have enough calories to not be hungry, so I was tired.

Out of all the food that I had packed, some carrots and an orange lasted me almost all the way to 9pm! That’s good, because I took a little bit of food, and stretched it out all day by eating little bits at a time. I was impressed at how well I’ve adapted to this food plan! My first official “Weigh In” is in the morning…scary!

A new friend of mine wanted to hang out, and so of course I said yes, so he came over, and my best friend Billy came up, and Hubby was home, and we all played videogames….well, shall I say that 3 of us played video games, and Hubby played Julia Child in the kitchen. He is making cheese soufflés.

Now I’m not saying “foodies” are evil, but “foodies” are evil. F&##ing Cheese Soufflé! I had a few carrots left, so I munched on those. It was not a nice night….although, to be completely and totally honest I thought it was rude to make that food in front of me, but the food itself  didn’t bother me at all. I didn’t WANT the cheese soufflé. Incredible. But still….He whipped up three servings, and everyone was eating them except for moi.

You may think to yourself that Hubby isn’t being very supportive by making cheese soufflés for everyone, or by not wanting to read this blog, and by generally being uninvolved with my journey…and  you would be right. I’d write more about that if there was anything more to be said about it. =(

So, my new friend was here, and I still hadn’t gone for my cardio. I decided that I needed to go before it got too late; kind of my “Last Minute Workout.” I asked if he wanted to come with me, and he said no. So I bundled up, grabbed a dog, asked the fellas to entertain my guest, and took off saying “I’ll be back in thirty minutes.” I felt really proud on one hand that I put myself first and did what I had to do. The other hand is slapping me for being rude to a guest, and scared that he won’t come back. Well, we shall see.

The actual run was very frustrating. First of all, my ankle hurts, but then I was so bundled up in layered sweats, jackets, sweaters, shirts (it’s 55 degrees out there, people!), ski cap,  that I couldn’t feel my body. It seemed like even though I was jogging, I wasn’t moving that much. But to be fair I was really weighed down, and my movement felt restricted in my outfit. 

At about the 15 minute mark, I decided to really push myself, and that’s when I discovered that I HAD been working, but I simply couldn’t feel the burn because my outfit was the equivalent of running in a hot, sticky sleeping bag, and all you can feel is that you’re uncomfortable. HOWEVER, because of that, my muscles were HOT! I was so warmed up that when I finally committed to stepping on that gas pedal I took off like a rocket! Well…a 270lb rocket who was outrun by his terrier, but still.

I bounded up a really hard incline, then did jumping jacks on my way down another. The night was so beautiful with the yellow, glowing street lights…and even though the air was cold, and the moon was frosty, I was burning up, and loving it! Near the end of the workout, with 8 minutes left, I busted ass up the giant hill that our condos are on, and discovered I had 3 minutes left! I could either go gently jog up and down the hallways until my time was up, or I could see if I could jog around the entire condo complex parking lot, around all 5 buildings, and back to the front driveway in that time!

I thought to myself, WWJD? What would Jillian do? And then I decided “To Hell with what Jillian would do, I’m tired!” But for some reason, my feet turned and began running as fast as they could! I started chanting “I can do this! No one is going to rescue me but me!”, and then my iPod said “Welease the Seecwet Weapon!”  There is this one song, that no matter when it comes on, I get IN THE ZONE; it’s just like CRACK! (Not that I would know what crack is like)

It’s called “Preparations for the Last T.V. Fake” and it’s from the soundtrack to “Goodbye Lenin” from the same composer as “Amelie”, Yann Tiersen. It’s worth the .99 cents on iTunes.

Not only did I make it around the entire complex, but I did it with one minute to spare! My legs were jumping from each stride to the next…pumping underneath my body like an engine….MY legs, I repeat, MY legs! Where did THAT come from? I guess that’s what endorphins do! And THEN, with the final minute, I didn’t even THINK: I just ran deep into the mass of buildings, found my stairwell, and sprinted up 4 steps at a time. Leo pretty much FLEW up the stairs next to me, because he’s a small dog in a harness, and I wasn’t in the mood to be slowed down!

I KNEW I only had seconds until the song was over (2 counts of 8), and I was only on the second floor, and my condo was on the third! I don’t remember the rest of the distance between there and my front door; all I remember is letting loose a wild caveman yell as the song ended and I collapsed on my living room floor in a hot, sweaty and VERY proud mess! Take THAT, Jillian! =) A very respectable 32 minutes, thank you very much!

So now I’m blogging, and my friends are still playing video games. I’m about to join them. We’re going to go into the spa, so I can show my new friend my fatness…and try not to be too embarrassed. Why can’t this be Month 7, instead of Day 7? Oy vey.

The weigh in is in the morning…I’m really excited. I think it’s going to be big. =) I’m going to pee as much as possible between now and then!

Jayson!

PS. I get to sleep in tomorrow! YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! 930a, here we come!

DAY 6: EXHAUSTING DAY

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Up at 7am, worked out hard with Jillian, packed food, worked massage 9-5, jogged 40 minutes on the beach during a cancelled appointment, ran up the stairs huffing puffing and grunting…amused the massage front desk people. Went to birthday party. Didn’t eat or drink. Made friends, networked. EXHAUSTED. Up at 7am again, and it’s all ready 1130, godamnit. Night.

Jayson.

PS. Food perfect, life good, ONE MORE DAY TIL FIRST WEIGH IN! I’m SO excited, I’ve been working HARD!

Day 5: P.S. I’m hungry, and I’m having food dreams! hehe

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I ate my last meal around 630/7pm.

I’m going to bed now, around 1130pm.

I’m HHUUUNNNGGRRYYY!!!

And I’ve been hungry for the past 3 hours or so. It’s not the end of the world, it’s not an emergency…but it’s really annoying! The good things about getting up early and exercising are that you have a longer day, and you have energy all day that just slowly fades instead of crashing into a food coma. The bad things are that the day lasts for what seems like FOREVER, and you run out of food hours before bedtime! Sigh…

Last night I had a dream about cleaning out an almost empty jar of Peanut Butter with my face. It was really funny. I stuck my head into a little jar of peanut butter and was scooping up the rest of the peanut butter, it was like I had a shrunken head because it fit inside this little tiny container!

I was kind of enjoying myself, and then I thought “Oh no! I’ve blown my calories for today!”

But then I thought “Oh wait, this is a dream, because it’s impossible for my head to be in this jar anyway…”

So then I thought, “Well, if it’s a dream, that means there’s no calories, so go for it!”

But then I thought, “No! I can’t do that, because then I’ll wake up and be all bingey, and want to overeat today! That’s baadd!”

Then I thought, “You know what…if I can’t have fun in my dreams, where can I have fun? Go for it, and see if it makes you crazy when you wake up! Okay? Okay!”

So, I went for it, and I went “yum, yum, yum! chomp, chomp chomp! lick lick lick!”, and I was filled with joy as my imaginary mouth filled with high calorie sugared fat! And when I woke up, I was very happy, and laughing! I had all the emotional joy of pigging out with none of the guilt!

I’m glad I loosened up…maybe I’ll have another dream like that tonight. Is it bad when you’re having food dreams? My body is trying to tell me I’m not eating enough to maintain my fatness…I wish my conscious brain could talk to my subconscious brain sometimes….this whole weight loss thing is rather intentional.

Sigh…well, I have an early morning. Nighty night!

J.

DAY 5: That’s just not an option…

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My morning has started a lot earlier than I thought it was going to.  There was an emotional bit of conversation that started between Hubby and I around 630, before we were even fully awake. The gist of it, I believe, is just how hopeless he feels toward me and my endless cycles of bingeing/sanity/bingeing/sanity….it really must be exhausting. On my side of the fence, I told him that he’s my Hubby, and he’s not allowed to give up on me. But emotions are emotions, folks, and he’s entitled to his.

I don’t know what it is like being married to me. I imagine that it’s very fun, emphatic, sometimes disappointing, but always heartfelt. I mean, I know that I would understand that I meant the best, but if I had certain requirements, and they weren’t being met, I’m not sure I would stay. But that’s what working it out is for, right? That’s what married people do. No one is perfect, but you don’t lose faith in your spouse. That’s just not an option. Well…at least not for me.

That’s one of the reasons I’m on here: I need friends who believe in me, because deserved or not (and I’m tabling that debate as irrelevant to the point), I don’t have that much support at home right now. Hubby is entitled to a quick vacation from me, I guess, but I hope he chooses to come back and ask how he can be helpful, and say he’s proud of me, and jump onboard my new momentum. Change isn’t made overnight, and it’s not made easily, but I’m trying with all that I have.

I don’t  know if I have what it takes to do a year of committed healthiness. For some crazy reason, I BELIEVE that I do, and that’s a very rare blessing to have faith in myself. It makes me cry actually, to realize that for the first time in a very long time, I have hope again; hope that there is a way out of this life of food addiction & selfishness.

I feel sad that I can’t be everything to Hubby, and that I’ve let him down in his mind, and I’m not making him happy. I will not “Blame & Gain”, he’s allowed his feelings. It’s not up to him to be my cheerleader. One would hope that their spouse would be on their side, and enthusiastically believe in them…but you know what? It’s okay. I have you guys, I have this commitment to myself, and I have a lot of tools, brains, systems, friendship, the willingness to do what needs to be done, and a determination and believe in myself that whatever happens this year, I’m going to get through it.

I don’t mean to sound dramatic, and I don’t mean to portray Hubby as being a bastard. I’m sad that we’re not on the same page, and I’m also going to do whatever I can to be kind & loving to him, and hope he comes around…but I am trying to save my life here. And I come first right now. I need to talk, write, plan out my food, exercise, hit all my marks, and grow. I invite hubby to c ome along on this journey with me, but I’m going, no matter what he decides.

I guess that’s all I really have to say right now. I hope I’ve been kind. I hope the world is kind to me today…but I’m going back to bed until 9a, when Jillian will kick my ass again.

The one nice thing about waking up so unexpectedly is that I actually saw the sunrise…it was beautiful and all, but I’m not sure it’s healthy to be up this early. =) Here’s a picture I took from my deck. Nighty night.

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Howdy ya’ll! I just had the best breakfast of Oatmeal w/ apples, and then low fat cottage cheese with apples! I had to stop with the cottage cheese in the past (any cheese for that matter), because it was so addictive. But I’ll keep tabs on that this year. Not very many of my friends claim to like cottage cheese, but I think it’s wonderful! It also one of the few foods that has a complete protein chain for building muscles. It has everything you need!

My best friend Billy joined me for my workout this morning, which was really nice. I had my moments when it was tough, but it is getting a lot easier! I’ve done it for 5 days in a row on Level One (of three), and I have 5 more days to go until I go to level 2. I just figure it’ll work out that way. Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred has 3 levels of hardness. 30 days, 3 levels=Switch every ten days! See how logical I can be?

Billy was also very supportive last night discussing all of the blog stuff, and my friend’s opinion that it may endanger my mental health. Billy sees it the same way that I do, and likes all of the positivity that it seems to have brought into my life. Let’s focus that direction, I say, but be aware for the pitfalls when they come. And they ARE bound to come. It’s a year I’m attempting here. I feel like everything that can happen will happen…and you’ll be able to read all about it, and I’ll be committed to writing about it!

Oh, I almost forgot the funniest thing! My crazy cat, Koa, decided that he wasn’t getting enough attention, so he came over to me while I was huffing and puffing with pushups, and tried to snuggle. I tried to shoo him, but he wasn’t having any of it. Next thing I know, everytime I lowered myself to the ground, I’d get a fresh shiff of cat tail! He was laying right under me! He LIKED it! Crazy ass cat….being repeatedly pressed like a pancake, and thinking “ooh, we’re snuggling!” lol! Here’s a picture of that crazy kitty:

 

Oh, I learned the BEST trick from Miss Jillian the other day: Core your apple, put the slices in a bowl with some water barely covering them, put a paper towel over it, and nuke it for 2 minutes. Soft, warm, delicious! Add cinnamon, and let me tell you that was some WONDERFUL oatmeal this morning!

I walked my dogs down to the dog run, and have had a nice morning so far. I’m outta here at 1230 to go see my new office space again (I hope it’ll be mine!), and then as long as I’m right by Balboa Park, I’m going to take Leo for a good 45-60 minute walk! It’ll be nice to walk around someplace DIFFERENT for a change. Although, I can’t jog today. I want to give my joints a rest…they’re being a little bit testy.

Oh, the other thing that happened this morning was I had my cuddle time with Max, the ancient one (17 year old dog). Like I talked about in past blogs, I massage my dogs, and they love it. He is half chow, so the idea of being picked up and squeezed, and held close was something that took some getting used to for him, but now when I scoop him up (he’s only 35 pounds, it’s all hair!), he just collapses against my chest, and doesn’t move for 30 minutes at a time, when we flip over to the other side. =) I love that guy, he’s a good boy! Here’s a picture of our snuggle time. Have a great day ya’ll, and I’ll write more later.

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The internet is down again…how annoying. I am writing this on my word program, and I’ll cut and paste later. Why does technology have to be so complicated? Routers, Surfboards, USB thingies, modems….I wouldn’t know a modem if it plugged into my nostrils to make a long distance phone call.

Anyway, I have had a very up and down, but overall fantastic day! I went and did my business thing at 1p, and that went very well. I got to see my future office again. It IS a little off the beaten path, but only by two blocks…and hopefully the advertising I’m doing will reap some results, because I’m a very well respected massage therapist. I mean, I have some serious training, and I’ve got instincts. I’m good! It’s nice to feel proud of something that you do well, ya know? =)

Walking around Balboa Park for an hour, afterwards, was just the highlight of my day today! I was SO happy! And Leo was just beside himself, what with all the things to smell, and other dogs to bark at and stuff. He had a blast! Later on in the walk, he got tired, so I threw him on my shoulder for a little bit. He likes riding up there. And I hate to say it, but people think I’m at least 20% hotter than I am because I have him with me. LOL. Isn’t that crazy? Well, if I’m ever single, I better make sure I have a dog. I think it helped that he was wearing his little GAP hoodie…awww!!

I took some pictures of the park, and the places we went. I had to chant several times to not be a perfectionist…I took 6-7 minutes out of the walk probably, to socialize, take pictures, let Leo greet kids (kids love him!), and stuff like that. I walked a very fast pace, and I did an hour to make up for not jogging this time. My right hamstring has a little cramp in it now, and I was certainly tired, hungry & sore by the end of it. That’s okay. That’s what mantras are for; I got near the end of the walk, and I pushed right through to the very end of it. I added another little loop into the walk before I allowed myself to stop, because it was less than an hour at that point. My mantra, “This is the moment to finish strong!”

         

I couldn’t stop smiling at everybody! I mean, really. It was like a dream today. Everything so beautiful, my whole life in front of me; or at least the next half. Let’s hope I make it into my 60’s anyway. I was so invigorated, and walked so fast, and saw such INCREDIBLE beauty! I Love that park. What else do I want to say about it? I guess the thing I’m trying to grasp with words that I can’t quite seem to find is the sense of “This is my new wonderful life” and how secure that felt, instead of “This is a nice moment in your cycle, and it’s going to crash in 20 days.” That was the Hope I felt this morning.

  

To realize that last night I was kind of upset, and yet this morning I picked right back up and exercised with Jillian, and then had this wonderful time in the park exercising; I realized that no matter what happens in my life, every single day I can be consistent with the things that are going to help me, and put me in a better mood. I felt so free! It was a good feeling. =)

I had fish and rice and veggies for lunch….and some of “Newman’s Own Light Honey Mustard.” OMG, that cleared my sinuses REAL fast! Half vinegar taste, half heat! I do NOT do spice very well, and a little bit went a long way. I think I’ll try it again using a quarter of the portion, and see if it’s tolerable then…if not, it’s goin in the trash! I was crying tears because of the reaction to the heat! Oy vey!

I hope you, whoever you are, are having a fabulous day. Thank you for stopping by and supporting me, and remember that you’re not alone. We’re all here together, wanting to be heard and recognized, and it’s a beautiful thing. =)

I saw an Eagle on the way back. I took a picture! Can you find it?

  

I’ll probably update this at the end of the night once more. Until then!

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Except for a couple spoonfuls of a Boeuf Bourguignon broth, I hit 70-80 calories under my goal today, which is what I wanted to do to make up for yesterday a little bit. I don’t even know how to count calories in that broth. Well it’s been over an hour, and it’s almost 9pm. I’m hungry. Such is life.

Tomorrow I work a full 8 hour shift at the spa, and again on Sunday. I will be up at 7am to work out, and to collect my food together for the day. I will have vegetables for steaming, oatmeal for adding water to, and I’ll start out with my cottage cheese since that requires refrigeration. I hope I’m busy tomorrow. I think I have 7 appointments available, and I usually get 4-6 of them filled on a Saturday.

Well, goodnight everyone. My post will be late tomorrow night, because I have a birthday party to go to afterwards….oh darn, I just remembered that! I’ll be up late, and on not very much food….I better save some calories until the end of the day, so I won’t be starving at the party!

The awesome thing about not having one of my massage slots filled tomorrow (hopefully), is that I’ll be able to go for a jog. The massage studio is right by the beach, and it’s breathtaking! Looking forward to a healthy weekend! Two more days of hard work, and my FIRST OFFICIAL Weigh in on MONDAY! =)

Jayson!

DAY 4: Part Two, My Awesome Day!

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All right now. Let’s talk about my day today. Overall it was really awesome, even though I got a bit upset there at the end. Such is life. It started out when I woke up at 8am. I was actually awake, peeking at the clock around 730a, and I can’t tell you how rested, and refreshed I felt. All my muscles were repaired from the night before (largely thanks to the Epsom Salt bath!), and I was rearing to get up and go!

I rang up my best friend Billy to come work out with me, and when he didn’t answer, headed downstairs to his door to drag him awake. He had said that he felt enthusiastic about working out with me in the mornings. The boy llliiiiiieeeeddddd! Hehehe….he wanted to sleep! Poor guy, up until 3am…no wonder he was out of it this morning.

Nonetheless, he accompanied me back to my living room, where he said he’d sit this one out, but be here to support me anyway. And then he passed out on the couch. =P It was cute. I took a picture. He said that he looked awful, and his hair wasn’t done…he didn’t want his face picture in the blog, because he didn’t want me to have to explain to ya’ll where he went if he stopped showing up in the mornings. LOL! That kind of goes to show that it IS motivating to blog about what you do, huh?! Here are a few pictures of Billy being supportive. =P Kisses to you Billy!

After Jillian’s workout, who killed me like usual, I got a few things done, and then I walked the dogs: Max (17) and Leo (4). Because Max is so old, we always go slow, and I took some pictures of the dog run, and of the back of my condos. I LOVE the trees and the very blue, beautiful San Diego sky! 

  

We walked around the complex, and Leo went crazy like usual, running up and down staircases, ears perked, in that classic Westie pose: Arched forward, tail up, and ready to attack a lion if need be! Anyway, I hope you enjoy seeing how beautiful nature was to me today, here in San Diego! It’s nice to be able to go outside on a day like this. It really cheers me up to see such beauty. =)

After going slow for the elderly dog, I decided that I would go for a brisk walk with Leo. Did I mention how calm Leo is after our exercise? He’s a terrier, and they NEED exercise. The Dog Whisperer was right…personalities CHANGE when you give a dog exercise! He’s such a calm little lap dog after his walks now!

 

Anyway, after jogging 4 miles yesterday, walking fast just didn’t seem to cut it in my mind. So I decided to go for another jog! Would it be 4 miles like yesterday? Boy, did I debate that question  a lot. I want to push myself, but I also don’t want to hurt myself. So I made a compromise, and jogged for 30 minutes. It was slow, but it was steady. Boy, did I feel the burn! I was sweaty, yucky, icky, nasty! And I felt it work all day long! Every step I take my quads kill me!

Working this hard, I can’t wait to see my numbers on Monday!

After dropping off my hubbys wallet at his work because he forgot it, we went to a sushi place for lunch! This is the first restaurant visit I’ve been to in these four days, and I’m happy to report that I whipped out my scale, and had a weighed and measured lunch!

After lunch, I went to go get some groceries. I had forgotten that in the past, I always get kind of bingey after being at a restaurant! I want to have MORE, because restaurant food is so good! I was at the grocery store shopping, and I have to admit, I spent too much, and I got a couple guilty items: Tartar sauce & a Paul Newman dressing. I get 200 calories a day of extra calories to flavor things…oh darn! I just realized I forgot the lite soy sauce…that’s okay. I’ll get it next time. Don’t want to retain water for the Monday “weigh in” anyway.

I was standing in the grocery store when I felt the storm coming upon me! All those old thoughts and feelings that had left me alone for 3 days were now upon me! “Get more food! You deserve it! Look how wonderful you look all ready! You’ve done so much work, you deserve a treat!” I have to say that I did get a little too much food, and I got a couple of luxury items too. Namely, Paul Newman salad dressing (lite), and tartar sauce. I read the labels, and overall, they’re not bad in moderation. I have 200 calories planned each day for a little more flavor, which is nice…

Anyway, I was in the store fighting these feelings when I thought to myself “That nice lady on wordpress believes in me! And there are a lot of people who are rooting for me! And I have other options. I am NOT going to binge. I am going to get past this!” And well,  that was the end of those bingey feelings….for the most part. More to come on that topic.

While shopping at the grocery store, I remembered my conversation with Hubby about Sashimi. You have to get fresh, expensive salmon, that’s never been frozen. So, I bought a little slab of it from the meat department and was very excited to get home and try some!

Bad idea.

Apparently there is a difference between sushi quality fish and fish that’s meant for cooking. I didn’t know that. A couple hours after eating it I felt like the entire room was tilting violently, and my stomach was churning…it has seemed to pass for now…but I won’t be surprised if I’m dead come morning.

I really felt kind to myself today, overall though. I feel proud that I’m taking the time to take care of myself, and do the things I need to do to get better. I have no doubt that I wsa quickly headed toward an early death at my weight, and I feel very motivated not to go there yet. It’s amazing how quickly perspectives can change when you start doing what you’re supposed to do. 

At 6pm, I had a conversation with a friend who cares about me, and the topic of the blog came up. You can read all about that in Day Four: Part One, if you like. But after that I felt very upset, and so I wrote about it, which helped quite a bit, (not just to vent, but to reaffirm the positive reasons that I’m doing this), and then I called Hubby and told him how sick I felt from the raw salmon.

“You ate WHAT?” were his exact sentiments, I believe. Well…here’s to a yucky learning experience. He’s promised to show me where to go to get sushi quality fish the next time I want to try that. He picked me up, and we went to Hillcrest (Boys Town). We stopped by the wrestling team practice and said hi to all of our friends, and then we felt a little hungry…so guess where we went? Sushi. =P (Did I mention that the aforementioned Hubby is Asian? Yeah…we do sushi a lot. There’s a rice cooker on my counter the size of a car engine!)

I had a little bowl of miso, and an eel roll. I had about 120 calories left for the day, but ended up  having around 400. Why did I do it? I wanted some comfort I guess. I liked the idea of the hot soup calming down my stomach, and then I felt sorry for myself. Instead of waiting until I got home and having an apple to finish up my calories, I had an eel roll. I just couldn’t be at a sushi restaurant and not eat! Especially when Hubby was eating! And especially after I was upset by my phone conversation!

Well…I guess I didn’t HAVE to eat. And I commit to really think about this situation. If I’m committed to watching what I eat, and be healthy for the next year,  then there are going to be a  LOT of future instances where I’m going to be at a restaurant with people, and one plate of food would equal my entire day worth of calories!

I think that restaurants, in general, are evil. But hey…work with what’s out there, right? I can’t change the world, only myself. Besides, I know better. I chose to eat instead of sit down and write my feelings out. I chose the path of food, because I was a little bit hungry (legitimately…but there were other options), and I wanted psychological comfort. It’s okay, I’m not evil…and I’m not doing this program perfectly, I all ready committed to “No perfection”…but I’d still like to do better next time. And I will keep writing down all my struggles and flaws here, every day.

So the deal is: I need to recommit. I feel like now that my little bubble is burst, because some well intentioned person had a pin to poke in my happy balloon, I feel sad, confused, angry, mad, rebellious…all the normal, icky things that people feel when their pride is hurt. And of course that  leads to eating. So what is my action plan to get up in 10 hours and work out and have a productive day?

Action Plan:

Repeat my favorite mantras:

• I can do it!
• Finish Strong!
• No one can save me but me!
• Whiners need not apply! (Ooh, that’s a new one!)
• I am capable of working out, and working out hard. I deserve to get results!
• When the going gets tough, the tough get goin!

I like those…I feel slightly better all ready. =)

Next, I will commit to my calorie count, because those are the numbers I need to take weight off. I am not going to do it because I’m fat and I hate myself, or I want to be anorexic…but I want to be healthier. It’s a choice I can empower myself to make. And for that matter, here’s an interesting question: Do I minus 99 calories over the each of the next 3 days to make up for going over by 400 tonight? Is that reasonable or is it paranoid? Do I let it go, and chalk it up to not being perfect? And if I minus the calories to even out my week, will I feel like a perfectionist Nazi, or will I feel like a responsible adult who holds myself accountable?

I will go the middle ground and say that if I really feel like I need the 99 calories tomorrow, I will have them, but I will try to shave that off over the next couple of days. =) How’s that?

Well, here I am, still a little off of my pink cloud, pissed that I had a friend who wanted to show me a bit of their reality…but then again, if it is my reality too, then I have to thank them for the warning….on the other hand, I can think of this as my motivation to believe in what I’m doing, and buckle down to the work, and show him, and myself that this works. I mean, look at what I’m doing! (or was doing)

I’m writing every single day so far! I’m talking about my feelings, I’m reaching out to my new friends…you could call them a fellowship, I am continuing to talk to my friend every day by Telephone, I am reading things that will help me, I’m using a food plan, I’m respecting my friends wishes when they don’t want their faces in my blog (keeping them anonymous), I am letting things go each day because I know I’m not the greatest power out there…I’d say overall, I’m using a lot of positive tools which are helping. And a lot of the reason is because of how this blog is pulling it all together.

Well, “unperfect” (hehe), exhausted, slightly crazy and still committed (Don’t stop at the End! Finish Strong!), I will say goodnight. Thank you for taking this journey with me, and I hope you enjoyed the pictures. I’m not alone, and either are you.

Jayson.

DAY 4: Part One, Emotional Discussion About the Purpose of this Blog.

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Please go to “Part Two of Day Four”, for todays Health Reporting!

I am totally bummed at this exact moment. I just got off the phone with a friend who is concerned about me and this blog. On one hand, they recognize that it is worth trying, and has certainly seemed to help right now, but he pointed out that there is a big trap. He’s concerned that I’m turning this into “The Jayson Show”, and he cautions that success based on pride or wanting to appear a certain way to other people, of needing to feel special, are doomed to fail in the end.

He feels that reliance in others is not where the main source of my strength should come, and in the end, it doesn’t matter if people like me, or read my blog…I need to succeed because I’m sick of where I am and commit to change. Free of ego.

I feel really bummed, because I value and respect his opinion, and I look to him as a role model, because he has what I want, and he’s almost always guided me down the right path. I am not sure that I agree with him, and I hope that I am right that his concern is just overprotective of me. I want to state my intentions for this blog, and talk about what my purpose is in it, and all of the positive things its doing for me.

That said, now that I am aware of his concern, I will be better prepared should he turn out to be correct.

These are the positive things I get from this blog (all ready in these 4 short days)

• I don’t feel alone anymore. There are others out there who are going through the exact same thing I am.
• I feel connected to others. I imagine that others like me might read what I have to say, and they won’t feel alone either.
• I’m accountable because  I write all my thoughts/feelings. Food addiction is about secrets/isolation, this seems a good remedy.
• I see my life differently now: I have a wonderful life and sharing it is a joy.
• Awareness of thoughts/feelings. In the past, I’d go numb/blank, and not think at all…for days!  As long as I had the food coming.

I have been flying so high because I feel like I’ve made a public commitment. I feel as if I have thrown down the gauntlet, and challenged myself. And just the act of believing in myself enough to do that has changed how I see myself. I’m not the person who is going to stop anymore. I am going to make this year. I am not going to eat sugar. I am going to care for myself. These are the things that I have committed to doing.

I feel fellowship with the world, and with others who are on this same journey, and I feel that the enthusiasm for this journey we’re all on only gets bigger when we share it with others.

And when my concerned friend says that the way I’m talking makes the blog seem more like entertainment than a healthy plan, I have to admit that I haven’t seen it that way. I think that I am a very entertaining person, but not because I’m hamming it up, but just because I am entertaining to people.

This blog is not about entertainment, it is about truth and commitment. The truth comes in saying whatever I need to say, censorship be damned. I put a humiliating picture of myself at 265 pounds on here in my first blog because I needed to put the truth out there. When I am that heavy, I hide myself in clothes, and I don’t want to be seen; I only want to avoid reality.

I feel that the entertainment of the blog will come naturally because I’m a fascinating person, and I love myself. But to think that I only want to appear as some sort of pseudo celebrity is not a thought that I had.

I wrote about this exact topic a couple of days ago. Either yesterday or the day before. I wrote that we all want to be heard, and we all want to be special. We want our stories to be heard. We want people to see who we are and accept us. But how can anyone see us if we don’t show them who we are? We all feel like we are damaged and broken. But we’re not. There’s nothing about us that’s broken. We’re not dimished. There are only things about us that need to be accepted, and discovered; understood and loved.

That’s been my philosophy for several years: It is a paraphrase of something that Rhonda Britten (author of Fearless Living) said on the therapy show “Starting Over.” And it really affected me, because I changed in the moment I heard her say it. So while my friend sees my blog as too attention grabbing, and fears that my ego will lead me back into a food binge, I created the binge because I recognize that I am a beautiful, special person, and I need to share myself with others in order to be seen for who I am.

If people don’t read my blog, I will be a little sad, but I’ve sent it to the people who matter; my emotional anchors. And that other people discover it is a happy coincidence. A woman left a comment today about how cool she thought I am (I left one on her blog about children needing to be active and healthy), and I thought that was great. Today at the grocery store I had my first feeling of “I need more food! Binge now!”, and I thought to myself “Nope, I can’t let that lady down. She said I was awesome, and she believes in me, and I believe in me. I am not alone, and I will get past this feeling!”

My friend saw that as proof that my ego was too involved, and that I am doing this whole program for ego or to be entertaining. Why should I care what she thinks of me? Why do I need her approval?

But I saw it the opposite way. I saw this blog, and that woman’s comment as the awesome community that reminds me that I’m not alone. It may have been a pat on the back, but I don’t see anything wrong with that. When I’m standing on a rooftop in my underwear, screaming my lungs out, with a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s under each arm, I’m going to be just as honest about that experience as I am about anything else. There’s no ego for appearance sake here. A year is a long time (especially for me), and I have no doubt that I will have my horrible moments. SOMEONE is going to die in 2010. My 17 year old dog among them, almost guaranteed.

I find great comfort in this blog as a tool that will give me just a little more encouragement, and just one more valid reason to keep going, to keep trying and to keep on believing in myself no matter what. I have made a HUGE committment. It was scary to do, and I’m both impressed and intimidated by this journey I’ve embarked on. But for right now, it’s only been a blessing.

I feel like an entire cheer squad is behind me, and like I’ve finally come clean about who I am, and what this disease of food addiction has done to me. It’s wonderful.

But like I said, if I start to sugar coat things, or get suicidal that my readership is low, I’ll watch out for that trap. Thanks, friend, for having my back.

Jayson

DAY 3: Let’s Go!

7p

I have had a very good day today. I am worn out, body wise, in the most serene way possible. I could still go for a jog if I really had to, but let me tell you, I’m going to sleep like a rock tonight!

My day started out with a Jillian Michaels workout…and it was pretty tough today. I’m on Day Three, so all of the lactic acid & metabolic waste has built up, and I have all the classic symptoms of delay onset muscle soreness. However, once I got to it, I was able to work right through all of the soreness, and it almost felt really good in some spots!

I thought about not doing it this morning. I thought about giving in, for a minute…but I didn’t.

I just heard Jillian saying “When you’re uncomfortable, when it’s hard, when you think you just can’t do it, that’s when it counts. That’s when you’ll make a difference, that’s when you’ll see change!”

I also heard her say “People think that fat people can’t work out, and that’s just a false message of lethargy. You are more than capable of working out, and you’re capable of working out hard. You can get the results that you want and that you deserve.”

She says both those things in the first level workout and the message is sinking in.

BUSINESS SECTION

So, after breakfast, I was off to a job interview to work at a spa as a massage therapist, and I really did well. I’ve been invited back to give a massage practical, and most likely, I’ll be able to work there. On one hand, I want to go out on my own & be as fierce as can be, and never work for anyone else again, but this place is different.

First of all, I set my schedule, my hours & my prices. I get 35% to start, which will pay me more than most places when you work for someone else…but the thing that I really enjoy about this place is that I will have a mentor in the owner. I have a lot to learn, and he is a role model for me. It’s a safe space for me to continue to grow, and to have a little bit of regular income if my independent business fails to take off like it should.

And even if it does take off, it will still be nice, I think, to have this experience. It’s not often that a person meets others who really inspire them, and then have the opportunity to (practically) apprentice with them. I think those growth opportunities are missing for the most part, where they used to be common.

END BUSINESS SECTION

I came back to the house, and walked my puppies, watched a movie, and had a very productive day, as I recall. It was getting kind of late to go for my 30 minute walk with my Westie, Leonardo Vandersnatch, so I grabbed the leash, and said “Let’s Go!”

Now, for the first 4 weeks, I’m supposed to do steady rate cardio, just to build up my lungs and my muscles, and get used to exercising regularly. But I felt like pushing it today (and bored of walking around the same ole places.) So, I decided to turn this obscure 4 mile route that I sometimes do into a jog. I normally walk it in 90 minutes, so I decided to half that time and make it in 45, by jogging!

Now, you don’t know the insanity that went through my mind when I proposed to myself that I jog four miles! That’s so not something I would ever do. I’m usually winded just from the fast pace walking I do on that route! And I’ve only been exercising for 3 days now! And I’m at least 20 lbs. heavier than I was since the last time I did it! And my right knee is hurting! And my lower back was hurting this morning!

And I did it. =)

I didn’t quite make it in 45 minutes (55 minutes), but I came really, really close! And for a first run, it wasn’t bad! If I were to keep practicing, I bet than in 3-4 weeks, I could do it in 45 minutes. And Leo just LOVES that route! There’s tons of things to smell and bark at and dogs leaping at fences…it’s a really pretty residential neighborhood with a park, and even a dog park, I think. Anyway…I did it!

It is so strange because something has come over me, and I can’t really explain why it’s happened. I just know that I was ready for it.

(To be cautious, I almost always feel like this during the first week of my recovery cycles, and it doesn’t last, but for purposes of my writing today, let’s just be optimistic and say that this is a permanent change.)

I always give up. Or at least I have always given up in the past. But today felt so good. I felt like I gave myself the best self care. I pushed myself, I repeated my favorite mantras during the day, and especially during the jog:

• “No one can save me but me!”
• “Don’t stop at the end!”
• “BE the bitch!” (Shut up…it works; try it!)
• “This is when it counts!”

I still can’t really wrap my head around the fact that I actually did it! I mean, as heavy as I am, and as out of shape as I am, I actually found that I got into a rhythm. I got into my joggers groove, if you please, and it felt great! My left heel started hurting a bit, and I thought to myself, “What would the contestants on the Biggest Loser do? Would they stop?” I decided that they would not stop, so I kept going.

Now, I’m not stupid. If I were really in  a ton of pain, or couldn’t function, I’ll throw myself on the ground and scream like a woman, like any good flamboyant gay man would do…but you know what? It wasn’t that bad. I felt like I didn’t give up on myself today, and I am so grateful for discovering that core of belief in myself, and the maturity to apply it. For now, it seems that I have really connected with something, and I’m changing.

Another awesome thing I realized: I all ready see myself at my goal weight. I mean, I didn’t feel like 265 pounds out there, I felt like I was working hard, and that I was doing awesome. I didn’t feel pounds, I felt progress. With my iPod goin, my beanie, my sweater, my cute little running shorts, a breathtaking San Diego sunset as I was coming down a long, stretched out hill, and my puppy, I got to a moment where I was invincible. It was awesome.

I really should describe some of the mundane facts, to paint a picture…I always have to remind myself that when I tell people about things that they weren’t there. Okay. I was wearing a navy beanie, a maroon hoodie with a zipper that is missing the zipper pull. Every 2 seconds it slides down, and I have to slide it back up. There are holes at the wrist, in the arm pit, and it’s ripped up all along the zippers edges.

That hoodie is all ripped up because it has been my uniform ever since I topped 250, because it’s one of the only things that fit me. T-shirts were never large enough, and even if they were, they went around the neck too close. I prefer V necks because they make my face look thinner. When my best friend Billy comes up to visit, and I’m wearing it, I’ll often stretch my neck out a bit so that there is a separation (only exertion) between my neck fat and the rest of the fat that’s layered onto the top of my chest. I let the zipper fall down a bit, and go into a deep V, so that the attention isn’t on my face, but on the falsely balanced proportions in general.

I’ve never admitted that out loud. You know…I can’t be the only person who is crazy like that. I bet if I talked to any other compulsive overeater about the things they think they’re hiding, I’d be shocked at how similar we are.

Well, I feel like wrapping this up now. I’ve had an amazing day, and it’s not over yet. It’s only 720. I’m going to go take an Epsom salt bath, because my body really needs to not be sore anymore. Did I mention that I jogged for almost an hour!? Crazy! ME!

Oh, and I gave Leonardo a haircut today. He looks absolutely butchered, but you know what? It was FREE. Here’s an adorable picture of his now tiny little face. =) Here’s a picture.

Who knew that little white dogs were related to freaky looking bats?

And this is my other dog, my beautiful Puppybear: Max.

Max is a golden/chow mix, and he’s really become the love of my life. He’s 17 years old, so he’ll be gone soon. I keep saying it so that when it happens, maybe I won’t be so sad, but he is really a special soul in my life. I love him very much. He sleeps most of the time now, and he’s slown down very visibly in the last months…in fact I don’t think he’d be walking at all if it weren’t for the liquid glucamine chonjointant (mispell?) that I give him along with his senior food that is also heavy in those ingredients. I saw an AMAZING improvement in his mobility when he started with that stuff. =) Well..anyway…

Thank you very much for being here with me on this journey. I depend on the support and love that I feel here, and it really makes a difference to me to think that I can tell my story, and be heard. That’s all any of us want. We want to be special. We want to be loved and accepted and heard. And today I feel like I am.

Goodnight.

Jayson.

P.S. I didn’t even mention food today! I have about 120 calories left for the day, and I feel absolutely stuffed. I really like this “checking off the categories of things I’m supposed to have, and not worrying too much about it” approach. Well, that will refine with practice. =)

DAY 2: It takes a lot of work to work this hard…

10a

Day two….ah, it only seemed like yesterday that it was day one! And how long ago it seems….(actually, I’m not joking). I’ve done A LOT in a couple of days. That’s probably the reason that busy people are so skinny…it takes a lot of work to work this hard. Yes, I know how redundant I just sounded by repeating something that was redundant all ready.

I got up at 8am, and my best friend Billy was over in a flash! We worked out to Jillian Michaels, and it kicked his booty. It kicked mine too, but boy did it feel good! My muscles are sore from yesterday, but for some reason it felt good to use them. I think the lactic acid was being smooshed out of the muscles because I was using them. Plus, the increased circulation helped.

The only thing that didn’ t help was hubby, who saw fit to make fun of the video for almost the entire duration. Like I said, I’m not going to get too personal here, nobody is perfect, and I’m not going to “blame and gain” anymore. I appreciate all that he does for me, and I would like himi to continue to grow so that he doesn’t have to feel threatened by my changing. He says he wants a healthier, happier husband in me, but I think that change can be difficult for anyone.

In any case, Billy and I are  off to a brisk walk with Leonardo Vandersnatch in a couple of moments. I think I’ll surprise him and take him on the killer route that h e’s never explored. It’s all up hill. I’ll die too, but it will be worth it to see him pant! That cracks me up! God, I love his support. It feels so awesome to workout with someone else for a change! =)

I still haven’t got my food figured out for today, but I will play it by ear like yesterday. As long as I get my categories checked off, and hit my calorie goal, I’ll be fine!

I totally lost weight yesterday. I can feel it all ready. And just the one day energy difference is really amazing to me. Also, my knees were feeling it yesterday, but they seem to be fine today…weird. I slept like a rock, and I didn’t toss and turn, I didn’t need my inhaler to breathe, because I didn’t eat right up until the last moment…it’s amazing to me how much changes when you exercise.

Of course, that’s not the challenge. The challenge will be in weeks or months (no more than 2), when I’m unmotivated, and draggin…how do I get past THAT? We shall see….

By the way, I don’t have proper handweights for the work out, so I’m using these pacman shaped 5 lb. weights that are designed for holding down my tent when I do special massage events…I don’t think they’re designed for my hands. Those are really hard!

At some point, I really want to save up and get the 2.5-50lb. adjustable bowflex dumbbells. Those things are awesome! They replace like 30 sets of weights, and they have this perfect stand for them, and I can do all the workouts I know and love right here in my living room!

I have two massages today (good thing, I need the money to advertise), so I will check in later and tell you about food, or whatever else comes up.

1230p

This new business venture is scary. I don’t want to use this forum for my business life, but I have to say that the stress of a job, or of running out of money, or of just having the energy to be optimistic about business things directly impacts my health & commitment to self-care.

At the moment, I’m in that very shaky & exciting place where I’m about to jump off into the unknown (a little bit), and go out on my own (fully..I’ve always had private clients, but not enough to support myself without working for someone else.)

On one side of the equation I think to myself:

I’m going to be so stressed, it’s going to fail, I won’t have enough money for food, and eating healthy is expensive…there’s a reason fast food pops up in poorer parts of town, and Chef Boyardee is a dollar!

And then the other side of the equation says:

This is going to work out great! You’ve done your homework, you are excellent at what you do, the economy is starting to come back, the magazine has a proven track record for bringing in business, and you’ve found a beautiful office space, and it is very affordable! Follow that feeling in your gut that says it’s your time to shine!

I like the second version better. And not only that, but this office I found really IS amazing. The whole “vibe” is so positive! There is a chiropractor, a healthy herb person, a dermatologist, and (hopefully), Me! It’s two blocks away from Balboa Park, and I just keep having this vision of a healthy, happy me running over to the park on my breaks between massages! There are a ton of joggers over there, all the time.

The park is gorgeous with volleyball nets set up every weekend, an art museum, history museum, natural history museum, photo gallery, arboret…um arboar…um plant place, a stage, flight and space museum, cultural village, artists colony, imax, science museum, marble steps to run up and down, a massive fountain, the world famous San Diego Zoo, cyclists, nature trails, a zillion pine trees, a dog park, lawn bowling, picnic tables, and even a super cruisy field where all the gays hang out in their speedos!

It would be amazing to soak in all that outdoor, fresh, San Diego energy, and go for a run, or lay down a towel, and do my floorset, or hey, even meditate! I could make friends, join workout groups, perhaps lead a workout group (that’s one of my goals this year), and maybe even have a massage sponsored workout group!

I could totally go work out a couple of times a day if I wanted, and all under the beautiful blue San Diego sky, tanning from the San Diegan sun! I envision an amazing life for myself, and I know it’s possible! Hopefully this is the right time, and it will all work out. If it doesn’t, I’ll still be okay, but for some reason I have been filled with completely irrational faith that this year is when it’s all going to launch!

The only thing I’m missing in that future life is a massage building of my own, with my dogs sleeping in the office. I really enjoy having my puppies in the room when I’m doing massage. They give a whole different kind of energy. I wonder if there is a niche market out there, not only for having doggy energy in the room, or having people bring their dogs to hang out, but for actual canine massage as well.

My dogs LOVE when I massage them and I really do impressive stuff with my pups: They totally go limp when I massage them because they’re so used to it. =) It makes me happy that they get such clear communication from me that they are loved. It’s absolutely beautiful. =)

I feel so happy though, just thinking about the possibilities in front of me, with a life that is freer, more productive, and really worth living. I sound like an infomercial, huh? =) Well, here’s to the rest of my day and laundry and paperwork. I hope your day is filled with wonderful things, and thanks for stopping by today!

DAY 1!: Exactly 3 months to my 32nd birthday…

DAY  ONE!

 

 

 

 

 

 

(Exactly 3 months to my 32nd birthday…Ahh!!!)

1130am

Well, I got up and went to Sport Chalet where I bought a scale that tells me my body composition.

Official Stats:

1. 31 yrs.
2. 6′
3. 265lbs. (I got a kind scale…I was 270 on a different one)
4. 33.1% Fat (Off the charts)
5. 48.6% Water (Middle of the range)
6. 51″ Waist
7. 265lbs. x 7 calories=1855 calories daily, for Week one.

I just finished my first workout on Jillian Michaels 30 day shred and it was very challenging. I did it, and I’m amazed that I did it, but I’m also kind of encouraged. I used to actually have a lot of muscle tone. Maybe not big ones, but I was feeling very fit. It’s nice to know there’s still some muscle under all of this fat.

I’m burning, sore, winded…the nice thing about the workout was that she piped up with “Don’t you dare quit right now, push through it!” at exactly the right moments…almost literally, just as I was thinking about resting, there she was. Wee! =)

I am yucky, sweaty, sticky gross. So, I’m going to go take a shower! After that, I’ll look at food, and figure out what my food is going to be for today, and plan it all out. I may have to go to the store…I don’t think I have any vegetables left that aren’t on display somewhere…and wax.

Thanks for sticking with me guys. =) Tell all your friends about this blog, if you enjoy it. I would like to feel as connected as possible to the world out there. Woo! More to come later.

5pm

It’s been a very busy, busy day! Nothing is perfect, but that’s okay, because that’s one of the rules anyway: No perfection.

The trickiest part of day one is that I have minimum requirements of what to eat:

• 4 servings of Fruit & Vegetables
• 3 servings of protein
• 2 servings of whole grain
• 200 calories to flavor stuff

That’s pretty straight forward. It gets tricky when I have to have that all add up to 1855 calories or less. If I come in under 1855 calories, I just keep eating until I’m at that number, but if I go over that number then I will have to stop eating, even though I haven’t had my minimum servings: In other words, I chose servings of things that had too many calories.

I have 578 calories left for the rest of the day, and I have to have one whole grain, 8 oz. of protein & 1.5 servings of fruits/vegetables. Um..I think I messed up a little bit. But hey, first day and all, right?

And this is the equation that is going to change every single week….hmm, tricky. But I think I’m up to it. Truth be told, I never liked math that much, but I have all ready done a ton of ground work to make this process not too painful. I have a spreadsheet that has every single common food that I eat, and the calories are listed by ounce. I also have a food scale, and I’m good at keeping a food journal.

Here’s what I’ve eaten so far:

Breakfast

• 1 c. Oatmeal, 300
• 8 oz. Pinto Beans, 232
• 4 oz. Carrots, 48

Snack

• 3.25 oz. Granny Smith Apple, 46

Lunch

• 5.63 oz. Brocolli, 56
• 2 3/8 oz. celery, 5
• 8 oz. Black beans, 256
• 1 c/6.5 oz. Brown Rice, 214
• 1 tbsp. Olive Oil, 120

Total=1277

Today’s Goal 1855 Calories

So I just ran some numbers, and with 578 calories left, I’ll do:

Dinner

• 8 oz. Black Beans, 256
• 1 c. Rice, 214

And that leaves 108 for fruit & vegetable! I can do that! I’ll call that dessert.

As for the activities today, I have blogged, I have done my food journal, I have done a LOT of stuff for my business (totally separate issue, but I’m a massage therapist, and I’m launching my own business, instead of working at the spas that keep all the money!), I have done a conditioning workout (My arms are getting really sore now!)

The last thing to do is to get in my 30+ minutes of cardio. I will take my doggie, Leonardo Vandersnatch, for a walk! He loves that, and he needs the exercise. He’s a “terrierist,” and if you’ve ever had one, you’ll understand! Here’s a picture of him. =)

I feel like I’m off to a really good start, and so thanks for reading this!

Jayson!

PS. Olive oil dumped on raw brocolli, raw beans & rice….umm…..NOT recommended. It seems a little bit of olive oil goes a LONG way! (Go ahead and laugh Richard…I’m trying here…grumble….)

710pm

My face is red, my knees are sore, my dog is panting, and I’m happy as can be! I strut around my neighborhood as fast as could be! I know I”m supposed to do a steady pace, but I couldn’t help but push myself just a little. Even at 265, I still feel really strong. I was surprised! My doggie loved it, and life is good!

But that’s not why I came all the way back online. I came online because I wanted to say that it’s always amazing to me how when you take one step to help yourself, the Universe pitches in and helps out some more. I had a couple really awesome things happen today that I wanted to share!

I cold called a person who advertises where I want to advertise, to ask about the effectiveness. And within a few hours, I had a brand new colleague who says that he will refer lots of clients to me! Wow!

I just made enough in tips over the weekend to pay my website renewal for my business…I have 7 dollars left in my business account, and 12 dollars in my personal account…and out of the blue, two more clients call me and ask for appointments tomorrow! Isn’t that cool?

One more really moving thing that happened today is that my hubby was loving. He’s under stress, I’m under stress, we’re ALL under stress about money, right? But nonetheless, he pitched in and bought me a really nice scale with a body fat analyzer today. And as exhausted as he is from being with someone who’s weight (and mood) fluctuates like the weather, he’s still being loving to me. It’s not always easy to love me, I think.

In any case, off to get dinner.

Jayson.

PS. At this particular moment, I have had zero readers today. I trust someone will read this eventually, but it just occured to me that I should totally print out some free cards with this website on it! It would be a great conversation starter, and when I meet people who are on their fitness journey, we can connect that way because what I really need most is other people to be involved in my life, and in my fitness with me! =)

Countdown: One day til Day 1!

Why can't I do things perfectly!?

Well folks, here I am, just a few measly hours out from starting to change my life. It’s Sunday and tomorrow is Monday. Why do so many food plans start on Monday? Garfield had it right with hating Mondays. Do you know that Garfield used to be my absolute favorite character ever? He gave me such license to lazy, sarcastic, mean-spirited, selfish, and occasionally sweet: In other words, a teenager.

I worked all day today, so I didn’t have the time to really prep well for tomorrow…but I did have a  break between a couple of massages, and I was able to brain storm more about the topics from yesterday. I plan on getting these into shape over the next few days, and making sure that I have what I need to be successful.

The first topic was to come up with some Mottos, and I really found some that I liked! I got a couple from the support group, and the last two rhyming ones I made up…because I’m a genius.

MOTTOS:

1. I can do this!
2. I’m gonna win!
3. No one can save me, but ME.
4. Auto-Pilot sucks!
5. I have what it takes!
6. Get my words out! (Wonderfalls anyone?)
7. F.A.T.=Feelings Ate Today
8. B.IN.G.E.=Because I’m not good enough
9. Feel the burn, baby!
10. Blame and Gain; Choose to Lose!

Also I brainstormed some of the “minimum” requirements that I want to achieve every week: These are the things that I will check off Daily/Weekly/and some Holidays, the commitments for the year. But I can always do more, if I like:

Minimums (Ideas):

1. 2000 calories MAX, daily (Will be based on weight loss needs, but as a hard rule, never go above 2000)
2. 4-6 Cardio Sessions/week
3. 4-6 Conditioning/Weight Sessions/week
4. Write blog 5 times a week (30 min. each)
5. Do my autobiographical writing 2 hours/week
6. Lose 3 lbs./wk-Average. If I am not, change it up.
7. Keep Food Journal 100% of the time. This is a perfect standard expectation, however, it doesn’t need to be perfect with format. I can email it to myself, write it on napkins, whatever. As long as it’s accounted for on the chart. Once my numbers are on the chart, I’m good.
8. All Holidays are preplanned with food AND workouts (preferably ON the day! Why not USE the locations I’m at to go for a jog or something?)
9. Last, but not least: NO Perfectionism! If I’m doing it perfectly, I should mix it up a little. Perfect is BAD for me. I obsess!

 And my favorite topic to brainstorm today was all the Rewards, Goals I want to Accomplish, Experiences I want to have. A couple of them I’m not going to put on here because they are sexual in nature, but suffice it to say they are also a part of the experiences I’m not enjoying in life at this moment. And lastly, I have to divvy some of them up because I want to have the months to have different themes to them, with possibly related challenges or experiences in them…for example, maybe in July I’ll have all the Summer type stuff:

Rewards/Goals/Experiences Brainstorm:

1. Going to the beach shirtless
2. Dancing at a Club with friends
3. Sexy Summer outfit: Short shorts and Tank Top
4. Do a Triathalon
5. Work on my Patience (Possible theme)
6. Work on holding my tongue
7. Work on LIstening
8. See a sunrise on Cowles Mtn. (or pull an all nighter!)
9. Go Camping
10. Take a Dance Class (Tap, Jazz, Ballet)
11. Teach a dance Class again!
12. Choreograph one of those numbers I always dream about!
13. Run on the beach…with a dog!
14. (Insert Private Sexual Goal here)
15. Get new sneakers
16. Learn to use those roller sneakers I have
17. Host a fitness group: make it free
18. Volunteer at a Dog Shelter
19. (Insert second sexual goal here)
20. See Billy in one of his Summer shows
21. Do Christmas in San Francisco again: Most beautiful place on Earth!
22. Receive Watsu
23. Go biking with a friend in Balboa Park!
24. Go Horseback Riding (I’m too heavy for the horse now)
25. Go snorkeling
26. Smile all the time! (Another month theme?)
27. Get a regular haircut (I don’t like spending money on myself)
28. Go take a couple Aerial classes: Silk Ropes!
29. Go to Disney Gay Days
30. Become Lifeguard certified, pass the beach test!
31. Design, shop for a cool Wonderboy Halloween costume! Just call me Dean Prince. =)

Negative Thoughts/Fears to Overcome this Year:

1. Death Phobia
2. Low Self-Esteem
   Lack of Sex Drive (Difficult at 270 lbs.)
3. Victim Thinking
4. Judgementality
5. Heterophobia
6. Lack of Friends
7. Desire for Sugar 

Oh, and random suggestions:

1. I think I should carry a camera with me! Something about knowing that I can share my adventure with my friends, and any new friends that start reading this, really gets me out of my head!
2. I feel that midnight is the latest I should be in bed unless there is some really special exception.
3. I think that 8am-10am needs to be my regular ME time. There is always PLENTY to do every morning.
4. If I’m doing all these things, I also need to see if I can focus on doing some other soul searching, reading, meditating and stuff. I used to meditate for 10 minutes every morning, and read for 10 minutes…it really helped. I’m not going to set these as requirements, but I am going to encourage them. =)

So that is all the stuff I came up with today. I know that I will be eating 5 or 6 times tomorrow. At each main meal I will have 8 oz. of protein: I took some pictures from a book in a book store (they love it when you do that), and I compared it to what my usual eating plan is (when I have one.) They are very similar.

In any case, the food won’t be a huge deal tomorrow…moving forward, it will need some planning, but I  have a lot of healthy stuff sitting on top of the cabinets just waiting for me.

I’m a little bummed because I can’t afford to get one of those bioelectrical impedance scales…but maybe I’ll get one anyway tomorrow morning. I won’t do tomorrow morning perfectly but that’s okay, because doing it perfectly isn’t allowed anyway, remember?

I want to get up in the morning, and with the exception of a glass of water and a restroom break, I want to do my new Jillian Michaels 30 day Shred workout. But I also want to have a starting weight and body fat, which I think should happen every Monday morning, BEFORE I work out. but even if I spend money I don’t have to get a scale, the store doesn’t open that early…see the dilemma?

Well, it won’t be perfect, but I’ll get it done. Also I need to make the charts and stuff and put it up on the wall!

In any case, I will somehow get my accurate body fat and weight tomorrow morning! =) That will base my first weeks food plan on my weight x 7 calories=my daily allowance. Wee.

Oh, and you want to know something really sick, but funny? Since the title of my blog is Lose 100 pounds, it got me thinking that if I’m indeed around 270, then that means I will be around 170 when I’m done. The thing though is that I don’t think that’s a healthy weight for me. I may be wrong, but I think that’s a like a skin and bones version of me. If I have any muscles at all, I’m going to be around 190-200 (I think), at my skinniest.

So, the sick part of this thinking is, I only have a few more hours to get as fat as possible, so that the weight loss will be a dramatic number…even if it doesn’t reach 1oo pounds gone! Do you follow me? I’m trying to give myself an excuse to stuff the rest of the bad stuff in my mouth TONIGHT, because then I’ll be able to lose it starting tomorrow! Oy vey.

And just one note, I really like the “Blame and Gain” motto I made. So I don’t want to encourage myself to get into the habit of complaining about my hubby, however there is a large challenge that I will share more about later, because he’s a major foodie! He’s Filipino. He’s a gourmet cook in the kitchen…there is a vat of Beef Bourguignon sitting on the stove, there are programs playing day and night (Paula Dean, Unwrapped, How’d that get on my plate?, Alton Brown, America’s Test kitchen, et al.). I simply CAN’T deal with it.

My hubby has  a lot going for him, and I know that he really does love me, but he doesn’t feel like changing much of anything in his life to accomodate me. And you know what else? He’s a feeder. He doesn’t see it that way, but he is. So, without being too negative, because hey, nobody’s perfect; I’m doubly grateful that I have you to come to. I can come up here into the office and type, and type, and type. I can vent, plan, work, practice being there for myself.

I guess that’s the only upshot of not having the most thorough emotional support in the world. You get to practice taking care of yourself. And that is what I think this year is all about.

Til tomorrow!

Jayson!

PS. I have a best friend named Billy, and he’s sitting on his lap top, a few feet away. He lives in the same building as me, and he came all the way over here just to spend time, so we can write our separate projects in the same room…together. I love him for supporting me. Thanks Billy, you’re the best. -J!

Lose 100 Pounds: Two days until Day 1!

Here I am, eating a PBJ Waffle sandwich, number 4, and contemplating if I want to have a can of Chef Boyardee lasagna or overstuffed ravioli.

This was my current grocery trip stockpile. I had about $20, so I walked through the grocery store and let my stomach lead the way. In weeks past it’s been big ass packs of hotdogs, blocks of cheese, vats of ketchup, and ALWAYS gallons of Extreme Chocolate Moose Tracks ice cream.

This time around it was sugary cereal, Chef Boyardee cans, blueberry waffles & PBJ makings…oh, and of course Extreme Chocolate Moose Tracks Ice cream!

Like with most biographical entries:

1. I feel like I have so much to say that I can never get all of it out.
2. It will jump from place to place.
3. It will always be entertaining, because I’m entertaining.

I am also in the process of writing my autobiography, and culling material for stage musicals out of it. Something cool happened to me when I hit thirty: I felt “BAM!”, I just had to get some stuff out. Although, you won’t find the autobiographical entries here, per se…I’ll get personal, but maybe not THAT personal. (I’m lying)

The purpose of THIS blog can be summed up thusly:

Julie & Julia  +  The Biggest Loser = My “Lose 100 Pounds or Bust” Blog

I have a hard time with follow through, and I have never stayed on a plan of eating, or exercising for anything over 9 months. I’ve never made a year! I have had pink cloud abstinence from sugar, and I’ve been 178 pounds before…ONCE…for about two days. But I’ve never actually stuck to anything for longer than that!

When I started working in retail at 15, I became a mall rat, and was fired from practically every single job I’ve ever had. No one could handle my obvious fabulousness….ahem…or I was just obnoxious. I’m not sure which one I’ve decided on yet. The point is, I could never keep a job. It’s not that I wasn’t a great guy, just that “a little bit of Jayson goes a long way” to quote one of my former friends.

In any case, focus Jayson, focus.

I am currently somewhere around 270 lbs, and I’m 6 feet tall. I’m 31, and look like I’m 38. (at least) Can you post pictures on here? I really should post a few.

1. My knees feel like they’re about to snap off.
2. I’ve put on over 20 pounds in the last month.
3. I have to sleep on my side because I have the beginnings of sleep apnea (where my body is so heavy, I can’t expand my ribcage enough to breathe)
4. I fart a lot
5. I can’t stop eating all day and night
6. I’m losing my youth, my beauty, my husband, my sense of self, my remaining self esteem, my friends, my dreams…

I’ve been around a support group for people who feel compelled to overeat for the last 6 years, but it’s been a long time since I’ve been. It just wasn’t enough for me. It’s a great support net, but every single person is really there for themselves. I need more than that. I need to focus on myself, and to get help, and quid pro quo with the world. I think that’s the thing I haven’t tried yet.

There’s a lot of love out there, and besides, even if no one ever cares, at least I can give away all my thoughts on here. I can let them all go, and realize all the things I can’t control, and come type about it…and all of my thoughts will go floating on the internet, into space…That’s kind of what the point of what the group was: to let go of what I can’t control, and then move on with what I can control in life. It’s funny that I feel listened to through a blog. But I need to feel that someone does listen to me.

I just wrote a whole essay about this yesterday: About how we all need to feel special. But my big epiphany was that no one really is special, and that the world never thinks you’re special, as a rule. Growing up, I was very spoiled with emotional/intellectual attention. I have always felt effortlessly blessed…there are some very large discrepencies between what I think my life should be like, and what it actually is lately. But still, even just accepting reality was refreshing for once.

I have a lot of information about what I need to do to succeed, and like I’ve said before, I have succeeded in the past, that’s not the problem. So THIS time, instead of saying “I am going to go on a diet on Monday, and it will be the (fill in the blank) diet!”, I’m saying that I need to put my brain to work, and my skills at reaching out to the world, and create a frame work for myself that will help me succeed in my goals.

My goal, really, isn’t the weight loss. My goal is to find my voice again, and to stop suffocating inside of my own body.

So, here are the ideas I’ve brainstormed so far:

1. I will start a blog to share my journey, and to always have an outlet for my thoughts and feelings regarding this journey.
2. I will get an accurate weight and body fat composition scale (bioelectric impedance.)
3. For the purposes of starting on Monday, January 25, 2010, I will go to my gym (LA Fitness) in Kearny Mesa (San Diego), and have a trainer person tell me what the damage is.
4. I want to take pictures. Lots of them. Every angle. Pictures of me eating, pictures of my gut hanging out over my waistband, etc. Currently I have a 51 inch waist, and it’s hard as a rock. I look like I’m pregnant.
5. I want to make a chart that fills in my progress
6. I want to come up with a bunch of sayings and mottos to get me through every situation…one of my old favorites (which unfortunately is VERY TRUE) is “If you think you’re evolved, go spend a day with your mother.” But I want mottos that will help me instead, such as “You can do it.” or “A restaurant is not a blank check.”
7. I want to segment my year, so that I will have a different goal every month, and maybe every week will be split up as well: either as part of that month’s goal to get progressively better, or maybe fitness/emotional goals.
8. I also want to have a timeline of special challenges: Such as learn a new skill or go have an experience you’ve always wanted to try! (Being shirtless on the beach will be in there someplace, as well as going out to a nightclub)
9. I want to have planned rewards for myself hitting certain goals
10. And I want to have planned days of relaxation: So many a month, or whatever.
11. I want to have minimum standards for Food intake/exercise requirements/writing time & reflection: For each week
12. I want to put my routine together: Food plan/exercise plan
13. A regular weigh in day/Waist measurements/etc.
14. Keep a food journal
15. And a list of emotional topics I need to explore and overcome (at least enough to have a functional life): Such as the fear of death..
16. Oh, btw, I want to do this project for one year. With a firm reassess date and future plan strategy in place before all is said and done.

It’s so bad that I have to undo my pants when I sit in my car, and lean the seat back a little bit…I can’t breathe because my stomach is so squished down on my legs that it pushes up too high to allow my diaphragm to breathe.

I know this may sound daunting, but I believe that it’s very do-able. I have a lot of skills. Here is the list of skills/relevant experience that I bring to this challenge:

1. Very organized
2. I start projects very well!
3. Motivated by charts and such
4. Good at expressing myself and asking for help
5. I enjoy exercising (when I do it): Wii Fit, Jillian Michaels DVD, Routines from my trainer, a dog that likes jogging, dance dance revolution, Wii Active, etc….I got tools baby!
6. I am creative, resourceful & get things done.
7. I’m a perfectionist: And sometimes that IS a good thing! Details!
8. I have had moderate successes on Jenny Craig (when I was 13, with my Mom), Atkins, a support group, working with a personal trainer, Body for Life (probably the most success with this one: I even had a 4 pack!), and at least 4 or 5 other “systems”. None of these lasted past the 9 months, but you know what? Maybe it will this time.

I hope you’ve understood me up until now. I don’t care what system I use this time around. I just care that I stick to it. That’s my point. I mean, I’ve failed at everything. As I write, you’ll get to know me, I hope, and you will see that I have always started, and then failed, and that it shapes what I think of myself.

What I”m so inspired by from “The Biggest Loser”, isn’t that they lost the weight, because I’ve done that before. It’s not that they have muscles, because I actually do a decent job of working out. It’s that they were pushed beyond what they thought they could ever accomplish, and it seemed to change something INSIDE of them.

I’m so tired of being nobody. There are a lot of great things about me…but what is the point of all of the good, if I don’t believe enough in myself enough to share it with the world? I have some talents, some accomplishments, and I’m a really nice guy too! I am a rather poignant thinker…but when I’m crying in the bathtub because I couldn’t stop eating for the last 5 hours, and I feel that no one loves me, even though I KNOW that’s not true….what is the point? I have a life that can be highjacked by food whenever it wants. That’s what I’ve got to change, or die trying.

Well, there’s a nice dramatic ending, and I suppose this is a good start for now. I am having Dim Sum (chinese brunch on wheels) tomorrow morning. I’m sure to overeat a little there, and then I work until 9pm. Most of my set up work for this new commitment will be done on Monday I suppose. that should be a fun day. I like making graphs and stuff.

Jayson.